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What brand of affair was ours?


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I see the term 'exit affair' referred to on LS when AP's go on to form a permanent relationship. It got me thinking about my guy. What was his affair?

 

We broke up twice, after he had totally bricked it. He felt it would be the hardest thing in the world and couldn't see how he would find the strength to do something that went so FAR against the grain in his social circles and there are no divorces in his family.

 

When we did split up he went totally NC. I have two best friends. One deemed that his NC meant he didn't care a fig for me and talk of future was all a lie. I felt broken, devastated and lost and she felt if he cared he'd be checking up on me and apologising. My other best friend said it was the first thing he'd done (NC) that she could truly respect. She said all the while he hadn't left his marriage he damn well SHOULD refrain from any contact whatsoever.

 

We've spoken of those times since, he and I, and his view was that if he couldn't show me, prove to me what I meant (leave his wife) then he ought leave me well alone to mourn the loss of us. My point of sharing this was that he had no intention of ending his marriage. He was resigned to them being together in to their dotage. He THOUGHT he could leave for me. WANTED to leave to be with me. But faltered.

 

Legally he's still married to her, for now; everyone they know are aware he's left her and moved out to be with me and will never be back. But if things go as we plan (wedding, babies) what sort of an affair would this have been? I don't know if Jennie still posts, I feel sure she'd have the answer!

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Does he have children? I'm just wondering. One of the reasons I feel that my married man and I both stay in our marriages is partly because "it would be the hardest thing in the world and couldn't see how he would find the strength to do something that went so FAR against the grain in his social circles and ....family"

 

I'm sorry I can't answer your question. I don't really know any labels for the different types of affairs, but just to say that it sounds to me like it is maybe what they call the exit affair. Is this the one when you are no longer in love with your spouse but were staying for whatever reason, but find yourself in love with someone else so you leave to be with them? lol.

 

Unfortunately mine isn't like that. I'm a MW/OW and I have never been in love with my husband. But my MM said he was still in love with his wife. He doesn't actually say it anymore, but he doesn't deny it either. But he tells me plenty how much he loves me. Wonder what kind of affair that is??? Do you know? Cause I don't.

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My other best friend said it was the first thing he'd done (NC) that she could truly respect. She said all the while he hadn't left his marriage he damn well SHOULD refrain from any contact whatsoever.

 

I agree with your other best friend. Too many MM sit on the fence and let it ride. I think that the fact that he did make a choice and isn't dragging two women along for the insanity ride is promising.

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I don't necessarily think the MM had an exit A, I think he would have left anyway. I am glad that he didn't prolong the A he seems he did the right thing and the NC gave you both the opportunity to put space between the marriage and your relationship.

 

I don't think any A is a good thing, but I do think two people falling in love and being together, without deceit, is a good thing. If people are unhappy in their marriages I truly think they should leave, no matter how hard, once something is dead for one, pretending it isn't to the other is cruel.

 

I am glad that you and he are happy and have plans for the future. So I would hope that your relationship is one of your top three things. Good luck SG.

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Does he have children? I'm just wondering. One of the reasons I feel that my married man and I both stay in our marriages is partly because "it would be the hardest thing in the world and couldn't see how he would find the strength to do something that went so FAR against the grain in his social circles and ....family"

 

No kids. It would never have gone further if there had been. For me anyway. But they'd already split up for over year and were living together again with zero reconciliation efforts.

 

I'm sorry I can't answer your question. I don't really know any labels for the different types of affairs, but just to say that it sounds to me like it is maybe what they call the exit affair. Is this the one when you are no longer in love with your spouse but were staying for whatever reason, but find yourself in love with someone else so you leave to be with them? lol.

 

The reason I am not in agreement with Exit Affair is because I believed that to be when the AP was likely to leave anyway, sooner or later. And that appears not to have been the case here. He was in it for Life (like a sentence :D).

 

Unfortunately mine isn't like that. I'm a MW/OW and I have never been in love with my husband. But my MM said he was still in love with his wife. He doesn't actually say it anymore, but he doesn't deny it either. But he tells me plenty how much he loves me. Wonder what kind of affair that is??? Do you know? Cause I don't.

 

Oh gawd. That sounds harsh. My guy said he didn't love his wife, then at the end there were all these surges of love (guilt, fear, etc).

