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Happy ending with AP = no regrets about the A?


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The Regret vs. Remorse thread triggered my question here.

 

For those with regrets and/or remorse about their A... If your situation had ended up happily, where the MM did the right thing and divorced his W to be with you - would you still regret having had the A in the first place?

 

(Although my question is geared toward OWs, any AP's response is welcomed.)

 

Although I am horrified at myself for thinking this, I really don't think I would have learned my lesson quite so thoroughly if my own situation had turned out well. As it was, it was painful and awful and drawn-out suffering for me, on every front. Never again!

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Personally I had a lot of guilt about the A, and I didn't like how I was going against what I stood for by doing what I did with him.

 

But truthfully, if he had left baby momma and if we had a happy ending, I probably would have seen it all as worth it, that the ends justify the means because everything we did, we did out of real love and desire to be with each other, and that it must have been for the right reasons if it lead us to be in a REAL loving relationship with one another.

 

But that's just in a fantasy world, where he isn't a compulsive liar and a serial cheater, and where I would have been able to trust him not to do that to me later on :p

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But that's just in a fantasy world, where he isn't a compulsive liar and a serial cheater, and where I would have been able to trust him not to do that to me later on :p

 

I heard that! I'm kinda just "examining my soul" here, taking my own inventory (and bouncing it off others to see if they are reaching the same conclusions!). I'm realizing that I, too, would have probably believed that the end justified the means if we had happily ended up together... and stuck my head in the sand with "it won't happen to me, we were MEANT for each other." And I'm not OK with that.:(

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The Regret vs. Remorse thread triggered my question here.

 

For those with regrets and/or remorse about their A... If your situation had ended up happily, where the MM did the right thing and divorced his W to be with you - would you still regret having had the A in the first place?

 

(Although my question is geared toward OWs, any AP's response is welcomed.)

 

Although I am horrified at myself for thinking this, I really don't think I would have learned my lesson quite so thoroughly if my own situation had turned out well. As it was, it was painful and awful and drawn-out suffering for me, on every front. Never again!

 

 

My situation did turn out well, since I did do the right thing. I stayed with my wife. Smartest thing I ever did. And yes, I regret the affair. Probably more than anything ever in my life!

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I'm realizing that I, too, would have probably believed that the end justified the means if we had happily ended up together...

 

Yeah, cuz how could you not? If you ended up together, all this would be some romanticized story of how you guys had to overcome so many obstacles to finally be in each others' arms and finally have the fairytale happy ending.

 

I totally see that, that's why I feel the same. If we worked, that's all it would have been - oooh we were so meant to be, we had to overcome adversity and go through hell before we made it to heaven :rolleyes: ... but...yeeaaah!!

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The Regret vs. Remorse thread triggered my question here.

 

For those with regrets and/or remorse about their A... If your situation had ended up happily, where the MM did the right thing and divorced his W to be with you - would you still regret having had the A in the first place?

 

(Although my question is geared toward OWs, any AP's response is welcomed.)

 

Although I am horrified at myself for thinking this, I really don't think I would have learned my lesson quite so thoroughly if my own situation had turned out well. As it was, it was painful and awful and drawn-out suffering for me, on every front. Never again!

 

I think a lot depends on to what extent the APs had to make moral compromises to participate in the A. If an OW has no moral issues with being in an A, then she's unlikely to have regrets (any more than any other R) no matter how it turns out. If she feels she is compromising her moral integrity by involving herself in an A, she's unlikely to feel comfortable about it, however it turns out - if the MM does leave his BW and they get together, it may not be sustainable as a result, because of that compromise - unless they both put themselves through the necessary soul work to address why they acted so out of character, to develop the resources to prevent any recurrences and to heal.

 

A morally compromised OW who lands up with her MM may not necessarily feel regret or remorse, but she may well come to feel resentment. None of those augur well for long-term sustainability of a R of any kind.

