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New OM, feeling guilty


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hola,

 

Never thought I would find myself here, especially after what I have been through in the last 6 months. I got out of a long term relationship roughly 5-6 months ago. Immediately friends and family rushed to support. One of those friends is a female. She is married with children of her own. Until the end of my last relationship we were more of acquaintances, but that turned into a solid friendship.

 

It started by her trying to set me up with some of her single friends, and us becoming closer during the process. She lives with her family quite some distance away, but recently relocated temporarily a couple miles away from me. Over the last couple months I could feel us growing closer, all the while I continued to date around. A couple weeks ago we started seeing each other every day. The entire time I have tried to maintain body language and conversation to keep things platonic. It was becoming more and more obvious that she wanted more. Eventually to the point she was initiating physical contact in more than just a friendly way.

 

I initially rejected her advances. I found I eventually started to enjoy the excitement of it and thats when I started to realize just how far things could go. I sat her down and explained to her that it is becoming increasingly difficult to stay strong and that we should stop seeing each other before things went further. She explained that this is what she wanted and told me to deal with it. We seen each other a few more times and of course things progressed from there.

 

Now I am dealing with a bit of guilt as I could have cut ties completely when it was obvious where things were going. But to be honest, I enjoyed the affection too much.

 

I am not looking to hear anything in particular which is why I posted this here. I know the people here who have been on both sides of this can hand out some advice on where to go from here. I suspect the only solution is to go NC and let her sort out her end how she sees fit.

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Question...do you know/are you friends with her husband as well?

 

From my perspective...you have the choice to continue in this affair or not as well.

 

Do you want to be "the other man" in an affair? Are you ok with this?

 

Or is this something that you personally don't feel is "right"?

 

Don't let HER moral compass (or lack of one) drive YOUR choices of what's right/wrong.

 

If you feel this is wrong...end it on your side.

 

If you feel it's ok...then there's no conflict to be resolved until her H finds out.

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JaneyAmazed

All the excitement and attention really isn't worth the possibility of a broken home and broken hearts (yours, hers and/or BS). My advice is the sooner you stop seeing her, the better. Don't you want to be with someone who is all yours? Someone that you have a future with? I know the feelings are strong now, but try to think with the head on your shoulders right now and not the other one. :laugh:

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I say give yourself a pat on the back. You did good. You cut her off before it started. Now you just have to maintain it. May I suggest no group meetings/family get together. She seems to have chosen you before you knew it. You are feeling lonely and that's understandable but It's time to find affections elsewhere. Are you looking to start dating again? You are going to have to keep yourself very busy.

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OldOnTheInside

To be honest it sounds like you have made your choice already. Now you just need to stick to it.

 

Like Owl asked, how close are you to her husband?

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JaneyAmazed
I say give yourself a pat on the back. You did good. You cut her off before it started. Now you just have to maintain it. May I suggest no group meetings/family get together. She seems to have chosen you before you knew it. You are feeling lonely and that's understandable but It's time to find affections elsewhere. Are you looking to start dating again? You are going to have to keep yourself very busy.

 

Did I miss something? I didn't see where he cut her off?

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I suspect the only solution is to go NC and let her sort out her end how she sees fit.

 

 

He cut her off then made a mistake and fell for her. I'm hoping the last sentence is something he is not only aiming to do but has done. He's ahead of the game. We don't have to pound anything into his head.

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  • Author

I don't know her H. I will try to end this as cleanly as possible. Not sure how it will go. She had/has been a great support for me, and obviously she is dealing with her own issues at home now. I want to offer her my support, but just don't feel right continuing as a romantic partner.

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You can't offer her any further support...you traded that option in once you crossed over into the line of romantic partner.

 

Your only choices at this point are to continue the affair, or end all contact with her, completely, forever.

 

It's up to you.

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well thats a pretty easy decision given what she has to lose. From what I have learned she has been very unhappy with her marriage for a long time. I just happened to be there and she really latched on. That information came from a 3rd party that has known her for much longer than I have, so I do trust it. I really want to disappear so she can make any changes she needs to make without the influence the affair. I will break things off, but the offer stands if she needs a shoulder to cry on. It will be hard to turn down the sex, but I know I can do it now that I see just how vulnerable her marriage is.

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crazy love

I vote go no contact.

Seems to be mostly physical at this point so you won't be destroyed if she stays in her marriage and if she leaves than you can explore if you want to be in a R with this woman.

In the meantime you don't have the guilt to deal with = less complications for your life

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If she's willing to legitimately separate from her H to see what's between the two of you, then go for it. Maybe she's the love of your life.

 

If she's not willing to legitimately separate from her H to see what's good between you and her, then go NC and forget it.

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