Pisces Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 I really, really need some advice here. This is the worst situation I have ever been in, and the worst thing I have ever done. Please, don't be too judgmental, I already know this is very wrong and I don't recognize myself! I am in love with one of my best friends' boyfriend. And she is expecting a baby. Does it get any worse? I have known her for about a year and him for the last six months. It started three months ago when we were very drunk and were kissing. We had chemistry from the beginning and have lots of things in common, but I have never before been attracted to any of my friends' boyfriends, so I was very unprepared and probably wasn't protecting myself at all. It took us a month before it happened again, and after that we started talking and admitted we were very attracted to each other, but that this couldn't continue. We had this plan that maybe, if we just let this happen once, it would pass - to let go of the tension. Of course, it only made things worse, and we've been meeting about once a week the last two months. After she found out she was pregnant we ended all contact for a while, but were missing each other desperately, and when we met after a week (we have been planning a party for her together, so we had to meet up) we ended up together again. We have been taking so many chances and it is really a miracle that she hasn't found out... He has recently told me he is in love with me, and that I am perfect for him, but I know he can't picture himself leaving her, because she is pregnant and I do think he loves her. He is not the playing type, and has never done anything like this before. Now, we are trying to stay out of touch again, and I really hope it works this time. This is the strongest I have ever felt about someone and I so much wish things were different - he could be the one for me and I am sure I could be for him. I guess my question is - is it possible to love someone, expect a baby and probably marry her, and at the same time be in love with someone else (her best friend)? I know I can survive this, but I am worried about the two of them. Do you think it is possible for them to fix this? Do you think he is a player, afraid of commitment etc, or could there be something about him and me? I mean, if he just want the adventure, I am the worst one to pick... Very confused at the moment and very grateful for any advice on what to think. I know what I need to do - try my best to stay away - but I need some more insight in what he might be thinking and feeling. Thank you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Originally posted by Pisces need some more insight in what he might be thinking and feeling. why? Where do you stand in all of this -- that's all that matters. You recognize that messing around with your "best friend's" boyfriend is wrong. So what more do you need to reach the conclusion that you and he have to stop, completely and permanently -- or until he breaks up with her. His thoughts and feelings are irrelevant to your decision. You're either this poor girl's friend or you're not. It kind of sounds to me like you're not -- I can't imagine ever doing this to a friend of mine, no matter what. And I would not consider anyone who would do that to me to be a friend. I think what you're really looking for is insight into the likelihood that he will leave her for you. I don't know about that. If that's what you really want, fine, but step into it fully. Don't pretend to be a friend to her; disconnect from her (no more socializing, etc.), let this guy know where you stand, and live with the consequences. You may well find yourself out in the cold, with neither friend nor lover. And that would be a fair and reasonable outcome. It could go the other way too -- he might leave her for you. But if you stick around while flying under the false colors of "friend," I can pretty much guarantee that things will go very badly all around. Unless you are 100% prepared to resist all temptation and to put your friend's interests ahead of your own regarding any and all interactions with her boyfriend, you should not pretend to be her friend. If you are that certain that you want to keep her friendship and can resist her boyfriend, then his feelings will not matter. You need to have your own resolve. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Do not delude yourself into thinking you are any kind of "friend." And it doesn't matter whether or not anyone considers this guy a "player" or not. He is no "friend" of her's either. I feel sorry for this girl, whoever she is, to be surrounded by people who do nothing but lie and deceive her. I hope for her sake and the child's, you both can find the slightest bit of decency left within yourselves and remove yourselves from her life. If you have any conscious at all, you'll at least do her that favor. She deserves much better. As for the two of you; karma is a b*tch. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 no, we will be judgemental because you are A SELFISH human being. you make me want to run away from people like you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 A person can have the feeling of being in love with a lot of people...all at once. You just don't need to act on it everytime you fall in love with somebody. You act on it in appropriate situations, like when you're seeing someone legitimately over a period of time. You can fall in love lots of times over the years. One day you will fall and you will be ready to commit. However, when you fall in love with your pregnant best friends guy, you stop, back off and retreat big time. Why would you want some jerk who would allow himself to fall for his lady's best friend, especially at a time like this? And if he's a decent guy, do you think he'd want a lady who is willing to screw over her best girlfriend...while she's pregant? I think not. He's a super jerk and he could do it to you too. There are some guys who can honestly and truly fall in love with anybody in a skirt they get to know over time. They are just suckers for love...it's a great feeling. This doesn't smell good in any direction. I hope you will consider the honorable thing to do and back off...move on and forget this dude. There are way way too many available single guys out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cenilla Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Originally posted by Pisces He is not the playing type, and has never done anything like this before. So, what is he? never done this before? how many people you know have done this before? isnt he the only one you know? or one of a few??? Yes, Yes, you are "perfect" for him. Six vs a half dozen, perfect match! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pisces Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 Hi everybody, thanks for a few useful things, and lots of things I really didn't need. I know and feel these things about myself already. Let me just say two things - we are stopping this now. I've been living in madness for these last weeks but I am starting to "wake up to reality" now. And I read this quote somewhere: Standing on the outside, looking in, it is impossible to understand. Standing on the inside, looking out, it is impossible to explain. At least my future relationships will be a walk in the park compared to this.... C Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 Pisces, I won't judge you as a person in whole based on this one experience, but I am going to judge a part of you based on your behavior. There is a part of you that has been acting very selfish. Now, done with that. Judgment finished. We all make mistakes, and you've at least tried to be honorable by confronting this issue...which many people do not. This is the part that sucks. Unfortunately, I don't see how you can continue to be friends with either your best friend or her man. I just don't see it. There's a history there, and you'll never be able to escape that, and my guess is that sooner or later something's going to trigger this wave of emotion again. If you feel so strongly for him, how are you going to control it? How is he going to control it? All I can do when I read this is think about what would happen if I were in this situation with my best friend, and I can't see this resulting in anything good - whether it's me doing it to him, or him doing it to me. I know both of us well enough to know that neither of us would take sh-t from the other. I also know that I'd never be able to look at my friend ever again with a straight face, and how you've been able to do it up to this point simply amazes the hell out of me. I don't know what your next move should be. If it were me, I'd probably eventually fade away into oblivion and leave them alone - both of them. I'd probably find a way to get "busy" or something. I don't want to be in your shoes if she ever finds out about this - it will be extremely ugly. One for the road...you can't ever expect people not to be judgmental, my friend. The fact is that humans are judgmental creatures. It's the very thing that makes us humans in the first place. In closing, I think you're doing the right thing now. Keep doing it, and obviously do whatever you can to avoid this situation again. Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 Would you really want a guy that is going to have a baby to your best friend? Even if you guys do end up getting together the girl is always going to be in the picture. How awkward is that going to be for everybody. Even though I had nothing to do with my ex's girlfriend he ended up leaving me in a couple of weeks to go back to her the mother of his child because he relised it was the right thing to do even though he still had supposed feelings for me which I don't believe at all when I think about it now. I was probably just somewhere he go to when he needed to escape from things. You don't want this guy to do the same thing to you when his baby comes along. You will end up getting hurt like I did. As you guys can tell I really regret being in that relationship. I remember how one of my close friends felt when her ex was flirting with me on new years day. Even though they were not together anymore she still had feelings for him. She could see we were both attracted to eachother and it drove her crazy. I almost said yes to him because I know how it feels to be rejected by somebody you like but in the end I said no because I didn't want to lose my friendship with my friend. I am so glad we are still friends but. If this guy is doing this too his girlfriend he will probably eventually do the same thing to you later on down the track. Even if he does say he loves you and has never done this before. I don't mean to sound negative but that is just what I think about your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Quintius Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 ANYWAY THIS IS A NEW USER AND I'M ALSO IN YOUR POSITION I 2 HAVE A GIRLFRIEND THAT HAS A FRIEND AND I REALLY HAVE STRONG FEELING FOR HER FRIEND, AND HER FRIEND HAS A BOYFRIEND WHO SHE IS SERIOUSLY IN LOVE WITH, THEY HAVE BEEN COMMITTED ABOUT 4YRS., BUT THATS NOT IT I MET HER FRIEND AT ANOTHER ONE OF MY EX GIRL FRIENDS HOUSE, AND SHE DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I MESS WITH HER BECAUSE IT IS HER FRIEND TOO, AND THAT'S NOT ALL I MESS WITH THAT GIRL (THE ONE HOUSE THAT WE WAS OVER (YOU KNOW MY EX)) FROM TI'ME TO TI'ME TOO! AND I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE FROM YOU BECAUSE I FEEL THAT ONLY YOU CAN UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION, AND I FORGOT TO SAY THAT MY EX HAS A BOYFRIEND WHO I KNOW, AND I DON'T REALLY GET ALONG WITH BUT HE MESSES OFF ON HER WITH A FEW GIRLS SO REPLY BACK SO YOU CAN COACH ME THROUGH THIS LOVE HEXAGON. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 Quintius, I don't mean to be rude, but typing in all caps makes the message difficult for others to read. Link to post Share on other sites
lipglossboost Posted November 7, 2003 Share Posted November 7, 2003 Originally posted by Pisces He is not the playing type, and has never done anything like this before. He's not the playing type, huh? Funny, your story doesn't back that up. You've know him for 6 months, right? And he's been cheating on his pregnant girlfriend, for what, half of that time?!? So, half of the time you've known him, he's been a cheater and a liar. Hmm, sounds like a great guy. Have you stopped to think, (yes, you say you know it's wrong,) but I mean really think about what this will do to your pregnant friend, and the family they are expecting?!? I don't think you have. Have you stopped to think of how much you will miss this friend when she finds out? Or how much he will owe in child support after this baby is born? Or that, if you two are in love as you say and one day marry, you will NEVER be able to put this behind you, as he will have a child with the friend you betrayed? Really think about these things ... and then get out. It will hurt, of course, but it will pass, and in time you will see that it was for the best. You deserve a better future than the one I just described. Good luck and be safe, ~Lexi Link to post Share on other sites
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