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$7500 The cost of a DNA test and all the lawyering.


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I went and spoke with a associate lawyer in the law firm of Jeffery M. Leving. After listening to my case and seeing the pictures of the boy I was told what my options are.

 

The most compelling was one picture where the boy looks like my spitting image. As he has aged his African Ameican features have come out more and more. At this rate by the time he's 12 or 14 he will look just like his father. As all the sons in my family do.

 

At any rate it will cost me 7500 to establish paternity with a DNA test. Severyal motions would need to be filed. Such as a motion for discovery to find out if any other legal father exist anywhere in the world. (Not just Illinois I already know IL has no record of a father for the boy). Another motion is needed for the DNA test. ETC ETC.

 

I was assured that under the circumstances I would not be held accountable for the lost time. I have done everything that someone of my modest means ( a graduate student...broke) could do. I have no othe real options because the other lawyers I have spoken to will not take my case.

 

So I have one modest request. Unlees you are a lawyer and willing to take this case pro bono. Unlees you are willing to pass the plate and help me get that retainer GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT THE KID.

 

I am doing everything I can.

 

I feel so powerless I feel so powerless and helpless to be there for my son.

 

I held him when he was in the ****ty diaper phase of his life. I loved him and I admit her when they were not smelling so good. Now I stand about to have what little I had taken from me. He is my blood my bone ,my flesh. At times I don't know weather to love or hate his mother for what she has done.

 

I have had so many years to deal with this that I am not out of sorts but it really hurts still. It will always hurt.

 

I was another man once before. I was supposed to be one last fling other than her arranged/betrothed Pakistani groom. Now I am, for life, a marked man...I will the assumed a deadbeat N1443R the horrible black man that I was stereotyped as.

 

So please as I do the one course of action I can afford to salvage this situation. Please please get off my case about this unless you are willing to really help.

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Wow MLO...your post is heartwrenching...my heart goes out you BTW :(

 

At the risk of saying something that might have been said in your last thread, they do have those mail order DNA things that only require the child and possible parent...is there any way that you could see him, get a DNA sample?

 

Please don't loose hope, I serve a God that can change my world and yours in a NY minute ((((((((hugs))))))) really big (((((((((((hugs))))))))

 

You aren't marked for life...screw people and judgemental labeling, so what, you made a mistake, oh well, it sounds like the people in your life need to get over it or maybe you should not be around them. You don't need people in your life that are not in your corner!

 

Hey, you've got a middle finger, right? Use it, I'm going to

Edited by pureinheart
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My lawyer told me that a DNA test outside of the court system would not be useful for legal purposes. It would not be admissible as evidence. Further there is no way I can get to see him right now. I haven't seen him in person in five or six years.

 

She kept me in the loop with pictures online. A connection she was reluctant to cut and has not totally severed. She blocked everyone in my family except my mother and created a second account for her so she could snoop on me. Damm facebook.

 

I just does not seem fair. I was the one there for the ****ty diaper phase of his life. Now that parenting him will be easier some guy may just get to cozy up and become "father". That is the cruelest blow of all. She has every right to do what she wants with herself....but not with him.

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MLO,

 

I sympathize with your position. $7500 is a lot of money, and what she's doing is wrong.

 

Still, I can not understand your perspective of defeat. $7500 is not so much money that it needs to come between you and your child. Almost any healthy, single adult can scrape together that much money in 1-2 years with sacrifice and hard work.

 

I am on your side. I don't think I could be on your side and say "You're right. $7500 is an impossible sum. You should give up." As a parent, I can't imagine that amt of money coming between me and my child. Everything --including continuing grad school--would be on the table.

 

Think of it this way--if he were already in your home, and she were threatening to take him away now, and it would cost $7500 to fight it....would you give up?

 

In 20 years, when he is a grown man, what will you wish you'd done right now?

 

I just does not seem fair. I was the one there for the ****ty diaper phase of his life. Now that parenting him will be easier some guy may just get to cozy up and become "father". That is the cruelest blow of all. She has every right to do what she wants with herself....but not with him.