 

You're in love with your MM though?

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I don't necessarily think the MM had an exit A, I think he would have left anyway. I am glad that he didn't prolong the A he seems he did the right thing and the NC gave you both the opportunity to put space between the marriage and your relationship.

 

I don't think any A is a good thing, but I do think two people falling in love and being together, without deceit, is a good thing. If people are unhappy in their marriages I truly think they should leave, no matter how hard, once something is dead for one, pretending it isn't to the other is cruel.

 

I am glad that you and he are happy and have plans for the future. So I would hope that your relationship is one of your top three things. Good luck SG.

 

THANK YOU for your post Seren. And true to form your graceful style shows me right up (the bolded)!!!!! :o

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I don't necessarily think the MM had an exit A, I think he would have left anyway. I am glad that he didn't prolong the A he seems he did the right thing and the NC gave you both the opportunity to put space between the marriage and your relationship.

 

I don't think any A is a good thing, but I do think two people falling in love and being together, without deceit, is a good thing. If people are unhappy in their marriages I truly think they should leave, no matter how hard, once something is dead for one, pretending it isn't to the other is cruel.

 

I am glad that you and he are happy and have plans for the future. So I would hope that your relationship is one of your top three things. Good luck SG.

 

I wish more people would take the bolded to heart...

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Silly - many many congratulatoins. I wish you and your SO a lifetime of happiness.

 

Great post as always Seren. People who are unhappy should leave.

 

Silly your affair had so many twists and turns it was definitely not an exit affair.

 

I would term it a wake up affair. Not a technical term. Your SO woke up to the fact that he couldnt live with the status quo anymore and that he could be happier outside of the marriage than he could be staying.

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Mme. Chaucer

If the two of you are together long term, it doesn't sound like an exit affair. As I understand it, an exit affair is usually used by the married person as a way out of a marriage that is not working, or they just want out of for whatever reason. My boyfriend had one. He (and I) see it as a cowardly move on his part that took him a long time to come to terms with. He regrets that he didn't have the courage to tell his ex wife that he needed a divorce.

 

He was in such a state of denial at the time that he really didn't put what he was doing all together. It took a few years of being on his own and processing for that to happen.

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WorldIsYours
the fact that he couldnt live with the status quo anymore and that he could be happier outside of the marriage than he could be staying.

 

He could've been happy if he left instead of cheating then leaving. He's only setting himself up to fall.

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greengoddess
He could've been happy if he left instead of cheating then leaving. He's only setting himself up to fall.

 

 

I agree. The man was very unhappy and needed to leave his marriage. He could have done it the respectable way and chose not to. I think he felt guilty having an affair and knew he needed to end with his wife first. Now he is stuck with his choice of having had the affair and I think that may not be good for your future. He obviously doen't really believe that you should be involved in an affair and that, even though he had a part of it, may in the long run cloud his opinion of you because you chose to be an affair partner even if it was with him. :(

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WorldIsYours
I agree. The man was very unhappy and needed to leave his marriage. He could have done it the respectable way and chose not to. I think he felt guilty having an affair and knew he needed to end with his wife first. Now he is stuck with his choice of having had the affair and I think that may not be good for your future. He obviously doen't really believe that you should be involved in an affair and that, even though he had a part of it, may in the long run cloud his opinion of you because you chose to be an affair partner even if it was with him. :(

 

And after the damage has been done in the field, one of them will cheat on the other.

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He could've been happy if he left instead of cheating then leaving. He's only setting himself up to fall.

 

Whether you approve or not he'd have stayed and their destructive cycle would have continued. A lot of people would say that would be worse.

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greengoddess
Whether you approve or not he'd have stayed and their destructive cycle would have continued. A lot of people would say that would be worse.

 

I'm confused about your story. You two are a couple in the open now and he is out of the marriage? If this is true do you feel he needed you, a safe landing to finally leave, that he would have never done it on his own?

 

His wife and family know now of you and everything is good now? For some reason I thought you were broken up and just friends.

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An Exit Affair is first of all an A when the MM/MW leaves the M (separation or D) (the word 'Exit' is there for a reason :) ) It is pre-divorce state where the M is going downhill and MP starts to look elsewhere for a fling. The MP is mentally prepared for eventually divorcing. The A is a consequence of this state NOT the trigger of the D.

