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♥ ~ Love Sickness ~ ♥


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HeartShineGirl

I am totally and completely love sick. A year ago I met a man who lied to me and told me that he was single, that he had no kids and that he didn't smoke. At the time I was engaged (in a 6 year engagement) and was not looking for any kind of affair or romance with anyone else.

 

We kind of kept in touch though, as I am a friendly person and I like to meet all kinds of people, and chat to them. After a few months of running in to each other here and there he started to give me presents. He was the only person to give me a present the day I graduated from college, he gave me money to go on a trip I had been planning, and he listened to me talk about all the problems in my life, I vented to him. I don't know why.

 

My fiance was slowly weaning away from me for the past 2 years and eventually he did break up with me. I knew that would happen.

 

Me and this other guy kept talking, chatting and texting each other and hanging out when we had time, to talk.

 

One thing led to another and we ended up having an affair. At first I didn't want that though, and I avoided him... but he was always inviting me over to talk or to give me something, presents or whatever. I sometimes wondered why he did it and teased him one time and said "What are you my sugar daddy?" and he looked kind of hurt when I said that. He responded that he wanted to do it (give me things). After several months though, he admitted to being in love with me.

 

I'd never had a man so romantic fall in love with me. He gave me gifts, sang me songs, wrote me poetry, held my hand, opened the doors for me, kissed me in public, even seat belted me into his truck with the sweetest kisses in the world. I knew he was falling for me, and I was falling for him.

 

I thought I had never had a man love me the way he did. I'd never been treated like a princess, he called me "My lady" and he told me every day that he loved me and how beautiful I was. I had low self esteem and he brought it right up to the top. I felt on top of the world around him. I still do. Every time I'm with him. It's always wonderful.

 

He was the first man that I didn't mind if he saw me completely naked. I didn't care, I would climb right into the shower with him, without any shy feelings. I opened myself up to him in every way, in ways I had never done with anyone else, both emotionally and physically, I'd even say spiritually.

 

And the magic between us was undeniable. It was infectious. Our laughter, our smiles, our joking around, our playfulness, or sensitivity to each other, in every way. Our long talks about things that seemed so magical. Even our little romantic fantasy day dreams that we would lay in bed and tell to each other. Everything was so perfect.

 

I remember the day I met him being so afraid of him, and not knowing why. Looking back I know why now. I saw myself in him. He was so transparent to me because everything he did/said was exactly like me, and exactly what I would do and say. Even the noises he made when walking (he jingles like the sound of bells from all his keys) are like mine. I also jingle because I have keys too and on them bells.

 

Then something happened. He started having me come over to spend the night and I noticed he would leave the room around 9pm to make phone calls, outside on the balcony in private. They'd last about an hour and they were every night. He told me they were work calls....

 

I suddenly realized it was more than work calls. I realized he was most likely married.

 

I looked his name up online and did a search on him and found that he did have a home with a female in the household with the same last name. I knew then that I was having an affair with a married man.

 

He worked in my city, and lived there while he was at work, then on the weekends he traveled the 3 hour drive back to his city where he lived with his wife, and yes, a family... a son and a dog... and guess what? He also smokes.

 

I had to battle inside of my heart about how I felt, I wanted to confront him but I decided I wanted him to tell me the truth, I wanted him to come clean to me on his own terms, and thus I continued to see him for another couple of months until one day he suddenly admitted it all to me.

 

He was crying, and upset and I could tell that he was afraid I would walk away and say "Screw this!"

 

By now we were both madly in love and nothing I learned of his "other life" could turn off my feelings. I kept thinking about the fact that I once did the same thing. I once lived with a man and had an affair, and for 3 years I kept it going and then finally left... I left and got engaged to the man I was seeing behind my man's back. Then, that man broke up with me, because he wanted me to be with him "right now" and I couldn't because I was still in college and a 19 hour plane flight away and another 8 hour by train. He lived in a whole different country. I couldn't just drop everything and be with him.

 

I feel/felt that this is what it was like for this guy I was seeing now. He had all this "other life" and couldn't just drop it to be with me, as much as he loved being with me. I realized though because I had done the same just how much we were alike... and I pondered what he was going through, as I knew what I went through, and how difficult it was for me to finally leave my ex.

 

There have been two occasions in the past year where she's learned of me, and has asked him to drop contact with me. Both times he has promised her he would but he has not dropped contact with me. His love for me is too much and he is trying to decide how to leave her, in the best way possible with the least amount of agony and pain to all involved. He's also way in over his head with house, cars, bills, etc. So much so that almost his entire pay check goes to all that and for him to move out would mean that he would have no money to rent anywhere, so long as she and the son stayed in the house. He's sort of "staying home" to have somewhere to live especially now that his company has moved his 'job site' back to his city, where they are.

 

And, here I am... still in love with him... still believing in him when he says he wants to be with me and he is planning to leave her... yet it's been about 8 months since she first learned about me.

 

When I spoke to her on the phone she told me that he doesn't like to have sex with her. She told me some very inappropriate things, and never once really showed any emotional pain at the fact that he was in love with me.

 

He's told me a lot about her and their marriage and she got on the phone and told me a lot too... backing up everything that he said. I believe he is being truthful with me, to a point. But I know he lies too, and I understand why he lies. He lies to me because he wants me to feel really loved and he sometimes tells me things like 'telling her how much he loves me and wants to be with me, etc..." and then I find out that's not exactly what he said... or when he said it, but more like "what he wished he had said.... or what he really felt and believed but didn't have the courage to tell her..." etc.

 

We've agreed that we need to focus on our lives as they are. He has his job and has to save up to move out, and I have school and my job and my kids to concern myself with.

 

He tells me how unhappy he is with his marriage, and how he does want to leave he's just trying to save up money and I understand what it's like to not have anywhere to go to.. and to WANT to be in your own home with your own things, and since she's not pushing him out or seeming to really care too much other than she just wants me out of the picture and as long as she believes that she is fine, he seems to just keep letting her believe that but he does admit he loves me and wants to be with me to her.

