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journeyeleven

Hello all,

 

 

I was involved with a MM for about 4 years; he was my high school sweetheart – first love. He moved away from the area several years ago but we reconnected on a social network. We only saw each other a few times a year but were in touch daily. It was mainly an extremely intense EA, but there was some physical intimacy as well.

 

It got to the point where I couldn’t tolerate him telling me he loved me while staying married so we tried being friends instead for a while. I didn’t doubt that he loved me but I knew he would never do anything about it. Anyway, we continued to email for about a year, but naturally the tone changed. To be honest, I missed the closeness so the “friendship” started to bother me as much as the EA did, so I abruptly stopped emailing him 5 months ago. Never said goodbye, never said a word to him about it. I just had to end it but wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I also think I didn’t want him to cavalierly accept the situation and say his goodbyes to me. He continued to email me for a couple of months but I never answered and he never tried to call me to find out what was going on.

 

The problem is, I still think about him all the time and it's still painful. I don’t know how to get him out of my head. Did I make a mistake in not formally ending it? Would saying goodbye now help me to heal faster? Or should I just leave things as they are and slowly try to heal?

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"Friendship" is a disguise to keep the A going-on and to make it morally acceptable, especially to the WS.

 

If he didnt move in 4 years, he is not moving in 40 years either, he was confortable with the situation. If you need closure, why not writing him an email or letter for closure ? (just my 2cents)..

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ladydesigner
Hello all,

 

 

I was involved with a MM for about 4 years; he was my high school sweetheart – first love. He moved away from the area several years ago but we reconnected on a social network. We only saw each other a few times a year but were in touch daily. It was mainly an extremely intense EA, but there was some physical intimacy as well.

 

It got to the point where I couldn’t tolerate him telling me he loved me while staying married so we tried being friends instead for a while. I didn’t doubt that he loved me but I knew he would never do anything about it. Anyway, we continued to email for about a year, but naturally the tone changed. To be honest, I missed the closeness so the “friendship” started to bother me as much as the EA did, so I abruptly stopped emailing him 5 months ago. Never said goodbye, never said a word to him about it. I just had to end it but wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I also think I didn’t want him to cavalierly accept the situation and say his goodbyes to me. He continued to email me for a couple of months but I never answered and he never tried to call me to find out what was going on.

 

The problem is, I still think about him all the time and it's still painful. I don’t know how to get him out of my head. Did I make a mistake in not formally ending it? Would saying goodbye now help me to heal faster? Or should I just leave things as they are and slowly try to heal?

 

Honestly I do not think saying goodbye would change anything. I think ANY contact would reopen those wounds and for all you know he may be really angry with you and say some things that would cause more pain for you.

 

When my XOM and I were in friend mode (he ended the A to stay with his long-term girlfriend) I would constantly seek some kind of closure, and EVERY time I got it IT HURT. I finally went NC and found MY closure, it was the best thing I ever did.

 

Keep moving forward with your progress as you have made it this far. Eventually it will not matter to you. As they say it takes time. It took me almost 2 years.

 

Hang in there:bunny:

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journeyeleven

E7, I totally agree that he's not going anywhere. His EA with me was a huge departure from the way he conducts his life. From what he told me, there was never much passion in the marriage; it is based on friendship, loyalty, family and of course, love of some kind. I believe that people make choices depending on what's important to them personally. And his family is more important to him than I am, plain and simple.

 

I just wish I could stop thinking about him.

 

 

Lady D, I'm with you on the closure thing while in friendship mode. It wasn't so much what he said than what he didn't say that was hurtful. I really don't want to contact him; I just want to find some peace with the whole thing.

 

Two years is a long time; did it happen gradually for you or did it take meeting someone else to wash the pain away? I'm happy to hear you've moved on with your life; it gives me hope.

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Flabbergaster

Need for closure...you did everything you could. Tell yourself that nothing you could do differently would have changed this situation.

 

In my experience, whenever I managed to say "one last goodbye" to someone for closure...I find that it only made my pain worse (I'm talking about SOs in general, not just AP).

 

The most you should consider is to write a short to the point note.

Then...maybe send it to me, instead of to him.

If you send it to him...I would suggest you not answer any communication attempts at all.

If you send it to him...I think you might find that 'waiting for an answer' or 'ignoring the answers' both hurt more than where you are, right now.

 

If you do write a note...it might be good to leave it dry, without anything emotional or reminiscing.

 

Several months ago you and I were involved in a relationship which was emotionally damaging to me. This note is to formally state that you and I are no longer going to be involved. I am saying goodbye, and wishing you a good life. This is why I stopped communicating, abrubtly.

Please do not respond to this, or attempt to contact me in any way. Further contact with you will only cause me more pain. This is explicitly not a request to open dialogue about the damaging nature of that relationship.