 

On a lighter note, the diaper years are the easiest years! :p As the adage goes--small children, small problems. Big children, big problems! But you need to find that our firsthand.

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bentnotbroken
My lawyer told me that a DNA test outside of the court system would not be useful for legal purposes. It would not be admissible as evidence. Further there is no way I can get to see him right now. I haven't seen him in person in five or six years.

 

She kept me in the loop with pictures online. A connection she was reluctant to cut and has not totally severed. She blocked everyone in my family except my mother and created a second account for her so she could snoop on me. Damm facebook.

 

I just does not seem fair. I was the one there for the ****ty diaper phase of his life. Now that parenting him will be easier some guy may just get to cozy up and become "father". That is the cruelest blow of all. She has every right to do what she wants with herself....but not with him.

:lmao::lmao::lmao:Now that is funny.

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@xxoo

 

In 1-2 years who knows. What I know is that in that timeframe she could have married someone else, and then as a couple the could adopt the kid. Which would terminate my rights. I will work to get enough money to retain a lawyer.... I just feel, right now, utterly powerless.

 

@bentnotbroken

 

You have to admit that it's one thing to say you want to be the father of a infant/toddler VS the father of a young, potty trained, child who can feed, and clothe and take care of himself to an extent. Right?

 

I held him as a baby now I may never see him again. It's just not fair.

 

Edited to add____________

 

Today I am feeling pretty $hitty about the whole situation. I have asked my parents for help and they are of the opinion that I should just let go. The child will come looking for his biological father when he is of age "they always do". That does not satisfy me. But I guess life is not always satisfying.

 

I don't know how long it's going to take for me to grieve for this properly. This is not like any breakup.... since for as long as I live...he will be alive and he will be my son.

 

As for his mother and I. At this point I just hope that in the future...probably when we are all much older....we can be civil and reasonable if nothing else. After all we made a human life together.

Edited by Mrlonelyone
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I haven't followed your story, but I noticed you brought up the ****ty diapers thing more than once.

 

Being a parent requires dealing with ****ty diapers. It's not as if you deserve a blue ribbon or gold star for dealing with that. I'm confused why you think that's so impartant that you keep bringing it up, like you feel entitled to something because you changed some diapers.:confused:

 

You have to admit that it's one thing to say you want to be the father of a infant/toddler VS the father of a young, potty trained, child who can feed, and clothe and take care of himself to an extent. Right?

IS this a joke? I guess you were completely independent the second you could dress and feed yourself, right? :rolleyes: Edited by jthorne
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I am going to forgive what you said because as you said you don't know the whole story.

 

In short..... I was GLAD to be there for the ****ty diaper phase. HER FAMILY INFLUDENCED HER TO WALK AWAY FROM ME.

 

Oh and by the way being a biological father entitles me under the laws of every country on earth. Yes my DNA being used means something. NO OTHER MAN WILL HAVE SUCH AN INDISSOLVEABLE BOND with that kid.

 

Feelings change.

People fall in and out of love.

Diamonds get cut and sold,

but DNA is forever.

 

I am stuck with the kid weather he's with me or not...I would rather he was with me.

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I'm sorry but it still sounds like you are making excuses with regard to your assumed son. $7500 is less than you would have been having to pay in child support of these years, less than you would have spent on his clothes, food, education, entertainment, etc. if he had been living with you or if you had been spending time with him. I really don't want to be mean but I am wondering why you haven't been saving up money and making it your top priority because you anticipated a legal battle and plus having kids = needing money to care for them.

 

And I will say what I told you before, you don't need a lawyer. Just tell the woman that you need to find out if this is your son or not, that it is really bothering you and if you can't find out you are going to start asking around and sharing your concerns. This is not some kind of blackmail, illegal or immoral or whatever you want to claim it is to keep you from doing it -- this is what a person who really believes a child is his would and should do. Shout it from the rooftops if you have to. There's NOTHING illegal about that. I just meant that from what you have written it sounds like she would much prefer to keep it quiet and discreet than have you go that route so she has a motivation to work with you. These things can be done if you have enough motivation. IMHO it seems you are afraid to confront her about the child because this means she won't like you anymore. Tough luck, if it's your child and you want to be his father and in his life than you need to do whatever necessary to prove it. Good luck.

