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First time 'our' plans had to be cancelled..


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Hi everyone

 

I posted a few weeks ago for the first time, outlining my relationship with MM. I quite confidently stated that he had never put restrictions on me regarding contact, txt, phone calls etc and that I saw him everyday/evening.

 

Last night I experienced for the first time, a sudden change of plans, where he had to cancel our evening together. Something happened that he could not get out of and had to stay at home. I had made dinner for us and was looking forward to our evening together.

 

I can't believe how let down I felt and the fact that he was at home with his BS.

 

So this is what being an OW really feels like:(

 

Arran

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Yes Arrangrl,

 

That is one example of the way I felt being the Ow.

 

What was the worse feeling ever to me though, the MM and I went out and he saw someone he knew. He never introduced me and he looked like a deer that was caught in the headlights.

 

I quickly thought to myself, "I deserve better than this, and what's more, I can certainly, do better than this".

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Hi everyone

 

I posted a few weeks ago for the first time, outlining my relationship with MM. I quite confidently stated that he had never put restrictions on me regarding contact, txt, phone calls etc and that I saw him everyday/evening.

 

Last night I experienced for the first time, a sudden change of plans, where he had to cancel our evening together. Something happened that he could not get out of and had to stay at home. I had made dinner for us and was looking forward to our evening together.

 

I can't believe how let down I felt and the fact that he was at home with his BS.

 

So this is what being an OW really feels like:(

 

Arran

 

Arran, why weren't your previous experiences what being an OW really feels like, too? This one incident overshadows everything? Have you never been let down by a friend, or boyfriend, made plans and invested time, yet been disappointed?

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Friends and boyfriends typically don't operate in secrecy. When one is disappointed in a friend or BF, they usually have someone IRL to lean on. Most OW don't.

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YellowShark

Welcome to being "an option" instead of a "priority" Arrangrl. His wife - (who you refer to as the BS) - and his family are his priority, you are simply an option. I don't mean to be cruel, I am not being judgemental, I am only laying the facts down on the table for you.

 

When push comes to shove he will side with his priorities and dump his options. Try not to be surprised by this.

 

Best of luck.

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OP, you can go with an attitude of "Poor me," or with one of "I'll fookin' kill 'im!" One makes you a victim. The other makes you a person who recognizes she deserves better than what she's getting.

 

Which will you choose to be?

 

Good luck with all this! :)

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OP, you can go with an attitude of "Poor me," or with one of "I'll fookin' kill 'im!" One makes you a victim. The other makes you a person who recognizes she deserves better than what she's getting.

 

Which will you choose to be?

 

Good luck with all this! :)

 

That's interesting. Maybeso-meone needs a hobby or something so she's not wasting her life pressing her nose against the glass.

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Friends and boyfriends typically don't operate in secrecy. When one is disappointed in a friend or BF, they usually have someone IRL to lean on. Most OW don't.

 

Could you please post links to the research study that produced those findings? AFAIK, there hasn't been any reputable, valid, reliable study on this to establish whether or not this is the case, so I'd be interested to such a study.

 

Certainly my own experience was nothing like that, but I'm not arrogant enough to assume that my experience is universal to everyone else. For those who are unlucky enough to suffer disappointments in their R, and who don't have someone IRL they can confide in, this forum has an important role to play - hence my previous thread on posting with empathy :)

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Summer Breeze
Hi everyone

 

I posted a few weeks ago for the first time, outlining my relationship with MM. I quite confidently stated that he had never put restrictions on me regarding contact, txt, phone calls etc and that I saw him everyday/evening.

 

Last night I experienced for the first time, a sudden change of plans, where he had to cancel our evening together. Something happened that he could not get out of and had to stay at home. I had made dinner for us and was looking forward to our evening together.

 

I can't believe how let down I felt and the fact that he was at home with his BS.

 

So this is what being an OW really feels like:(

 

Arran

 

I guess I'm with SG on this one. I had someone I was involved in who was in business and that was his priority. He used to treat me worse than xMM ever would have. If it's hurt you this much you need to get out now before you're in too deep. I fell madly in love with my xMM and I loved being with him. At the end of the day when I wasn't happyI left and you need to do the same. Don't wait too long and make sure you do it on your terms not his. Don't let him talk you into staying if everything inside is saying get out. I can honestly say I never had a moment like you're talking about. We had times we couldn't see each other but doesn't every couple have that. I also never stopped dating and I think that helped me a lot. I never let him be the only thing I concentrated on. He actually used to plan more around me than I did on hm. Just constantly take your temperature on this and don't let yourself get too far in. Of course I say that about any R if you want to know the truth.

