Throwing the MM under the bus???

[Nissu]

Hi, I'm a new poster but could really use some advice and perspective....I was in a long term R with MM. Some things happened professionally and personally between us that affected our relationship that I was bitter about. I went NC in August & basically said I didn't want him to contact me unless he was ready to leave his marriage. He texted me regularly but I never waivered until Christmas. A simple Merry Christmas from him got me sucked right back in. Ever since then we were exchanging texts, he was talking about future plans for us to spend time together again, trips, ball games, dinners, he saying he missed me, needed me, blah blah. Finally I agreed to see him yesterday. Two hours before we were meeting, he texted something to the effect that he knows I harbor a lot of anger about certain things and his life hasn't & isn't going to change (ie: I'm not leaving BW) and he would understand if I was not comfortable seeing him. I flipped out. I was like, "WTF? What were you expecting tonight? If you weren't ready to deal with the marriage issue why did you suck me back in? Oh, I get it, its because you wanted to f**k, your dick misses me!". Then I said if he contacts me again, I'm going to introduce myself to his wife. He replied with "you don't understand a thing, you really don't, but don't worry I won't contact you".

 

I'm so pissed off now that I want to print our emails & send them to his wife so he can suffer her anger and resentment. I don't care if they stay together or divorce or whatever. I'm out of the picture. I sacrificed a lot professionally for this man and got screwed (no pun intended) and he has been eating cake for the last four years. I'm feeling pretty vindictive right now and vengeful. So has anyone outed their MM to the BW and let the "chips fall where they may"? I have nothing to lose but definitely some satisfaction to gain if his world is turned upside down the way mine was that he caused and did nothing to try to stop (even though it was within his power). Anyone with perspective on this? I'm not normally a nasty person and struggling a bit with upsetting the BW. Their marriage was troubled before I ever entered the picture and MM suspects she may have an affair partner herself.

[half_ofa_heart]

Hi, I'm a new poster but could really use some advice and perspective....I was in a long term R with MM. Some things happened professionally and personally between us that affected our relationship that I was bitter about. I went NC in August & basically said I didn't want him to contact me unless he was ready to leave his marriage. He texted me regularly but I never waivered until Christmas. A simple Merry Christmas from him got me sucked right back in. Ever since then we were exchanging texts, he was talking about future plans for us to spend time together again, trips, ball games, dinners, he saying he missed me, needed me, blah blah. Finally I agreed to see him yesterday. Two hours before we were meeting, he texted something to the effect that he knows I harbor a lot of anger about certain things and his life hasn't & isn't going to change (ie: I'm not leaving BW) and he would understand if I was not comfortable seeing him. I flipped out. I was like, "WTF? What were you expecting tonight? If you weren't ready to deal with the marriage issue why did you suck me back in? Oh, I get it, its because you wanted to f**k, your dick misses me!". Then I said if he contacts me again, I'm going to introduce myself to his wife. He replied with "you don't understand a thing, you really don't, but don't worry I won't contact you".

 

I'm so pissed off now that I want to print our emails & send them to his wife so he can suffer her anger and resentment. I don't care if they stay together or divorce or whatever. I'm out of the picture. I sacrificed a lot professionally for this man and got screwed (no pun intended) and he has been eating cake for the last four years. I'm feeling pretty vindictive right now and vengeful. So has anyone outed their MM to the BW and let the "chips fall where they may"? I have nothing to lose but definitely some satisfaction to gain if his world is turned upside down the way mine was that he caused and did nothing to try to stop (even though it was within his power). Anyone with perspective on this? I'm not normally a nasty person and struggling a bit with upsetting the BW. Their marriage was troubled before I ever entered the picture and MM suspects she may have an affair partner herself.

 

Just like sending a nasty email based all on emotion, step back a moment and take a deep breath. write it, save as a draft and tomorrow after a good night's sleep and you are without ANGER, if you still feel like sending it then send it.

[Confused4Now]

Hi, I'm a new poster but could really use some advice and perspective....I was in a long term R with MM. Some things happened professionally and personally between us that affected our relationship that I was bitter about. I went NC in August & basically said I didn't want him to contact me unless he was ready to leave his marriage. He texted me regularly but I never waivered until Christmas. A simple Merry Christmas from him got me sucked right back in. Ever since then we were exchanging texts, he was talking about future plans for us to spend time together again, trips, ball games, dinners, he saying he missed me, needed me, blah blah. Finally I agreed to see him yesterday. Two hours before we were meeting, he texted something to the effect that he knows I harbor a lot of anger about certain things and his life hasn't & isn't going to change (ie: I'm not leaving BW) and he would understand if I was not comfortable seeing him. I flipped out. I was like, "WTF? What were you expecting tonight? If you weren't ready to deal with the marriage issue why did you suck me back in? Oh, I get it, its because you wanted to f**k, your dick misses me!". Then I said if he contacts me again, I'm going to introduce myself to his wife. He replied with "you don't understand a thing, you really don't, but don't worry I won't contact you".

