My ex is engaged & he's pursuing me

[stillthinking]

I've never posted any forum, ever, but I'm looking for insight from people who have done the cheating or been the OM/OW.

 

My ex and I have stayed in contact for years a couple of times a month (6 years) and have been involved three times since we have known eachother. Since finding out he is engaged, he's told me things like he thought it would be me and him getting married, he wishes he could do things over again and be with me, but he said he sorta lives with her and is going through with the marriage. He tries touching me, enticing me, and egging me on as if I am begging for it but sometime saying "too bad I'm not single". But I know I can do things with him if I wanted to. When we have kissed, he's been so passionate it's like he's a vampire dying of thirst, and his arms shake. But once he told me he is engaged, I felt bad. Honestly I don't mind that he touches me, entices me - I do love him and secretly can't get over him (but can't tell him that now, duh!). I've let him go several times, but he keeps coming back and initiating things. We acknowledge that we still care about eachother, and I am so tempted -So I don't think I am looking for advice on whether to get involved here (I haven't decided that), but some insight before I go any farther...

 

Any help would be appreciated. Guys especially - Why cheat if engaged, or why be engaged at all? Have you ever done this? If anyone, why cheat with an ex girlfriend rather than someone who he has no history with?

 

Note: He said he's been engaged to her before but broke it off because he was cheating really bad (though I don't know details, piecing little things together I think I was involved then, or musta meant he was multiple cheating).

[whichwayisup]

How often does he say stuff like that?

 

Also, what are you getting out of keeping in touch with him?

 

You know what type of man he is, he is a cheater. Why on earth would you want someone like that? Remember, if you DO end up with him, his behaviour won't change, there will always be an ex from his past that he wants. Be careful for what you wish for.

[2themoon&back]

Stillthinking

 

I've let him go several times, but he keeps coming back and initiating things

 

When I read this I thought about my son asking me if I ever quit smoking and me response was YES !

 

He then asked me well why do you still smoke? And I said ---I quit every time I put one out, hence I never really let it go ... and neither have you.

 

I know you did not really want advise but I am old and I am hard headed and I have been the OW and I would suggest that he has had plenty of chances to be with you the over years and now is cheating on the woman he is fixing to marry ...

 

BE the ONE that GOT AWAY!!! You will thank yourself later!!

 

Because being the OW will make you lose all the good feelings you have about him now when he gets married. If he wants to be with you …he knows what to do to make that happen, he is well practiced.

 

Good luck to you in your decision making and I promise my heart is in the right place here only wishing the very best for you.

[TigerCub]

Any help would be appreciated. Guys especially - Why cheat if engaged, or why be engaged at all? Have you ever done this? If anyone, why cheat with an ex girlfriend rather than someone who he has no history with?

 

Note: He said he's been engaged to her before but broke it off because he was cheating really bad (though I don't know details, piecing little things together I think I was involved then, or musta meant he was multiple cheating).

 

I'm not a guy, but here's my $0.02.

You say that he was engaged to this girl before, but broke it off because he was cheating then. I think that means that he doesn't want to be engaged, even now, when he's doing the same thing.

 

He's not the marrying type (and that's not a bad thing), but its bad, when he's leading on this fiance girl and promising her marriage and stuff.

 

He's cheating so that he can give himself the assurance that he wont be trapped when married, or because he's hoping she'd find out and end the engagement.

 

As for your question as to why he's doing this with you and not someone new? Well - he's possibly doing this with someone new as well - you don't know that he's not, and you also know that he "cheated badly" before, which I'm assuming meant with multiple people.

He's just coming to you because its easy (not saying that YOU'RE easy, but its easy to do it with someone that has feelings for him and has a chemistry with him) - but I wouldn't rule out the possibility that you're not the only one he's cheating/planning to cheat with.

 

I like the other poster's advice to you about being "the one who got away" - but in the end you'll do what you feel is best for you.

 

Good luck

[Eeyore79]

Ha, my ex used to do the same thing! To be fair, I didn't know he was engaged - it was only later on when I found out about his engagement that I worked out the dates, and I realised he must already have been engaged at the time when he was carrying on with me.

 

He did the same sort of thing as your ex - he didn't want me but didn't want to let go of me, so he contacted me regularly but never actually got into a proper relationship with me. He would sort of lead me on by contacting me, spending time with me, kissing and touching - I would have been willing to take him back at any point, but despite the fact that he was the one who initiated contact he never seemed to actually want to get back together. Then he would vanish again until the next time he needed an ego boost.

 

He just wanted to keep stringing me along; he had no intention of ever having a proper relationship with me. I don't know if I was the only one or if he was also doing it with other exes too. He knew that I was already in love with him, so he only had to click his fingers and I'd come running - a new girl wouldn't be at his beck and call like I was, which is why he kept coming back to me.

 

In the end I realised that if he actually wanted to be with me, he would be. There was nothing stopping him from being with me; I was available and willing, but he obviously wasn't. He would say stuff like he still loved me, he regretted breaking up, etc - but if that was true then why didn't he just get back together with me on one of the numerous opportunities he had over the years?! I finally told him to get lost - it felt great to take back control and not let him be the one who dictated whether we had a relationship or not.

 

That was a couple of years ago, and he's still pissed that I had the nerve to dump him once and for all, and not allow him to continue stringing me along He contacted me not so long ago wondering why his little puppy had cut the leash; I told him I realised I didn't want to be with him any more, and he was utterly shocked, because he thought I was firmly attached to that bit of string that he could jerk whenever he felt like an ego boost. Hah, I am well rid of him!

