charlenedarling Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 My husband and I were going through a bad time. My friend's husband started talking to me and I got involved with him. I felt very guilty about it and decided to tell my husband. I asked another friend for advice on how to approach him because she was the only person I talked to about my husband and our problems, and because she had been through something similar with her husband. Well, I told my husband, and my friend told my other friend (the wife of the OM) after I asked her to give the OM time to tell his wife, that I did not feel like it was her place to tell. Well, I was not going to tell my husband who it was with, unless the OM decided to tell his wife. But that did not happen. Btw, my friend, the OM's wife who was my friend and I all work together. Of course, the OM tried to get out of this by lying and saying that I made all this up, but I ended up having to show her proof because he was threatening me with suing me and involving law enforcement. It got ugly. I had to tell our administration. It was a mess. I will say that my husband and I have worked through things and are doing so much better now. I don't regret telling my husband. It took something so terrible like this to get him to realize that we were about to split up. Thankfully, we realized that we did not want that to happen and we have both made changes and have recommitted to each other. I still have a hard time seeing both of my friends at work. I have a hard time forgiving myself for hurting my friend (the wife of the OM). I also have a hard time forgiving my friend who I feel betrayed by. My question is should I feel betrayed? I hope all this makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 WHY did your friend tell OM's wife? Did she do so to hurt you...or to help you? That should be your focus in deciding what you feel about her and her actions. As far as OM and his wife...well, that 'friendship' was doomed the moment you "got involved". It's a product of your choices and actions. There is really nothing you'll ever be able to do to fix that situation. Learn from it...and drive on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author charlenedarling Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 She said that if she did not tell the OM's wife, that she would not be her friend anymore. She was more afraid of losing her friendship than losing mine. You are right about OM's wife's friendship. I killed it and I realize that. I guess I thought she would never find out, but in the end I couldn't keep up lying to my husband. It was a relief to tell him. It hurt him, and I am so so sorry for that, but I would have kept lying, and slowly dying inside if I had not told him. I thank God that he and I were able to work things out. He truly is and will always be the love of my life. I was so stupid. Wish I had not done it, but I did, and as you said, now I must drive on. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 She said that if she did not tell the OM's wife, that she would not be her friend anymore. She was more afraid of losing her friendship than losing mine. You are right about OM's wife's friendship. I killed it and I realize that. I guess I thought she would never find out, but in the end I couldn't keep up lying to my husband. It was a relief to tell him. It hurt him, and I am so so sorry for that, but I would have kept lying, and slowly dying inside if I had not told him. I thank God that he and I were able to work things out. He truly is and will always be the love of my life. I was so stupid. Wish I had not done it, but I did, and as you said, now I must drive on. Seems that you are a little ticked at the betrayal...sounds like you maybe feeling a little of what OM's wife might be feeling. Her friend betrayed her. Owl is right...learn and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author charlenedarling Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 You are right. I am ticked. But I did not compare it to how OM's wife might be feeling. I was separating the two from each other but they are both betrayals. So are you saying that like OM's wife, I should forget the friendships and move forward? Or is it better to forgive? I know that OM's wife will never forgive me, but she is not the forgiving type. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I think you should focus on your husband and your marriage and leave anything that might add to his discomfort alone. As for you forgiving..that is something you must decide for yourself...but where would you be without your husband's forgiveness? Link to post Share on other sites
KarmasTestDummy Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Just curious, did she stay with her husband after you provided proof and busted him trying to lie to her? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 You are right. I am ticked. But I did not compare it to how OM's wife might be feeling. I was separating the two from each other but they are both betrayals. So are you saying that like OM's wife, I should forget the friendships and move forward? Or is it better to forgive? I know that OM's wife will never forgive me, but she is not the forgiving type. I'm sorry you lost 2 friends in this (or 3 if OM was a friend). Losing friends is sad, but, I do think your friend (the one who told) was in an awkward situation being a friend to both of you. I've been in the situation of knowing a friend's H was cheating (the OW was not a friend to either of us) and didn't want to be the one with such hurtful news but also knew I couldn't keep seeing her and keep silent. It felt like I was betraying her if I didn't tell her the truth. Either way, your friend was going to have to betray one of you. I think, being in such an awkward situation, it is likely she chose honesty and openness, as opposed to choosing one friend over another. Isn't that the type of friend you would want? Whether your friendship can be salvaged or not, I think forgiveness is good and may be a step to healing more completely in the aftermath of your affair. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) My husband and I were going through a bad time. My friend's husband started talking to me and I got involved with him. I felt very guilty about it and decided to tell my husband. I asked another friend for advice on how to approach him because she was the only person I talked to about my husband and our problems, and because she had been through something similar with her husband. Well, I told my husband, and my friend told my other friend (the wife of the OM) after I asked her to give the OM time to tell his wife, that I did not feel like it was her place to tell. Well, I was not going to tell my husband who it was with, unless the OM decided to tell his wife. But that did not happen. Btw, my friend, the OM's wife who was my friend and I all work together. Of course, the OM tried to get out of this by lying and saying that I made all this up, but I ended up having to show her proof because he was threatening me with suing me and involving law enforcement. It got ugly. I had to tell our administration. It was a mess. I will say that my husband and I have worked through things and are doing so much better now. I don't regret telling my husband. It took something so terrible like this to get him to realize that we were about to split up. Thankfully, we realized that we did not want that to happen and we have both made changes and have recommitted to each other. I still have a hard time seeing both of my friends at work. I have a hard time forgiving myself for hurting my friend (the wife of the OM). I also have a hard time forgiving my friend who I feel betrayed by. My question is should I feel betrayed? I hope all this makes sense. Yes...my reasoning...she should have told you her "disclaimer" first before taking a confidence and then telling. If it were me, I would have said, look...I need to tell ----- and I need to let you know what I plan to do. She's not your friend IMO. Hey, forgive yourself and all other parties involved and pretend they do not exist, this can be done, even at work..I did it many times, keep it professional, no emotions. Forget all of these people, and hold your head up high (((((((hugs)))))) Edited January 11, 2011 by pureinheart Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Yes...my reasoning...she should have told you her "disclaimer" first before taking a confidence and then telling. If it were me, I would have said, look...I need to tell ----- and I need to let you know what I plan to do. She's not your friend IMO. Hey, forgive yourself and all other parties involved and pretend they do not exist, this can be done, even at work..I did it many times, keep it professional, no emotions. Forget all of these people, and hold your head up high (((((((hugs)))))) If Charlene told her friend she was having an affair with a mutual friend's husband, but she needed her to keep it a secret before she told her more, the friend should have not have agreed and then changed her mind. However, being in a related situation myself, sometimes you just don't know what it is like to look at a friend's eyes, knowing she is being betrayed and doesn't know it. Charlene, only you know how the conversation with your friend went and how much she might have realized at the time what this meant for her other friendship. And only you know if you will be happier forgiving your friend, but I think people are usually happier when they find the capacity for forgiveness, particularly in a case like this, where the friend comes down on the side of honesty and openness. Forgiveness can happen even without bringing the person back into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I have to admit that I would tell a friend if I knew that her H was having an affair. I would hate to see a true friend betrayed by her H, and a "friend", and not know about it. When you admitted that you had an affair with a "friend's" husband, you proved your worth as a friend. Sorry to say, but I think the friend you told made a wise choice in who she felt she needed to protect. Put yourself in her shoes. A supposed friend tells you that she is having an affair with another friend's husband. Wouldn't you wonder "what kind of friend does that?' Link to post Share on other sites
Author charlenedarling Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Well, this has all been interesting advice. Some of it hurt, but I knew it would. She is still with her husband, and he is still cheating on her. I told the friend in confidence asking that she not say anything until her husband had a chance to tell her himself. Not that I did not want her to know, but that I felt like this news needed to come from him and not her. I went to her because she had also done the same thing with another friend of ours and her husband, so I would not say that either one of us is a "good friend". We obviously are not "good friends" for anyone. She chose to tell her because she was afraid of her, afraid she would loose her friendship, and not to mention her help while they are both getting another degree together. So she had more invested in her than in me. Does that make sense? I think it is best to forgive, let them both fade out of my life, and make the realization that I made a terrible mistake but that does not make me a bad person, just human. It is hard to remember that I am not a bad person. The OM was not my friend. I felt alone, and so did he, and neither one of us were in a position to make a good decision. We made a terrible decision. I would not do this again. The only way I can prove that is by not doing it again. Such is life right. Thanks for all of your advice. I do appreciate the good and the painful. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Well, this has all been interesting advice. Some of it hurt, but I knew it would. She is still with her husband, and he is still cheating on her. I told the friend in confidence asking that she not say anything until her husband had a chance to tell her himself. Not that I did not want her to know, but that I felt like this news needed to come from him and not her. I went to her because she had also done the same thing with another friend of ours and her husband, so I would not say that either one of us is a "good friend". We obviously are not "good friends" for anyone. She chose to tell her because she was afraid of her, afraid she would loose her friendship, and not to mention her help while they are both getting another degree together. So she had more invested in her than in me. Does that make sense? I think it is best to forgive, let them both fade out of my life, and make the realization that I made a terrible mistake but that does not make me a bad person, just human. It is hard to remember that I am not a bad person. The OM was not my friend. I felt alone, and so did he, and neither one of us were in a position to make a good decision. We made a terrible decision. I would not do this again. The only way I can prove that is by not doing it again. Such is life right. Thanks for all of your advice. I do appreciate the good and the painful. I think forgiving and letting them fade from your life is a good decision. And I hope you prove yourself right - you will if you are determined to. Link to post Share on other sites
dont-be-naive Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I will say that my husband and I have worked through things and are doing so much better now. I don't regret telling my husband. It took something so terrible like this to get him to realize that we were about to split up. Thankfully, we realized that we did not want that to happen and we have both made changes and have recommitted to each other. I still have a hard time seeing both of my friends at work. I have a hard time forgiving myself for hurting my friend (the wife of the OM). I also have a hard time forgiving my friend who I feel betrayed by. My question is should I feel betrayed? you can feel betrayed, but you are not in a position to take the high ground with it. so you see absolutely nothing wrong in still working in the same place as the other man? you are ok with this continual disrespect of your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
dont-be-naive Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 WHY did your friend tell OM's wife? Did she do so to hurt you...or to help you? she probably felt the wife had a right to know her husband was a cheater, and that he was cheating with a supposed friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author charlenedarling Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 I don't work with the OM. I work with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 The friend you confided in was placed in a crappy position by you. She was friends with both you and the OM's wife. Keeping your secret would have meant being complicit in your deception of the OM's wife, her other friend. Basically you forced her to choose between the two friendships. Unfortunately for you, she chose the path of coming clean. If she hadn't, her other friend -- the OM's wife -- would probably have been pissed at her. So, you can be pissed at your friend if you want, but that won't really do you any good. At least your friend's "betrayal" involved ending your deception of your other mutual friend. Hard to find a lot of fault with that, in the circumstances. Besides, it forced you to be honest with your betrayed H about who you were cheating with, which you were planning on keeping from him. That is information that he had a right to know, and now he does. You have far more important things to devote emotional energy to than maintaining a grudge against the friend you confided in due to her "betrayal". Like repairing your marriage and rebuilding your husband's trust. Focus on that and let the issue of your friend's "betrayal" go. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 you can feel betrayed, but you are not in a position to take the high ground with it. so you see absolutely nothing wrong in still working in the same place as the other man? you are ok with this continual disrespect of your husband? The OP said she works with the OM's wiife and not him. Charlene, taking the high road is always the best. You made a mistake, you corrected it and that is the best thing you could do. Focus on your H and show them that good things, incredible things can evolve from mistakes. You are not a bad person at all sweety. Quite frankly I think the "friend" was totally wrong for telling his wife after you told her that you came clean with your husband. She should have left it alone and let it work itself out; especially if she did the same thing to one of her friends. Oh well, you live and learn right? Hold your head high, take the high road and stay humble and everything will work out for you. I'm willing to bet on it! Link to post Share on other sites
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