Mind over Heart

[veryconfuzed]

Looking for some advice on how to end a relationship I'm in that I realize is not good for me. I know it should be simple - just end it - but so far I haven't been able to do it.

 

I was divorced last year, and reconnected with an old friend I have known for abt 23 years. He was divorced 3 yrs ago. But, after 2 months of talking on the phone (10+ hours), and when I was about to visit him, he finally told me he was living with someone (a girlfriend). I was upset that he had kept that from me, and canceled my trip to see him.

 

After a month of confusion, hard feelings, and apologies, we called a truce. Against my better judgment, we met up at the end of the year and spent a day together. There was instant chemistry, and sparks flew. Things got emotional, and we decided we wanted to spend more time together and explore the possibility of a relationship. But, the issue of his gf remained unaddressed.

 

Over the next three months we grew closer via long phone calls and emails (we live far away). But, while he insists he is unhappy with his gf, she was still there. He tried to placate me by telling me they had been spending more time apart ("trial separations" on the weekends). She knows nothing about me, of course. All communication has been clandestine. Despite growing frustration with the situation I found myself in, I went to see him again three weeks ago, and our emotional affair became a full-blown sexual affair. When I returned home, he wanted to make plans to come see me, but the reality of the situation sank in and I told him how unhappy I was in the OW role. I nearly ended things.

 

However, recently, in a moment of weakness, I told him that I'm not ready to end things yet. He is happy and excited, of course, and says he thinks there is still a chance to make something positive (a long-term relationship) come out of this.

 

He is not married, but I see this as virtually the same as a MM/OW situation. Obviously, anyone who gets involved in a second relationship is not perfectly happy in their primary relationship. Yet, he seems paralyzed to make a decision. If this goes on any longer, one of us is going to leave and he is going to lose the ability to choose who he wants to be with.

 

I have feelings for him, obviously, but I realize that this has been hard on me and I deserve better. My loneliness after ending a 20-yr relationship is certainly a factor, too (rebound). Nearly 4 months have passed since we talked about exploring a relationship together, and I never imagined that he would still be with his gf at this point. Yet, he does not want to let go of me either.

 

My mind knows I should get out of this situation, but my heart seems to keep dragging me back into it. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

[BB07]

That is NO easy or painless way out. You just have to look at it as a very high risk situation and see the reality of how high the probability for a lot of pain and heartache is for yourself. It will get worse the longer you let it go on.

 

Also you obviously are in a vulnerable place and it's very easy for someone to take advantage of you while you are feeling that way, so you need to keep your guard up more so than normally. If you really want a relationship with him the sooner you bow out of a messy situation, the better the odds will be that you will have it. Just tell him.....you won't be the 3rd wheel as you are worth more than that and you are going to take care of your own heart.

 

You already know what you need to do so you just have to buckle up and do it. I know it's not easy and folks here at LS will support you and there are others on the same journey who are riding the same ride. It's rough but you will survive it.

[Rose1977]

Oh VC, if it were that simple, LS wouldn't exist . I think the only thing for you to do at this point is to cut off contact or at least do LC with NO discussion of intimacy or future plans until he leaves his GF. If he truly loves and wants you, he will do it. If not, he won't. But at least you will know before you invest more of your time and heart into this. Is it possible for the two of you to be together or would it involve relocation? Are there kids involved? All of this can complicate things further, but I think if the two of you truly want to be together, there's not many hurdles impossible to clear- except the GF. Right now, he is having his cake and eating it too. Only you can change that to give him the clarity he needs to make a decision one way or the other. But like you said, it is easier said than done.

