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First off, please don't let me offend anyone, but I have always been the woman who thinks cheaters and adulterors are scum. I've never cheated once in my life, but I have been cheated on and always thought lowly of people who knowingly cheated or helped someone else cheat.

 

HOWEVER, I am about five months out of a particularly messy break up. I met a guy via an online dating site who is "currently separated". BUT, all this means is that he and his wife live in the same house, but have different beds/bedrooms. They both travel for work and have out-of-town-family, and they try to coordinate so they are not in town at the home at the same time. This man's explanation to me is that he is saving some money so that when he officially files his divorce papers, if she refuses to continue helping to pay for their mortgage, etc., he will not be down the toilet financially. He says he is also trying to keep her placated so that she will not be vindictive about settling their affairs.

 

Even as I typed that above paragraph, I feel like an idiot who is gullible enough to believe the lies coming from a man who is just cheating on his wife. I thought this might be a great arrangement for me, because emotionally I am still recovering from my messy break up. I made it clear I would not sleep with him while he is married, and so since January we have been out about four times to dinner or to see a movie. He texts me a lot, and our texts have been anything from normal conversation to steamy & romantic.

 

I really, really like the guy, though. He is a lot of what I would look for in a man: polite, polished, educated, hard-working, funny, easygoing. Someone I could see bringing home to mom or taking to work functions. I did okay until last night - we had a great night out (I mean, one of my top five dates ever great). I had a really stressful day, and he did everything in his power to help me relax, make me laugh. I ended up sleeping with him.

 

Today, I feel so guilty. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I have gotten myself into a no-win situation. Not only do I have no idea if or when he is actually getting divorced, but I also found out that his job here may be eliminated and he may move several hours away on June 1.

 

I am assuming that most people's advice will be to move on now, before I get in any deeper. But some support would be very appreciated. I'm anxious about the situation I am in and very down on myself for doing something I consider to be breaking my principles. :(

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What kind of "support" are you looking for?

 

Advice on how to continue the relationship with him?

 

Suggestions as to whether or not you should?

 

Help in sorting out why you're doing something so "against your nature"?

 

How are you hoping that we here on LS can support you?

 

No offense intended in this post...honest questions that you might want to consider...it'll help you better define for yourself what you truly want out of all of this.

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What kind of "support" are you looking for?

 

Advice on how to continue the relationship with him?

 

Suggestions as to whether or not you should?

 

Help in sorting out why you're doing something so "against your nature"?

 

How are you hoping that we here on LS can support you?

 

No offense intended in this post...honest questions that you might want to consider...it'll help you better define for yourself what you truly want out of all of this.

 

Honestly? Maybe all of the above. I read another thread from women who were in similar circumstances with men who claimed they were going through a separation/divorce with an end in sight, but that end never actually came.

 

Am I right to assume he's probably just cheating? Am I right to assume he probably isn't actually getting a divorce?

 

What would you do in my situation?

 

I think I know how I let myself get into my predicament - I'm lonely and miss my ex, I'm living in a new town with relatively few friends to go out with, and he's REALLY great to me. Everything in my head told me to stop last night, but I didn't. I realized my feelings were developing for this guy over the past few months, but I ignored the warning signs and pushed ahead anyway.

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Honestly? Maybe all of the above. I read another thread from women who were in similar circumstances with men who claimed they were going through a separation/divorce with an end in sight, but that end never actually came.

 

Maybe you are referring to me? ;)

 

Am I right to assume he's probably just cheating? Am I right to assume he probably isn't actually getting a divorce?

 

What would you do in my situation?

 

I think I know how I let myself get into my predicament - I'm lonely and miss my ex, I'm living in a new town with relatively few friends to go out with, and he's REALLY great to me. Everything in my head told me to stop last night, but I didn't. I realized my feelings were developing for this guy over the past few months, but I ignored the warning signs and pushed ahead anyway.

 

Here are my thoughts.....you are in a very vulnerable place because of your recent break up and you aren't in a position to be getting into any serious relationship especially one with such HIGH risk.

