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Commitment phobes love other commitment phobes


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I am realizing that I am the biggest commitment phobe in my relationships.

 

Throughout my life I've chosen abusive men, men who wanted FWB only. men who could only offer me long distance relationships and my most recent xMM.

 

When I was younger, I met the guys who wanted to settle down and have a family and I always rebuffed them to date guys who live 8 hours away or who wanted FWB. Now I'm 42 and although I really thought my xMM and I would end up together for life, I'm sure that deep down, subconciously, I knew we wouldn't and that's why I stayed with him.

 

I've had years of therapy and I can pinpoint WHY or WHERE the commitment phobia comes from, but I can't seem to change it.

 

I was the caregiver of my entire family as I was growing up. My younger brother had a childhood illness and both parents were alcoholics, my mom was also bi-polar. I basically cared for my parents and brother and was like the wife/mother in my family. To my concious knowledge I was never sexaully abused, but I did emotionally play the role of the wife to my father, as my mom was unable to.

 

When I left home at age 17, I wanted nothing to do with any male who wanted to marry and start a family. This continued into my 20s until I finally did marry a controlling abuser whom I had to leave. Since then,

I've had other options of being with men who would treat me better, but I've always chosen the guy who could give me crumbs, that way I'd never have to get too close or marry him.

 

So, I'm aware of why I do this, but I want to stop. I've had counseling out the wazoo. I'm healthy and function in every other way except for when it comes to choosing a mate. I'm currently trying online dating and guess what...the only guys I want are the military guys who are getting ready to deploy overseas! I want to change my ability to choose, but don't know how.

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I get it sunset....as I see some of myself in this. Sometimes the thing that we want most is the thing that we are afraid of the most and we sabotage ourselves. I never have had much faith in long term relationships as I did not have a good example growing up.

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Have you tried CBT? Cognitive behaviour therapy? Just something to think about it.

 

It sounds like you're the cavegiver, the giver, the one to put others first all the time. Let me ask, do you let people in, friends etc, to help you? How do you react to someone asking you "what can I do to help you?" I know it seems silly, but reaction can be telling in how you process how close someone gets to you on a certain level, that 'need'. Hope this makes sense, it does in my head but somtimes when it comes out in words it doesn't!

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I used to be allergic to commitment (as opposed to afraid of it) but have landed up with someone whose middle name is commitment.

 

When you meet "the right person", you adapt.

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BB07, that video was SO FUNNY!! I needed to laugh like that.

 

And whichwayisup, you are on to something..I never let anyone help me. I just can't do it. If someone asks me if I need help, I always say "no, I've got it..." It's an afraid to be vulnerable thing but also a control things as well. No one can take care of me better than I can take care of me and sometimes I've got a chip on my shoulder and think "no one ever has taken care of me (as in parents ). Now at 42, I'm too old to blame my parents for anything, I'm in charge of my life now.

 

CBT does sound good. I'm trying to work on my thoughts as I do believe one's thoughts create one's reality.

 

And...although that youtube video was hilarious, I don't want to be 90 years old, singing that song. Speaking of 90 years old, many of us know that Jack Lalane passed this week, at age 96. He had been happily married for 51 years, which means that he and his wife were in their 40's when they married...so there's hope. I just have to somehow challenge myself to expect better.

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Why not just accept that you don't like commitment and find men who feel the same. Have your fun and stop trying to force something that isn't there.

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I am realizing that I am the biggest commitment phobe in my relationships.

 

Throughout my life I've chosen abusive men, men who wanted FWB only. men who could only offer me long distance relationships and my most recent xMM.

 

When I was younger, I met the guys who wanted to settle down and have a family and I always rebuffed them to date guys who live 8 hours away or who wanted FWB. Now I'm 42 and although I really thought my xMM and I would end up together for life, I'm sure that deep down, subconciously, I knew we wouldn't and that's why I stayed with him.

 

I've had years of therapy and I can pinpoint WHY or WHERE the commitment phobia comes from, but I can't seem to change it.

 

I was the caregiver of my entire family as I was growing up. My younger brother had a childhood illness and both parents were alcoholics, my mom was also bi-polar. I basically cared for my parents and brother and was like the wife/mother in my family. To my concious knowledge I was never sexaully abused, but I did emotionally play the role of the wife to my father, as my mom was unable to.

 

When I left home at age 17, I wanted nothing to do with any male who wanted to marry and start a family. This continued into my 20s until I finally did marry a controlling abuser whom I had to leave. Since then,

I've had other options of being with men who would treat me better, but I've always chosen the guy who could give me crumbs, that way I'd never have to get too close or marry him.

 

So, I'm aware of why I do this, but I want to stop. I've had counseling out the wazoo. I'm healthy and function in every other way except for when it comes to choosing a mate. I'm currently trying online dating and guess what...the only guys I want are the military guys who are getting ready to deploy overseas! I want to change my ability to choose, but don't know how.

 

 

SR...I am totally where you are at, although I think it says a lot that you desire a R...really I don't think you are the problem. I think it is like OWoman said, which is what I am finding true for me also...when the right one comes your commitment phobia will cease.

 

R are a risk, some like to keep a safe distance...those are mostlikely the ones you want to avoid. Maybe you don't like to move too quickly especially with someone you don't know (that's how I am) I like to study a person...maybe the ones that are deploying are the best ones for you....this way you can get to know them...

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I agree. I never saw myself long term with anyone I was dating until I got to know MM.

 

Sometimes even a ONS can feel like an eternity... :eek:

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Sometimes even a ONS can feel like an eternity... :eek:

I've had the same problem most of my life. I don't know about you...but for me deep down the behaviour has to do with fear - of being vulnerable, exposed, being real, dealing with problems as they come and not running away. I always kept my distance in relationships and when I did live with someone it was very difficult for me. When you unconsiously pick men who are emotionally or physically unavailable its safe...as much as you want closeness there is no real threat emotionally as much because you an feel your feelings at a distance but they will never really be tested or go further because the other person is unwilling or unable. The way through is to find someone who has a desire to be vulnerable and forse yourself to stick with it for a while even if you feel the urge to run...you must challenge your normal tendancies to distance yourself. When you consistently do this you actually start to become vulnerable...its scary but your ability to love and be close is possible really by challenging yourr own behaviour. You can then after a while choose to be or not be with someone at anny time but the key to moving past aloofness and emotional isolation is by being present and staying real in your interactions....

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Nadine, you are right and sometimes I can't/don't even feel my feelings. It's as if I see them in little pop up bubbles around me, but I don't feel them with my own heart. I can see that I should be feeling loved, anger, hurt etc but my own body feels numb. Later, the feelings do catch up with me, but usually it's too late to respond to them by the time they do.

 

I think I do need to force myself to be vulnerable, and at the same time, I don't want to end up using or hurting some guy while I try my vulnerability experiment. Yet, at the same time, if I don't push myself a little, I'll never be with anyone.

 

I don't want to be a commitment phobe, yet everytime I've met an available guy, I've found reasons why he and I would never work. Yet, when I meet a separated man or someone who's getting ready to move 3000 miles away, suddenly I decide he's the one. I am so F-ed up, maybe there's not even any hope for me. I probably should leave available/decent men alone as I'm not worthy of them.

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