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None of that changes that I don't have $7500. I am a graduate student. I have been a broke student living the life of a starving artist all these years too. I just don't have the money.

 

It's not like I have been socking away all the money I would have made if I took a job to support a family. I would have worked shoveling **** in a fertilizer factory if it was all I could get to support them. I told her this. To which she asked "Why are you so devoted to me" (as if that's a negative).

 

Star Bright

You are acting as if the woman I am dealing with will behave in the way of a American woman. You just don't understand her mindset.

 

Further all that stuff you wrote about confronting her. If a man does that to a woman he will get arrested, perhaps even have an order of protection placed against him. It would not solve anything. You really need to get a look at what men face in situations like this. This is one area in which it is not a mans world.

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My lawyer told me that a DNA test outside of the court system would not be useful for legal purposes. It would not be admissible as evidence. Further there is no way I can get to see him right now. I haven't seen him in person in five or six years.

 

She kept me in the loop with pictures online. A connection she was reluctant to cut and has not totally severed. She blocked everyone in my family except my mother and created a second account for her so she could snoop on me. Damm facebook.

 

I just does not seem fair. I was the one there for the ****ty diaper phase of his life. Now that parenting him will be easier some guy may just get to cozy up and become "father". That is the cruelest blow of all. She has every right to do what she wants with herself....but not with him.

 

OMG, your mother...oh man...what is going on is beyond cruel MLO. It is just so abnormal not to want you to have a relationship with your son. I would have given anything if my exes would have been in my kids lives.

 

It really messed up my kids and it was horrible at the time for me because as the parent that is there, I got a lot taken out on me. My kids are ok now, they have come to reasonable terms with the past, although now they know the truth, who the real culprit was...I can guarantee you the truth will come out eventually.

 

I know it sucks...anything I say concerning that justice will be served is definitely no consolation right now. Even though I had my kids, it was hell being blamed and actually being almost hated by my son...I had to bite my tongue A LOT!

 

There is a good possibility she could loose him when he is older, once he knows the truth...and no matter what she says, when he comes to a point of understanding, he'll know in his heart.

 

The point to this is to encourage you NOT to loose heart, it sounds like you might be close to that, and that in itself concerns me.

 

The coolest supervisor I ever had in my life used to say when one of us had issues, or being accused of something , that if we were in the right, all would turn out well. It was almost like he was saying the words with a prophetic anointing behind them because we all know that justice is not always served...but since him, I saw too many incidents that came out WAY too good simply due to his words...I mean, they follow me to this day....also a co-worker used to see me in fear and despair (I was constantly getting laid off from work) and tell me to ask God to protect my finances or whatever I was in fear of...those words too have carried me like you wouldn't believe.

 

With that, I am passing on the anointing and wisdom of these men unto you...you will see a good outcome, sooner than you think...so many times God has been behind the scenes working out every detail for my good.

 

I can't even imagine how your mother feels...please give her a hug from your LS friend...((((((Hugs)))))) MLO

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@pureinheart.

 

I asked my mother for the money and she refused to give it. She basically says the boy will come looking for me when he's older. I would rather not bank on that.

 

My parents haven't be very helpful. It's like they take the whole thing as a personal effront to them. i.e. Their never meeting her in person as she was afraid to come to my part of town. (Its black and working class but not Ghetto). They basically have a very low opinion of the woman. My father will after so long of hearing me talk about this ask me why I could not get with an American woman. Their attitude is that I am somehow better off without the two of them, it's not my responsibility morally or legally... She walked so it's all on her. So they say.

 

I think they are more concerned that I will be able to spend my money on them in their old age.