 

He may be telling the truth, but if he isn't, he has the PERFECT set up to hide the lies and he has you buying into it. You are buying what he is selling even though you are suspicious and you are going against your gut instincts which are clearly telling you that you are getting in way over your head.

 

So here are some things that you could do......has he told you that there have been official papers filed? If he has, I'd do whatever I needed to do to verify it and public records are just that........public so it's not hard to do that. If there are no papers, then you already know yourself what you should do, (listen to your head and your gut). It's not as complicated as it seems........it's really simple, you just need to be still and listen to YOU.

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Here are my thoughts.....you are in a very vulnerable place because of your recent break up and you aren't in a position to be getting into any serious relationship especially one with such HIGH risk.

 

He may be telling the truth, but if he isn't, he has the PERFECT set up to hide the lies and he has you buying into it. You are buying what he is selling even though you are suspicious and you are going against your gut instincts which are clearly telling you that you are getting in way over your head.

 

So here are some things that you could do......has he told you that there have been official papers filed? If he has, I'd do whatever I needed to do to verify it and public records are just that........public so it's not hard to do that. If there are no papers, then you already know yourself what you should do, (listen to your head and your gut). It's not as complicated as it seems........it's really simple, you just need to be still and listen to YOU.

 

I think it was your post or you had written in it. :) He has not filed papers. I think that is what makes me most uneasy. The fact that he could "change his mind" at any time and stay in his marriage. And I think my issue with it is more that I hate being the "other woman" than of worrying about my own feelings for him. I feel awful for having "helped" someone "cheat". :(

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I think it was your post or you had written in it. :) He has not filed papers. I think that is what makes me most uneasy. The fact that he could "change his mind" at any time and stay in his marriage. And I think my issue with it is more that I hate being the "other woman" than of worrying about my own feelings for him. I feel awful for having "helped" someone "cheat". :(

 

 

Stace.....people have different views on if dating a separated man is considered OW status or not. You have indicated that you do see it that way and it bothers you, so why are you going against your morals and beliefs for this particular man?

 

For now forget about the moral, personal belief and values aspect of it and think about what makes this so high risk for you.

 

  • You have no way to verify that what he is telling you about his in house separation is true.
  • He is seeing you in secret because he needs to keep things amiable right? Secret means you aren't meeting his friends or his family so you are deprived of getting inside info on him from these people.
  • If he is really divorcing why does he feel the need to lie about dating to his stbx? Grownups need to handle breakups honestly and with dignity, right?
  • If he really is separated, many spouses do reconcile, even some that have been separated and living apart for years. You'll find stories here about that very thing. SunsetRed is one I can think of off the top of my head.

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I know you want to hear support but look past the initial temptation and think of the pain this will bring down the road. Right now you are vulnerable because of a bad breakup and he came at the right moment. Put the long term before instant sparks.

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Stace

 

Even when the ink is finally dry on the divorce papers (yes, you should get verification about that, BTW)

 

You're going to getting a man on the rebound--who's going to need time to grieve the prior relationship, and get his feelings about it dealt with, before he can truly be a good partner to someone again.

 

Otherwise, you may be dealing with someone who's going to be bringing a lot of drama to the table............

 

Just food for thought---my advice is to proceed with extreme caution, and your eyes wide open.

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lovingwhatis

Only because you asked, stace, but if i were you, id be more concerned with the recent realization of my hypocrisy than with him. This situation is showing you the glass house you've been throwing stones in. It can be a blessing in disguise and you can begin to extricate yourself from the lies you've been telling yourself all these years.

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greengoddess
Only because you asked, stace, but if i were you, id be more concerned with the recent realization of my hypocrisy than with him. This situation is showing you the glass house you've been throwing stones in. It can be a blessing in disguise and you can begin to extricate yourself from the lies you've been telling yourself all these years.

 

not the same at all. She was duped into this. She started a relationship from a lie. He told her they were seperated. I consider that much different than someone who intentionally gets involved with a married man.