 

I sometimes think the only reason she doesn't want to lose him is because he takes such good care of her.

 

I know only one thing... what he and I have, what we understand about each other, even with the lies (because I used to lie about the same things in my past- and understand it all completely) is something I've never felt matched as good with anyone else in my life. He's the only person I've been able to feel relaxed with... It's like we're the same creatures... it's like we both have done the same "bad" things in life... it's like we both understand each other and don't try to be anything we're not with each other.

 

And, the love.... it's like that last missing puzzle piece in your life that feels like everything is finally complete.

 

Where with other people I could "never" be "myself" because I thought no one would understand me, nor would they accept me.

 

I'm not perfect. Although, most people think I am when they meet me. They think I'm so sweet, and kind and nice and lovable. Little do they know how really "bad" I am.

 

Bad in the sense of morally and ethically not right. Since I know what is Morally "right" and I chose to turn my cheek and follow my heart. I see that this makes me selfish and I see it causes hurt and pain.

 

But, I don't openly try to hurt anyone. I'm just finally happy and I see how happy he is with me too. And, when I met him I remember a very lonely old man who was just waiting to die of a heart attack, or loneliness. It was written all over his face, and he used to say things about not living much longer all of the time.

 

Now he smiles all of the time and his eyes are full of life and we laugh and laugh and laugh.

 

And, our love is like a teenage romance.

 

I seriously feel this way and at the same time I am angry that he is still with her after all the times he has said he would leave her "soon" and soon has come and gone so many months ago. When we talk lately... I keep reminding him of this and telling him how much all this is hurting me. He feels my pain and even has said he wishes he had never lied to me and he never meant to cause me any pain, because he loves me and all he ever wanted to do was see me happy.

 

I said to him today "What do you want to do?" he said "Be with you."

 

Until then,.... I hurt every day knowing he's not with me, and that I don't get to see him as much as I used to see him when he lived here in the same town as me.

 

This sucks so bad. :(

 

But, I love him.

Edited by HeartShineGirl
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Feelin Frisky

Welcome to LS. Love is such a wonderful thing. I'm happy for you. May it last forever.

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And, here I am... still in love with him... still believing in him when he says he wants to be with me and he is planning to leave her... yet it's been about 8 months since she first learned about me.

 

That about says it all,doesn't it? I mean really.

What part of this doesn't scream

that you are being strung along?

 

 

 

 

This sucks so bad. :(

 

But, I love him.

 

Sounds like just another love addiction/betrayal bond to me.

 

Do you happen to notice that there is an unhealthy pattern

in all your love relationships?

 

I do.

 

 

http://love-addiction.com/onlove.html

Love addiction is about unhealthy dependency and about poor self esteem. It is about a fear of abandonment and about an impaired sense of identify. It is about holding on to a relationship at all costs. It is not about loving too much. We are able to depend on another too much, we are able to cling to another too much, we are able to give another women too much responsibility for our life and happiness. We cannot love too much; genuine love is never bad and can never harm us.

 

So what is a love or relationship addiction and who is a love addict? A love addict is a woman who substitutes an unhealthy and mood altering relationship with a process (i.e. relationship) for a healthy, life giving relationship with another person. An addict is a person who puts this unhealthy relationship at center of her life. This relationship with a mood altering process is an addiction. My own rule of thumb is that a person is addicted to a relationship if being in that relationship had clear negative effects on her life and she continues in the relationship regardless of the effects.

 

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Peabody5.html

Obsessed Love Addicts (OLAs) cannot let go, even if their partners are:

Unavailable emotionally or sexually; afraid to commit; cannot communicate;unloving;distant; abusive; controlling and dictatorial; ego-centric; selfish; or addicted to something outside the relationship (hobbies, drugs, alcohol, sex, someone else, gambling, shopping etc.)

 

Torch Bearers are ALAs who obsess about someone who is unavailable. This can be done without acting out (suffering in silence) or by pursuing the person they are in love with. Some torch bearers are more addicted than others. This kind of addiction feeds on fantasies and illusions.

It is also known as unrequited love.

 

 

I said to him today "What do you want to do?" he said "Be with you."

 

Until then,.... I hurt every day knowing he's not with me, and that I don't get to see him as much as I used to see him when he lived here in the same town as me.

 

 

Talk is CHEAP!!!!!!!!!

If he meant what he said,he would BE with you and

not contining to go home to his wife.

Please realize this before you waste the best

years of your life on this man.

 

 

He worked in my city, and lived there while he was at work, then on the weekends he traveled the 3 hour drive back to his city where he lived with his wife, and yes, a family... a son and a dog... and guess what? He also smokes.

 

And those are just the lies you uncovered.

 

If the fantasy is enough for you,continue to pine over this man and accomodate him,if you want a real life with a real man....end this on your own terms so you don't lose yourself fully and find years have passed and he is STILL with his wife.

 

I think I read you have kids.....a daughter maybe?

What advice would you give her about loving a MM?

 

BTW...my hometown is the Pacific Palisades.

 

There are plenty of available men in the world

why fall for a man who lied to you from day one?

Edited by Heart On
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I have all the sympathy in the world for people truly in love with a MP, but all that sympathy goes out the door if the MP LIES about being married. There is just no excuse manipulating someone into an affair without giving them a choice.

 

"His love for me is too much and he is trying to decide how to leave her, in the best way possible with the least amount of agony and pain to all involved. He's also way in over his head with house, cars, bills, etc. So much so that almost his entire pay check goes to all that and for him to move out would mean that he would have no money to rent anywhere, so long as she and the son stayed in the house. He's sort of "staying home" to have somewhere to live especially now that his company has moved his 'job site' back to his city, where they are."