 

Thankyou for your message though. I am close to loosing all heart and faith in people over this. It really hurts to have people call me a deadbeat when I was there. I was there and I was the one walked away from and not even acknowledged as being father. (even though I was called uncle by the children of my almost inlaws.)

Edited by Mrlonelyone
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I'm not in a position to help in either direction, unless you want some really piss-poor representation, but I at least have an idea that you may want to consider to help you feel less helpless. While you can't be there for every birthday or Christmas, you could buy cards and write heartfelt messages in them. Don't send them since you can't be sure he'd get them, but instead tuck them away for when he turns 18 and you can seek him out, if he doesn't seek you first. You will be able to hand him proof that he was always on your mind and that you loved him in spite of the circumstances. You could also set up a savings account and add to it little by little. Should you ever be proven to be the father, it will provide solid evidence that you wanted to provide in some way.

 

The above is just something constructive for you to start at least until you can scrape up the funds or another opportunity comes along that allows you to be an active part of his life. I hope you don't take this as me getting on your back about him, but just trying to be helpful. :)

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I'm not in a position to help in either direction, unless you want some really piss-poor representation, but I at least have an idea that you may want to consider to help you feel less helpless. While you can't be there for every birthday or Christmas, you could buy cards and write heartfelt messages in them. Don't send them since you can't be sure he'd get them, but instead tuck them away for when he turns 18 and you can seek him out, if he doesn't seek you first. You will be able to hand him proof that he was always on your mind and that you loved him in spite of the circumstances. You could also set up a savings account and add to it little by little. Should you ever be proven to be the father, it will provide solid evidence that you wanted to provide in some way.

 

The above is just something constructive for you to start at least until you can scrape up the funds or another opportunity comes along that allows you to be an active part of his life. I hope you don't take this as me getting on your back about him, but just trying to be helpful. :)

 

Thankyou for the heartfelt advice. Those are things I would like to do, and will try to do.

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MLO, have you checked with legal or a contacted a local law school to see if they have a low-cost legal clinic? Another option would be to see if you can represent yourself pro se. Since you're in grad school, you probably have the smarts to fill out any paperwork and you may be able to get a paralegal help you with any forms you can't figure out.

 

Just as you don't have $7500 to invest in this, chances are that the mom doesn't have the money to lawyer up, either. You never know; just telling the mom that you are planning legal action against her may be enough to spur her to sign the paperwork necessary to declare you the father without having to go through a protracted legal battle.

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I don't know about that.

 

Her family has gone to great lenth's to deny what I think is evident from looking at the child. She would not be on her own in this. Her family would likley help "defend her honor". While I would be on my own in fighting this. Plus from what the laywer I consulted with told me I would have to file suit in the county she lives in, a good distance away from me.

 

This would not be easy, not by any means.

 

I could do what you say Carrot. But not right now. Right now I need to get my MS done. Once that is done then maybe I will have all the time it would take to do that.

 

I do have to admit that having a lawyer do these things also allows me to be detached.

 

The way she will see it and the way her family will see it.... I will be ruining and disrupting her life. I will be the horrible person humiliating her. I will personally be the one going after her in court if I go pro se. Last if I end up facing a lawyer of her's I'll get utterly destroyed.

 

i.e. I get the DNA test but end up paying child support and not getting any visitation.

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I'm sorry but it still sounds like you are making excuses with regard to your assumed son. $7500 is less than you would have been having to pay in child support of these years, less than you would have spent on his clothes, food, education, entertainment, etc. if he had been living with you or if you had been spending time with him. I really don't want to be mean but I am wondering why you haven't been saving up money and making it your top priority because you anticipated a legal battle and plus having kids = needing money to care for them.