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A lot also depends on the type of marriage the WS had. My GF was a golddigger and married for wealth and power. She believed that she would learn to love him. It obviously didn't turn out that way, when she met me. :D

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If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

So if I ended up with my AP I would always be afraid of that... therefore I could never ever trust this so-called "Happy ending with AP..." ;)

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half_ofa_heart
The Regret vs. Remorse thread triggered my question here.

 

For those with regrets and/or remorse about their A... If your situation had ended up happily, where the MM did the right thing and divorced his W to be with you - would you still regret having had the A in the first place?

 

(Although my question is geared toward OWs, any AP's response is welcomed.)

 

Although I am horrified at myself for thinking this, I really don't think I would have learned my lesson quite so thoroughly if my own situation had turned out well. As it was, it was painful and awful and drawn-out suffering for me, on every front. Never again!

 

I still would have regreted it! I didn't know his W before the A but have gotten to know her lately. She is a very nice woman (just not as much to her H) and her children are not deserving of this so it's these people that will always make me regret the A. I am forever trying end it and do what's right but at the end of the day, he is my best friend. I'm not saying he isn't hers but from what he tells me (I know, I know) they rarely talk at all.

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I wouldn't ever say that leaving his wife was the 'right' thing to do...but things do happen for a reason.

 

We are 'ending up' together, but we both regret the people that were hurt in the process. I do not regret falling in love with this man, but do hate the circumstances that surrounded it, and we both wish that we had been strong and courageous enough to do the right things from the very beginning. We regret that the story of how we met will always start with an uncomfortable 'well....'.

 

But it CAN work out. We both have therapists that we meet with individually, and will start couples counseling soon. Our divorces are final, we are slowly resuming contact after several months of LC (when our therapists recommended we take a 'break' and really focus on ourselves, on grieving our divorces, and on making sure that our desire to be together isn't because our ex's both forbid it, but because we love each other).

 

I don't have a magic crystal ball that shows me a happy ever after with this man. We were both in profoundly unhappy marriages and they ended not to bring us together, and not as an effect of our affair (which was revealed after the divorces were in progress and contact had stopped). But I'd like to think that after all the hurt that has happened, that there is going to be happiness out there for all four of us. Our ex spouses certainly deserve it, no matter what part they played in the dissolution of our marriages.

 

I don't have a crystal ball, but we are doing everything we can to do it right this time around. I haven't posted a 'yay! happy ending!' post here because I don't know yet that this will happen (and I don't want to jinx anything).

 

But I love him. He loves me. We are navigating the future as best we can, definitely with regret about HOW we ended up together, but could never regret the person that I fell in love with.

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always_waitings
I wouldn't ever say that leaving his wife was the 'right' thing to do...but things do happen for a reason.

 

We are 'ending up' together, but we both regret the people that were hurt in the process. I do not regret falling in love with this man, but do hate the circumstances that surrounded it, and we both wish that we had been strong and courageous enough to do the right things from the very beginning. We regret that the story of how we met will always start with an uncomfortable 'well....'.

 

I don't have a crystal ball, but we are doing everything we can to do it right this time around. I haven't posted a 'yay! happy ending!' post here because I don't know yet that this will happen (and I don't want to jinx anything).

 

But I love him. He loves me. We are navigating the future as best we can, definitely with regret about HOW we ended up together, but could never regret the person that I fell in love with.

 

Grace said it perfectly on how i feel on this situation...yes we ended up together but I do regret which the ways things happened and who was hurt in the process, I didn't mean any of this happen nor did I set off in life to have this happen, it just did unfortunately... but in no way should this end justify the means in what had happened, it should of been done the correct way with me never getting involved with mm until he chose to divorce his wife first...

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I wouldn't regret the A itself as we have no control on circumstances of meeting someone.

What I would regret is building my couple and my happiness on expenses of someone else's pain. I would feel terrible to see BS face to face.

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I regret my affair but I also realise that if my H and I had carried on our marriage as it was prior to the affair then it would probably not be as good as it is now. We both learned a lot from the fall out and take much more care of us now.

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The Regret vs. Remorse thread triggered my question here.