 

 

They all do say that, genuine or not. They all say they are working out how to go about it best, when the truth is, as my MM found out - there is NO WAY to leave someone without hurting them.

There is also NO WAY to leave a marriage without being financially punched in the head. Everyone has house, car, bills....and yet the genuine ones still divorce. They are just excuses.

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fooled once
I am totally and completely love sick. A year ago I met a man who lied to me and told me that he was single, that he had no kids and that he didn't smoke. At the time I was engaged (in a 6 year engagement) and was not looking for any kind of affair or romance with anyone else.

 

Then something happened. He started having me come over to spend the night and I noticed he would leave the room around 9pm to make phone calls, outside on the balcony in private. They'd last about an hour and they were every night. He told me they were work calls....

 

**So during this love affair, he left you laying in bed for an hour every night you were there so he could talk to his wife. And when you found out he was talking to his wife, you didn't think to yourself "what a lying piece of sh*t! How can he call his wife after having sex with me!!"

 

I suddenly realized it was more than work calls. I realized he was most likely married.

 

I looked his name up online and did a search on him and found that he did have a home with a female in the household with the same last name. I knew then that I was having an affair with a married man.

 

**what exactly did you look up to see that he had a wife?

He worked in my city, and lived there while he was at work, then on the weekends he traveled the 3 hour drive back to his city where he lived with his wife, and yes, a family... a son and a dog... and guess what? He also smokes.

 

**So you didn't wonder where he went on weekends PRIOR to finding out about the wife? You didn't wonder why he disappeared every weekend?

 

I had to battle inside of my heart about how I felt, I wanted to confront him but I decided I wanted him to tell me the truth, I wanted him to come clean to me on his own terms, and thus I continued to see him for another couple of months until one day he suddenly admitted it all to me.

 

He was crying, and upset and I could tell that he was afraid I would walk away and say "Screw this!"

 

**So you find out he has been lying to you, lying to his wife and even lied about smoking and you do what? Nothing. You wait. You watch him call his wife every night after having sex with you and you say nothing. You knew he went home to her every weekend and you say nothing?

 

He was crying and upset that his little fantasy life got blown apart!

 

By now we were both madly in love and nothing I learned of his "other life" could turn off my feelings. I kept thinking about the fact that I once did the same thing. I once lived with a man and had an affair, and for 3 years I kept it going and then finally left... I left and got engaged to the man I was seeing behind my man's back. Then, that man broke up with me, because he wanted me to be with him "right now" and I couldn't because I was still in college and a 19 hour plane flight away and another 8 hour by train. He lived in a whole different country. I couldn't just drop everything and be with him.

 

I feel/felt that this is what it was like for this guy I was seeing now. He had all this "other life" and couldn't just drop it to be with me, as much as he loved being with me. I realized though because I had done the same just how much we were alike... and I pondered what he was going through, as I knew what I went through, and how difficult it was for me to finally leave my ex.

 

**Please stop comparing your broken relationships with a broken marriage. Being cheated on by a boyfriend is one thing. Cheating on a wife and family is another. Do you NOT see how different that is? Please tell me you can see the difference.

 

There have been two occasions in the past year where she's learned of me, and has asked him to drop contact with me. Both times he has promised her he would but he has not dropped contact with me. His love for me is too much and he is trying to decide how to leave her, in the best way possible with the least amount of agony and pain to all involved. He's also way in over his head with house, cars, bills, etc. So much so that almost his entire pay check goes to all that and for him to move out would mean that he would have no money to rent anywhere, so long as she and the son stayed in the house. He's sort of "staying home" to have somewhere to live especially now that his company has moved his 'job site' back to his city, where they are.

 

And, here I am... still in love with him... still believing in him when he says he wants to be with me and he is planning to leave her... yet it's been about 8 months since she first learned about me.

 

When I spoke to her on the phone she told me that he doesn't like to have sex with her. She told me some very inappropriate things, and never once really showed any emotional pain at the fact that he was in love with me.

 

He's told me a lot about her and their marriage and she got on the phone and told me a lot too... backing up everything that he said. I believe he is being truthful with me, to a point. But I know he lies too, and I understand why he lies. He lies to me because he wants me to feel really loved and he sometimes tells me things like 'telling her how much he loves me and wants to be with me, etc..." and then I find out that's not exactly what he said... or when he said it, but more like "what he wished he had said.... or what he really felt and believed but didn't have the courage to tell her..." etc.

 

We've agreed that we need to focus on our lives as they are. He has his job and has to save up to move out, and I have school and my job and my kids to concern myself with.

 

He tells me how unhappy he is with his marriage, and how he does want to leave he's just trying to save up money and I understand what it's like to not have anywhere to go to.. and to WANT to be in your own home with your own things, and since she's not pushing him out or seeming to really care too much other than she just wants me out of the picture and as long as she believes that she is fine, he seems to just keep letting her believe that but he does admit he loves me and wants to be with me to her.

 

I sometimes think the only reason she doesn't want to lose him is because he takes such good care of her.

 

I know only one thing... what he and I have, what we understand about each other, even with the lies (because I used to lie about the same things in my past- and understand it all completely) is something I've never felt matched as good with anyone else in my life. He's the only person I've been able to feel relaxed with... It's like we're the same creatures... it's like we both have done the same "bad" things in life... it's like we both understand each other and don't try to be anything we're not with each other.

 

And, the love.... it's like that last missing puzzle piece in your life that feels like everything is finally complete.

 

Where with other people I could "never" be "myself" because I thought no one would understand me, nor would they accept me.

 

I'm not perfect. Although, most people think I am when they meet me. They think I'm so sweet, and kind and nice and lovable. Little do they know how really "bad" I am.

 

Bad in the sense of morally and ethically not right. Since I know what is Morally "right" and I chose to turn my cheek and follow my heart. I see that this makes me selfish and I see it causes hurt and pain.

