Been in love with her for 23 years. Possible HUGE unrequited love....

[Regular.Joe]

Hello all, Regular.Joe here. Having a really tough time with unrequited love.

 

If you don't mind reading it, here is my story. Warning, its quite long but i'd really appreciate if you read it :-)

 

 

I met her when I was 9 years old and fell in love with her immediately. Before her, I never experienced feelings for a girl, I mean, I like them and all but nothing like how I experienced it with C. I met her spring time 1988. My oldest sister was her babysitter. She was 8 when I met her. She practically lived with my family for 4-5 days out of the week for almost five years straight because her mother worked two jobs.

 

Those five years were probably the best of my life. She and I, while never actually speaking on it or officially becoming boyfriend and girlfriend developed a deep bond (or so I thought). Long stares into each others eyes, always sitting next to each other on the couch, at the dinner table, and in the car. Always falling asleep on each others shoulders. And whenever we had a slumber party in one of the bedrooms, we'd always sleep next to each other.

 

I feel deeply in love with her and I knew it as a young child. Everything became more vivid. Songs had new meanings. Movies were viewed in a new light. I loved her and I thought she felt the same. In front of everyone in my family we would always pick on each other and call each other names but when no one was watching, we had our moments.

 

This went on for the entire time she stayed with us. Then, one day she just stopped coming over. I was devastated! Her mom scaled back to one job and it was time for us to go to high school the next school year. My oldest sister kept in touch with her and her mother and she would come over our house once in a blue moon to visit but somehow never when I was home.

 

Fast forward to when she was 17. I found out she was in a serious relationship and had a child. I was absolutely crushed at finding this all out because I had hopes the she and I could try to be together. So I just wrote it all off and did my best to convince myself that it was just a very strong crush and she never liked me at all.

 

This suppression of my feelings for her and me lying to myself actually worked for a while. I started to date other girls and just moved on. Then I was on the boardwalk one summer afternoon when I was 19 or 20 in NJ and I saw her. I really thought I had gotten over her but all those feelings came rushing back at the mere sight of her. We spoke briefly and went on our separate ways. I just had this feeling that there was no chance of us getting together so I again suppressed the resurfacing feelings and went on about my business.

 

Started dating a woman when I was 22. I thought she was great, ...at first.... Hadn't seen C since that day on the boardwalk and feelings of her put aside, I started a serious relationship with S. Things went great with S for about the first 5 months. One day I was at work, had this super overwhelming feeling to leave early and go home. Didn't know why I had that feeling but I just did. To keep a long story short, I came home only to find S almost naked sitting next to her ex on my couch. That was the night I made the single biggest mistake of my life, after about 6 hours of her crying and convulsing saying she was sorry, I forgave her and took her back. (WTF was I thinking )

 

It was a rocky relationship from that moment on.

 

Then one day my S and I go visit my oldest sister. I just got off from one job and had to go work another 8 hour shift at my other job but I had 2 hour break in between. So while S and my oldest sister were in the living room chatting, I took a nap in the guest room. About 10 minutes into my nap, I hear the front door open. It was none other than C. All those feelings came rushing back like they never left at the mere sound of her voice.

 

So she sits down and starts talking. She asks where she should put her jacket and my oldest sis says put it in the guest room but be careful not to wake Regular.Joe up because he's taking a nap in between shifts. So, she comes in the guest room which is dark (its nighttime) and takes a REALLY long time to put her coat away. The whole time she is fumbling with her coat, I tell myself I will not give in to my feelings and say hello (i'm facing the other way). Well, that didn't work out too long, I turned around and said hello C. We spoke very briefly and she went in the living room and I tried to get some sleep.

 

Suppressed all those feelings again. Just kept telling myself that she didn't feel the same way. Meanwhile, S gets pregnant with our first child. I didn't see C again for another 2 years.

 

Meanwhile, had the baby and things never got better between S and I. I didn't leave because I really thought I loved her. She just kept up her lying and selfish ways. I really don't know what was going through my head to stay with her.

 

Anyway, I see C again at my oldest sis' house when I'm 25 or 26. Caught me off guard again and man, all those feelings came rushing back hard core! My sis and wife were now good friends so we would go to her house a lot. C and my sis were also best friends so she would be there a lot as well.

