zasw Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 She told me last week about her relationship, ever since than I just have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. She said she wanted him to leave his wife. This raises a huge red flag. she said she regrets it but i dont know if you can regret somthing youve been in for 4 years. i just lost so much respect for her and like the saying goes "once a cheater, always a cheater" that goes for both people involved. I really loved her but I dont feel someone who would do somthing like that is worthy of my time. I think its time to kick her to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 How long have you been dating her? Has she given you any reason to distrust her? You didn't give us much information about what you are basing your feelings on. I would guess that it took a lot of trust on her part of you to tell you about this part of her life and if that is the case I feel badly for her that you've reacted this way. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 She told me last week about her relationship, ever since than I just have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. She said she wanted him to leave his wife. This raises a huge red flag. she said she regrets it but i dont know if you can regret somthing youve been in for 4 years. i just lost so much respect for her and like the saying goes "once a cheater, always a cheater" that goes for both people involved. I really loved her but I dont feel someone who would do somthing like that is worthy of my time. I think its time to kick her to the curb. You said you really loved her. Perhaps you should begin the relationship all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mad Max Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Was this 4 year relationship before you came into the picture or during your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zasw Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 Ive been going with her for about 6 months. My X cheated on me so I dont view anyone with that kind of past very good. Should I give her the benefit of the doubt?? Maybe. But it will always be in the back of my mind. Like I said Respect & trust is now an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Mad Max Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Ive been going with her for about 6 months. My X cheated on me so I dont view anyone with that kind of past very good. Should I give her the benefit of the doubt?? Maybe. But it will always be in the back of my mind. Like I said Respect & trust is now an issue. Honestly, I have to question her integrity. She knew he was married, right? If he told her he was single, that would be different. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 She told me last week about her relationship, ever since than I just have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. She said she wanted him to leave his wife. This raises a huge red flag. she said she regrets it but i dont know if you can regret somthing youve been in for 4 years. i just lost so much respect for her and like the saying goes "once a cheater, always a cheater" that goes for both people involved. I really loved her but I dont feel someone who would do somthing like that is worthy of my time. I think its time to kick her to the curb. I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater.. but I do believe twice a cheater always a cheater! My EX cheated on me twice. I forgave her the first time, we did the counseling thing, alas she was lying to me and the counselor the whole time. Yet like you both times she was cheating with married men. The first one had two kids, and the second one had a pregnant wife! My EX has no regrets about hurting/betraying me, those men's wives, or even their kids. It broke my heart that the woman I adored and loved for 7 years was so toxic.. and hid it so well. I can totally sympathise with you zasw, the second time I finally realized she was no longer worthy of my love. I left her 4 days after d-day. Best of luck to you and I know how much this hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Is she the same person integrity wise as she was during the affair? Did she tell you or did you find out on your own? If she has matured and volunteered this information to you...maybe she is looking to start a relationship based on trust and respect. Why don't you give it sometime to talk with her and discuss things. But if you feel as if you will always be on guard and not comfortable enough to trust..then it would probably be best to move on before the relationship gets deeper. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 It sounds like a rebound relationship but she is being upfront about her past. Just make sure that she is totally done with the MM and is not still fantasizing about him. 4 years is a long time. I would suggest to take it easy with her, let her appreciate you and know you better. She has been in a second-class relationship which destroys self-esteem. She needs to learn again what a healthy relationship looks like. You need to support her without being clingy or needy. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 It sounds like a rebound relationship but she is being upfront about her past. Just make sure that she is totally done with the MM and is not still fantasizing about him. 4 years is a long time. I would suggest to take it easy with her, let her appreciate you and know you better. She has been in a second-class relationship which destroys self-esteem. She needs to learn again what a healthy relationship looks like. You need to support her without being clingy or needy. I think the OP isn't even sure he WANTS to stay in a relationship with the g/f at this point in time. Oh and you can't know that it's a rebound relationship as the op hasn't said anything about a time frame, it might be and it might not but it's not fair to make that assumption based on what little information op shared. Anways.........based on what little the OP has said, I suggest you have a long, clear, open conversation with the g/f and not only listen to what she says but pay attention to what your gut/intuition tells you and then I'd go from there. If you truly do not think it's something you can get past, then the sooner you break it off the better for both of you. I still feel bad for her because she is going to be really hurt that you've rejected her when she shared the news, but yet if you can't deal with it, you can't. Link to post Share on other sites