 

But, I don't openly try to hurt anyone. I'm just finally happy and I see how happy he is with me too. And, when I met him I remember a very lonely old man who was just waiting to die of a heart attack, or loneliness. It was written all over his face, and he used to say things about not living much longer all of the time.

 

**Come on...isn't this a little dramatic? A lonely "old" man waiting to die of loneliness or a heart attack? :rolleyes:

 

Now he smiles all of the time and his eyes are full of life and we laugh and laugh and laugh.

 

And, our love is like a teenage romance.

 

I seriously feel this way and at the same time I am angry that he is still with her after all the times he has said he would leave her "soon" and soon has come and gone so many months ago. When we talk lately... I keep reminding him of this and telling him how much all this is hurting me. He feels my pain and even has said he wishes he had never lied to me and he never meant to cause me any pain, because he loves me and all he ever wanted to do was see me happy.

 

**So you claim he loves you just unbelieveably, yet he hasn't left his wife. Have you ever questioned why? If he supposedly tells his wife he loves you and wants to be with you...but he STILL doesn't leave. Don't you ever wonder if you have the word SUCKER written on your forehead? Why should he leave? He has his wife, who he does love since he stays. He has you for sex during the week. You fawn all over him, boost his ego and dote on his every word. He knows he can sleep with his wife AND you. What man is going to give that up since both you and the wife seem okay with it??

 

I said to him today "What do you want to do?" he said "Be with you."

 

Until then,.... I hurt every day knowing he's not with me, and that I don't get to see him as much as I used to see him when he lived here in the same town as me.

 

This sucks so bad. :(

 

But, I love him.

 

How much older is he than you? 15+ years?

 

Why should he leave?

Why are YOU talking to his wife?

Why hasn't he left?

Why do you tolerate being treated like his weekday lover?

 

Let's not do the whole "I have low self esteem and he makes me feel wonderful". His WIFE probably says the same thing.

 

He is going to stay with his wife and you are going to stay being his mistress. You are going to sit and wait and wait and wait ..... and wait.

 

IF he loved you, he would want to be with you. There is no reason for him to NOT leave. He supposedly told his wife he wants to be with you. Yet he stays. Why? When his wife found out, it was the perfect time for him to leave. And he didn't.

 

I think you like the gifts he gives you; he probably helps you financially and he can play daddy to your kids during the week.

 

Do your kids know he is married and has his OWN child?

 

This is such a mess and you are allowing him to use you.

 

You have 2 choices - accept you are only the mistress.

Tell him to hit the road and you won't be his Monday through Friday at 5 pm lover.

 

You lived before him, you will survive after him.

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HeartShineGirl

Thank you all for your comments. I very much enjoyed reading them and I did need to hear them.

 

I'm going to think about everything everyone said, and trust me, I do listen to advice and at times I do take that advice.

 

All of your comments were wonderful, every one of you. And, it's nice to know there are people who care enough out there to listen to a situation like mine and give good feedback when it's not something I can openly discuss with others in my life as easily. As you can imagine why.

 

In response to fooled once, yes I do see the difference in a marriage (relationship) and a dating (relationship). The one I was comparing was with a boyfriend that I lived with for 7 years as if married. We moved all over the United States together, living in different states, went to college together and raised our kids together (he had his 2 and I had mine) but we were a big "brady bunch" type of family. We just never tied the knot.

 

And, I do know that our relationship wasn't "marriage worthy" I guess you could say and all we did was "live together" but to me it felt like a commitment similar to marriage, but in my unhappiness I wandered away and had an affair. A piece of paper saying "married" on it wouldn't have made me feel any more guilty than I did feel. I felt completely guilty in all ways.

 

The online stuff... well I knew the city he lived in, and I knew his name (which was not a name that is very popular) thus I was able to look him up in one of the online phone directories, which gave me an address and then also using that address I was able to look up other people at that address. All of this is just stuff you can do online without paying any money out to do a "background search".

 

He's 10 years older than me.

 

Yes, I have 3 children, all daughters. 2 are over 18, and one is just under 18.

 

I suppose the only reason I let things go and didn't say anything is I felt like I had been in his same shoes and I remembered how I felt and why I did what I did and the guilt of it all. I suppose I felt a kinship there with him in a sense of "wow, I've done this before... I know what it's like to be in his shoes." It doesn't make it right, by any means, but it made me understand how human it is to make these kinds of wrong decisions (lies, cheating) and how and why we do it.

 

Um, lets see.. you also asked about his son, who is an adult, over 18... Um, and yes my kids know he's married, so do my parents. Once he came out to me about the truth, he came out to everyone in my life.

 

He apologized and said the reason he lied to me was because he had been living alone for about 9 months, traveling down to his home town once a month or so to visit his son, and do house repairs, not so much to see the wife. Um,... he loved his freedom from her and how good it felt to be on his own and was contemplating permanent separation even before he met me.

 

When he met me, and I immediately asked about his life he completely lied about it all because he knew that would end all possibility of me being interested in him in any way, and he took a complete interest in me straight away. I think he was hoping to find romance, and love... something he felt he never had in his marriage, which after talking to his wife I find that is the case.

 

Um, and about talking to her. That was her decision. She kept on trying to contact me and I didn't want to talk to her, I kept hanging up. Finally after he told me that he told her he loved me and wanted to be with me she wanted to know me better and I guess she was hoping to control the situation or be in the middle of it all. She wanted to know every detail since she couldn't live with not knowing everything. Again she said and asked very inappropriate things, all the while seeming only concerned with her security in having a home, and material things, she didn't seem to care whatsoever about his feelings. While talking to her she called him names that were very cruel and it showed me how she has spent the last 27 years belittling him and keeping his self esteem low so that she could keep him.

 

Lets just say the "nick names" she calls him are terrible ones. It would be like calling the one you love names like "ugly girl" or "stupid idiot" or "flat chested" etc. If you were a man talking about your wife.

 

Example of what she said to me, I will switch it to what a husband would say as to not reveal too much.