 

And I will say what I told you before, you don't need a lawyer. Just tell the woman that you need to find out if this is your son or not, that it is really bothering you and if you can't find out you are going to start asking around and sharing your concerns. This is not some kind of blackmail, illegal or immoral or whatever you want to claim it is to keep you from doing it -- this is what a person who really believes a child is his would and should do. Shout it from the rooftops if you have to. There's NOTHING illegal about that. I just meant that from what you have written it sounds like she would much prefer to keep it quiet and discreet than have you go that route so she has a motivation to work with you. These things can be done if you have enough motivation. IMHO it seems you are afraid to confront her about the child because this means she won't like you anymore. Tough luck, if it's your child and you want to be his father and in his life than you need to do whatever necessary to prove it. Good luck.

 

Agree.

 

NOTHING would stop me from being with my kid.

 

It sounds as if you are putting your education ahead of getting the money to find out if this child is even yours; you are making assumptions. You have no proof, besides a photo that you state looks like you. Pictures looking alike doesn't equal being related. My brother's son looks just like him - and my nephew is adopted.

 

Get a job, get 2 jobs - do what you have to to get the money together if you are serious about this. See about getting a bank loan.

 

I personally would move heaven and earth to find out if my child was in this world and then I would move heaven and earth to ensure my child is in my life.

 

And yeah, diapers are the easy stage. The hard work starts around 2 and doesn't stop ... ever.

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It is difficult for me to understand your commitment to school all these years when the son issue has been unaddressed. It does seem to suggest that your education was the higher priority over these years.

 

Many parents--me included--halt or otherwise alter educational plans because kids enter the picture and need the resources first. If you were willing to shovel poop to support them, why wouldn't you do the same to claim your son alone?

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It is difficult for me to understand your commitment to school all these years when the son issue has been unaddressed. It does seem to suggest that your education was the higher priority over these years.

 

Many parents--me included--halt or otherwise alter educational plans because kids enter the picture and need the resources first. If you were willing to shovel poop to support them, why wouldn't you do the same to claim your son alone?

 

 

It was not obvious he was my child when he was born. I am black a child of mine would have at least curly hair, and his was straight. What I did not realize is that the curls can develop over time.

 

When he was born and less than two years old he looked totally Pakistani. Even the lawyer said so about his baby pictures.

 

In fact her brother insisted that I could not be the father. I took his word for it at one point and just got on with my life. Besides the had taken her and moved her far far away from me. We had only email contact. The whole thing just peter'ed out at that point. I stuck around in one way shape or form until the child was three.

 

Now I see him in pictures his hair is curly.

His nose is of a more African type, which while not unheard of in south Asia, is not common among Pakistani's.

 

His overall look and features actually favor me more than his mother at this point. Now that he's 7, the lawyer even said he's now the spitting image of me.

 

The resemblance is so strong that I am now sure I was lied to by her family. Until now I had no good reason other than a sneaking suspicion to think that child was definitely my son.

Edited by Mrlonelyone
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I am going to forgive what you said because as you said you don't know the whole story.

 

In short..... I was GLAD to be there for the ****ty diaper phase. HER FAMILY INFLUDENCED HER TO WALK AWAY FROM ME.

 

Oh and by the way being a biological father entitles me under the laws of every country on earth. Yes my DNA being used means something. NO OTHER MAN WILL HAVE SUCH AN INDISSOLVEABLE BOND with that kid.

 

Feelings change.

People fall in and out of love.

Diamonds get cut and sold,

but DNA is forever.

 

I am stuck with the kid weather he's with me or not...I would rather he was with me.

 

I too am wondering what's wrong with the **itty diaper stage? It's when a child is getting to know you and you knowing him/her. They are more dependent on you than ever in most circumstances.

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In fact her brother insisted that I could not be the father. I took his word for it at one point and just got on with my life. Besides the had taken her and moved her far far away from me. We had only email contact. The whole thing just peter'ed out at that point. I stuck around in one way shape or form until the child was three.

 

 

You let "the whole thing" dissolve? We're talking about a child here!

 

You should have fought immediately, you should have made sure whether or not the boy is yours and not just ''move on with your life''. This tells me that regardless of the fact that you changed his diapers you have not bonded with him at all. Fatherhood is more than DNA, a lot more.