 

Things just kept deteriorating between S and I, and I eventually fell out of love with her in 2005-2006 when we had our second child. We stopped going over my sis house and subsequently, I hadn't seen C since. Then one day out of the blue in June 2006, I had the most powerful dream I ever had in my life (still remember it clearly like it happened this morning) telling me I should tell C how I felt about her. I woke up literally crying because the dream was so powerful and felt so real. The feelings came back the strongest at that point. I tried to fight them and told myself it was just a dream and the feelings would go away in a day or two. That didn't happen. Instead, they got stronger. So after two weeks of trying to fight those feelings off, I gave in to them.

 

I didn't want to approach C while I was still with S. Things were going very badly between S and I. She was one of the most cruelest, lying, laziest, selfish persons I have ever met. Finally in 2007, I had enough of S and left her. After she and her lawyer kept me from my kids for two looooong excruciating months, I gave in and came back home after the 5th month (I saw my kids for the first 3 months of separation then she kept them from me during month 4 and 5). During my away time, I wasn't trying to be with anyone seriously, I was just trying to work on myself and get things sorted out amicably. That didn't work.

 

So S and I started seeing a MC. After S didn't like what she was hearing from the MC, she stopped going. (She has this hangup about doing anything a man asks her to do. In her eyes, that is submitting and she equates that with being weak. Her mom left her when she was 8 and she always viewed her mom as weak and submissive which made her NEVER want to be like her mom (this was confirmed with the 2nd MC). Needless to say, things went downhill again.

 

So two or three years after having my dream, I decide to take action on it (yes, while I was still married with S). I was planning to leave S again anyway during the fall so I didn't see the harm; plus, I wasn't in love with S anymore, I actually disliked her quite a bit.

 

So I see C at my sis house one day and we exchange numbers. C wondered what it was I wanted to talk to her about. Boy was she in for a surprise! I told her EVERYTHING! I told her I had always LIKED her since the first moment I met her and that I had never stopped liking her. I told her that in order to move on, I just suppressed my feelings for her but everytime I saw her, my feelings for her would just come rushing back. She was caught off guard by the news.

 

We started talking on the phone over the next month or so. I forgot to mention that she was in a serious relationship. However, like my relationship, hers was rocky as well. She doesn't know that I know that her guy beats her up. She's all of 5'0" and 120lbs and he is 5'11" and maybe 375lbs. I knew she wasn't happy. My oldest sis (the one that introduced us in 1988 would tell me about their issues). C is goodhearted person and her guy is a controlling piece of crap. She wasn't in love with him even though she said she did love him. I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice that she didn't love him.

 

Then in August 2008, she called me about 4am (our usual time we talked) and she hit me with the bombshell. She told me she was getting married to that jackbutt. I was crushed. I basically told her I understood and that if she ever parted ways with him and I was single, we should go out. I told her good luck with everything and have a nice life.

 

She insisted (not in a desperate way or anything like that) that we stay in touch through my sister. I didn't see the point but I agreed.

 

After a few times of me not coming to my sis house (things just got in the way every time we were supposed to "meet up" at my sis house) when she was there, we kinda stopped talking to each other.

 

We would text or call each other once in blue but that was it.

 

Then, in Jan 2010, I finally got the balls to ask her were the feelings ever mutual at anytime including when we were kids till now. She said they were and that she used to think what we would be like together if she wasn't with her guy and I wasn't with S. She said she never acted on them because she also didn't know what to think since we grew up together. With her saying that, I told her to live her life and if she and I were ever single at the same time in the future, we should make a point to look for each other. We hadn't talked much through the year. Just a few texts back and forth every now and then. I texted her on her bday in November and on Xmas.

 

So she calls me out of the blue right before new years and asks me why I didn't come to my sis new years eve party and that she thought she would see me there. I told her I didn't know of the party. We spoke some more and caught up and all that. She told me how she was going to move to Florida in a few years. She congratulated me on me getting ready to have my third child.

 

She asked if I loved S and how were things between us. I told her the truth. Yeah, S got pregnant during the summer during our peacetime when we were regularly seeing another MC. Things looked okay for a few weeks and she got pregnant by accident. Oh well worse things have happened. S stopped going to this MC too and things went downhill again. At that time I planned on leaving for good but only when the time was right.