 

For those with regrets and/or remorse about their A... If your situation had ended up happily, where the MM did the right thing and divorced his W to be with you - would you still regret having had the A in the first place?

 

(Although my question is geared toward OWs, any AP's response is welcomed.)

 

Although I am horrified at myself for thinking this, I really don't think I would have learned my lesson quite so thoroughly if my own situation had turned out well. As it was, it was painful and awful and drawn-out suffering for me, on every front. Never again!

 

Hi OB,

 

I have no regrets. ExDM and I rescued each other. We were both victims of some very intense abuse and helped each other to go from victim to victor.

 

It has been difficult to deal with our break up/departure from the other, and I know it has been for him also...BUT it had to be this way, as we would have never fit in the others world. I am a clean freak and he is a hoarder. He has some strange tastes IMO and I am used to my H letting me have full charge over the inside of the house and he has the garage and outside...I like neatness and will not change.

 

There are many other things that we differ in.

 

Mine was very painful also, first dealing with his psycho family, then dealing with the fallout of the abuse he had encountered, which most was directed at me. He was very abusive and depressed. He feared loosing his stuff and kids, in that order. I realised then that was his main concern was stuff which was not acceptable.

 

I never saw his M as in the eyes of God or otherwise. What I did see was an abusive situation and being outspoken, regardless of our R, wanted to see him free, as I would anyone in that type of lifestyle.

 

I hate what happened to me because I did not deserve that from him (or anyone for that matter). I am angry at that and have issue with that.

 

I want the whole thing to be a distant memory and forgive all of them. Only to be brought up in the case of helping another going through something similar. I think I will start today:).

 

Thanks OB, your thread is really helping me too.

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If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

So if I ended up with my AP I would always be afraid of that... therefore I could never ever trust this so-called "Happy ending with AP..." ;)

 

Not always. I think it depends more on the reasons for cheating.

 

Case in point: Both of my parents had AP's. They M their AP's. My stepmother never cheated on my dad, nor he on her. My stepdad did cheat on my mother once, although never did it again for the remainder of their M (24 yrs). Even after she passed on he had opportuntity to get back together with an astranged AP (he was a serial cheater, and also had a daughter with AP in a previous M, which she became my stepsister), although declined due to severe depression from loosing my mom.

 

FTR, this goes to show how the kids desire the natural parents to be together in certain cases...my stepsister was in her 50's, still trying to get her parents together.

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If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

Not always. I think it depends more on the reasons for cheating.

 

IMHO there are no valid reasons for cheating. ;)

 

Case in point: Both of my parents had AP's. They M their AP's. My stepmother never cheated on my dad, nor he on her. My stepdad did cheat on my mother once, although never did it again for the remainder of their M (24 yrs).

 

If I married a recovering alcoholic I would always be afraid they could fall off the wagon, much like your stepdad did.. who cheated on his wife, and your mother. That's just not a risk I am willing to endure for years and years.

 

I prefer to be with someone who doesn't have a history of cheating, it removes a big pink elephant from the room. But that's just me. :)

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IMHO there are no valid reasons for cheating. ;)

 

 

 

If I married a recovering alcoholic I would always be afraid they could fall off the wagon, much like your stepdad did.. who cheated on his wife, and your mother. That's just not a risk I am willing to endure for years and years.

 

I prefer to be with someone who doesn't have a history of cheating, it removes a big pink elephant from the room. But that's just me. :)

 

This is obviously the deal breaker for you, and I so respect that.

 

Is this possibly a risk that we all take in any type of R...wow, thank you for this very thought provoking response:)...I am reflecting in my own life...where do we draw the line, as we are all imperfect.

 

This is sincere YS...where do I draw the line. What should I shine on, and what should I take a close look at what is a deal breaker.

 

Basically I have never REALLY thought about this in my own life, and have made the "rules" as the circumstances present themselves, most of the time being caught off guard...wow...thank you very much YS...I've always respected you greatly BTW:).

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This is obviously the deal breaker for you, and I so respect that.