 

It would be like if a man said "Oh my wife is a stupid ****, she's just a flat chested bimbo, why would you want her?"

 

example is seriously very similar to what she said to me about the man she supposedly "loves". Again, she never once claimed to love him on the phone. Matter of fact she talked about how all these other guys wanted her.

 

I should say that he has believed he was only her husband for the money and pretty sure she's had affairs and might even be now as well. Especially since he was always overseas for most of their marriage at work, and she never wanted to go with him even though he offered her to so many times.

 

I'm not trying to say that she's horrible, just saying that he never felt truly loved and never had romance, and I think this is why he was always in search of it.

 

I know I could not imagine living in a relationship with someone that always made me feel "not good enough" for her if I was a man. But that's exactly how she talks about him and exactly how he feels.

 

When I said about him "dying soon, or such" I'm serious that in our talks (back when we were just friends) he used to say things such as "I want to help you out, I can't take this money to my grave and I'd rather help you than see it go to waste...." or such, because he was on heart medication and he was really nothing like he is now, I know it sounds dramatic, but in reality he was a "tired old man" even though he shouldn't have been, he was not as old as he acted. He spent so many years "taking care of everyone else" with little asking of more from his family, he became a work-a-holic and worked 6-7 days a week. Retired from the Navy and continued to work his butt off ever since for the government. Why would a man who is happy in his marriage prefer to spend every waking moment at work? Because he's not happy at home. But, he wanted to try to make them happy (her and son) by giving them the best life he could afford and in the process work himself to death because he felt it was his responsibility to them to give them all he could. That's how he showed his love.

 

But, as he said so many times "All I do, I have done for them..." he never did for himself... that is until he found me. Then and only then did he feel he was finally giving himself what he had always longed for... a relationship of love and romance that he had spent his life missing.

 

At least that is what he says to me.

 

What do you think?

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Woman In Blue

These walls of text are giving me seizures so I admit I simply couldn't finish reading the initial post. Sorry.

 

But honestly, I didn't need to read the rest of that novella, because once I got to the part where you found out he'd LIED TO YOU about his entire life, that's when you should have kicked his worthless, deceitful, manipulative ass to the curb. That was scumbag, low rent behavior and NOTHING more.

 

But you didn't give him exactly what he deserved. You kept him around because you "love" him.

 

So what does that tell him?

 

That you're willing to allow a man to completely disrespect you in every conceivable way and will hang around hoping for more.

 

Congratulations - you're no longer a victim, but a volunteer.

 

Good luck with that.

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I know I could not imagine living in a relationship with someone that always made me feel "not good enough" for her if I was a man. But that's exactly how she talks about him and exactly how he feels.

 

I suppose the only reason I let things go and didn't say anything is I felt like I had been in his same shoes and I remembered how I felt and why I did what I did and the guilt of it all. I suppose I felt a kinship there with him in a sense of "wow, I've done this before... I know what it's like to be in his shoes." It doesn't make it right, by any means, but it made me understand how human it is to make these kinds of wrong decisions (lies, cheating) and how and why we do it.

 

So you stayed so you could rationalize why you cheated in your past.

Is that what you would tell your daughters to do?

 

And you can relate as someone has done that to you,I get it.

That's how my xMM got to me too.Difference being,I left my unhappy marriage,without so much as a hint that he would be there waiting in the wings.What they do is called a pity ploy and whether

it's true or not,I am more than sure his behavior warrented her unhappiness with him.He simply has the two of you triangulated now and his the puppet master of both of your lives and really the ONLY winner will be the woman who BAILS OUT not the one who winds up with him.

 

The real question is,do you want to find out the TRUTH of him and what she has endured? I watched what my xMM was capable of living with at her and my expense and it was beyond disgusting.I was so shocked it took a long time to wrap my head around it all but when I WISED UP....and walked away with what was left of my pride and dignity is the very moment I began to heal and work on my own issues and realize that just because someone claims to be miserable,doesn't mean I have to SAVE them.

 

 

But you didn't give him exactly what he deserved. You kept him around because you "love" him.

 

So what does that tell him?

 

That you're willing to allow a man to completely disrespect you in every conceivable way and will hang around hoping for more.

 

Congratulations - you're no longer a victim, but a volunteer.

 

Sad but true.

 

I leave this test in most threads as it always seems fitting.

http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm

 

Seems to me,the underlying theme is that you aren't comfortable with men who aren't "projects" or who don't need to be "fixed".

You have rescue compulsions and until you change that,your patterns with never be broken.

 

Why would that be?

 

For me,it was to avoid my own issues.

Without my xH or my xMM in the way,

I got the chance to truly see ME and work on my own problems

and stop trying to save the damn world at my own expense

and call it "LOVE".

Edited by Heart On
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Thank you all for your comments. I very much enjoyed reading them and I did need to hear them.

 

I'm going to think about everything everyone said, and trust me, I do listen to advice and at times I do take that advice.

 

All of your comments were wonderful, every one of you. And, it's nice to know there are people who care enough out there to listen to a situation like mine and give good feedback when it's not something I can openly discuss with others in my life as easily. As you can imagine why.

 

In response to fooled once, yes I do see the difference in a marriage (relationship) and a dating (relationship). The one I was comparing was with a boyfriend that I lived with for 7 years as if married. We moved all over the United States together, living in different states, went to college together and raised our kids together (he had his 2 and I had mine) but we were a big "brady bunch" type of family. We just never tied the knot.

 

And, I do know that our relationship wasn't "marriage worthy" I guess you could say and all we did was "live together" but to me it felt like a commitment similar to marriage, but in my unhappiness I wandered away and had an affair. A piece of paper saying "married" on it wouldn't have made me feel any more guilty than I did feel. I felt completely guilty in all ways.