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Could you please post links to the research study that produced those findings? AFAIK, there hasn't been any reputable, valid, reliable study on this to establish whether or not this is the case, so I'd be interested to such a study.

 

Certainly my own experience was nothing like that, but I'm not arrogant enough to assume that my experience is universal to everyone else. For those who are unlucky enough to suffer disappointments in their R, and who don't have someone IRL they can confide in, this forum has an important role to play - hence my previous thread on posting with empathy :)

Isn't the presence of this board and others evidence enough? This very thread is evidence.
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26pointblue
Isn't the presence of this board and others evidence enough? This very thread is evidence.

 

I am an OW & I have people IRL that I can confide in & do confide in about MM & me. Mainly my sister & a few close friends; also some other not-as-close friends know about him & have met him etc.

 

I think people come to LS because here we can analyze & dissect the issues more than with our friends IRL, who obviously get tired of hearing about the same thing over & over [as with any topic]. Also LS provides me with a more objective perspective, because most of my IRL friends want to be supportive & are too worried about being nice to me to give me a slap over the head. Or even if they do give me a slap on the head, maybe I need to come here to get more slaps or different perspectives from people who don't know me.

 

I would disagree that most OWs don't have anyone IRL to confide in about their relationships. I think most tell at least someone & have someone else to talk to.

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26pointblue

Sorry OP to thread-jack. About your original post I think there are definitely always reminders that you are an OW & he is married. It is just going to naturally be that way & he can't always put you first. You have to decide if you can accept that & if the benefits are outweighing the drawbacks. If you can, concentrate on the positives & your end goal [i'm not sure if your MM has said he is leaving or not - perhaps your end goal is just temporary pleasure . . . which obviously doesn't work if the pain outweighs the pleasure you are getting from the relationship]. And if not, then just get out before you get too hurt. Better sooner than later if this is bothering you & you don't see it getting any better with repeat situations . . . because there will be repeat situations & you need to be aware of that & not fooling yourself. Good luck.

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whichwayisup

You know this guy is married and as time goes on, there will be times when he's going to cancel or can't see you when you want him to. If you want to be the OW, then this is something you have to put up with and accept. He has a wife and a family, they come first. Sorry I don't mean to hurt your feelings but this goes with the territory and dynamics of an affair.

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Friends and boyfriends typically don't operate in secrecy. When one is disappointed in a friend or BF, they usually have someone IRL to lean on. Most OW don't.

 

Wasn't sure if this was a reply to me, or to Arran.

 

If you felt isolated or ostracised during your time as an OW jthorne, that's sad for you, most posters - in my experience - are able to talk to others, that's if they choose to. Some folk wouldn't chat about that stuff in any case, whether their man was single, married, or the Archbishop of Canterbury :)

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I guess I'm with SG on this one. I had someone I was involved in who was in business and that was his priority. He used to treat me worse than xMM ever would have. If it's hurt you this much you need to get out now before you're in too deep. I fell madly in love with my xMM and I loved being with him. At the end of the day when I wasn't happyI left and you need to do the same. Don't wait too long and make sure you do it on your terms not his. Don't let him talk you into staying if everything inside is saying get out. I can honestly say I never had a moment like you're talking about. We had times we couldn't see each other but doesn't every couple have that. I also never stopped dating and I think that helped me a lot. I never let him be the only thing I concentrated on. He actually used to plan more around me than I did on hm. Just constantly take your temperature on this and don't let yourself get too far in. Of course I say that about any R if you want to know the truth.

 

This is such a great post!!! Copy it somewhere SB, you'll doubtless need it again on the board at some point! ;)

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I can't believe how let down I felt and the fact that he was at home with his BS.

 

 

Yes of course in any relationship plans sometimes have to change at the last minute and people can feel let down.

 

But on this occasion it is not work / sick parent / sick child / looking after neighbours cat / consoling bereaved friend / or any other normal reason why arrangements might have to change. Reasons for which a loving partner would accept the last minute let down and move past it.

 

It is not possible to move past the first time an MP lets you down because they have prioritized their marriage over you.

 

This is because it flies in the face of everything they have told you so far which is that they don;t like / love / sleep with / converse with / feel any loyalty towards / care about the BS (delete as applicable). Be careful if you have interpreted this as meaning "I do not want to be married anymore".

 

It's been all about you two, so far.