 

Stace time to run!

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not the same at all. She was duped into this. She started a relationship from a lie. He told her they were seperated. I consider that much different than someone who intentionally gets involved with a married man.

 

Stace time to run!

No kidding! That post made me kinda angry! :mad:

 

Stace, has the W confirmed that they are, in fact, splitting up? If it is so, and they are striving to not even be at the house at the same time because of it, why wouldn't it be okay for her to know about you?

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lovingwhatis
not the same at all. She was duped into this. She started a relationship from a lie. He told her they were seperated. I consider that much different than someone who intentionally gets involved with a married man.

 

Stace time to run!

Oh really? How was she duped, you don't know for sure she's been duped yet. She duped herself(by her words) when she let herself fall for a separated guy when she clearly believes cheating and cheaters are the worst. So now she is angry at herself, and is seeing her own hypocrisy. Isnt this an easier thing to focus on than what a separated m may or may not do?

 

Stace, im in an edgy mood today, so my response to you is edgy, i apologize for that.

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greengoddess
Oh really? How was she duped, you don't know for sure she's been duped yet. She duped herself(by her words) when she let herself fall for a separated guy when she clearly believes cheating and cheaters are the worst. So now she is angry at herself, and is seeing her own hypocrisy. Isnt this an easier thing to focus on than what a separated m may or may not do?

 

Stace, im in an edgy mood today, so my response to you is edgy, i apologize for that.

 

You may be risking your heart falling for a separated man because there is a chance he will not divorce but if he is genuinely separated I don't see it as devoid of morals. The problem comes if she is a secret. If he lied and he is not separated. HE LIED. She didn't knowing go for a man who was lying to his wife. She thought she was with one whose wife would not care because THEY ARE SEPARATED. BIG DIFFERENCE. HUGE.:)

 

If his wife does not know about her then time to run.

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First off, please don't let me offend anyone, but I have always been the woman who thinks cheaters and adulterors are scum. I've never cheated once in my life, but I have been cheated on and always thought lowly of people who knowingly cheated or helped someone else cheat.

 

HOWEVER, I am about five months out of a particularly messy break up. I met a guy via an online dating site who is "currently separated". BUT, all this means is that he and his wife live in the same house, but have different beds/bedrooms. They both travel for work and have out-of-town-family, and they try to coordinate so they are not in town at the home at the same time. This man's explanation to me is that he is saving some money so that when he officially files his divorce papers, if she refuses to continue helping to pay for their mortgage, etc., he will not be down the toilet financially. He says he is also trying to keep her placated so that she will not be vindictive about settling their affairs.

 

Even as I typed that above paragraph, I feel like an idiot who is gullible enough to believe the lies coming from a man who is just cheating on his wife. I thought this might be a great arrangement for me, because emotionally I am still recovering from my messy break up. I made it clear I would not sleep with him while he is married, and so since January we have been out about four times to dinner or to see a movie. He texts me a lot, and our texts have been anything from normal conversation to steamy & romantic.

 

I really, really like the guy, though. He is a lot of what I would look for in a man: polite, polished, educated, hard-working, funny, easygoing. Someone I could see bringing home to mom or taking to work functions. I did okay until last night - we had a great night out (I mean, one of my top five dates ever great). I had a really stressful day, and he did everything in his power to help me relax, make me laugh. I ended up sleeping with him.

 

Today, I feel so guilty. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I have gotten myself into a no-win situation. Not only do I have no idea if or when he is actually getting divorced, but I also found out that his job here may be eliminated and he may move several hours away on June 1.

 

I am assuming that most people's advice will be to move on now, before I get in any deeper. But some support would be very appreciated. I'm anxious about the situation I am in and very down on myself for doing something I consider to be breaking my principles. :(

 

 

Since January you have seen him 4 times? It's April. That's like once a month. :confused: Is that a R?

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No kidding! That post made me kinda angry! :mad:

 

Stace, has the W confirmed that they are, in fact, splitting up? If it is so, and they are striving to not even be at the house at the same time because of it, why wouldn't it be okay for her to know about you?