 

I'm so pissed off now that I want to print our emails & send them to his wife so he can suffer her anger and resentment. I don't care if they stay together or divorce or whatever. I'm out of the picture. I sacrificed a lot professionally for this man and got screwed (no pun intended) and he has been eating cake for the last four years. I'm feeling pretty vindictive right now and vengeful. So has anyone outed their MM to the BW and let the "chips fall where they may"? I have nothing to lose but definitely some satisfaction to gain if his world is turned upside down the way mine was that he caused and did nothing to try to stop (even though it was within his power). Anyone with perspective on this? I'm not normally a nasty person and struggling a bit with upsetting the BW. Their marriage was troubled before I ever entered the picture and MM suspects she may have an affair partner herself.

Please don't...you really are going to look like some psycho crazy lady to his W. He'll probably spin some BS story that you threaten to expose him and he'd been trying to get out of this affair for years.

To answer your question....I actually knocked on my xMW's door when supposedly they were separated for 6 months. He was coming around way to often for it to be a separation. Then one night I wanted to get my answers. That got me was thrown under the bus. All the good things which I did as being her support person was immediately erased with xMW and not to mention her sisters which I met. Can you imagine what they thought of me?

 

Well to make a long story short I stayed with her for almost 2 years and they are still together...so best answer is don't do it. Walk away...with some dignity. I understand your emotions are high and he's a passive aggressive jerk.

[East7]

I was like, "WTF? What were you expecting tonight? If you weren't ready to deal with the marriage issue why did you suck me back in? Oh, I get it, its because you wanted to f**k, your dick misses me!".

 

Exactly !

 

 

I sacrificed a lot professionally for this man and got screwed (no pun intended) and he has been eating cake for the last four years.

 

..Time to run away ASAP. Revenge would be another time waste.

[Spark1111]

Anything you tried to tell the wife NOW will be met with scepticism.

 

She wasn't a blip on your radar for a very long time. Now, when you have been scorned, you want to tell her the truth.

 

You have an axe to grind against him. That sort of diminishes your credibility, don't you think?

 

On the brighter side, you have learned that your affections were toyed with for sex. He will never leave his wife, but knocked on your door to see if you would still be sexually available to him.

 

You missed his affection. He missed something much more basic.

 

You learned a valuable lession.

 

Move on to someone who apreciates you for you....all of you!

[pureinheart]

Hi, I'm a new poster but could really use some advice and perspective....I was in a long term R with MM. Some things happened professionally and personally between us that affected our relationship that I was bitter about. I went NC in August & basically said I didn't want him to contact me unless he was ready to leave his marriage. He texted me regularly but I never waivered until Christmas. A simple Merry Christmas from him got me sucked right back in. Ever since then we were exchanging texts, he was talking about future plans for us to spend time together again, trips, ball games, dinners, he saying he missed me, needed me, blah blah. Finally I agreed to see him yesterday. Two hours before we were meeting, he texted something to the effect that he knows I harbor a lot of anger about certain things and his life hasn't & isn't going to change (ie: I'm not leaving BW) and he would understand if I was not comfortable seeing him. I flipped out. I was like, "WTF? What were you expecting tonight? If you weren't ready to deal with the marriage issue why did you suck me back in? Oh, I get it, its because you wanted to f**k, your dick misses me!". Then I said if he contacts me again, I'm going to introduce myself to his wife. He replied with "you don't understand a thing, you really don't, but don't worry I won't contact you".

 

I'm so pissed off now that I want to print our emails & send them to his wife so he can suffer her anger and resentment. I don't care if they stay together or divorce or whatever. I'm out of the picture. I sacrificed a lot professionally for this man and got screwed (no pun intended) and he has been eating cake for the last four years. I'm feeling pretty vindictive right now and vengeful. So has anyone outed their MM to the BW and let the "chips fall where they may"? I have nothing to lose but definitely some satisfaction to gain if his world is turned upside down the way mine was that he caused and did nothing to try to stop (even though it was within his power). Anyone with perspective on this? I'm not normally a nasty person and struggling a bit with upsetting the BW. Their marriage was troubled before I ever entered the picture and MM suspects she may have an affair partner herself.