MorningCoffee Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 If, as you write, you do love her, then perhaps letting things sit for a little while wouldn't hurt. This is for you, OP, a big deal, and challenges your understanding. I suggest no decision should be made in haste where loved ones and major issues are concerned. What's that old saying? "Decide in haste, regret at leisure." Time to absorb and process might be a couple days or more but a little space might be a good thing. Then you can see how you feel and talk with her about it. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I don't know if you should automatically end it, but I think you're right that it does raise red flags. It's more than just a mistake; it was a conscious decision to engage in a relationship that probably hurt someone else's marriage. I guess if it were me, I would want to know more. Why did it begin? Why/How did it end? Who ended it? Even if you get satisfactory questions, though, it's totally understandable if you don't feel comfortable dating her. Dumping her will make her think twice about divulging that secret to someone else, but that's not your concern. I guess the only thing I can say is, if you feel like everything in the relationship has been good up to this point, perhaps you could give it a go, but with some caution. However, at the end of the day, you have to respect someone to really love them. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I still feel bad for her because she is going to be really hurt that you've rejected her when she shared the news, but yet if you can't deal with it, you can't. I suspect he can't deal with it because he said: My X cheated on me so I dont view anyone with that kind of past very good. I can relate to zasw. Since I too am a BS I have no tolerance for cheating. Life is too short. It's a deal-breaker for me. And there are literally millions of women out there who think as I and zasw do. So why not date one of them instead of someone with a history of cheating? I look at it like a recovering alcoholic not wanting to date someone who drinks. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 That's not something I could ever respect in a potential partner. I can completely understand where you are coming from. It wouldn't necessarily be about trust as much as respect. After being a BS I k ow for certain how important respect is to me personally in a mutually loving relationship. Good luck with your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Well you can also look at it from this (my) side of the fence. I can 100% say with absolute certainty that I will never get involved with anyone who is in a committed, (a lot committed, a little bit committed, makes no difference) relationship again. Do I have baggage...........sure, am I completely over it, no, not yet, but I'm doing what needs to be done, so if someone that I might meet in the future considers me a lost cause because of the history, then it will be their loss and yes I can understand why. I would hope someone could be understanding and have the openness and forthrightness to ask me the right questions before they kicked me to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Don't end it for good but take some time to get to know the real her. It is certainly a red flag but not a complete dealbreaker. Sometimes a person who made a mistake and realized that an affair is nothing but pain instead of romantic and magical will actually make better decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Don't end it for good but take some time to get to know the real her. It is certainly a red flag but not a complete dealbreaker. Sometimes a person who made a mistake and realized that an affair is nothing but pain instead of romantic and magical will actually make better decisions. Did you actually say the above or was it an impostor??? ;) Good post Woggle. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Did you actually say the above or was it an impostor??? ;) Good post Woggle. I said it. It depends on how she feels about it. Nobody is more anti-drugs than many former addicts and the same concept applies here. If she still has feelings for him or views her past as a badge of honor then I would say dump her. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Well you can also look at it from this (my) side of the fence. Oh I do. ... so if someone that I might meet in the future considers me a lost cause because of the history, then it will be their loss and yes I can understand why. I hope you can understand why. It's like why people with criminal backgrounds aren't hired to be bank tellers, policemen, or armoured car drivers. I am not saying people who have had affairs are criminals, that's silly. But what I am saying is it's a matter of trust, when you've been bitten by a WS - (like I was) - I simply prefer a woman who doesn't tolerate affairs either. And there are millions of those women out there. I would hope someone could be understanding and have the openness and forthrightness to ask me the right questions before they kicked me to the curb. Absolutely. From now on I will ask women I date how they feel about infidelity. Their answer will be the yardstick I measure them by. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Oh I do. I hope you can understand why. It's like why people with criminal backgrounds aren't hired to be bank tellers, policemen, or armoured car drivers. I am not saying people who have had affairs are criminals, that's silly. But what I am saying is it's a matter of trust, when you've been bitten by a WS - (like I was) - I simply prefer a woman who doesn't tolerate affairs either. And there are millions of those women out there. I get where you coming from, absolutely. Absolutely. From now on I will ask women I date how they feel about infidelity. Their answer will be the yardstick I measure them by. Oh I plan on asking some tough questions myself and you can bet I'll be listening and feeling very carefully. Although my experience is slightly different than the average thing on here as I got sucked in under the assumption that he was separated, I got burned big time and I realized just how devious and cruel a cheater can be to not only me but the bs also, so I do have an all around view, sorry to say. It's going to be very, very difficult for me to trust a man again. Link to post Share on other sites
