Does it ever work out?

[kittengirl]

I am so glad to find other people that understand and have experience in this.

 

I'm 34 and I met my married boyfriend at a concert, and he told me he was married and I immediately knew enough not to pursue anything, but then he completely started hitting on me...talking directly into my ear, kissing my neck and ear when he was dancing with me, and saying, "can I take you home with me" to which I would reply "I don't think your wife would like that"....I was trying very hard to be strong and I wouldn't let him kiss me, but I did give him my email address. That was in August and now it's November and I am completely in love with him.

 

He only lives about 15 minutes away from me. I see him 2-4 times a week. He comes over at night after work, and I see him at least one night on the weekend.....They went on a family vacation(planned before he and I met) and not only did he call me every night from there, he came and saw me the night he flew back from the trip!!

 

He never goes out with his wife. All of his friends have met me, and so have some of the people he works with (He and his wife work for the SAME company in different buildings) We go out in public and he's affectionate with me. We have so much fun when we are together, when we talk on the phone, even his emails make me laugh. Last week he gave me hockey tickets and he met my father, who does not know he is married....they hit it off well and I even joked that he probably didn't think he'd ever have to go through the whole "meeting the girls father thing" but it was hard because I knew I was lying to my dad.

 

He tells me he's crazy about me. He tells me I'm all he thinks about...he calls me all the time, emails me all the time, tells me how awesome I am....I know it's not just a sex thing....I've had those types of relationships, and he and I don't even always have sex. I think if it wasn't for his son, he would have left his wife already. It's not just about leaving her, and his son, but the house and the neighbors he's very close with, the whole lifestyle. Other things that have sucked have been my birthday, when I didn't see him, and just knowing that he is sleeping somewhere else at night.

 

I've told him that if he really believes he will not ever leave, he should tell me and he will move on, and he says he can't tell me that, but he can't tell me that he will leave either. One or both of us ends up in tears at least once every week or so discussing this relationship and how it's so bad for me, and he's so sorry.

 

The idea of ending a relationship that is perfect in every other way seems so strange, but I have a lot of questions....I think my biggest question, is how could his wife not know. He is not a player. He's a terrible liar in general, and does things that more experienced cheaters would never do (like having me drive him HOME one night when he was too drunk to drive)...how does he get away with this. I think she will find out soon, because he's so sloppy.

 

He says 3 months is not enough time for him to pick up and leave his entire life....when is enough time? I tell him that eventually one of us will have had enough and end this, but neither one of us can imagine ending it.

 

Are there ever people in my situation that it works out in the end?

[midori]

... and I don't think there's a universal rule as to whether or not this will work out as you hope. But here's something to bear in mind: you think he seems very sincere, that his feelings for you are deep and real. You've met his friends, he's met your dad. All the time the two of you spend together. Phone calls. Etc. Seems quite earnest, which is a good sign, right? But... I'll bet his wife thinks he seems like a good husband. He made vows to her. He shares a home with her and they have a child. They take vacations together. He tells you one thing. He tells her something else. His behavior with you looks promising. But so does his behavior with his wife and family.

 

At the time he is saying any given thing he might actually mean it. But there are an awful lot of inconsistencies for a man in love with either you or his wife. You might respond to this by listing the things he has said that make you think he's for real about you. And maybe he is. It doesn't really matter to me. You want to know if it'll work out -- and I can't help but wonder why you'd want to have anything with a man who lives a fraudulent life. At a minimum he's lying to his wife. He may very well be lying to you too. You'll have to decide if you want to take your chances with someone like that.

 

One more thing to consider: this didn't just happen. He PURSUED it. Which might make you feel great about yourself. But what does that say about him? If his marriage is no good, is cheating better for his kid than divorce would be? Hard to justify.

[Coffee13]

I do not believe that being the other woman will ever work out. For one, I agree with the previous writer that he's probably leading a double-life in terms of how he presents himself to you versus how he presents himself to his wife. Secondly, even if you imagine a best case scenario for a mistress; he really does love you and leave his wife, would you really trust someone that would two-time his wife. He would not be guaranteed to do the same thing to you but why would you trust that he wouldn't and what would be your principled stance if he did? A marriage is a sacred committment between a husband and wife, you cannot expect to interfere with that and have the situation turn out virtuous. By the way, it does not matter how much he came onto you, if you didn't want to be a mistress and wanted to find your own man, you would.

[moimeme]

is perfect in every other way

 

Really? A man who actively pursues another woman while married is 'perfect'? I think you badly need to rethink the list of qualities you want in a man. Cheating and dishonesty are not exactly the characteristics of a 'perfect' mate.