 

So C and I started communicating more than before. Then during the end of Jan, I don't know what came over me but I had this feeling that I should write to her and tell her how I REALLY felt about her because I had only told her that I liked her before. So over the next few days, I started writing down the things I wanted to say to her and in the end I can truly say I wrote exactly what I wanted to say to her. I also made her a mix cd to go along with the letter.

 

I wanted to give it to her on Valentine's Day but I knew she would be with her guy. So I ended up meeting her at her job at the end of February this year and giving her the letter and Cd. Man she was so beautiful. I hadn't seen her since early 2010.

 

So I wrote her a letter that was TOTALLY non-weirdo, non-stalkerish, non-crazy-guy'ish and managed to tell her I loved her at the end of it. In the letter I let her know that I had felt that way about ever since we first met. I said that things are complicated now since we are both married and maybe hopefully when we are older and single, we will have a chance to be together.

 

So after two weeks, I finally got the balls to ask her what she thought of the letter and cd. She said the CD was great but the letter was "too deep." I didn't ask her to explain what she meant because she was getting ready to go back to work from break. Since then, we have spoken consistently every week. Sometimes by phone sometimes by text. I surprised her with The Notebook DVD since in one of our conversations she said it was her favorite love movie (mine too since it reminds me of our situation or better yet, what I'd like our situation to be like).

 

However, over the last two or three weeks, I have noticed our communication has become less and less. Before, we'd have long text or phone convos and she would ALWAYS respond. Now, If I text her, I get one word responses. That is very disheartening. So much so that I said to heck with it all and stopped texting and calling her. I know the signs of a disinterested person. I gave it one more shot on Mother's Day and got a one word response. I have since seen her in her car and I didn't even honk the horn or text her hello (which I used to do when I seen her around town). I am SUPER CRUSHED inside. I am experiencing a pain unlike any I have ever experienced before. I don't know what to do. I won't call her because I don't want to ruin it coming off all emotional to her.

 

I mean, I do try to put myself in her shoes and try to guess what she thinks and I can see the fact that i just had a baby probably gives her great pause but she knows me and knows that my responsibilities are just that, my responsibilities. She has small children too. I wouldn't ever put my kids off on her like she should help me take care of them.

 

I just really wonder why all of sudden she stops communicating with me. Did I do something wrong? Its just an EA as we have never even kissed. And like I said, I'm not asking her to start an affair with me, I just want to know how she truly feels about me.

 

Any input is greatly appreciated! I have no one else to talk about this stuff with. Thank you for taking the time out to read my looooong story.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Regular.Joe

[Regular.Joe]

This post is too long.

Think of all the time you could have spent with your kids that you spent writing this.

If she doesn't communicate with you, it's because she doesn't want to.

Leave her alone. Show your family more respect.

 

Good grief... Don't lecture me about respect or spending time with my kids..... If you didnt want to read the post you could have easily hit your browser's back button and saved yourself the trouble. Judging by all your previous posts you don't have much positive to say in any thread; oh wait you probably think you're the morally sound voice of reason in a forum full of bad, bad cheating homewreckers don't you. Sorry if the world doesn't conform to your moral compass. Don't come at me with that holier than thou crap. You're an obvious bitter troll.

[Heart On]

She did tell you how she felt about you over the years.

 

You told her that if you are both single at the same time

you should try to form a relationship then.

 

Or course your are devastated,it's hard to dream about someone

for so long,and never have it become something more.

 

If you aren't happy in your marriage,maybe making sure you don't

have anymore children would be a good idea.

 

If you are REALLY unhappy,leave based on your marriage

without knowing if she will follow suit.

 

If you are settling for your wife,and loving someone else

it might be kinder to set her free to be fully loved by someone else.

 

With love....there is alot more risk than promise.

 

Coming to the point where you accept that that "ship has already sailed" isn't easy.

 

She may simply feel the need to ignore you or short answer you because she knows,she isn't going to leave her H.

 

I can "feel" the ache in your heart and hope that you can come to terms with it all.

 

Either focus on what you have and make the best of it,or move on without any guarentees she will be waiting for you.

 

Oddly enough,I just had a vivid dream about an a man I onced loved with all i was,and he said he missed me and wanted to resume our relationship.

 

I know that was simply my unfinished business with him and not a sign that he feels the same way he once did.

 

But boy...did it feel real and trigger all the love I once had for him.

 

Back to reality I go....so should you.