 

Also the typical Exit affair is short, often a couple of month fling before MP moves out and generally NOT for the AP.

 

A friend of mine, single guy had an A with a MW. She was crazy about him for 3 months, then she left her H, divorced and dumped the OM for rebounding a couple of months later with another guy.

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I agree. The man was very unhappy and needed to leave his marriage. He could have done it the respectable way and chose not to. I think he felt guilty having an affair and knew he needed to end with his wife first. Now he is stuck with his choice of having had the affair and I think that may not be good for your future. He obviously doen't really believe that you should be involved in an affair and that, even though he had a part of it, may in the long run cloud his opinion of you because you chose to be an affair partner even if it was with him. :(

 

He was a good man who took a lot of shyte and showed a lot of loyalty to a wife that did not deserve it. He wanted it to work out, but became depressed and buried himself deep in denial. He refused to talk to any family or friends about his home situation because he was ashamed and they had already told him in no uncertain terms what they felt about his suffering and the tolerance he showed.

 

He thought, with all his heart, he was doing the right thing by staying. When he met me his eyes were opened and he slowly started to gain perspective, and confidence. He may have cheated on his (unfaithful) wife, that is true, but he is a fantastic son, brother, friend, boyfriend and also buddy to my son. He's a kind and gentle person who works hard and cares for others.

 

It was because he did not want to cause hurt that he made some mistakes in how he dealt with his marriage and it got messy when he was ending it. You will call those reasons 'excuses' but his logic then is not his logic now, and his wife often asked not to be told things, or made herself unavailable to discuss matters, which made it harder for him.

 

He is a different person now and EVERYONE around him knows and appreciates the changes in him, bar one. And I completely understand that, why his wife would say he's changed for the worst.

 

He even said this weekend he is a different person, even down to how he dresses. He feels relaxed, confident, much more self-aware, pro-active in his life (as opposed to being what I used to term a 'spectator'). He looks and sounds different. He is exceeding my expectations time and time again. He showed a lot of fear and cowardice, in my view, as we went along our journey, so although I had faith in him (else I wouldn't have carried on) I didn't know if there might be stumbling blocks, or the odd stall here or there. But there's none, he embraces even the tough stuff rather than delaying and avoiding. He's loving his life and has never been so happy. There are issues up ahead, but none are dealbreakers for him/us.

 

I'm not sure GG, what about my guy or our situation makes you think he might have a low opinion of me for my part in our relationship. I'd be interested to know more, though.

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I'm confused about your story. You two are a couple in the open now and he is out of the marriage? If this is true do you feel he needed you, a safe landing to finally leave, that he would have never done it on his own?

 

His wife and family know now of you and everything is good now? For some reason I thought you were broken up and just friends.

 

Yes, we're together and in the open and she has reluctantly accepted it.

 

He didn't NEED a safe landing, GG, because he wouldn't have gone. He left because of the relationship we have. Neither one of us a) have had anything like it before; or b) knew it was possible to feel so fulfilled, relaxed, happy with someone else.

 

No, if he hadn't met me he'd not have left, none of us involved are in any doubt about that.

 

We did break up twice, yes. Although he wanted to stay friends it was me who wanted to cut ties and kill it completely. In the long run that's not what happened, obviously.

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Silly - many many congratulatoins. I wish you and your SO a lifetime of happiness.

 

Great post as always Seren. People who are unhappy should leave.

 

Silly your affair had so many twists and turns it was definitely not an exit affair.

 

I would term it a wake up affair. Not a technical term. Your SO woke up to the fact that he couldnt live with the status quo anymore and that he could be happier outside of the marriage than he could be staying.

 

jj, you're one of the most calm and compassionate posters on here. Thank you.

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greengoddess
He was a good man who took a lot of shyte and showed a lot of loyalty to a wife that did not deserve it. He wanted it to work out, but became depressed and buried himself deep in denial. He refused to talk to any family or friends about his home situation because he was ashamed and they had already told him in no uncertain terms what they felt about his suffering and the tolerance he showed.

 

He thought, with all his heart, he was doing the right thing by staying. When he met me his eyes were opened and he slowly started to gain perspective, and confidence. He may have cheated on his (unfaithful) wife, that is true, but he is a fantastic son, brother, friend, boyfriend and also buddy to my son. He's a kind and gentle person who works hard and cares for others.