[Fancy]

Originally posted by kittengirl

I'm 34 and I met my married boyfriend at a concert, and he told me he was married and I immediately knew enough not to pursue anything, but then he completely started hitting on me...talking directly into my ear, kissing my neck and ear when he was dancing with me, and saying, "can I take you home with me" to which I would reply "I don't think your wife would like that"....

 

He is not a player.

 

 

 

Do you see a contradiction there?

 

 

This guy has the best of both worlds. He's got a wife, child, home, neighbors and the whole family thing going on and he's also got a devoted girlfriend on the side. And he's having sex with both of them. Of course 3 months isn't enough time for him to make any changes. He'll drag this thing out for months and years. Why wouldn't he? He's having his cake and eating it too. He'd be foolish to have to make a choice, now, wouldn't he?

 

If he can be kissing all over you at a concert when you first met, what's to keep him from doing the same thing to someone else if he decided to leave his wife and be with you? Do you honestly think you're his "one and only" lover on the side? I'd be willing to bet you're one of many.

 

Please wise up and see this for what it is. You're being used. Period. He may make you laugh and whatnot, but it doesn't change the fact that you're living off the leftovers of another woman--his wife. Have some respect for yourself and for his marriage and end it now.

[kittengirl]

I truly believe that if he was happy he wouldn't be going elsewhere. He said they are like roomates.

 

If he left his wife and ended up with me, he would not cheat because he'd be happy.

 

I know he is lying to her, cheating on her, Ihe wouldn't uld do it to me.

 

Is it better for a child to be raised in a loveless marriage with a father that cheats, or by to single, happier parents? I don't know that answer.

I look for other guys to see what it's like to date single men, but no one is doing it for me the way he is.

 

And he's having sex with both of them

 

Maybe i am the typical "other woman" but, I know he is not having sex with his wife.

[littleone]

After reading your post I just wanted to thank you. You see, I found myself in the same boat just as you did.

 

 

[color=red]he told me he was married and I immediately knew enough not to pursue anything, but then he completely started hitting on me...talking directly into my ear, kissing my neck and ear when he was dancing with me, and saying, "can I take you home with me" to which I would reply "I don't think your wife would like that"....I was trying very hard to be strong and I wouldn't let him kiss me, but I did give him my email address. That was in August and now it's November and I am completely in love with him. [/color]

 

Except it wasn't a concert it as the bar. That was on August 17, 2000.

 

[color=violet]He tells me he's crazy about me. He tells me I'm all he thinks about...he calls me all the time, emails me all the time, tells me how awesome I am....I know it's not just a sex thing....I've had those types of relationships, and he and I don't even always have sex. I think if it wasn't for his son, he would have left his wife already. It's not just about leaving her, and his son, but the house and the neighbors he's very close with, the whole lifestyle. Other things that have sucked have been my birthday, when I didn't see him, and just knowing that he is sleeping somewhere else at night.[/color]

 

 

I saw mine a few times a week. Saw him on weekends and even saw him the day he got back off his vacation as well. I too hung out with his friends. I even rode with his friend to take him to his house.

 

[color=red]He is not a player. He's a terrible liar in general, and does things that more experienced cheaters would never do[/color]

 

 

I didn't think the one I saw was either until I read your post. Reminded me of how cocky and arrogant the one I was with is. Words and actions are the same. The bad guy that gets the juices going where you don't feel like anything is wrong. May 2001 I found out I was pregnant. Because of 'his' situation I thought I would be quiet and handle it myself. Did he call, no he didn't. Did he ask questions than no he didn't. I did call him and he did see his son when he was 6 months old. Did he call after that? No, he didn't. Did I think I could handle this and carry this secret with me because I thought him to be something? Yes, I did. I saw him out a few months ago and I was pretty calm and boy did he speak some of the same words and boy did I fall for it hook line and sinker.

That was the first night I saw him in over a year. Shame on me for allowing me to fall for it. Does he see his/my son? No he doesn't. Does he say he has more to lose than I do because of a two year fling? Sure he does. But should I carry the burden and have him pounce on my self esteem or try to control me with the poor me bit 'I'll lose everything if you go to get support from me' while at the same time asking for some sort of sexual favor. No, I shouldn't and no you shouldn't either.

