Jump to content

Can this friendship succeed without hurting others?


Recommended Posts

Through an extraordinary set of circumstances, I recently found myself in the company of someone I'd grown up with, and yet with whom I'd never exchanged more than 60 seconds of conversation. Though our families were close friends, our five-year age difference kept us in entirely different spheres growing up.

 

Now, decades later, we wound up on a mutual family vacation, with neither of our spouses or offspring present. Suddenly, a five-year age difference meant nothing.

 

The attraction was instantaneous and immense. Within five minutes we were chatting like old friends, and we didn't stop talking for the rest of the trip. Each of us constantly sought out the other's company, walking together, sitting next to one another at meals, etc. We were well chaperoned nearly the entire time. We did find ourselves alone together one gorgeous, moonlit night, but kept our hands off one another.

 

That was a couple of months ago. We're now back in our separate, very busy lives, hundreds of miles apart. Thanks to the internet, we've managed to keep in touch. We've acknowledged the mutual attraction and we've also acknowledged our intention to each stay in our marriages of long duration.

 

For the first couple of weeks, we were exchanging numerous e-mail messages each day. That's tapered off to a message each day, on average, chatting about activities with our respective families and work, exchanging photos of kids and spouses, sharing photos from our respective activities, etc.

 

I've taken great pains not to let this intrude into my relationship with my wife. We remain just as much friends and lovers as we ever were. In fact, in the last few months, our marriage of 20-plus years has entered a renewed phase of excitement and intimacy.

 

My new friend tells me I've said things to her that have motivated her to work harder on her own marriage which, while not failing, was getting a little stale around the edges.

 

For the most part, this feels really, really good.

 

Upon returning from this vacation, I told my wife that I'd become friends with this person. My wife's response was intensely jealous.

 

My friend and I have agreed that being open with our spouses about our contact with one another does not seem feasible. We've also agreed that it doesn't feel real great to be "sneaking around" as we are, and there's really no other way to describe what we're doing.

 

There is an inherent dishonesty to our secret contact that poses the danger of being corrosive to our marriages should it be discovered. We're both computer professionals, so we're very good at "covering our tracks" as far as our e-mail contact. Our geographic distance assures that we don't face the danger of getting together "innocently" and letting things get out of hand.

 

While acknowledging our discomfort with our secretive contacts, we both clearly get something out of it that is very fulfilling. Romantic attraction aside, I care very deeply for my friend as a person. The long-standing ties between our families lend an extra dimension of warmth. We have agreed to periodically take stock of the situation, and to back off if we feel that our friendship is getting in the way of either of our marriages.

 

So, what do folks here think? Would you take the risks inherent in a relationship such as this? Can a relationship such as this one, with its elements of dishonesty, be nurtured without being destructive to our marriages?

Link to post
Share on other sites

My short answer: No.

 

My longer answer: I am wondering why your wife became jealous when you told her of this friendship. Is she always jealous of your friendships or was this an out-of-character response? If the latter, why?

 

My gut says that you should find another friend. You are playing with fire here and I have no doubt that you will sooner or later find yourself in a position to act on your mutual attraction with your new friend if you continue your contact. Your good intentions to periodically take stock of the situation will at best be sorely tested and at worst wil capsize.

 

Any relationship you can't be open about is one to question, imo.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you took away your feelings of attraction for this woman (and hers for you), what would form the basis of your friendship? Would what remains be something you can only find with this woman? Or is the attraction part of the driving force?

Link to post
Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE
Originally posted by IMSirius

 

So, what do folks here think? Would you take the risks inherent in a relationship such as this? Can a relationship such as this one, with its elements of dishonesty, be nurtured without being destructive to our marriages?

 

 

No, I would not take the risk.It will be destructive if you keep it in secrecy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Originally posted by Hmmmm

My short answer: No.

 

My longer answer: I am wondering why your wife became jealous when you told her of this friendship. Is she always jealous of your friendships or was this an out-of-character response? If the latter, why?

 

The degree of jealousy seems to vary with the attractiveness of the female. I don't frequently form opposite-sex friendships, but I have on occasion. My wife's guard always goes up -- but declines markedly if she decides the woman isn't a sexual competitor. My friend is stunningly attractive -- so much so that men's heads were snapping around wherever we went.

 

If you took away your feelings of attraction for this woman (and hers for you), what would form the basis of your friendship? Would what remains be something you can only find with this woman? Or is the attraction part of the driving force?

 

I think part of the basis for our friendship is our common backgrounds. Even though we didn't hang out together growing up, we have a lot of common memories. Beyond that, she's a fascinating person. She's survived devastating adversity. She's a talented artist. She's tough as nails, strong as an ox, has nerves like a brass monkey. I think our personalities complement one another in interesting ways. We quickly established this easy, comfortable communication. I've reflected on this point a fair bit. The kinds of communication and rapport we've experienced are very much the same as those I experience with close male friends.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

You are rational and are a thinking person. You are also in danger of destroying your marriage. You're wife is jealous for a reason. Why do you think that is?

 

Who do you love?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...