 

All of this is based on an assumption that he is being honest. :)

 

He says that she is understanding of his desire for a divorce and that she agrees it is what is best, but is sad about it. She has no idea he has even attempted to date again. They currently own a house here, and they are trying to sell it. He is afraid if she found out he was dating me, or even attempting to date by signing up to a dating site, that she would stop paying her share of their household expenses, including a mortgage that he cannot afford on one income. So, he said that until he builds up more savings to cover any financial hit he may take, he is waiting to file paperwork.

 

They got engaged and married within like six months of having met, and (hmm...surprise surprise) he was recently out of another long relationship when he met her. He told me he expressed concerns to his parents and friends and best man, but everyone told him he couldn't back out of the wedding at that point. They have been married less than two years.

 

I suppose I could have been more pressing for details, but when he said "currently separated" and told me this, I assumed they were already living separately. He does not wear a wedding ring, but I suppose any man could just take the ring off. :) I'm not totally stupid. Haha.

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Since January you have seen him 4 times? It's April. That's like once a month. :confused: Is that a R?

 

No, I don't consider it a relationship. But I think it could head that direction if I allowed it. I feel like most everyone's advice is smart, and is what my gut is telling me, which is to cut out now before I get too emotionally involved with him.

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greengoddess

LOL blah blah. I'm not buying it. Why would she want to screw up her credit too. If they have been only married 2 years then they are probably underwater with the house considering what the market has done. Nope not buying it. Do you know for a fact the house is for sale? This is not a good time to sell a house you've had for only 2 years.

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If someone says they are seperated but havent filed and are still living with thier spouse..

 

And then goes onto say that he is trying to keep everything cool so his spouse doesnt get angry with him...when he does file...

 

He is married. Maybe he has fantasies of someday divorcing his wife - but he has not shared that information with her.

 

Since he says they make every effort to be on opposite schedules regarding out of town travel...you should be able to call him at home when its his turn to be in it.

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All of this is based on an assumption that he is being honest. :)

 

He says that she is understanding of his desire for a divorce and that she agrees it is what is best, but is sad about it. She has no idea he has even attempted to date again. They currently own a house here, and they are trying to sell it. He is afraid if she found out he was dating me, or even attempting to date by signing up to a dating site, that she would stop paying her share of their household expenses, including a mortgage that he cannot afford on one income. So, he said that until he builds up more savings to cover any financial hit he may take, he is waiting to file paperwork.

 

They got engaged and married within like six months of having met, and (hmm...surprise surprise) he was recently out of another long relationship when he met her. He told me he expressed concerns to his parents and friends and best man, but everyone told him he couldn't back out of the wedding at that point. They have been married less than two years.

 

I suppose I could have been more pressing for details, but when he said "currently separated" and told me this, I assumed they were already living separately. He does not wear a wedding ring, but I suppose any man could just take the ring off. :) I'm not totally stupid. Haha.

 

Well I'm of course cynical because of what happened to me but I think most would agree there are several more red flags in what you are telling us. If you don't mind me asking how old is this man? Approximately will be fine.

 

Red flags........dating site, living in the same house, his wife doesn't know he is dating which proves he is deceiving her in at least one way, jumping from one relationship to another quickly, telling you he married her for the wrong reasons (I heard that BS), no wedding ring means nothing, as I later found out just how practiced my xmm was at taking it on and off. He let you assume they weren't living together???

He is a grown man.....why the hell couldn't he back out of the wedding.........I smell so much bs on that one that I need to go get my thigh high boots to wade through it. lol

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Greengoddess and 2sure - believe me, I have thought of some of these things. It is really sad, because I tend to be horribly cynical and never believe what men tell me, but this guy must be really good. :)

 

I made plans to see him this evening - I'm meeting him for a movie, with my own vehicle - so I will tell him what I have been thinking most of this time anyway. That we can't see each other anymore. :(

 

It is hard to admit, but I know most of your advice and opinions are dead on. Whether he is lying or not seems irrelevant, because I like the guy and am just setting myself up for huge failure and heartbreak.