[Jane Deaux]

I certainly agree with Rose. Only you can change the situation. As long as you "let" him stay with his gf and not make that big decision, he will put it off. It doesn't matter WHY he isn't ending it with her. Whether he finds it difficult to break the news to her because he doesn't want to hurt her, or he still has feelings for her, or he is using her in some way to meet some needs at his home and in his life. What matters is, he hasn't ended it. And you are letting him have you too. You need to force him to make a decision. You may be thinking that if you try to force something now, he will stay with her because your bond is still so new. But it sounds like you can't go on any longer like this. So you need to tell him to choose. You or her. And he needs to give you proof. He can't just SAY he told her and she is moving, ect. If you don't force his hand, he will stay in limbo a lot longer than is healthy. For either of you or a future relationship with each other. It can be very damaging to future trust and any relationship that can come out of this.

Stand up for yourself so he will HAVE to choose. Tell him you want him to pick you, but he HAS to pick. He can't have both.

[whichwayisup]

I was divorced last year, and reconnected with an old friend I have known for abt 23 years. He was divorced 3 yrs ago. But, after 2 months of talking on the phone (10+ hours), and when I was about to visit him, he finally told me he was living with someone (a girlfriend). I was upset that he had kept that from me, and canceled my trip to see him.

 

You mean you knew the guy 23 years ago and recently reconnected. You haven't known him for 23 years, been in his everyday life, been a friend to him throughout those years. He is someone you 'used' to know many years ago.

 

Anyway, with that said, the bolded part, that should have been enough to make you walk away. He wasn't upfront with you and then at the last minute, told you he was with someone and living with her.

 

However, recently, in a moment of weakness, I told him that I'm not ready to end things yet. He is happy and excited, of course, and says he thinks there is still a chance to make something positive (a long-term relationship) come out of this.

 

Yeah he's excited to have you on the side for however long it lasts. Since you aren't happy to be the OW, DON'T BE! How can he make future plans with you, give you hope and false promises when he still is living with his girlfriend? He's full of crap. Even if his words seem sincere when he says stuff like that, his actions certainly do not match this!

 

I hope you do find the strength to end it. He was never yours to begin with..

[alexandria35]

I can't wrap my head around why you even want to be with this guy. He lies to his gf, you know he lies to you, as evidenced by his withholding information from you. What is so hard about ending things with his gf? Actually now that I think about it, are you sure she is his gf and not his wife? Could there be children that he also failed to mention? If he's not married and there are no kids then I really don't see why he is having such a problem with leaving her. Most importantly, even if he does leave her now, why do want him?

[alexandria35]

I certainly agree with Rose. Only you can change the situation. As long as you "let" him stay with his gf and not make that big decision, he will put it off. It doesn't matter WHY he isn't ending it with her. Whether he finds it difficult to break the news to her because he doesn't want to hurt her, or he still has feelings for her, or he is using her in some way to meet some needs at his home and in his life. What matters is, he hasn't ended it. And you are letting him have you too. You need to force him to make a decision. You may be thinking that if you try to force something now, he will stay with her because your bond is still so new. But it sounds like you can't go on any longer like this. So you need to tell him to choose. You or her. And he needs to give you proof. He can't just SAY he told her and she is moving, ect. If you don't force his hand, he will stay in limbo a lot longer than is healthy. For either of you or a future relationship with each other. It can be very damaging to future trust and any relationship that can come out of this.

Stand up for yourself so he will HAVE to choose. Tell him you want him to pick you, but he HAS to pick. He can't have both.

 

Oh and I agree with the above bolded too! Don't give him the chance to feed you some crap about how they have broken up but they still need to live together for months while she finds a new job, place to live, etc...That is Bull. He can call you when that relationship is completely done and he or she has moved.

[GabbyGirl]

You deserve better...tell yourself that. Yes I know its hard to to end the relationship and I and slowly working up the courage to end my A. I agree with alexandria35...how do you know he is not married or has children? Trust me you will only become more miserable the longer you stay the OW.

[daisy love]

Confused,

My man and I do not live in the same city. He is still married, but working on leaving. At this time, he can't leave the city he lives in, I can't leave the city I live in. In the meanwhile, we both make it work. We enjoy each other the best we can. We LOVE talking about what we are gonna do to each other when he comes to visit!