 

The online stuff... well I knew the city he lived in, and I knew his name (which was not a name that is very popular) thus I was able to look him up in one of the online phone directories, which gave me an address and then also using that address I was able to look up other people at that address. All of this is just stuff you can do online without paying any money out to do a "background search".

 

He's 10 years older than me.

 

Yes, I have 3 children, all daughters. 2 are over 18, and one is just under 18.

 

I suppose the only reason I let things go and didn't say anything is I felt like I had been in his same shoes and I remembered how I felt and why I did what I did and the guilt of it all. I suppose I felt a kinship there with him in a sense of "wow, I've done this before... I know what it's like to be in his shoes." It doesn't make it right, by any means, but it made me understand how human it is to make these kinds of wrong decisions (lies, cheating) and how and why we do it.

 

Um, lets see.. you also asked about his son, who is an adult, over 18... Um, and yes my kids know he's married, so do my parents. Once he came out to me about the truth, he came out to everyone in my life.

 

He apologized and said the reason he lied to me was because he had been living alone for about 9 months, traveling down to his home town once a month or so to visit his son, and do house repairs, not so much to see the wife. Um,... he loved his freedom from her and how good it felt to be on his own and was contemplating permanent separation even before he met me.

 

When he met me, and I immediately asked about his life he completely lied about it all because he knew that would end all possibility of me being interested in him in any way, and he took a complete interest in me straight away. I think he was hoping to find romance, and love... something he felt he never had in his marriage, which after talking to his wife I find that is the case.

 

Um, and about talking to her. That was her decision. She kept on trying to contact me and I didn't want to talk to her, I kept hanging up. Finally after he told me that he told her he loved me and wanted to be with me she wanted to know me better and I guess she was hoping to control the situation or be in the middle of it all. She wanted to know every detail since she couldn't live with not knowing everything. Again she said and asked very inappropriate things, all the while seeming only concerned with her security in having a home, and material things, she didn't seem to care whatsoever about his feelings. While talking to her she called him names that were very cruel and it showed me how she has spent the last 27 years belittling him and keeping his self esteem low so that she could keep him.

 

Lets just say the "nick names" she calls him are terrible ones. It would be like calling the one you love names like "ugly girl" or "stupid idiot" or "flat chested" etc. If you were a man talking about your wife.

 

Example of what she said to me, I will switch it to what a husband would say as to not reveal too much.

 

It would be like if a man said "Oh my wife is a stupid ****, she's just a flat chested bimbo, why would you want her?"

 

example is seriously very similar to what she said to me about the man she supposedly "loves". Again, she never once claimed to love him on the phone. Matter of fact she talked about how all these other guys wanted her.

 

I should say that he has believed he was only her husband for the money and pretty sure she's had affairs and might even be now as well. Especially since he was always overseas for most of their marriage at work, and she never wanted to go with him even though he offered her to so many times.

 

I'm not trying to say that she's horrible, just saying that he never felt truly loved and never had romance, and I think this is why he was always in search of it.

 

I know I could not imagine living in a relationship with someone that always made me feel "not good enough" for her if I was a man. But that's exactly how she talks about him and exactly how he feels.

 

When I said about him "dying soon, or such" I'm serious that in our talks (back when we were just friends) he used to say things such as "I want to help you out, I can't take this money to my grave and I'd rather help you than see it go to waste...." or such, because he was on heart medication and he was really nothing like he is now, I know it sounds dramatic, but in reality he was a "tired old man" even though he shouldn't have been, he was not as old as he acted. He spent so many years "taking care of everyone else" with little asking of more from his family, he became a work-a-holic and worked 6-7 days a week. Retired from the Navy and continued to work his butt off ever since for the government. Why would a man who is happy in his marriage prefer to spend every waking moment at work? Because he's not happy at home. But, he wanted to try to make them happy (her and son) by giving them the best life he could afford and in the process work himself to death because he felt it was his responsibility to them to give them all he could. That's how he showed his love.

 

But, as he said so many times "All I do, I have done for them..." he never did for himself... that is until he found me. Then and only then did he feel he was finally giving himself what he had always longed for... a relationship of love and romance that he had spent his life missing.

 

At least that is what he says to me.

 

What do you think?

 

Heartshine...........so many of the things you've wrote in the above are extremely common things that mm say about their marriages and the image of projecting what a non-selfish self sacrificing guy they are is standard fare. (I heard same and similar from mine)

Also......I wouldn't be so quick to make a lot of judgments about what his wife said to you either. You don't know the real background between them and I would guess that you hung on to the only the things that she said that seem to confirm what he told you and the rest of it was discarded in your head. There are so many red flags here that your eyes should be hurting from the flashes of red.

 

Hon..........if a man lies about such a huge thing as his marital status, the other lies and there will be many, many more will slip off his tongue without any thought at all..........I learned this the hard way. You need to realize the enormity of just how much a deal breaker that ONE lie should be. You need to walk, actually you need to run, but sadly you won't, you already so invested and buying into the bs. He will break your heart and you are going to allow it I'm afraid. You need to get off the train before it crashes.

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HeartShineGirl

I've decided that I may be all of the things that everyone says about me and I have come to the conclusion that everything I am going through is very similar to many other such relationships/affairs (whatever we may call it) but I also have come to realize that in this lifetime there are many types of "love" and I suppose what I need to decide is whether or not this is a "Love" worth holding on to. Do I trust him, and believe in him and the love I feel with him or do I listen to the advice of people who may have a much better perspective (been there before)?

This is all for me to work on in my mind/heart/soul.

And, can there be situations where this exact same type of condition is present and it really is "real love" but that circumstances are the same?

I have to ask myself.... are we different? Are there other couples that started out this way and actually lasted? How do we know? How is it possible to make a judgment. I think of Camilla and Princess Diana and Prince Charles... and that love triangle. Did he love both women, or did he just really love Camilla, but stayed married because of circumstances? Diana was so beautiful, wasn't she? After she died, him and Camilla hooked up... finally....it's sad that Diana died, I'm not trying to say I hope anyone dies.... I am just saying... can love really be so patient and endure and really be so real that it can go through anything and still be love?