 

In bold..this is the thing that pisses me off the most. I can understand your anger.

 

I felt exactly the same as you, mine played out a bit different, although all of the stuff I went through was very messed up.

 

Time took care of the justice end of it. One thing I can tell you for certain is that you don't have to do a thing and justice will be carried out in your situation. I can't even begin to tell you how over the years in many different situations that consisted of me needing/wanting justice, how just was served.

 

I hope you don't do anything, as you don't have to:)

[pureinheart]

Anything you tried to tell the wife NOW will be met with scepticism.

 

She wasn't a blip on your radar for a very long time. Now, when you have been scorned, you want to tell her the truth.

 

You have an axe to grind against him. That sort of diminishes your credibility, don't you think?

 

On the brighter side, you have learned that your affections were toyed with for sex. He will never leave his wife, but knocked on your door to see if you would still be sexually available to him.

 

You missed his affection. He missed something much more basic.

 

You learned a valuable lession.

 

Move on to someone who apreciates you for you....all of you!

 

The motive of my true motive is what has stopped me from seeking revenge in the past.

 

Haven't you noticed Spark, that when your heart is in the right place all works out...and when it's not, how it backfires.

 

I think, based on the OP, his W has one foot out of the door already.

 

OP, it's hard to take, especially when we've been wronged not to seek revenge, although in the end we become better people and are not toxic.

[Spark1111]

The motive of my true motive is what has stopped me from seeking revenge in the past.

 

Haven't you noticed Spark, that when your heart is in the right place all works out...and when it's not, how it backfires.

 

I think, based on the OP, his W has one foot out of the door already.

 

OP, it's hard to take, especially when we've been wronged not to seek revenge, although in the end we become better people and are not toxic.

 

I agree!

 

ALWAYS examine your true motives.

 

ALWAYS take the high road.

 

You can never regret living your life with integrity.

 

FBS here....never sought revenge against the OW. Never allowed friends and family to go off half-cocked to give her a piece of their mind when they saw my pain.

 

Why? I don't do that so you do not have to do it in my behalf....too much class to allow others to force me to stoop to their level.

 

You try that on, integrity, and you will never regret it.

[East7]

 

ALWAYS examine your true motives.

 

ALWAYS take the high road.

 

 

I agree, the revenge is always a temporary negative feeling.

 

What benefit would AP take to tell his wife ? Nothing !

 

As many AP, once I was so tempted to tell everything to BS, but I'm so happy I didn't, I showed xMW that I'm better than that and things which are meant to happen will happen, her M and my life will go on in their natural course.

[TigerCub]

Hi, I'm a new poster but could really use some advice and perspective....I was in a long term R with MM. Some things happened professionally and personally between us that affected our relationship that I was bitter about. I went NC in August & basically said I didn't want him to contact me unless he was ready to leave his marriage. He texted me regularly but I never waivered until Christmas. A simple Merry Christmas from him got me sucked right back in. Ever since then we were exchanging texts, he was talking about future plans for us to spend time together again, trips, ball games, dinners, he saying he missed me, needed me, blah blah. Finally I agreed to see him yesterday. Two hours before we were meeting, he texted something to the effect that he knows I harbor a lot of anger about certain things and his life hasn't & isn't going to change (ie: I'm not leaving BW) and he would understand if I was not comfortable seeing him. I flipped out. I was like, "WTF? What were you expecting tonight? If you weren't ready to deal with the marriage issue why did you suck me back in? Oh, I get it, its because you wanted to f**k, your dick misses me!". Then I said if he contacts me again, I'm going to introduce myself to his wife. He replied with "you don't understand a thing, you really don't, but don't worry I won't contact you".

 

I'm so pissed off now that I want to print our emails & send them to his wife so he can suffer her anger and resentment. I don't care if they stay together or divorce or whatever. I'm out of the picture. I sacrificed a lot professionally for this man and got screwed (no pun intended) and he has been eating cake for the last four years. I'm feeling pretty vindictive right now and vengeful. So has anyone outed their MM to the BW and let the "chips fall where they may"? I have nothing to lose but definitely some satisfaction to gain if his world is turned upside down the way mine was that he caused and did nothing to try to stop (even though it was within his power). Anyone with perspective on this? I'm not normally a nasty person and struggling a bit with upsetting the BW. Their marriage was troubled before I ever entered the picture and MM suspects she may have an affair partner herself.

 

Hey Nissu,

 

I'm sorry that you're so hurt and angry over this. I totally understand, but just like everyone above advised you - don't go out trying to get your revenge by exposing him to his wife, because he is a liar, and he will turn it around and make you look like you were the one that chased him and blah blah, or just make you look like a nutjob.