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journeyeleven

Flabbergaster, I loved the note you composed, so true. Even though, in my heart, I do believe he damaged me emotionally, I don't think that was his intent. I think he believed I knew the score with his marriage, accepted it, and was ok with it. I don't think he has any idea how much he hurt me. And part of me wants to tell him because I know it will bother him. But the other part wants to maintain my dignity and say nothing.

 

But I will never understand how someone can carry on an affair for so long with no intention of ever changing their home situation; makes no sense to me.

 

What you said about it hurting more to ignore his response (and I am positive that he would respond), really hit home with me. Ignoring his emails after I went NC was extremely difficult at the time.

 

Thanks for the advice.

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ladydesigner
E7, I totally agree that he's not going anywhere. His EA with me was a huge departure from the way he conducts his life. From what he told me, there was never much passion in the marriage; it is based on friendship, loyalty, family and of course, love of some kind. I believe that people make choices depending on what's important to them personally. And his family is more important to him than I am, plain and simple.

 

I just wish I could stop thinking about him.

 

 

Lady D, I'm with you on the closure thing while in friendship mode. It wasn't so much what he said than what he didn't say that was hurtful. I really don't want to contact him; I just want to find some peace with the whole thing.

 

Two years is a long time; did it happen gradually for you or did it take meeting someone else to wash the pain away? I'm happy to hear you've moved on with your life; it gives me hope.

 

I am an XMOW, still married. I reinvested all my energy back into my M. I had a revenge affair, my H has had a few A's. Not a pretty picture. 2 years is A LOT of time, but it took me that long to recover and we all heal differently. You will heal, just know that you will. Are you in any type of counseling? It definitely helps.

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Flabbergaster

I just wish I could stop thinking about him.

Yeah, I wish I could stop thinking about her. You're in good company, on this forum. Here's our guide:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

 

Even though, in my heart, I do believe he damaged me emotionally, I don't think that was his intent.

I'm sure it wasn't his intent. I know it wasn't my intent (as a MM). Unfortunately it was the result. He needs to let you go, if he cares about you as a person. Moving on hurts, it hurts a lot less than staying in this state.

 

I really don't want to contact him; I just want to find some peace with the whole thing.

Well, contacting him to say goodbye is the opposite direction of finding peace. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Went back for a visit recently; yup, still the opposite direction.

 

 

But I will never understand how someone can carry on an affair for so long with no intention of ever changing their home situation; makes no sense to me.

It won't help the pain, but here are possible reasons why:

1. men are pigs, you were a sexual outlet

2. men are dogs, you were an emotional outlet

3. He had strong feelings for you and didn't want to leave you; stay or go you are both in pain (staying hurts the OW/OM more, leaving hurts the MM/MW more)

 

Give yourself the benefit of doubt; claim 3 when you are insulted. Claim 1 when you need to be mad at him. Claim 2 when he tries to contact you and you need to remind yourself to ignore it.

 

Another thought...

You loved him, once. You do not dishonor that love by moving on with your life, by letting him slip away from your thoughts, by releasing the 'need' for him. That love existed, you benefited from it, moving on with your life honors that love. Staying in pain (with him or simply pining for him) dishonors that love.

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journeyeleven

Lady D,

 

Gosh, your husband's affairs must have been maddening and so hurtful for you. I can understand why those experiences would lead you into an affair of your own - looking for love in all the wrong places kind of thing. I guess some of us still believe love conquers all. Unfortunately, others have different ideas. I hope your marriage is getting better with all the work you're doing; you deserve the best.

 

No, I haven't sought counseling, but I will if things don't get better soon.

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findingnemo
Need for closure...you did everything you could. Tell yourself that nothing you could do differently would have changed this situation.

 

In my experience, whenever I managed to say "one last goodbye" to someone for closure...I find that it only made my pain worse (I'm talking about SOs in general, not just AP).

 

The most you should consider is to write a short to the point note.

Then...maybe send it to me, instead of to him.

If you send it to him...I would suggest you not answer any communication attempts at all.

If you send it to him...I think you might find that 'waiting for an answer' or 'ignoring the answers' both hurt more than where you are, right now.

 

If you do write a note...it might be good to leave it dry, without anything emotional or reminiscing.

 

Several months ago you and I were involved in a relationship which was emotionally damaging to me. This note is to formally state that you and I are no longer going to be involved. I am saying goodbye, and wishing you a good life. This is why I stopped communicating, abrubtly.

Please do not respond to this, or attempt to contact me in any way. Further contact with you will only cause me more pain. This is explicitly not a request to open dialogue about the damaging nature of that relationship.