 

I do appreciate the opinions. Please feel free to add more, because it never hurts to hear validation of my suspicions.

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Well I'm of course cynical because of what happened to me but I think most would agree there are several more red flags in what you are telling us. If you don't mind me asking how old is this man? Approximately will be fine.

 

Red flags........dating site, living in the same house, his wife doesn't know he is dating which proves he is deceiving her in at least one way, jumping from one relationship to another quickly, telling you he married her for the wrong reasons (I heard that BS), no wedding ring means nothing, as I later found out just how practiced my xmm was at taking it on and off. He let you assume they weren't living together???

He is a grown man.....why the hell couldn't he back out of the wedding.........I smell so much bs on that one that I need to go get my thigh high boots to wade through it. lol

 

This is helpful...these are even more red flags that I didn't even pick up on. He and I are both 32... about several weeks apart actually in birth date.

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Greengoddess and 2sure - believe me, I have thought of some of these things. It is really sad, because I tend to be horribly cynical and never believe what men tell me, but this guy must be really good. :)

 

I made plans to see him this evening - I'm meeting him for a movie, with my own vehicle - so I will tell him what I have been thinking most of this time anyway. That we can't see each other anymore. :(

 

It is hard to admit, but I know most of your advice and opinions are dead on. Whether he is lying or not seems irrelevant, because I like the guy and am just setting myself up for huge failure and heartbreak.

 

I do appreciate the opinions. Please feel free to add more, because it never hurts to hear validation of my suspicions.

 

 

He will sweet talk you and play the victim and he will act like letting you go is going to kill him. He will tell you how sorry he is and that he shouldn't have ever got involved with you under the circumstances..........blah, blah. Obviously I don't know the guy.........but even if he is really doing a in house separation, he is no way ready to have a real relationship with you. Way too much baggage right now.

 

I hope you will call it a short lesson learned but I don't think you will, I think tonight you are going to invest yourself some more in what he is telling you. Your going to feel very conflicted when he puts those arms around you and tells you what you want to hear and you are going to let your heart take over..............Please prove me wrong.

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Listen to BB07 and don't even bother with that guy. Umm by the way, I don't recall that 4 or 5 dates makes it a relationship, and even sleeping with someone ONE time makes it a relationship... at least not in my book.

 

If you REALLY want to know, go & see if his house is for sale. Then you'll know. But I think he is lying to you.

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LOL blah blah. I'm not buying it. Why would she want to screw up her credit too. If they have been only married 2 years then they are probably underwater with the house considering what the market has done. Nope not buying it. Do you know for a fact the house is for sale? This is not a good time to sell a house you've had for only 2 years.

 

Again, I've thought the same things. I don't know anything for a fact at this point. Another "fact": he says she's been accepted into a doctoral program at another university, so she wants to move anyway. Which is another reason they'd have to sell their house. But yes, the economy sucks and selling a house is not fun right now.

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He will sweet talk you and play the victim and he will act like letting you go is going to kill him. He will tell you how sorry he is and that he shouldn't have ever got involved with you under the circumstances..........blah, blah. Obviously I don't know the guy.........but even if he is really doing a in house separation, he is no way ready to have a real relationship with you. Way too much baggage right now.

 

I hope you will call it a short lesson learned but I don't think you will, I think tonight you are going to invest yourself some more in what he is telling you. Your going to feel very conflicted when he puts those arms around you and tells you what you want to hear and you are going to let your heart take over..............Please prove me wrong.

 

Please don't take this as me defending him, but he's actually not done any of those things, because I've brought up my concerns to him before. He says he understands if I don't want to see him anymore. He isn't making any promises or anything like that. I just know myself - and if I get too involved or start "liking him too much" it will just hurt more down the road. Not to mention that I am uncomfortable knowing I'm involved with a guy who is officially with someone else. It's something I never thought I would knowingly do, and now I have.

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