 

It was because he did not want to cause hurt that he made some mistakes in how he dealt with his marriage and it got messy when he was ending it. You will call those reasons 'excuses' but his logic then is not his logic now, and his wife often asked not to be told things, or made herself unavailable to discuss matters, which made it harder for him.

 

He is a different person now and EVERYONE around him knows and appreciates the changes in him, bar one. And I completely understand that, why his wife would say he's changed for the worst.

 

He even said this weekend he is a different person, even down to how he dresses. He feels relaxed, confident, much more self-aware, pro-active in his life (as opposed to being what I used to term a 'spectator'). He looks and sounds different. He is exceeding my expectations time and time again. He showed a lot of fear and cowardice, in my view, as we went along our journey, so although I had faith in him (else I wouldn't have carried on) I didn't know if there might be stumbling blocks, or the odd stall here or there. But there's none, he embraces even the tough stuff rather than delaying and avoiding. He's loving his life and has never been so happy. There are issues up ahead, but none are dealbreakers for him/us.

 

I'm not sure GG, what about my guy or our situation makes you think he might have a low opinion of me for my part in our relationship. I'd be interested to know more, though.

 

Because of all those wonderful things you just said about him. His loyalty, his shame for what he was going through. He is obviously not someone who believed in having an affair. He met you, fell in love and that changed. Hopefully that won't affect him in the future.

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Nope, still don't get it. It might be an experience you're drawing on that I can't see from here. N'worries. :)

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I must have missed an update. When did he get divorce papers signed?

 

Oh sorry jthorne, please do point me in the direction of the post where I said that and I'll clarify it for you immediately. :)

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Because of all those wonderful things you just said about him. His loyalty, his shame for what he was going through. He is obviously not someone who believed in having an affair. He met you, fell in love and that changed. Hopefully that won't affect him in the future.

 

Why should it? Desperate times call for desperate measures. My H had similarly never considered an A prior to ours. He had been faithful and committed to a woman who did not deserve it, despite many opportunities to "step out", for decades. People survived a plane crash in the Andes by eating their deceased fellow passengers in order to stay alive - that experience saved them, but they did not develop a taste for human flesh and revert to cannibalism when they returned home. That "out of character" behaviour was something they resorted to in that particular situation, in order to survive. Once out of that situation, they no longer had need of that behaviour and resumed their normal lives. I don't know SG's BF, but I can certainly speak for my H and say with assurance that I have no fear that he "thinks less of me" because I was willing to have an A with him. He thinks of me as the woman he loves beyond all else that he had ever experienced before, and who was willing to do what it took for us to be together (just as he was). :love: :love:

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Technically speaking, you titled your post as what kind of affair "was" ours, implying that it is no longer an affair. For it not to be an affair, he would no longer be married. Since that is not the case, it is somewhat misleading.

 

Until he's divorced, it's still technically an A, but obviously it is not really what an A implies either since you're openly moving forward.

 

I don't agree with that - I think that depends on individual circumstances. Some LS members have lived with their SOs for years, openly and happily, despite their SO never having formally D'd their (x)S. Is that technically an A? Others have Dd their S, but have kept their GF secret from their S and have continued to prioritise the xS and treat the GF as second best, conforming to the worst kind of A stereotype, despite the D. I can't see the first scenario being regarded by the average person as an A, and while the second scenario is clearly not an A (since the person is D) the experience of the GF in that situation is that it may as well be.

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Technically speaking, you titled your post as what kind of affair "was" ours, implying that it is no longer an affair. For it not to be an affair, he would no longer be married. Since that is not the case, it is somewhat misleading.

 

Until he's divorced, it's still technically an A, but obviously it is not really what an A implies either since you're openly moving forward.

 

Congrats, SG...I wish you happiness :)

 

Ah, thank you, I really appreciate it.

 

It genuinely doesn't feel like an affair now. It isn't, to me. His parents, her parents, their friends, etc etc etc. Everyone knows he and I plan to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

Also, i spent years married to one man on paper only, but wedded to another in life. For legal reasons. So I am perhaps somewhat unique in how I feel about the marital status. The only reason I care that he's married is because I would prefer us to be married if we have kids.

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