 

heart on

[SidLyon]

Good grief... Don't lecture me about respect or spending time with my kids..... If you didn't want to read the post you could have easily hit your browser's back button and saved yourself the trouble. Judging by all your previous posts you don't have much positive to say in any thread; oh wait you probably think you're the morally sound voice of reason in a forum full of bad, bad cheating homewreckers don't you. Sorry if the world doesn't conform to your moral compass. Don't come at me with that holier than thou crap. You're an obvious bitter troll.

 

Oh my goodness!

 

Do you happen to be doing some research on posters to internet discussion boards and you're meeting with your professor on Friday?

[bentnotbroken]

Oh my goodness!

 

Do you happen to be doing some research on posters to internet discussion boards and you're meeting with your professor on Friday?

 

 

 

:lmao:My thoughts exactly.

[BB07]

You won't believe it but you are wasting pieces of your time and your life instead of living in the present. I would bet that when things are going well for you that this woman is more in the distance and when things are not so good she is more front and center. Also you've spent all this time building the fantasy up of what you imagine it could be. By spending time on your fantasy you are cheating yourself, your wife and your children out of the good parts of yourself and as for your assertion that your wife isn't what you really want, I call BS because if you REALLY wanted to leave you would have found a way and you would have been more proactive about not bringing another child into what you are saying is a bad marriage. I really dislike someone who whines about how bad their life/marriage is when they just passively sit there and let it go on as if things are fine.

 

 

You should either invest 100% in your marriage or leave you marriage so you can invest in your fantasy. Don't do both at the same time as you will devastate and cause pain to many other people.

[Emme]

Joe I can honestly tell you that if you are not happy with your wife get a divorce. You seem so stressed about how your life as turned out and the only happiness you have is your children. If you view your life now as just your responsibilities meaning your children It's time to end it. I hope financially it is something that you can afford to do. As far as this woman that you love I know she loves you as well. The fear of not knowing what's to come is what stops a lot of people from doing things in life. She's backing away from you because she's scared. It could also be that she wants to see if she can have a happy marriage. The thing is you've tried many times to keep your bond with your wife and you sound so unhappy. Divorce your wife because you no longer want to be with her. Don't divorce her thinking it will help with getting C back in your life. I say you should enjoy single life for a while. It's hard to have a love hit you so hard and you have no control over it. I thank you for the post it was a pleasure to read (I'm surprised I read it... long indeed.) Being in love with old love is the worst of the worst. Even though your heart is crushed continue with your life and don't have any regrets. To experience love is great thing many live their whole life not knowing what it feels like. Best wishes.

[Regular.Joe]

She did tell you how she felt about you over the years.

 

You told her that if you are both single at the same time

you should try to form a relationship then.

 

Or course your are devastated,it's hard to dream about someone

for so long,and never have it become something more.

 

If you aren't happy in your marriage,maybe making sure you don't

have anymore children would be a good idea.

 

I have mulled over the idea of getting fixed for quite sometime but I am very afraid of any type of surgery. Not an excuse but still a real fear. And boy oh boy believe me when I tell you I know what you mean by not bringing anymore children into this world.

 

If you are REALLY unhappy,leave based on your marriage

without knowing if she will follow suit.

 

This is the plan. I'm not planning on leaving my marriage for the sole purpose of pursuing C. When I finally do end my marriage, I want to take some time off and try to recenter myself. A lot of things happened when I left the first time that I didn't put into my original post. For one, I was ordered to pay $569 per week in child support when I only was bringing home $650! Her and her lawyer lied through their teeth! I didn't have a lawyer till afterwards because I couldn't afford one.

 

When I left, I gave her a copy of my ATM card because she wasn't working. I told her to leave $150 (about $500) per week on it and she could take the rest until she started her fulltime job 3 months later. Mind you, we had the children equal time. She started to abuse that around August when she realized I didn't want to come back and would only leave me about $30 or $40 on the card.

 

So when she got her job making just as much as me, I cancelled her copy of my ATM card. When I did that, she had me served with a restraining order based completely on lies. I never layed a finger on her so instead she said I made her afraid. The real reason she got the resrtraining order was because my father filed a complaint against her because she called his phone 40 times within an hour when he asked her not to call his phone.

 

I got my court dates mixed up and ended up getting screwed because I went to the wrong courthouse. So the temporary restraining order became a permanent order. Thats when I borrowed some money and lawyered up. My lawyer explained to me that I could see my kids while they were at the baby sitters while their mother was at work. So I went to try to see my daughter and later that night I got served with a violation of the order.