 

I totally understand where your anger is coming from. I do.

But you can't just feed that anger, its too toxic for you. Concentrate instead on his crappy character and how he never really considered your feelings at all, and use that to move on. The best thing you can do in terms of revenge is moving on and being happy and NEVER replying to him if he ever tried to contact you again.

 

Let him be stuck in his crappy relationship @ home. You go on and do better for yourself, that's the best revenge.

 

Also, I just had to point this out. Part of learning a lesson and moving on is taking responsibility for you own actions. The parts in bold, he wasn't really responsible for (yes, its true I don't know the full story), but you say your sacrificed professionally for him - I'm sorry, but @ the end of the day, that was your choice and your actions, you need to at least accept that part. He's a cake eater, well you knew he was a MM, yeah when a MM is involved with someone outside their M, they're being cake eaters.

 

I'm really not trying to lecture you, because I do know the kind of pain you were in, and I know how much it hurts when suddenly we take off the rose colored glasses and see these men for what they really are, and see all the lies (that we ignored before), and just realize that we wasted time on them, giving to them, loving them, trusting in them, when all along, all they did was just tell us what we wanted to hear to keep the A going - yes, that hurts a lot, and I"m sorry for your pain.

 

I hope that in time, you deal with your anger and you heal and you move on to happier and healthier Rs. That is truly the best revenge. You've already wasted so much time on this loser, don't waste anymore with revenge.

[OpenBook]

I agree; don't contact the W, or him. It will only backfire on you. Leave that hot mess alone!!

[greengoddess]

You got involved with a man and stayed involved for four years that YOU KNEW was married and yet you are blaming him for the outcome of this? You knew going into this he was married.

 

You had your fun, played, had a good time and now are angry that he is married? HUH? Really?

 

You should tell his wife. She needs to know but be prepared for the repercussions that are going to rain down on you for having an affair with her husband for so long.

 

I just don't get this when the ow gets angry because they are married. Sheesh you knew this going into it.

[whichwayisup]

Ditto to what everybody else has said.

 

Take responsibility for your choice in allowing yourself to be sucked back in. You were in NC mode and chose to continue contact after Christmas. BE pissed at YOURSELF.

 

Let go and move on.

[lara croft]

Dont do it. 1st: it will hurt her (and she hasn't been hurting you - he has).

2nd: it will give him attention and flatter him that he made you feel so emotional. he doesn't deserve that attention - he will get off on it and use it as a reason to justify why he didn't leave.

 

you will recover and well done for being strong for NC

[JsSweetPea]

I agree with the others saying DO NOT contact him or his W. I understand your anger but I'm afraid exposing him will only make you look like a loon & backfire. The best way to get back at this man is to forget him & live a fabulous life. Good luck.

[Nissu]

Just an update, I did NOT print the emails and send them to BW. I still think about it but in the end, I can't bring myself to do it. Yes, I definitely want him to suffer but I don't want to cause collateral damage. I'm hoping karma will come back to bite him in the ass at some point but not by my doing. And I am ABSOLUTELY pissed at myself for allowing to be sucked back in. It basically hit the reset button on NC and its like starting the process all over. I doubt I will hear from him again since I never threatened him before with outing the R to his wife so hopefully it will be easier this time around.

[steelknife]

Just an update, I did NOT print the emails and send them to BW. I still think about it but in the end, I can't bring myself to do it. Yes, I definitely want him to suffer but I don't want to cause collateral damage. I'm hoping karma will come back to bite him in the ass at some point but not by my doing. And I am ABSOLUTELY pissed at myself for allowing to be sucked back in. It basically hit the reset button on NC and its like starting the process all over. I doubt I will hear from him again since I never threatened him before with outing the R to his wife so hopefully it will be easier this time around.

 

yes dont. its best not to. i know how revengeful and vindictive you are now. we are both on the same page. ive thought of spray painting his blue car with black paint P I G. but i know i cant do that. its just not me. i just tell myself that in the midst of my hurt and anger and pain. i will always do what is right even if i really want to plot the sweetest revenge and actually do it.

 

i need to get out of this with dignity.he played with my feelings. he fooled me. if i hurt his wife, i admit to that. and i already apologized, but for him to have another other woman. ah no. thats just, way out. it was deliberate on his part to use me. intentional bec thats just the way he is, pig. and a serial cheater.

 

let it go. im still trying. but i dont want to have anything to do with him. but at the same time, all the bitterness and hurt is still holed up deep inside me.