What really then is love? Is it selfish, is it forceful, do we have any right to tell another individual who they can love or be with or who they should chose? Would love do that? Or, would love say "I love you, no matter who you chose to be with, and even if you don't decide to come to me, I will always love you in my heart and soul for all that you make me feel and give to me." Is there really beautiful romantic love like that, and or do we all just wish there was?

 

I'm maybe all those things people say..... maybe. Then again.... I may be in the process of a life lesson that has yet to iron itself out.... and who knows what I am here to learn. :) All I know is if I can feel this love for as long as I can, I will.

 

:love:

 

But, I am aware of the statistics, and I appreciate the feedback. Thank you.

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fooled once
Heartshine...........so many of the things you've wrote in the above are extremely common things that mm say about their marriages and the image of projecting what a non-selfish self sacrificing guy they are is standard fare. (I heard same and similar from mine)

Also......I wouldn't be so quick to make a lot of judgments about what his wife said to you either. You don't know the real background between them and I would guess that you hung on to the only the things that she said that seem to confirm what he told you and the rest of it was discarded in your head. There are so many red flags here that your eyes should be hurting from the flashes of red.

 

Hon..........if a man lies about such a huge thing as his marital status, the other lies and there will be many, many more will slip off his tongue without any thought at all..........I learned this the hard way. You need to realize the enormity of just how much a deal breaker that ONE lie should be. You need to walk, actually you need to run, but sadly you won't, you already so invested and buying into the bs. He will break your heart and you are going to allow it I'm afraid. You need to get off the train before it crashes.

 

Totally agree

 

OP - you are going to continue to be in the affair and continue to make excuses for his selfish behavior.

 

That's your right and as long as you know that you are willingly allowing him to continue to use you and you have given him the GO AHEAD to lie to you about pretty much anything and you will accept it -- then the other poster was right; you are no longer a victim and you are a willing participant.

 

Good luck. Check back in in a year and let us know if he is still married to that horrible wife of his.

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Well HeartShineGirl your thread title, love sickness was correct.

 

I don't know why you came here unless you were looking for someone to validate you. :confused:

 

You are rationalizing and denying to yourself what a ****z this man is, so good luck with that, because you are gonna need it. It sounds cold and cruel but since you didn't heed the warnings of just how bad and messed up this guy is........I'm not gonna feel sorry for you. He will chew you up and spit you out in little pieces.

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HeartShineGirl, maybe your love is strong enough to survive this and he is really a great guy, but he lied to you about being married. That's a big issue, even if you can understand why he lied.

 

How many excuses are you going to take?

 

How much time are you going to wait for him?

 

If I were you, I'd think about setting a deadline for him to leave this marriage. Then he can get his life in order if he truly is going to leave you.

 

If he doesn't leave you by the date you set, ask yourself why.

 

Think about if you were his shoes and if he told you that you needed to leave your marriage by a certain amount of time? Wouldn't you do that for him because he meant so much to you and you feel so much better when you are with him?

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Silly_Girl

I don't know why you came here unless you were looking for someone to validate you. :confused:

 

Hey BB, that's a bit mean. Maybe the OP needed to collect her thoughts on one place and offload to try and get some perspective. Just because she doesn't do as she's 'told' doesn't mean she hasn't taken on board the advice. She did say she appreciates the feedback :)

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Ravens girl

HeartShineGirl, in addition to the advice written above, I would like to point out 2 things.

 

First, Yes, there are couples that started out in an affair and ended up together, some still happily together and some not. They are the exception to the rule, the rare exception. You are gambling your life and your heart for an exception-to-the-rule when he hasn't even thrown his ante into the pot. In fact, he hasn't even sat down at the poker table yet.

 

Secondly, and more importantly, THIS IS NOT WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE!!!! "All I know is if I can feel this love for as long as I can, I will." I repeat, REAL, TRUE, HEALTHY LOVE DOES NOT FEEL LIKE THIS!

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daisy love

Hi Heartshine!

I know how you feel!! Every single time my love leaves to go home, my heart aches!! I just know that we will see each other soon. It's hard, I know!!

 

Don't let people here get on your case, ok? When you love someone a lot, you forgive them for screwups!! He lied because he didn't want to lose you!! I think that is forgivable, sheesh! There are worse things a man can do.

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Breezy Trousers
I

I'm not perfect. Although, most people think I am when they meet me. They think I'm so sweet, and kind and nice and lovable.

 

Yes, that's precisely why he targeted you. Predators aren't stupid. They don't fall in love with targets, but manipulate their empathy, loyalty, etc. so they can control them. Read "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown. (Of course, I know that you probably won't. Too bad.)

 

I'm truly sorry you're not listening to anyone's experience and advice here, because reality is always the harshest teacher. I hope you survive this, because it does not look pretty from here.

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He lied and told you he didn't smoke. Now that you found out that he smokes, you should dump him. How can you trust this guy?

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HeartShineGirl
Totally agree

 

OP - you are going to continue to be in the affair and continue to make excuses for his selfish behavior.

 

That's your right and as long as you know that you are willingly allowing him to continue to use you and you have given him the GO AHEAD to lie to you about pretty much anything and you will accept it -- then the other poster was right; you are no longer a victim and you are a willing participant.

 

Good luck. Check back in in a year and let us know if he is still married to that horrible wife of his.

 

I will check back and let you know, I promise. I also want to know and I do really appreciate the advice/comments/feedback and warnings. Trust me.

 

I wonder what is going to happen too. I wonder if I am wrong about him, and if you are right. If everyone here is right, and if I am really heading for heartbreak.

 

I guess we will see. I am totally putting myself out there for it aren't I?

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HeartShineGirl
Well HeartShineGirl your thread title, love sickness was correct.