 

Is this possibly a risk that we all take in any type of R...wow, thank you for this very thought provoking response:)...I am reflecting in my own life...where do we draw the line, as we are all imperfect.

 

This is sincere YS...where do I draw the line. What should I shine on, and what should I take a close look at what is a deal breaker.

 

Basically I have never REALLY thought about this in my own life, and have made the "rules" as the circumstances present themselves, most of the time being caught off guard...wow...thank you very much YS...I've always respected you greatly BTW:).

 

Pure, I've heard people say they would never do this or that until.. they found themselves in the situation. ;)

 

I did it myself. I remember being adamant, when I was very young, that the last thing that could ever happen to me was end up with an abusive man. And guess what...

 

The reason for it is because people who say that often don't know what it's like to be in that postition and what mechanisms are at work, also on the subconscious level, that make us sometimes take the wrong path without fully realising it.. Like I didn't know until it happened.

 

So I'm rather sceptical when someone says hypothetically "I'd never do x". I do listen, though, when they say "I actually was in that situation and I didn't do x".

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This is obviously the deal breaker for you, and I so respect that.

 

And I respect what you feel is right for you. For me relationships are hard enough without adding the burden of infidelity into the equation.

 

Is this possibly a risk that we all take in any type of R...wow, thank you for this very thought provoking response:)...I am reflecting in my own life...where do we draw the line, as we are all imperfect.

 

Absolutely. I am as imperfect as the next guy, that's why I have to draw the live when it comes to infidelity. It's just adding fuel to the "imperfection fire." ;)

 

Basically I have never REALLY thought about this in my own life, and have made the "rules" as the circumstances present themselves, most of the time being caught off guard...wow...thank you very much YS...I've always respected you greatly BTW:).

 

Thanks for the kind words. I have lines in the sand because life is too short for games and B.S. And after my last experience with a serial cheater I definitely have no tolerance for cheating. It really took too much out of me, the pain was so great, and it's really a complete deal-breaker for me now.

 

Pure, I've heard people say they would never do this or that until.. they found themselves in the situation. ;)

 

I did it myself. I remember being adamant, when I was very young, that the last thing that could ever happen to me was end up with an abusive man. And guess what...

 

But had you known ahead of time that he was abusive man you would have never hooked up with him. Now I bet you are wiser and see the signs and would run away as fast as you can. :p That's where I am with infidelity, now that I am a victim of it.. I shall try my best to avoid it at all costs. It's a deal-breaker, and a question I ask upfront.

 

(And after reading many of the heart-breaking posts by OW in this section - who are getting scraps and crumbs from their MM - I just cannot understand how they can put up with it.)

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I'm brooding over all of them. Can't form any coherent words to respond right now. Just, thanks.

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It's not really "over" yet, but at the same time I still have absolutely no regrets. I believe everything happens for a reason, even of we never end up together.

 

Despite all the drama, confusion, and ill feelings, I still gained more positive things from the relationship that outweigh the negative. It was an awesome learning experience for me & it helped me to grow a lot as a person. He was my first love, showed me an awesome time, spoiled me to death, helped me immensely with my career, helped me to gain confidence, helped me to gain weight & improve my health. He showed me that intimacy is wonderful thing & that I have no reason to fear it.

 

So nope, I regret nothing.

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Pure, I've heard people say they would never do this or that until.. they found themselves in the situation. ;)

 

I did it myself. I remember being adamant, when I was very young, that the last thing that could ever happen to me was end up with an abusive man. And guess what...

 

The reason for it is because people who say that often don't know what it's like to be in that postition and what mechanisms are at work, also on the subconscious level, that make us sometimes take the wrong path without fully realising it.. Like I didn't know until it happened.

 

So I'm rather sceptical when someone says hypothetically "I'd never do x". I do listen, though, when they say "I actually was in that situation and I didn't do x".

 

Oh yes, I hear you there Ellin:)...never say never. Twice I've done that and guess what...in my arrogance of judging another person, I ended up in the same thing...soooo, am VERY careful.