 

Thank you for reminding me of falling for such a *!\ . The answer you are looking for is in your post. You just need to see it. He is player. He is playing you / wife. He has already told you that 3 months is not enough time to pickup and leave his wife. Believe me, it's been 3 years, that I have been letting the thought of this man consume my life and my son is almost 2. But, now it is time for me to stand up and take my life back. I think if you are hoping that this man leaves his wife you, you may want to rethink it. I know it is hard when you are attracted to someone and the thought of thrill being gone is hard to let go of. The relationship you have is like an addiction to drug that gets you high and you can't wait for the next moment of euphoria. The longer you stay involved and the longer your emotions are involved in it, the harder it is to break. My son has been a wonderful innoncent gift I was given. That is the thing he is the innocent one and so is half brother, as well as my lover's wife. So these past few years I have found myself on an emotional roller coaster ride that just doesn't want to stop and all I want to do is to get off of it fast and soon and I am not sure of where to begin.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[Fancy]

Originally posted by kittengirl

Maybe i am the typical "other woman" but, I know he is not having sex with his wife.

 

There is no way you can possibly know this. Of course he's not going to admit he's having sex with her! Just like he's not going to admit to his wife he's having sex with you. You're deluding yourself if you truly believe you're more to him than a fling. If you meant anything at all and if he were any kind of decent human being, he'd confess this to his wife, divorce her and marry you. If you believe that's even a remote possiblity, I have some ocean front property in Kansas I'd like to sell you.

 

I can see that you're in deep with this guy and you'll only turn a deaf ear to anyone who doesn't cheer you on. Sadly, you're going to have to crash and burn and suffer a tremendous heartache before you see what you're doing to yourself. I hope you will at least save this thread for the future........you know, when you're ready to help yourself.

[moimeme]

I truly believe that if he was happy he wouldn't be going elsewhere. He said they are like roomates.

 

If he left his wife and ended up with me, he would not cheat because he'd be happy.

 

I know he is lying to her, cheating on her, Ihe wouldn't uld do it to me.

 

Oh, girl. You are SO deluded. There are thousands of women who thought exactly the same thing. Sure, they were, that THEIR man was not a liar or cheat. SURE that the man would leave the wife eventually.

 

But you will not listen to us or to anybody who has been where you are. Make sure you have a good support system for when this jerk ditches you.

[kittengirl]

I just wanted to thank everyone that responded to me, because it has really helped, even when it hurt.

 

As much as I loved this person, intellectually, I knew this wasn't the ideal situation, and that I deserve a man that loves me and can give me everything I want.

 

I told him today that I couldn't see him anymore. It really hurts a lot, but I am a strong woman, and I know that I will get through this.

 

Thanks again.

 

Michele

[moimeme]

Congratulations, Michele. That was a brave move. It will hurt for a while, but in the end, you will be better off.

[littleone]

Congratulations to you! Remember today is the first step. Hope for the best for you.

[lipglossboost]

Originally posted by kittengirl

I truly believe that if he was happy he wouldn't be going elsewhere. He said they are like roomates.

 

If he left his wife and ended up with me, he would not cheat because he'd be happy.

 

I know he is lying to her, cheating on her, Ihe wouldn't uld do it to me.

 

Is it better for a child to be raised in a loveless marriage with a father that cheats, or by to single, happier parents? I don't know that answer.

I look for other guys to see what it's like to date single men, but no one is doing it for me the way he is.

 

And he's having sex with both of them

 

Maybe i am the typical "other woman" but, I know he is not having sex with his wife.

 

 

I know you are in love with this man, but you don't really KNOW any of those things. You hope and wish, but you do not KNOW. I am sure his wife thinks she knows him, too.

 

No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. And sometimes part of being a grown up is owning up to and fixing those mistakes. You made a mistake when you gave him your email address, let him kiss you, and corresponded with him when you knew he was married. It's time to fix your mistake, and let him go.

[lipglossboost]

Originally posted by kittengirl

I just wanted to thank everyone that responded to me, because it has really helped, even when it hurt.

 

As much as I loved this person, intellectually, I knew this wasn't the ideal situation, and that I deserve a man that loves me and can give me everything I want.

 

I told him today that I couldn't see him anymore. It really hurts a lot, but I am a strong woman, and I know that I will get through this.

 

Thanks again.

 

Michele

 

Good for you! You deserve someone who can be there on your birthday and be there with you at night. When it hurts, try to remember that you didn't even know who he was 6 months ago. You will find someone who can truly make you happy, and who you won't have to lie about or sneak around with.

[moonspinner]

person who encourages you to engage in an affair as you would at a driver who cuts you off on a high speed freeway.