 

Lawyer pointed out that my kids were NOT named in the restraining order and that her and her lawyer were breaking the law by not letting me see my children.

 

I never EVER cheated on my wife or did her dirty. My fault was that I was too nice to her and treated her well. I guess I looked weak in her eyes and she treated our marriage with no respect. She never broke contact with her ex apparently. She was extremely lazy and very manipulative. I caved in and went back because I couldn't stand being away from my kids any longer. We got back together under the stipulations that she would change and that we would get marriage counseling. After two sessions, she quit after the MC suggested working on her issues she claimed she didn't have.

 

 

If you are settling for your wife,and loving someone else

it might be kinder to set her free to be fully loved by someone else.

 

I hear you on that and regardless of how she damaged our marriage, I still wouldn't want to hurt her in the way she hurt me. I really don't want to leave my kids though, they are my world and if I left, I know my time with them would be limited!

 

With love....there is alot more risk than promise.

 

Coming to the point where you accept that that "ship has already sailed" isn't easy.

 

She may simply feel the need to ignore you or short answer you because she knows,she isn't going to leave her H.

 

This could very well be the case. If so, I genuinely wish her the best. I'm sure I will be okay with someone else.. I'm not set on being with her, just the possibility if we were ever simultaneously single, then I thought hey, lets give it a shot, she is my very first love after all.

 

I can "feel" the ache in your heart and hope that you can come to terms with it all.

 

Thank you VERY much for understanding and giving your kind thoughts!

 

Either focus on what you have and make the best of it,or move on without any guarantees she will be waiting for you.

 

I've thought about this and have tried too. My wife has changed some for the better. I don't hold grudges with her or anything like that. I'm not mean to her or cold. Its just that she will always be her at the core. I guess its best to say that she does many little things that are to the detriment of our compatibility. And I'm sure I probably perturb her as well. She just won't let go of this marriage even though she knows it isn't good for either of us or the kids. In a last ditch effort, I am still trying to get her to go to the MC again but she won't commit to going.

 

Oddly enough,I just had a vivid dream about an a man I onced loved with all i was,and he said he missed me and wanted to resume our relationship.

 

I know that was simply my unfinished business with him and not a sign that he feels the same way he once did.

 

But boy...did it feel real and trigger all the love I once had for him.

 

Back to reality I go....so should you.

 

Tell me about it, I really feel I should give this whole thing up with C. Irregardless of that, I am still planning on leaving again for good this time. Its just difficult because I will miss my kids and I have to save up some money for a good lawyer first. I will not go blindly into this again like last time and get destroyed.

 

heart on

 

I answered in the bold parts above.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Oh my goodness!

 

Do you happen to be doing some research on posters to internet discussion boards and you're meeting with your professor on Friday?

 

I think so.

[Regular.Joe]

Oh my goodness!

 

Do you happen to be doing some research on posters to internet discussion boards and you're meeting with your professor on Friday?

 

 

No, I just know that posters type. This is one forum where married people talk about doing things with other married people. Unfortunately, while this may seem negative and immoral on the surface, things like what is talked about in this specific sub forum goes on everyday in the world and not all people involved are always bad people in all cases. People marry the wrong people everyday, just look at the divorce rate for proof.

 

Why would this poster come in here, a forum for people to talk to other people going through similar issues, and speak down on these people from his/her soapbox??? Thats not cool and is the very definition of trolling. Its a shame because before I got married, I used to be one of those people that would always say "I would never do this or I would never do that." If I have learned one thing over the years it is you don't know what you will do until you are actually faced with a given circumstance.

 

I'm not here for any other reason than to get some advice from people going through similar circumstances. I'm not here to judge anyone but at the same time I won't let posters like Dr. Lecter diminish my experience as I would never do that to anyone else.

 

@Mme Chaucer, this post was for you also. :-)

Edited May 11, 2011 by Regular.Joe

[bentnotbroken]

No, I just know that posters type. This is one forum where married people talk about doing things with other married people. Unfortunately, while this may seem negative and immoral on the surface, things like what is talked about in this specific sub forum goes on everyday in the world and not all people involved are always bad people in all cases. People marry the wrong people everyday, just look at the divorce rate for proof.