 

In bold...this is the truth, and moreso than not we hear, "it just happened"...well this statement is usually ridiculed, although technically it is the truth. It seems very innocent at first, we feel we are in control, or for better words, under control...then bammm, the point of no return, and this is for any situation BTW.

 

I am not only sceptical when someone says that they would never do something, but hoping greatly they are not put to the test...it can happen and does quite often. That is why when a poster says they never thought this or that would happen, I feel really bad because what they are saying is the truth.

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And I respect what you feel is right for you. For me relationships are hard enough without adding the burden of infidelity into the equation.

 

 

 

Absolutely. I am as imperfect as the next guy, that's why I have to draw the live when it comes to infidelity. It's just adding fuel to the "imperfection fire." ;)

 

 

 

Thanks for the kind words. I have lines in the sand because life is too short for games and B.S. And after my last experience with a serial cheater I definitely have no tolerance for cheating. It really took too much out of me, the pain was so great, and it's really a complete deal-breaker for me now.

 

 

I am learning to draw the lines in the sand as we speak, looking at patterns. I noticed that the majority of serial cheaters that I've known appear to be more than regular users of porn...why they were attracted to me makes no sense, as I have "the girl next door" look, and conservative in many areas...

 

I hear on on being hurt, there have been a few that I call "drive by's"...they are commitment phobics and will come into my life periodically, professing undying love, then vanish as quick as they came...I don't by that anymore, although just want them gone...got rid of my last one 2 days ago...I'm done with playing games.

 

As far as a persons past, this is where I don't know how far to go...my past is interesting and I would not like to be "passed over" because of something that doesn't apply to me today. I am really good at sizing a person up after a few words though..most I have to say YS have an agenda, so do like to study a person first.

 

I'm brooding over all of them. Can't form any coherent words to respond right now. Just, thanks.

 

You are so cute OB :)

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Yes I regret the way we started, who was hurt in the process, the harder road we have choosen. My goal in life has never been about hurting others and I have always been very big on the Golden Rule. We are working through these issues and both readily admit there are many other much better and easier ways to walk down the road we are treading. I am sorry for the pain I caused.

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GreenEyedLady

I haven't been posting, but I thought just maybe this needed to be heard and can help:

 

As many long-time posters know, I am married to my MM now, over 2 years, together for 6. I can say that I regret it having started as an A and hurting people in the process, but I will never regret having fallen in love with my H or marrying him. He is my best friend, my lover, my life partner.

 

I think ending up with your MP actually you learn MORE. You see firsthand the people who are hurt, you have to live with people's judgments, you have to make amends in your own way. Now we went to MC to help put our family together and he did IC so I think that has alot to do with our being pretty successful in getting through a really emotionally crazy time. And I think that is why the majority of couples where one person leaves, go back. It is a time where you have to take a hard look at your choices and face consequences. And you have to make changes or the cycle repeats itself and no one learns what they need to learn.

 

So I would say that I learned alot from the experience. I wouldn't say I learned my lesson, but I learned valuable insights in relationships and making choices that I can feel good about. Which for the most part, I did. I just feel badly that his XW was hurt because he couldn't man up earlier and be honest with her. I never wanted to be the other woman. It doesn't suit me. But he was worth the side-step of my values. And I will stand by him.

 

I guess when I reflect on our R, I really think about my role and our R and our chance at a long term marriage. I am not embarrassed to have trusted someone I love. And even though I was lied to, I will not become embittered and not trust again. Trust is something I give freely and I will not refuse to trust because it was broken in the past. I willingly forgive. Should I be betrayed in the future, I do not foresee myself being distrustful others because that is just NOT ME.

 

I also know my partners flaws, he and I know mine and we still love each other in spite of it. It is a love that has known great happiness, great sadness and the power of forgiveness.

 

And I ended up with the man I love and am compatible with in almost every way. The dust has settled now and everyone is pretty settled and happy. Time does heal all wounds and everyone eventually gets over it. And as it should, life goes on.

 

GEL

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