Gentlegirl Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Hello Everybody, Since the affair stopped 5 months ago, I have gradually been losing my confidence. It applies to my work and my relationships with other people. I seemed to have lost all confidence that there is anythings waiting for me in the future. I guess it's all a result of 3 years of MM' manipulation and my belief in him Cheers, Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 If you know the cause, and can see the symptoms, the cure is just around the corner. You'll be fine, give yourself time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gentlegirl Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 If you know the cause, and can see the symptoms, the cure is just around the corner. You'll be fine, give yourself time. Have been NC for 5 months. It's funny, time is kind of unwinding the whole thing for me. I have an understanding of a lot more now, but feel there is much more to come. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Consider it a voyage of discovery. And don't try to date anyone, for a while, and don't go looking for a date. You know what I do? Sometimes, I just sit, at a cafe, and I watch the world go by. Just sip my coffee, and people-watch. And I look at the couples, and try to see their dynamics. I don't criticise, I don't judge....I just try to add an impartial commentary. I try to guess what their home life is like, what their level of interaction is, how they relate to one another in public, how alike they look, how dissimilar they look, how they connect. It's all educational, revealing and frankly, entertaining.... It's an eye-opener when you see they're exactly like you, and you're exactly like them..... Just people. Link to post Share on other sites
Kismetly Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Hello Everybody, Since the affair stopped 5 months ago, I have gradually been losing my confidence. It applies to my work and my relationships with other people. I seemed to have lost all confidence that there is anythings waiting for me in the future. I guess it's all a result of 3 years of MM' manipulation and my belief in him Cheers, Gentlegirl Hi Gentlegirl If you dont' read another book all year, read Women who Love too Much, by Robin Norwood. I've just finished it and I think there is something in there for every woman who has had an affair (or any dodgy relationship). It's a powerful book and has certainly helped me see where I need to invest in rebuilding my confidence and my view of myself. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Hey GG.........just wanted to send you a cyber hug and say I hear you and I can certainly relate. Right now I have the least confidence that I've ever had in my whole life but I took a step in the right direction by starting therapy. I want to put all the things that have tormented me most of my life in a healthier place and I want to be comfortable with me again and feel like I can walk out there with my shoulders square and look people in the eye and have peace in my heart. Right now.........I'm faking it until then............... Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Hi Gentlegirl, I'm not nearly as far along as you are but I can relate. I think I initially became involved with xMM because I lacked confidence & really didn't like what I had done with my life thus far . . . which makes no logical sense because by most people's standards I is/was very sucessful, with an advanced terminal degree & a high-powered career, etc. . . . but I still never felt like I had acheived all of those acheivements that I had; I guess I felt empty & lacking & unsure of myself. So anyway with xMM I felt a purpose, I felt confidence, I felt fulfilled. In my job & in my personal life. I think you are talking more in terms of confidence of meeting another guy & getting into a better relationship, & I can relate on those terms too. Looking back my choice of single guys was never great- I always had the tendency to 'date down', either fixer-upper guys who I was trying to save, or guys who had it together & were 'content' with their lives but who weren't ambitious & adventurous like I am . . . & that's where I really connected with xMM [i realize there is a downside to that-- restlessness, discontent, never being truly happy with what one has & always looking for something new or fleeting, which I found out about with xMM & with myself at this time.] So anyway I felt like xMM was a big improvement but really that was stupid because he was married & wasn't able to give me what I deserve. I should add that it didn't always feel that way-- we had a full-on felt-like 24/7 affair, where we saw each other every day, every night, sometimes he spent the night, he got separated & we did spend the night together etc. . . . so at the time it felt like we were a real couple & were going to end up together for real although I soon found out differently & began to realize I wasn't getting the whole schabang like I should. Anyway now that xMM are done I do worry that I won't meet anyone with whom I can have that connection. At this point I'm not even trying to but it does worry me. :-/ Regarding confidence in other areas of my life, for me I have big swings . . . sometimes I feel lost without xMM & like my life is pointless. Other times I feel great & like I don't need him, I can do everything & more without him in the picture. So I guess what I want to tell you is I think this will come & go . . . sometimes you will feel confident & sometimes you won't. But logically you know you can do better than someone who can't make you first place in his life. I would honestly rather be alone than in that situation anymore, so, even if you don't find someone else for awhile, just love yourself & know you are not settling anymore. :-) Good luck. Sorry for rambling so much but your post brought up some thoughts of my own & hopefully they help in some way. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted May 14, 2011 Share Posted May 14, 2011 If you know the cause, and can see the symptoms, the cure is just around the corner. You'll be fine, give yourself time. I agree with Tara and so many others. It is a journey; and lots of new things to discover about yourself. Do not define yourself for what you were - a mistress. Get counseling if needed; but you are better than you are giving yourself credit for! Link to post Share on other sites
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