 

Why would this poster come in here, a forum for people to talk to other people going through similar issues, and speak down on these people from his/her soapbox??? Thats not cool and is the very definition of trolling. Its a shame because before I got married, I used to be one of those people that would always say "I would never do this or I would never do that." If I have learned one thing over the years it is you don't know what you will do until you are actually faced with a given circumstance.

 

I'm not here for any other reason than to get some advice from people going through similar circumstances. I'm not here to judge anyone but at the same time I won't let posters like Dr. Lecter diminish my experience as I would never do that to anyone else.

 

@Mme Chaucer, this post was for you also. :-)

 

 

You are so right. The assumption that the people who did not choose this path were not faced with the circumstance or opportunity to cheat would in my view imply that somehow you (in general you)were somehow special to be presented with the opportunity to cheat and also had weaker boundaries(somehow overcome) and COULD NOT walk away from it. Uh-huh...sure. We all have been put into that situation if you are of a particular age. We all have had or will have marriages that lacked something...doesn't matter what it is because the marriages are made of two flawed people.

 

Yes, if that is how you(generally you) can live with the choices that you make by throwing it out there ("you don't know what you would do" or " I too said I would never do this or that"), is a bunch of bunk. We all have choices no matter what the circumstances are. And as far as you not doing what Dr. Lector does(diminish you experience:rolleyes:) because you would never do that ...didn't you just say "never say never" even though some people would never cheat? I guess you do know how not to cross personal boundaries after all. You made a choice.

[Regular.Joe]

You won't believe it but you are wasting pieces of your time and your life instead of living in the present. I would bet that when things are going well for you that this woman is more in the distance and when things are not so good she is more front and center.

 

This is simply not the case. Ever since my marriage went downhill during the first year (9 years ago), there really haven't been any times where things went well for me other than when my kids were born. I put my life and schooling on hold so my wife could go to school to get her teaching degrees. Now its finally my turn to go back to school this September. However, I have a funny feeling that my wife is going to make this extremely difficult for me. When she was in community college, for those two years, I did 100% of all her homework for her and took 5 online courses for her and never got less than an A on any work I did for her. So by default, since my marriage is pretty bad C is in my mind a lot. Not in an obsessive way, but I think of her often.

 

Also you've spent all this time building the fantasy up of what you imagine it could be.

 

You are entitled to your opinion but I don't live in fantasy land. I do respect what you say about cheating my kids out of the good parts of me as sometimes when things are rocky between wife and I, I know the kids sense it and get upset by it. I treated my wife like a queen even after she cheated. She had her chance to turn it around but didn't.

 

By spending time on your fantasy you are cheating yourself, your wife and your children out of the good parts of yourself and as for your assertion that your wife isn't what you really want, I call BS because if you REALLY wanted to leave you would have found a way and you would have been more proactive about not bringing another child into what you are saying is a bad marriage. I really dislike someone who whines about how bad their life/marriage is when they just passively sit there and let it go on as if things are fine.

 

You can dislike me and call BS all you want, I could honestly care less. You shouldn't be so quick to pass judgement, things and mistakes happen. I don't regret my children one iota. It happened so I am dealing with it. See my post above to Heart On for why I haven't left yet.

 

You should either invest 100% in your marriage or leave you marriage so you can invest in your fantasy. Don't do both at the same time as you will devastate and cause pain to many other people.

 

Again, i'm not in fantasy-land. I don't think everything is all plush and soft clouds. I do however agree with you about your statement saying, "Don't do both at the same time as you will devastate and cause pain to many other people." This is why in the letter I sent her, I said we should NOT attempt to try a relationship or affair while we are still married and that we also shouldn't force our marriages to end for the sole purpose of trying to be with each other (in so many words). I am not trying to cause that woman any added grief to her life. And I've got enough of it in my life than to be trying to start a clandestine relationship while I am still married.

 

However, with all that said, it still doesn't negate how I feel about her. I think my mistake was that I got carried away with the communication that came after I gave her the letter. I almost allowed myself to start expecting more. This thread and most of the replies has been a really great reality check for me though.

 

 

 

I replied in bold above.

[Regular.Joe]

Joe I can honestly tell you that if you are not happy with your wife get a divorce. You seem so stressed about how your life as turned out and the only happiness you have is your children. If you view your life now as just your responsibilities meaning your children It's time to end it. I hope financially it is something that you can afford to do.