 

I can't have any sympathy for people who walk around this Earth not caring about possibly having a child somewhere out there. And you were one of them.... you didn't know if he was or wasn't yours - it wasn't tearing you apart?!

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I too am wondering what's wrong with the **itty diaper stage? It's when a child is getting to know you and you knowing him/her. They are more dependent on you than ever in most circumstances.

 

I know. I got to know him pretty well too.

 

However since I was never legally established or claimed as the father I had no rights. She was able to take him and just walk away from me. That's the problem.

 

I put in all kinds of work. I was willing. Last but not least if I am the Biological father then that gives me a superior interest in his welfare that interpersonal relationships cannot take from me.

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You let "the whole thing" dissolve? We're talking about a child here!

 

Tell her that. She also let the whole thing dissolve right?

 

She did not claim me (or anyone else) as the father. She was OK with out having a father figure of any kid for the kid at all for YEARS.

 

She did not pursue me for child support or anything did not claim me (or anyone else) as the father in any way at all.

 

She walked away from me. Under pressure from a family that had some racist ideas about black people.

 

 

You should have fought immediately, you should have made sure whether or not the boy is yours and not just ''move on with your life''. This tells me that regardless of the fact that you changed his diapers you have not bonded with him at all. Fatherhood is more than DNA, a lot more.

 

Trust me I was even broker at 24 and 25 than I am at 30. Then I wasn't even a full graduate student. I was working a telemarketing job for just enough to stay out of official poverty.

 

I could not afford a lawyer then and I cannot afford one now.

 

I can't have any sympathy for people who walk around this Earth not caring about possibly having a child somewhere out there. And you were one of them.... you didn't know if he was or wasn't yours - it wasn't tearing you apart?!

 

I did not walk away from him. She walked away from me.

 

Let me ask anyone who says what this poster has said the following. Does she not have some responsibility to make sure that the Biological father is involved at least paying support?

 

Look at this from a man's perspective.

 

This woman had a child by one man.

 

Now this woman is going to have another man... a more socially acceptable man pay for and raise him.

 

Now that it may be that she feels herself to not be a hot young thing and free to socialize. Now that it's good for her to settle down.

 

In a certain way she has acted all about her her her her.

 

While her child cries for his aunt uncle and cousins. She is just fooling around with this guy.

 

If one wants to spin this negative don't assume that she's the virgin Marry defiled by a horrible black guy!

 

However I am more forgiving and do not think any of that of her.

 

I know she did not want to marry the dude she was betrhothed to. Fooled around with me to have a baby with someone she choose herself.

 

Then when I came around just did not want to get married... or even hold me responsible for something she thought of as being her decision. To have our baby and carry him to term.

 

I was there. I changed those diapers. I held him. I thought of him as my son, and was called an uncle by her brothers children. I stepped up in every way. I found a job near where they lived, and bought a car that would be good for a family.

 

My parents talked of remodeling our garage into a garage with a apartment on the second floor just for us.

 

We were on our way..... Then her family moved her and the child away.

 

I WANTED TO BE THERE. I JUST DID NOT HAVE THE MONEY TO ENFORCE MY RIGHTS. I AM NOT A LAWYER STOP ACTING AS IF BEING A SCIENTIST = BEING A LAWYER.

Edited by Mrlonelyone
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Short of you being a raging crackhead, I doubt you will be denied visitation. When you finish school, you should definitely explore your rights as a father.

 

http://www.illinoislegalaid.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.dsp_content&contentID=5004#

 

The operative word in the forms you have there is that they involve the

 

Voulntary acknowledgement of paternity. If she was willing to go that route she would have said "H you are the father of my child sign this." I would have said sure. years ago.

 

Remember the mother DOES NOT WANT TO ADMIT I AM THE FATHER.

 

Think back to a attitude towards black people that belongs in 1940 or 1930 and not 2010. You know... a culture that frowns on mixing with certain darker skinned races. (Which is odd since they are as dark as I am).

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