 

Flabbergaster,

 

Such insightful and helpful posts!!:)

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journeyeleven

Well, contacting him to say goodbye is the opposite direction of finding peace. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Went back for a visit recently; yup, still the opposite direction.

What happened when you contacted her FG?

 

 

It won't help the pain, but here are possible reasons why:

1. men are pigs, you were a sexual outlet

2. men are dogs, you were an emotional outlet

3. He had strong feelings for you and didn't want to leave you; stay or go you are both in pain (staying hurts the OW/OM more, leaving hurts the MM/MW more)

 

Although we came close, we never actually completed the act, so I don't think #1 applies. But 2 and 3 do resonate with me. Guess I had a good ol' mushy labrador retriever on my hands.

 

 

And Flabbergaster, you said something I never even considered. That my leaving hurt HIM more than it does me. Is that, because he's still in an unfulfilling marriage? In any event, it does make me feel a little better that he may be suffering, too.

 

Id love to hear your story. Sounds like you loved the OW; why didn't you leave?

 

 

Another thought...

You loved him, once. You do not dishonor that love by moving on with your life, by letting him slip away from your thoughts, by releasing the 'need' for him. That love existed, you benefited from it, moving on with your life honors that love. Staying in pain (with him or simply pining for him) dishonors that love.

 

That is exactly where I want to be!

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desertIslandCactus
Hello all,

 

 

I was involved with a MM for about 4 years; he was my high school sweetheart – first love. He moved away from the area several years ago but we reconnected on a social network. We only saw each other a few times a year but were in touch daily. It was mainly an extremely intense EA, but there was some physical intimacy as well.

 

It got to the point where I couldn’t tolerate him telling me he loved me while staying married so we tried being friends instead for a while. I didn’t doubt that he loved me but I knew he would never do anything about it. Anyway, we continued to email for about a year, but naturally the tone changed. To be honest, I missed the closeness so the “friendship” started to bother me as much as the EA did, so I abruptly stopped emailing him 5 months ago. Never said goodbye, never said a word to him about it. I just had to end it but wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I also think I didn’t want him to cavalierly accept the situation and say his goodbyes to me. He continued to email me for a couple of months but I never answered and he never tried to call me to find out what was going on.

 

The problem is, I still think about him all the time and it's still painful. I don’t know how to get him out of my head. Did I make a mistake in not formally ending it? Would saying goodbye now help me to heal faster? Or should I just leave things as they are and slowly try to heal?

 

Journey, I respect that you have gone NC, stayed with NC - and as per opinions of LS members: to not communicate after the initial NC.

 

I've felt there should be closing or parting explanations. That in order to resume a comfortable NC, one should let the partner know where you stand.

 

When I did NC, I planned it for months in my mind. Finally when something happened that I considered the last straw .. I did a polite communication. I had already readied myself in the spirit - so nothing he could say would make me turn back .. He had the last words. It didn't bother me because I was more than ready to make my escape - and I comfortably proceded forward.

 

I do feel that the last words explanation are important for you. It would seem that in order to receive closure, one should also give it.

 

It appears that you are no longer in communication with him. But should he ever contact you for further explanation - you could just tell him something like: The A was hurtful to you emotionally, and you are expecting more for your life .. (or in your own words) ..

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fooled once
Hello all,

I was involved with a MM for about 4 years; he was my high school sweetheart – first love. He moved away from the area several years ago but we reconnected on a social network. We only saw each other a few times a year but were in touch daily. It was mainly an extremely intense EA, but there was some physical intimacy as well.

 

It got to the point where I couldn’t tolerate him telling me he loved me while staying married so we tried being friends instead for a while. I didn’t doubt that he loved me but I knew he would never do anything about it. Anyway, we continued to email for about a year, but naturally the tone changed. To be honest, I missed the closeness so the “friendship” started to bother me as much as the EA did, so I abruptly stopped emailing him 5 months ago. Never said goodbye, never said a word to him about it. I just had to end it but wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I also think I didn’t want him to cavalierly accept the situation and say his goodbyes to me. He continued to email me for a couple of months but I never answered and he never tried to call me to find out what was going on.

 

The problem is, I still think about him all the time and it's still painful. I don’t know how to get him out of my head. Did I make a mistake in not formally ending it? Would saying goodbye now help me to heal faster? Or should I just leave things as they are and slowly try to heal?

 

Closure comes from within. By contacting him to tell him to not contact you is game playing...wanting him to chase you.

 

Honestly I do not think saying goodbye would change anything. I think ANY contact would reopen those wounds and for all you know he may be really angry with you and say some things that would cause more pain for you.

 

When my XOM and I were in friend mode (he ended the A to stay with his long-term girlfriend) I would constantly seek some kind of closure, and EVERY time I got it IT HURT. I finally went NC and found MY closure, it was the best thing I ever did.