[Nissu]

So sorry to hear what your going through Steelknife! I will never "get" how they can string us along, knowing that everything is a lie, and we have to deal with the repercusions. I've been thinking about my motivations for wanting to out the R to my xMM's wife....I think its because I feel like my silence is enabling him to get off "scott-free" and go about his way, status quo. Since it sounds like your xMM's wife knows about the R, take heart that she is probably making his life hell for it. Take care!

[Emme]

Don't do it. Walk away. Consider yourself lucky.

 

You get to walk away knowing what kind of man he is and what type of wife he has. They deserve each other. Why ruin it. He's probably waiting for you to sink his ship he doesn't want to be captain of anymore. Don't help him. Let him suffer.

[Goldenspoon]

So sorry to hear what your going through Steelknife! I will never "get" how they can string us along, knowing that everything is a lie, and we have to deal with the repercusions. I've been thinking about my motivations for wanting to out the R to my xMM's wife....I think its because I feel like my silence is enabling him to get off "scott-free" and go about his way, status quo. Since it sounds like your xMM's wife knows about the R, take heart that she is probably making his life hell for it. Take care!

 

I think you should expose him to her; you OWE it to her. If you were in her shoes, wouldn't you want to know so you can make an informed decision on what to do and wheter or not to fix things?

[Nissu]

I think you should expose him to her; you OWE it to her. If you were in her shoes, wouldn't you want to know so you can make an informed decision on what to do and wheter or not to fix things?

 

I have thought the exact same thing Goldenspoon....your point is absolutely a valid argument for letting her know. They have a child who will be going off to college shortly. I just can't bring myself to turn his world upside down right now by outing the R. If there was no child involved, it would be a lot easier to do and much less complicated for me.

[Nissu]

Don't do it. Walk away. Consider yourself lucky.

 

You get to walk away knowing what kind of man he is and what type of wife he has. They deserve each other. Why ruin it. He's probably waiting for you to sink his ship he doesn't want to be captain of anymore. Don't help him. Let him suffer.

 

I chuckled when I read your reply. If I believed half of what he said, then he is stuck in a very non-physical marriage and I am sure a body part or two is suffering

[mbm69]

I chuckled when I read your reply. If I believed half of what he said, then he is stuck in a very non-physical marriage and I am sure a body part or two is suffering

 

That's the spirit!!!!

[findingnemo]

Don't do it. Walk away. Consider yourself lucky.

 

You get to walk away knowing what kind of man he is and what type of wife he has. They deserve each other. Why ruin it. He's probably waiting for you to sink his ship he doesn't want to be captain of anymore. Don't help him. Let him suffer.

 

Emme is right and so is everybody advising you to walk away. Recently a friend of mine exposed her MM. She just found out that his W is pregnant. This is the W who had supposedly moved out, was financially irresponsible, had abandoned her kids, and a lot more stuff. When my friend wanted to expose MM, she asked me for advice. I asked why she wanted to do it. She said that she felt sorry for the BS and needed to absolve herself of her actions by helping the BS know the true colours of MM. Hmmm. Really??? I told her that she didn't owe BS a thing!! She didn't know her and had no right to try and help her or destroy her, whichever it would turn out to be. Well, she did it.

 

She called BS in her office and told her that MM was a lying, cheating and whoring fella who had been seeing her for over a year. BS listened to her story without interrupting and when she finally spoke, she said "Thank you for telling me. I wish you all the best".

 

MM and BS are still together. What happened? Who knows? All I know is that my girlfriend is still pissed off at BS' reaction and it has been over 2 months now!!

[bentnotbroken]

Emme is right and so is everybody advising you to walk away. Recently a friend of mine exposed her MM. She just found out that his W is pregnant. This is the W who had supposedly moved out, was financially irresponsible, had abandoned her kids, and a lot more stuff. When my friend wanted to expose MM, she asked me for advice. I asked why she wanted to do it. She said that she felt sorry for the BS and needed to absolve herself of her actions by helping the BS know the true colours of MM. Hmmm. Really??? I told her that she didn't owe BS a thing!! She didn't know her and had no right to try and help her or destroy her, whichever it would turn out to be. Well, she did it.

 

She called BS in her office and told her that MM was a lying, cheating and whoring fella who had been seeing her for over a year. BS listened to her story without interrupting and when she finally spoke, she said "Thank you for telling me. I wish you all the best".

 

MM and BS are still together. What happened? Who knows? All I know is that my girlfriend is still pissed off at BS' reaction and it has been over 2 months now!!

 

 

She was treated with the respect she did not deserve from the BS and she is pissed. :laugh:That's priceless.