silverplanets Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) She told me last week about her relationship, ever since than I just have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. She said she wanted him to leave his wife. This raises a huge red flag. she said she regrets it but i dont know if you can regret somthing youve been in for 4 years. i just lost so much respect for her and like the saying goes "once a cheater, always a cheater" that goes for both people involved. I really loved her but I dont feel someone who would do somthing like that is worthy of my time. I think its time to kick her to the curb. Hi zasw, Is that feeling in your stomach genuine or maybe a trigger from your past? Is it that you don't know if you can regret something for 4 years or is it worry that there is not enough elapsed time between a 4 year relationship and now? Is it that you've lost respect for her or that you're respect for her is based upon you're view of her and not your acceptance of her for the actual person she is (with all the positive and negative experiences life brings) Is it that you have your own specific rule to be applied to matter what ... or is it that you're going with a saying (cause there's always a saying to support every viewpoint) .. some say, for eg, that all important people in our lives are mirrors etc, etc .... If you're very polarised that anyone who has ever had an A is bad then maybe you need more time to come to terms with everything that's happened to you? Is it that you've told her you love her before you've really got to know her ..? Is the language "kick her to the curb" your normal language or is it venting something internal ... Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have ? Have you ever tried to get over someone whom you loved? Maybe she was just really trusting of the wrong person ... maybe she gets her kicks from preying on married men .... ???????? I'm not really sure of any answers to any of these questions .. or the many others that spring to mind ..... All that I will say is that you need to love somone for who they are ... and that includes how they became that person .... as you get older you realise life is a long road and that EXPERIENCES COUNT ... good and bad .. because they give us depth and character and make us who we are today ... and depth and character are definately needed in any long term relationship. And I include in this that she needs to accept and ultimately love you for how you react to this information as well. It works both ways. You have the right to just quietly exit the relationship now if that's what you wish ... or you have the right to just allow her to be herself and, over time, to reveal herself to you ... Neither is right and neither is wrong ... And i'm not getting at you in any way ... just pondering and thinking out loud .. not saying any of it applies to you (or her) ... just mulling it over from different angles. How we react to something new is always a chance to learn and grow best wishes Chris Edited January 6, 2011 by silverplanets Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Just be honest with her, let her know how it makes you feel, hearing that she had an affair with a MM. She didn't have to tell you, but she did. That in itself, took courage and I'm sure she was scared to tell you..Felt she needed to let you know before things get too serious and later you might find out or freak out. If she has changed her ways and isn't involved with him at all (no contact) anymore, then give her a chance, see where your relationship goes. But, if you feel you can't trust her and what she did in her past bothers you so much, and you can't get past it, break up with her now before things get even more serious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 She told me last week about her relationship, ever since than I just have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. She said she wanted him to leave his wife. This raises a huge red flag. she said she regrets it but i dont know if you can regret somthing youve been in for 4 years. i just lost so much respect for her and like the saying goes "once a cheater, always a cheater" that goes for both people involved. I really loved her but I dont feel someone who would do somthing like that is worthy of my time. I think its time to kick her to the curb. Please do her this favor;) Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Well you can also look at it from this (my) side of the fence. I can 100% say with absolute certainty that I will never get involved with anyone who is in a committed, (a lot committed, a little bit committed, makes no difference) relationship again. Do I have baggage...........sure, am I completely over it, no, not yet, but I'm doing what needs to be done, so if someone that I might meet in the future considers me a lost cause because of the history, then it will be their loss and yes I can understand why. I would hope someone could be understanding and have the openness and forthrightness to ask me the right questions before they kicked me to the curb. LOL, BB...if a person has been on this earth for more than 2 days they already have baggage. , I have to have a very compassionate, loving, open and most of all forgiving person in my court...if the person is not, then that be the dealbreaker...I am very human and I will tell you the truth, some can't handle the truth. See YellowShark, your post from a previous thread has started me thinking on what "I" want and need for a change ((((((((hugs))))))), thank you:) Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Although my experience is slightly different than the average thing on here as I got sucked in under the assumption that he was separated, I got burned big time and I realized just how devious and cruel a cheater can be to not only me but the bs also, so I do have an all around view, sorry to say. The bolded text above is what I am speaking about. People who knowingly cheat and are ok living in an affair ARE essentially devious and cruel.., so I simply prefer to date a woman who sees eye to eye with me on that. It's going to be very, very difficult for me to trust a man again. Well don't dump ALL men into the category of your MM/AP. We are not all like that. He lied to you from the get-go, it's no secret that most WS are lying in one way or another to the AP and BS. Link to post Share on other sites
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