 

If you love him, enjoy the love you have. The rest will take care of itself!!

 

BIG HUGS!!!

[fooled once]

Looking for some advice on how to end a relationship I'm in that I realize is not good for me. I know it should be simple - just end it - but so far I haven't been able to do it.

 

I was divorced last year, and reconnected with an old friend I have known for abt 23 years. He was divorced 3 yrs ago. But, after 2 months of talking on the phone (10+ hours), and when I was about to visit him, he finally told me he was living with someone (a girlfriend). I was upset that he had kept that from me, and canceled my trip to see him.

 

After a month of confusion, hard feelings, and apologies, we called a truce. Against my better judgment, we met up at the end of the year and spent a day together. There was instant chemistry, and sparks flew. Things got emotional, and we decided we wanted to spend more time together and explore the possibility of a relationship. But, the issue of his gf remained unaddressed.

 

Over the next three months we grew closer via long phone calls and emails (we live far away). But, while he insists he is unhappy with his gf, she was still there. He tried to placate me by telling me they had been spending more time apart ("trial separations" on the weekends). She knows nothing about me, of course. All communication has been clandestine. Despite growing frustration with the situation I found myself in, I went to see him again three weeks ago, and our emotional affair became a full-blown sexual affair. When I returned home, he wanted to make plans to come see me, but the reality of the situation sank in and I told him how unhappy I was in the OW role. I nearly ended things.

 

However, recently, in a moment of weakness, I told him that I'm not ready to end things yet. He is happy and excited, of course, and says he thinks there is still a chance to make something positive (a long-term relationship) come out of this.

 

He is not married, but I see this as virtually the same as a MM/OW situation. Obviously, anyone who gets involved in a second relationship is not perfectly happy in their primary relationship. Yet, he seems paralyzed to make a decision. If this goes on any longer, one of us is going to leave and he is going to lose the ability to choose who he wants to be with.

 

I have feelings for him, obviously, but I realize that this has been hard on me and I deserve better. My loneliness after ending a 20-yr relationship is certainly a factor, too (rebound). Nearly 4 months have passed since we talked about exploring a relationship together, and I never imagined that he would still be with his gf at this point. Yet, he does not want to let go of me either.

 

My mind knows I should get out of this situation, but my heart seems to keep dragging me back into it. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Tell him you respect yourself too much to be his hidden lover. Tell him after he has ended his relationship and spent time in therapy to work on his ability to lie, deceive and betray, to call you (say 6-9 months after he physically separates from this g/f) and see if you are available.

 

You say you do not want to be the mistress/OW...yet you do not end things. How are you going to feel when he and her go on vacation together? How will you feel if his g/f ends up pregnant?

 

He may tell you he is not in love with her, but his actions say differently.

 

Tell him to show you; not tell you.

[veryconfuzed]

Wow, thanks everyone. Lots of important points there, and thanks so much for all your support.

 

I think the bottom line for me is that this has all been far too hard on my self esteem, and if I don't end things I won't be honoring myself. Up until this point in my life, I have had a great track record of valuing myself and treating myself with respect. All I can say about this transgression is that I think my judgment has been a bit compromised with my recent divorce (I have been fearful and lonely). But, your comments are all giving me strength to do what I need to do to honor myself - end it.

[veryconfuzed]

Well, I did it. I told him that this was all too hard for me to cope with, and that we need to take a break until the day when he's free/clear of his relationship. If/when that ever happens, and if I'm not seeing someone else at that point, we can give it a try (just the two of us!).

 

Meanwhile, there are other fish in the sea

 

Thanks to all of you for your advice and support...

[GabbyGirl]

Good for you for standing up for yourself and respecting yourself. You deserve better and a man that is only devoted to you. Stay strong and you made the right decision.