 

The truth is, this guy could dump his fiancee at any time and be with you, but he doesn't want to. He likes the ego boost he gets from you being in love with him, he likes stringing you along, but he doesn't actually want to be with you. You really need to take back some control and stop letting him dictate what happens between you; tell him to get lost.

[Heather1]

There's hotter fish in the sea....take a better offer!! He's only checking to make sure that when he gets m, he can still act single. Not a catch.

 

I agree w/ the be the one who got away, he'll respect you for life.

[stillthinking]

FIRST - Thank you everyone for your posts!

 

How often does he say stuff like that?

 

Also, what are you getting out of keeping in touch with him?

 

You know what type of man he is, he is a cheater. Why on earth would you want someone like that? Remember, if you DO end up with him, his behaviour won't change, there will always be an ex from his past that he wants. Be careful for what you wish for.

 

whichwayisup - he says stuff like this about 1x/month or so. Like, 'if I wasn't in this situation you would definitely be my gf' 'ur everything I ever wanted in a girl' and that he gave in to her asking him to propose to her. He's cried, i've cried. He goes from being mushy with me to acting like he's trying to fight it, but that his vulnerability easily could be tipped over and wants me to make the moves. He just doesn't have to say signifigant things like I mentioned (vs. 'I like you' 'ur hot'), especially if he is engaged, and if he's just wanting to get some.

 

what I am getting out of it is that I still miss him dearly. While I have told him thank you, for the most part since telling me he is engaged I have not mirrored or responded in the same way (like saying 'you would definitely be my boyfriend), but have told him genericlly that I do care for him and wished things were different.

[whichwayisup]

If he truly wanted you as his serious girlfriend, fiance or to be his wife, you two would have worked things out in the past and gotten together. That hasn't happened.

 

He may have great affection and care deeply about you, but the fact still remains, he is engaged to be married to someone else. It is so pointless (and cruel) of him to say that stuff to you. Imagine if YOU were his fiance and he was going behind your back and saying that same stuff to another ex of his?

 

Anyway, it's good that you haven't encouraged him by reacting the way he wants you to. The best out come might be..Just to let go and forget about him. Wish him well and say goodbye. He is your past..Not your future, nor your present.

[stillthinking]

2themoon&back:

 

I would suggest that he has had plenty of chances to be with you the over years and now is cheating on the woman he is fixing to marry ...

 

BE the ONE that GOT AWAY!!! You will thank yourself later!!

 

Because being the OW will make you lose all the good feelings you have about him now when he gets married. If he wants to be with you …he knows what to do to make that happen, he is well practiced.

 

Good luck to you in your decision making and I promise my heart is in the right place here only wishing the very best for you.

 

He has had several chances back and has recently told me he that I was hard to read so he backed off and I said that I never knew what he wanted either so I was never very vocal. I think we stayed scared of a R, and ironically now that he is engaged we're both more open to put our feelings out there.

 

I hear the "be the one that got away" thing. It's crazy cuz although I feel he may be the one that got away too, and that's ok cuz I'm glad I'm not his fiance. I've been married and when I was suspicious of an affair bout 2 years into it, that guy told me that 'I'm not cheating on you now but I did before we got married' and I told him 'yeah right you're not cheating on me now then?!?' I wish I knew BEFORE I married him - found out later people knew but did not tell me (hmm, new thread). A life decision like that is too important to take haphazardly. Who knows what the context of their R is, but think eventually HE will break her heart, or she will spend the relationship emotionally drained and walking on eggshells, if she's not already.

 

I guess it goes back to my question, why be engaged when there are so many consequences involved for everyone? I know part of the reason is he selfishly puts himself first so to put it in HIS perspective, I don't understand why he is even causing HIMSELF this trouble - why not avoid for HIMSELF the bigger disaster that lies down the road when she is likely gonna find out about some OW(s) someday, then there's debt and kids and their families involved? DUUUHHHHH I just want to tell him, but that's not my place is it? I'm sure he doesn't want to hear that from ME cuz it would just probably come off as manipulative. I think someone should slap the two of them into reality before it happens and he starts avoiding the marriage all together.

[stillthinking]

TigerCub - great points!

 

You say that he was engaged to this girl before, but broke it off because he was cheating then. I think that means that he doesn't want to be engaged, even now, when he's doing the same thing. [I think pretty much true, but wants kids]

 

He's not the marrying type (and that's not a bad thing) [I AGREE TOTALLY], but its bad, when he's leading on this fiance girl and promising her marriage and stuff.

 

He's cheating so that he can give himself the assurance that he wont be trapped when married [TRUE], or because he's hoping she'd find out and end the engagement [not sure, but sometimes he asks me out to hang out at a place right around the corner from him, is he dumb?].

 

As for your question as to why he's doing this with you and not someone new? Well - he's possibly doing this with someone new as well - you don't know that he's not, and you also know that he "cheated badly" before, which I'm assuming meant with multiple people.

He's just coming to you because its easy (not saying that YOU'RE easy, but its easy to do it with someone that has feelings for him and has a chemistry with him) [I'm sure he counts on knowing I still care] - but I wouldn't rule out the possibility that you're not the only one he's cheating/planning to cheat with [he told me we was seeing other girls, I said "girls?" He said "yes, girlsss"].

 

I like the other poster's advice to you about being "the one who got away" - but in the end you'll do what you feel is best for you.