 

It is not. I have to save up for a lawyer and an apartment. This is difficult to do with our budget. You could only imagine me saving away money on the side. Wife will notice and begin asking questions.

 

As far as this woman that you love I know she loves you as well. The fear of not knowing what's to come is what stops a lot of people from doing things in life. She's backing away from you because she's scared. It could also be that she wants to see if she can have a happy marriage. The thing is you've tried many times to keep your bond with your wife and you sound so unhappy.

 

I can understand and respect that. I also got the feeling she got scared. If she wants to try to have a better marriage with her husband, I wish her the best, I just want her to be happy. The thing is, I don't want either of us to leave our marriages just to try to be together. If it didn't work between us, it would build false hope and resentment. If she were to get a divorce, I would hope its SOLELY because her marriage just wasn't working and she couldn't stand it anymore. Same on my end. Believe me, I AM unhappy. I'm slowly working towards a divorce. I have to be prepared this time though.

 

Divorce your wife because you no longer want to be with her. Don't divorce her thinking it will help with getting C back in your life. I say you should enjoy single life for a while. It's hard to have a love hit you so hard and you have no control over it. I thank you for the post it was a pleasure to read (I'm surprised I read it... long indeed.) Being in love with old love is the worst of the worst. Even though your heart is crushed continue with your life and don't have any regrets. To experience love is great thing many live their whole life not knowing what it feels like. Best wishes.

 

Thank you sooo much for your time and understanding and reading my post and giving your advice! I VERY much appreciate it!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Ah! The humanity.

[Regular.Joe]

You are so right. The assumption that the people who did not choose this path were not faced with the circumstance or opportunity to cheat would in my view imply that somehow you (in general you)were somehow special to be presented with the opportunity to cheat and also had weaker boundaries(somehow overcome) and COULD NOT walk away from it. Uh-huh...sure.

 

Smh... I NEVER cheated on my wife EVER unless you call emotional affairs cheating. If so, then that's your prerogative to call it what you wish. Never said I was special, never implied I was special so don't know where you pulled that one from (but here's some tissue for you). I can take constructive criticism if you have any but you can save the sarcastic remarks for someone else. (Yup, hypocrisy on my part served up just for you)

 

We all have been put into that situation if you are of a particular age. We all have had or will have marriages that lacked something...doesn't matter what it is because the marriages are made of two flawed people.

 

Yes, if that is how you(generally you) can live with the choices that you make by throwing it out there ("you don't know what you would do" or " I too said I would never do this or that"), is a bunch of bunk.

 

Its a bunch of bunk because you said so even though people go through this realization everyday? I guess you're the special one then because your resolve is sooo rock solid that you know exactly how you would respond to any given situation before it happens I suppose, Uh-huh...sure.

 

We all have choices no matter what the circumstances are.

 

Sure we do. And unless you can see into the future and see all possible outcomes to a given situation, I don't see how anyone can say with 100% certainty how they would respond to any given situation, save a few given ones.

 

And as far as you not doing what Dr. Lector does(diminish you experience:rolleyes:) because you would never do that ...didn't you just say "never say never" even though some people would never cheat? I guess you do know how not to cross personal boundaries after all. You made a choice.

 

Not gonna even respond to this nonsense. (oh wait, I just did )

 

 

 

I replied in bold above.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Regular.Joe

[Mimolicious]

Oh my goodness!

 

Do you happen to be doing some research on posters to internet discussion boards and you're meeting with your professor on Friday?

 

 

Starting to become a trend...

 

Too much surpressing going on. I don't know, sounds like you missed the boat with your childhood crush.

[Regular.Joe]

Starting to become a trend...

 

@ "starting to become a trend", I don't understand what you guys mean by the professor thing. Did I interpret it wrong? I thought the first poster that mentioned it meant I was trolling.

 

Too much surpressing going on. I don't know, sounds like you missed the boat with your childhood crush.

 

 

Very much a possibility. I hope not but hey, if I did, I wish her the best!

[2sure]

Joe, I appreciate that in your heart you really feel that C is "the One" and always has been. But you know - you are basing this idea on your feelings for her when you were 9 years old until..14. I am not saying you didnt have warm fuzzy thoughts about her then...but children become different people when they grow up. You did not date when you were teens, you have never dated or spent a significant amount of time with her. You may be using this love you feel you have for her as a way to escape and distract you from the reality of your life.