 

Keep moving forward with your progress as you have made it this far. Eventually it will not matter to you. As they say it takes time. It took me almost 2 years.

 

Hang in there:bunny:

 

LD is awesome!

 

Flabbergaster, I loved the note you composed, so true. Even though, in my heart, I do believe he damaged me emotionally, I don't think that was his intent. I think he believed I knew the score with his marriage, accepted it, and was ok with it. I don't think he has any idea how much he hurt me. And part of me wants to tell him because I know it will bother him. But the other part wants to maintain my dignity and say nothing.

But I will never understand how someone can carry on an affair for so long with no intention of ever changing their home situation; makes no sense to me.

 

What you said about it hurting more to ignore his response (and I am positive that he would respond), really hit home with me. Ignoring his emails after I went NC was extremely difficult at the time.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

What I put in bold, how can an OW carry on an affair so long knowing the guy is married and is making no move to leave?

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journeyeleven

Desert C,

 

Planning it out like that was a brilliant idea! That idea never occurred to me.

 

For us, emailing was our main means of communication. To say that each email I received from him (even in the "friendship phase) was emotionally charged is an understatement. And so, at the time, I believed that the only way to extricate myself was to go silent. I never could have pulled off what you did. Not then.

 

I'm happy to say that now, I am stronger. And if I had a do-over I would do just that.

 

Good job.

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desertIslandCactus
Desert C,

 

Planning it out like that was a brilliant idea! That idea never occurred to me.

 

For us, emailing was our main means of communication. To say that each email I received from him (even in the "friendship phase) was emotionally charged is an understatement. And so, at the time, I believed that the only way to extricate myself was to go silent. I never could have pulled off what you did. Not then.

 

I'm happy to say that now, I am stronger. And if I had a do-over I would do just that.

 

Good job.

 

You're doing great Journey .. because it Is a strengthening. :)

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Flabbergaster

LD is awesome!

Concur! very good advice.

 

What happened when you contacted her FG?

Contacted after LC when I could have figured out it was over, to say goodbye for closure. Hang up the phone...I feel even worse because "oh my god did i just say goodbye forever??"

Contacted in NC...and was ignored. So I spent like two days hoping for a response.

With this and after other breakups in my life (relationships, not affairs)...I have realized that my desire to say, "hello, i'm callling to say goodbye, definitively" is really an excuse to call and say "hello!"

 

Although we came close, we never actually completed the act, so I don't think #1 applies.

Thank god for that; be glad you're not worse off!

 

And Flabbergaster, you said something I never even considered. That my leaving hurt HIM more than it does me. Is that, because he's still in an unfulfilling marriage? In any event, it does make me feel a little better that he may be suffering, too.

Not sure who it hurt more; from your description of him it did hurt him. You were giving him attention that he enjoyed, now that's gone.

 

I would suggest that you don't tell yourself he has an unfulfilling marriage; that might encourage you to pine for him (oh, poor labrador! I feel bad for him...). Tell yourself he's married to a nobel prize physicist that made it to second round in Miss America contest, she can suck a golfball through a garden hose, and is immune from gaining weight or fat due to a genetic disorder. This will make it easier for you to move on.

 

Hmmm, this is probably good advice for OW that are still in an A, as well.

 

 

Id love to hear your story. Sounds like you loved the OW; why didn't you leave?

I might post it, in the next few weeks. Why didn't I leave the OW? I loved her too much. Then we kind of left each other, in a way. Why didn't I leave my W? The reasons couldn't possibly be good enough for the OW to avoid pain.

 

Yes, I love(d) OW intensely. I'm anticipating a very long recovery. Best way to move forward...no matter how much I hate it...is to go NC.

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journeyeleven
This is really key. Please, read this over and over until it sinks in.

 

Make this about YOU. How YOU feel. Don't worry yourself about what he is thinking. This is YOUR life -get on with it.

 

I don't know why I stayed involved with him for so long; maybe because I was in an unhappy LTR. We never talked about him leaving the marriage; I knew he didn't want to do that. Some things are understood by what the AP does not say to you. And I was always torn between wanting him to leave the marriage and not wanting him to. When I thought about the consequences of a divorce, I knew I was not prepared to deal with the fallout from that, for everyone involved.

 

And it took a long time before I could separate my feelings for him from the reality of the situation.

 

But I've done that. I'm just trying to find a way to stop thinking about him. And as one kind person on this forum advised, I simply need to go through the healing process. However long it takes. So anything people on this forum want to suggest along those lines is much appreciated. That's why I'm here. I'm not at all worried about him, I'm worried about ME. I do want to get on with my life.

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journeyeleven

FG, You're so right about staying NC. I don't want to say Hello. I don't.

 

Can't wait to hear your story.

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