 

I don't know why you came here unless you were looking for someone to validate you. :confused:

 

You are rationalizing and denying to yourself what a ****z this man is, so good luck with that, because you are gonna need it. It sounds cold and cruel but since you didn't heed the warnings of just how bad and messed up this guy is........I'm not gonna feel sorry for you. He will chew you up and spit you out in little pieces.

 

Hi, no it's perfectly okay. I know what you are saying. I just can't however make a decision based solely on warnings. I wasn't really looking for validation. I was really looking to hear the "Truth" and I am in total belief of everything you and everyone here say. I however am curious as to my own destiny. Will it turn out as everyone warns? This is what I wonder. I'm not going to defend him here anymore. I think the situation is pretty obvious (to everyone-including me) and although I have defended him I am very much (as you say) putting myself out there to be chewed up and spit out.

 

Love sickness is right. You are right. I'm not denying that I am in a very precarious position and blinded. I really should heed your advice, I know this. I know this.

 

But there is still that something that tells me... no... wait.... for what it's worth... I just have to know.

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HeartShineGirl
He lied and told you he didn't smoke. Now that you found out that he smokes, you should dump him. How can you trust this guy?

 

 

Good question.

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HeartShineGirl
HeartShineGirl, maybe your love is strong enough to survive this and he is really a great guy, but he lied to you about being married. That's a big issue, even if you can understand why he lied.

 

How many excuses are you going to take?

 

How much time are you going to wait for him?

 

If I were you, I'd think about setting a deadline for him to leave this marriage. Then he can get his life in order if he truly is going to leave you.

 

If he doesn't leave you by the date you set, ask yourself why.

 

Think about if you were his shoes and if he told you that you needed to leave your marriage by a certain amount of time? Wouldn't you do that for him because he meant so much to you and you feel so much better when you are with him?

 

I know RRM, trust me... I know. I really appreciate these comments.. these thoughts, and questions.

 

I think the only reason I don't give deadlines is because I do not know what he is going through and feeling.

 

I honestly don't believe in telling others what to do. I suppose I should however at least say what I would like to have happen, but I have never been one to say "Do this for me to be happy,... or else..." etc.

 

I just am not that way. I'm more or less like this "You came into my life... here you are... now are you planning to stay? Not sure? I'll give you time to think about it.... if in the meantime I fade away, I'm sorry. "

 

I have told him that once I make a decision to move on, that's pretty much it. He knows that about me... in the meantime between that moment and now I'm here.

 

I truly hope this is love though, I know it fits the "mistress" category 100% but a deep part of me is saying otherwise.

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HeartShineGirl
Hey BB, that's a bit mean. Maybe the OP needed to collect her thoughts on one place and offload to try and get some perspective. Just because she doesn't do as she's 'told' doesn't mean she hasn't taken on board the advice. She did say she appreciates the feedback :)

 

 

Thank you.

 

I replied to BB too.

 

:love:

 

I have this song in my head:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6g-Vh4vcD0

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HeartShineGirl
HeartShineGirl, in addition to the advice written above, I would like to point out 2 things.

 

First, Yes, there are couples that started out in an affair and ended up together, some still happily together and some not. They are the exception to the rule, the rare exception. You are gambling your life and your heart for an exception-to-the-rule when he hasn't even thrown his ante into the pot. In fact, he hasn't even sat down at the poker table yet.

 

Secondly, and more importantly, THIS IS NOT WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE!!!! "All I know is if I can feel this love for as long as I can, I will." I repeat, REAL, TRUE, HEALTHY LOVE DOES NOT FEEL LIKE THIS!

 

Hmm...

 

I feel so ..... how do I say this..... *crazy* LOL

 

I think back to my past relationships... I've had a few long terms...

 

My first one was 4 years with a man who emotionally abused me- I knew that was not love and vowed never to go through that again.

 

My second one of 7 years was a "safe" guy who I didn't really love who made me laugh but he was a complete and total idiot (too many things to name that he did). I vowed never to hook up with someone I didn't love and never to date complete idiots again. Safe in that I couldn't be hurt by him like I was hurt by guy #1.

 

My third one of 6 years was me being completely in love with someone who didn't know how to love anything. BAD IDEA- this lead to a complete loss of self esteem/depression. Got out of that. Learned a lot.

 

My fourth one was for 5 years was a long distance relationship (overseas) and I realized no matter how intellectual a love can be without the physical touching it can't last.

 

Finally.... here I am on relationship #5. WOW is all I can say. Intellectually stimulating, emotionally stimulating and he is emotionally avail. and physically a very perfect match (body rhythms seem very in sync) and a complete attraction that is amazing to me. Both of us are "in love" like teenagers with each other. The fact that he is married is the only (and a big big big one) BUMMER.

 

Now, he's asked me to let him get his ducks in order to get this all sorted out and I am sitting here on my hands trying not to scream in his face and say "I'm just a mistress! You'll never leave her! I read it online! You liar!" UGH, and though I have said that to him actually... I have thought it over and over and over again and thought.... damn it... could this be the exception?

 

If feels so real... so so so so real. Like nothing I ever felt in my life, and he says the same over and over and over again to me.

 

TRUST me. I hear you. I really do... I do... and I am totally in agreement that I am totally playing Russian roulette; but this time there are bullets in every spot but one.

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HeartShineGirl
Hi Heartshine!

I know how you feel!! Every single time my love leaves to go home, my heart aches!! I just know that we will see each other soon. It's hard, I know!!

 

Don't let people here get on your case, ok? When you love someone a lot, you forgive them for screwups!! He lied because he didn't want to lose you!! I think that is forgivable, sheesh! There are worse things a man can do.

 

I really try to love beyond what society rules say is morally right. In all ways I have a belief system that is so different from the norm. I know this. I deal with it well, and I do listen to what is "right" and what is "wrong" and when I am hurt, or wrong, I admit it.

 

Where does your love go home to? Are you in a situation like mine?

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