[veryconfuzed]

Well, here we are a little over a month later. The first couple of weeks were peaceful, with no contact from him. Then, an upset email reply to me. I sat on that for a while, then tried explaining (again) why we couldn't be involved anymore. Then, another week of peace.

 

But then he wrote to tell me how he missed me. I felt the same way, of course, but was resolved not to tell him that for fear of starting things up again. That lasted just a week, and I slipped (not proud of this). I was feeling really good one evening (and sentimental) and wrote him a message with one last sentence that I have missed him. The next morning, I woke up and immediately realized what a mistake that was. My message sparked an enthusiastic reaction from him, of course, and here I sit realizing I have encouraged him and I'm going to have to go through ending things again (prolonging the misery).

 

The good news... we are 1500 miles away from each other which has prevented us from getting together in person. And, I realize that missing each other is normal under these circumstances but doesn't change the most critical facts. I have never been in this kind of situation before, but I suspect that this kind of backsliding is typical. I will do my best not to slip again. I don't want to go no-contact, but if that's what it takes then so be it.

[waytogo]

Well, here we are a little over a month later. The first couple of weeks were peaceful, with no contact from him. Then, an upset email reply to me. I sat on that for a while, then tried explaining (again) why we couldn't be involved anymore. Then, another week of peace.

 

But then he wrote to tell me how he missed me. I felt the same way, of course, but was resolved not to tell him that for fear of starting things up again. That lasted just a week, and I slipped (not proud of this). I was feeling really good one evening (and sentimental) and wrote him a message with one last sentence that I have missed him. The next morning, I woke up and immediately realized what a mistake that was. My message sparked an enthusiastic reaction from him, of course, and here I sit realizing I have encouraged him and I'm going to have to go through ending things again (prolonging the misery).

 

The good news... we are 1500 miles away from each other which has prevented us from getting together in person. And, I realize that missing each other is normal under these circumstances but doesn't change the most critical facts. I have never been in this kind of situation before, but I suspect that this kind of backsliding is typical. I will do my best not to slip again. I don't want to go no-contact, but if that's what it takes then so be it.

 

I encourage the NC. If you keep communicating with him, it keeps you where you are, very confused.

 

I've lived with an unmarried partner before. It's not hard to get out of the situation. "This is the day I won't be there so go get your crap, have a good day :)"

 

There is no reason it should have taken him this time to end such an 'unhappy' R that doesn't require legal proceedings.

 

Take good care of you.

[veryconfuzed]

I encourage the NC. If you keep communicating with him, it keeps you where you are, very confused.

 

I've lived with an unmarried partner before. It's not hard to get out of the situation. "This is the day I won't be there so go get your crap, have a good day :)"

 

There is no reason it should have taken him this time to end such an 'unhappy' R that doesn't require legal proceedings.

 

Take good care of you.

 

Thank you waytogo - all very good points. I have not replied to his message, and will leave it alone. He says a lot of wonderful things to me, but when it comes down to it his actions don't match his words (I have pointed this out to him). And actions are what count, especially in this kind of situation. In reality, the actions of my friends and family have demonstrated love much more than the actions of this man. I deserve better.

[waytogo]

Thank you waytogo - all very good points. I have not replied to his message, and will leave it alone. He says a lot of wonderful things to me, but when it comes down to it his actions don't match his words (I have pointed this out to him). And actions are what count, especially in this kind of situation. In reality, the actions of my friends and family have demonstrated love much more than the actions of this man. I deserve better.

 

You absolutely do. I do understand after the D draining you, etc. I do.

 

When I was OW it was after some devistating losses. I was so vulnerable. Be so happy you aren't putting more time and energy into this.

 

To be honest, my A became so BORING! We did have some fun times and did take a few nice trips. It was the day to day that became unbearable. No real common goals. He wasn't going to change things and I was tired of being the hostess. Making efforts so he wouldn't want to leave. He said many times he didn't want to leave but guess what he did most nights.

 

You are so right, ACTIONS BABY!