 

Now you have to face the reality of the situation, particularly if you are hoping the MM will leave his marriage.

 

If he is trying to avoid the breakup of his marriage then that will be his priority and your affair will be his option.

 

Make sure you are fully on board with understanding this dynamic before you go any further.

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Isn't the presence of this board and others evidence enough? This very thread is evidence.

 

Oh my word. There's a board for RELIGION jt, does that mean all those posters are religious and unable to talk about it to anyone in real life???! :eek:

 

Get real. You're getting desperate in your point-scoring war against posters here. You were an OW, you made your choices, you got over it. No need to act superior any more. Why not offer constructive ADVICE based on your OW and life experiences?

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bentnotbroken

Hey JT, who gets to decide if your advice is constructive? Can I? :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:Can I?:bunny::bunny::bunny:

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Hey JT, who gets to decide if your advice is constructive? Can I? :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:Can I?:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

Yep. Long as you can identify a jibe, you're good to go.

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fooled once

come on -- we see on here all the time where a new poster admits they have NO ONE in real life to talk to about being in an affair.

 

If needed - I can go grab a bunch of threads to support this.

 

No one said EVERY OW has no one to talk to; there are not statistics :rolleyes: or studies and if there were, we know someone would have a problem with it.

 

TO STAY ON TOPIC (which seems to be a problem lately).....

 

OP, you will find people here to confide in; many are in affairs and understand what you are going through. You will also find many of who have been through the affair roller coaster and will tell you how they dealt with being the option and not the priority.

 

The guy you are having an affair with is married. His family will take priority over you. He will spend vacations with them, holidays with them and all that.

 

You have to decide if you are okay with that. You have to decide if you can handle that. Just because one or two were able to do that doesn't mean you will. You may decide that you want more; you demand more and you won't settle for less.

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thissecretgirl
Arran, why weren't your previous experiences what being an OW really feels like, too? This one incident overshadows everything? Have you never been let down by a friend, or boyfriend, made plans and invested time, yet been disappointed?

 

I like this outlook in general SG. I tend to look at the negatives in situations even when the positives have until that point outweighed them.

 

It becomes my focus, rather than taking it as it often is; an isolated incidence.

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bentnotbroken
Yep. Long as you can identify a jibe, you're good to go.

 

 

Along as I use my own measuring stick and not someone else's.

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I like this outlook in general SG. I tend to look at the negatives in situations even when the positives have until that point outweighed them.

 

It becomes my focus, rather than taking it as it often is; an isolated incidence.

 

I know what you mean. It's so easily done.... If you feel like your bubble has been burst (about anything, anything that's going well, not necessarily a relationship) then it's easy to feel despondent. But it's a choice I suppose. :)

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Hi everyone

 

I posted a few weeks ago for the first time, outlining my relationship with MM. I quite confidently stated that he had never put restrictions on me regarding contact, txt, phone calls etc and that I saw him everyday/evening.

 

Last night I experienced for the first time, a sudden change of plans, where he had to cancel our evening together. Something happened that he could not get out of and had to stay at home. I had made dinner for us and was looking forward to our evening together.

 

I can't believe how let down I felt and the fact that he was at home with his BS.

 

So this is what being an OW really feels like:(

 

Arran

 

Arran, maybe this is a good time to examine how you feel about the affair situation and what you are prepared to go along with and what would be too much of a compromise for you and your sense of self.

 

It seems from many of the OW stories here, that there is a slippery slope as far as some MM are concerned and they will ask for more and more compromise of their OW in order that they can maintain their dual existence. It seems that this only ends (either through the conclusion of the marriage of the affair) when the OW takes a stand and refuses to accept less than a healthy relationship with the MM. I can imagine how real the possibility of losing him must feel when asking more of him that he appears prepared to give, but it seems that the risk is worth taking, whatever the end result.

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Arrangrl,

 

.....anyways, if you're like alot of us OW. You are disapoointed by him cancelling your plans.

 

To me it's like the reality of your place in the relationship is brought to the surface and you have time to take it in and think about it. He's at home with the his family and this magnifies the reality of how you are already feeling.

 

So, with that time away, you calm down and maybe you miss him more than you are angry about cancelled plans. You think of conveying how disappointed you were, but then when you're together, all that suddenly flys out the window. He's there with you and maybe we can talk about it when we have more time. Let's just enjoy this time together.

 

So, there you are holding on for the ride. He goes home, and you have time to think again. Maybe this will be you, maybe not.

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