 

If you cannot, as you said repeatedly , stand your wife...stop having children with her. Does your wife realize that while she is making a family that you are simply waiting to be single? Not doing anything about it, just waiting ??

 

You told C how you felt about her. She told you she loved her BF but you said you dont believe her. She married him. She chose him because although she was fond of you, she loved him.

 

True love, real love is not unrequited. As much as it feels like it and as much as it hurts...unless the love is there for both..it isnt THE One.

 

Focus.

[Regular.Joe]

Joe, I appreciate that in your heart you really feel that C is "the One" and always has been. But you know - you are basing this idea on your feelings for her when you were 9 years old until..14. I am not saying you didnt have warm fuzzy thoughts about her then...but children become different people when they grow up. You did not date when you were teens, you have never dated or spent a significant amount of time with her.

 

I know. I have thought about this a LOT, yet my feelings for her don't go away even when I try to forget them. Truth is, and I told her this in my letter, that I know her, but don't know her.

 

You may be using this love you feel you have for her as a way to escape and distract you from the reality of your life.

 

Thought about this too. As that marriage counseling book says, yes, my love tank is VERY empty. However, I do try to keep things in perspective and not use it as an escape. My marriage problems are real and would be there if C was in my heart and mind or not.

 

If you cannot, as you said repeatedly , stand your wife...stop having children with her. Does your wife realize that while she is making a family that you are simply waiting to be single? Not doing anything about it, just waiting ??

 

I am contemplating getting a vasectomy. My wife only wants to be married for the novelty of it and because I am a great convenience to her. Everything is ALWAYS about her. Her sleep is the most important therefore she doesn't wake to attend our two month old at night. Let me stop now because I could go on forever. We just aren't compatible. We see the world VERY differently. She chooses to ignore these facts because its easier to just stay together until the kids are 18 according to her (this is what she told MC). She claims to love me but sure does have a really odd way of showing it.

 

You told C how you felt about her. She told you she loved her BF but you said you dont believe her. She married him. She chose him because although she was fond of you, she loved him.

 

This seems to be the cold hard reality of it at times, especially when put like that.

 

True love, real love is not unrequited. As much as it feels like it and as much as it hurts...unless the love is there for both..it isnt THE One.

 

So so so true!

 

Focus.

 

You said some pretty powerful stuff. Thanks for not being sarcastic or negative!

[2sure]

Been there...I was hearbroken..just not that long. Plus, while I was grieving him I was not paying attention to my own life.

[whichwayisup]

You told C how you felt about her. She told you she loved her BF but you said you dont believe her. She married him. She chose him because although she was fond of you, she loved him.

 

This seems to be the cold hard reality of it at times, especially when put like that.

 

And somehow, with therapy, you need to work through your feelings for her and learn to let go.

 

She isn't yours, never was and never will be. As much as it's going to hurt, you need to UNlearn and get rid of the behaviour (no thinking/fantasizing, wishing, missing her) that is causing you to hang onto her.

 

This is YOUR life, why waste it on someone who doesn't feel the same towards you?

 

The way you process this in your own mind, what you feel for her is NOT what she feels for you. Believe that, and believe her words (and actions) because if you don't, you're going to waste the rest of your life wanting someone, obsessing about someone, who isn't into you.

[Mimolicious]

Very much a possibility. I hope not but hey, if I did, I wish her the best!

 

 

Also, the person that your heart love may be that 8yrs old little girl. She may not be the same person that you are having this phantom feelings for. Been there... Good luck!

[2sure]

I think you answered yourself Joe: Your "Love Tank is Empty"

 

You are trying to fill it up yourself, but really you need a partner to do it.

How about your wife...whats her Tank Level?

 

I understand you have major differences, but it may not be hopeless.

Since you mentioned the empty love tank...you have probably heard this also:

 

The hows and ways that make you feel loved and the hows and ways that make your wife feel loved...are probably completely different.

Now, its one thing to say: I dont care to make her feel loved

But another to say: I dont know how.

 

What do you want from your wife, what does she want from you?

Maybe your tank doesnt have to be empty.

[Baroness67]

I'm starting to catch on more quickly. If something seems off I just look to the join date. If it says the current month, we've got a winner.

[bentnotbroken]

I replied in bold above.

 

 

Ahhh Chew(********)