I don't know why I'm reacting like this

[Masoshi]

I posted some time ago on these boards, but it's definitely been awhile. Relationship with MM is chugging along. We have ok days and great days.

 

After a weekend of not hearing from MM, I was really pissed this morning. I didn't know what was going on. His last text to me on Friday night was super quick, that he was ok (in response to me asking him about a flight he'd been on for business) but not to text him. He looked like death in a meeting this morning and then he told me his house had been robbed on Friday when we had a second alone.

 

They took everything. Electronics, jewelry, etc., and understandably he's been freaking out. Then I freaked out (privately), and I can't stop shaking. Wtf is wrong with me? What am I so scared of now? I can't figure it out. I tried to explain to him, but I couldn't figure out what to say. I was afraid this event would mean he didn't want to see me anymore, I was afraid this traumatic event would bond him to his BW somehow. Why am I so crazy? He looked at me like I was crazy (which I am - ha ha) but really I don't understand my reaction. I said to him I felt like something bad was going to happen to us now. We had been planning a nice evening together but it won't happen now - Christmas will come after this week with an increasingly busy social calendar for the both of us...

 

I told him I didn't want him to think about me and my nerves when he was dealing with all this stuff from the break-in. But I must be really selfish because now I just keep thinking about myself and the fact that I just can't calm down. I feel selfish because I know he'll spend the week dealing with the insurance company, buying electronics to replace those lost and whatnot. And we won't be able to get together. I think of him replacing her jewelry maybe and I feel ill.

 

I don't know exactly what my deal is. He was puzzled by my reaction, and when I didn't want to explain myself he was adamant I do so because he didn't want to worry about what I was thinking on top of everything. He said this event has nothing to do with us, he doesn't understand my reaction. He had to burn one of my letters to him as he said his W would be scouring the house figuring out what was lost and said it made him sad on top of everything else he'd lost.

 

So what's wrong with me? I don't know, but I can't stop feeling an impending sense of doom.

[whichwayisup]

Hate to say this, but what you're feeling is let down. That he isn't relying on you to help him through this rough time. He's turning to his wife, dealing with stuff in the house that he shares with her. Not saying it's jealously, more like you're hurting and in pain.

 

This comes with having to share a MM with his wife and family. You want to be number one in his life but that's not possible. His life does go on - He goes out to dinner with his wife, goes socializing with friends, does family stuff, etc.. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but to give you a reality check. Either accept that you're the OW, have a certain place in his life on his terms, his time frame or realize that you could find someone all for yourself, find love and happiness, start a family with someone else if you were to walk away from your MM.

 

Anyway, write yourself a list of why you feel like doom is around the corner.

How realistic are your fears and worries?

[Carrot2000]

I'm not saying this to hurt you, but to give you a reality check.

 

I think this whole situation was a "reality check". You feel shaken because you now understand that his wife is real and that there is a part of his life that you are not privy to. It's entirely possible that this situation may bond him to his wife, and you know this. Not only is he shaken by the intrusion of the burglary, he may also be thinking about what harm could have come to his wife if she'd been there during the robbery. He may feel more of his home and family now.

 

He's confused by your response because none of this has anything to do with you; he may sense that your "concern" is actually more about yourself and the relationship in light of what happened rather than his well-being.

[Spark1111]

Well, I think it is something completely else.

 

You love this man, you want to comfort this man through the trauma of having his house robbed......and you cannot because he and his wife are comforting each other over their loss.

 

And that hurts. I get that.

 

But isn't it hard to always have to take the high road? To minimize YOUR feelings of pain so as not to add to his already difficult situation?

 

Because if you were a true couple, you would both be either commiserating with each other or comforting each other right now.

 

And you can't. Because he is married. And you once again have to put your true feelings on hold until he gets time to see you again.

 

And the true feelings you go have, have to be minimized so as not to add to HIS STRESS.

 

And that stinks. And you realize that. This may not be the last family ordeal either. And you just realized that he and his wife could once again bond over a family crisis.....that leaves you out in the cold again.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, as some around here want to settle into the role of the OW, to be second fiddle, it still has to hurt and know that you aren't number one.

Again, not saying this to hurt your feelings, it is a reality check, an acceptance of knowing how you fit into your MM's life. Your heart may not be able to take it, the pain might be too much as time goes on.

 

Have you thought about why you are involved with a MM? Other than "love", why are you with a man who has a wife, a life built with someone else?

 

I hope that you take time to read many OW stories on here, gain perspective. Go read stories about the pain and betrayal, the BS's side of things in the infidelity. See all sides of this and do some soul searching.

[Masoshi]

Yes, I do understand the logic presented here...

 

Part of me thinks that this is a "stressful event" and he can perhaps lump me into the "stress" category in his life and turn away from me. I mentioned that to him and he said no, that he wouldn't do that. He just needed to recover from this event and put things back in order and feel better.

 

And yes, I do want to comfort him but he is not one of those men that is one to really like being "comforted" by anyone. He likes to "fix" the situation on his own, put things back in order and then he feels better. I am not really concerned about him gaining "comfort" from her so much as the traumatic event bonding them. I think there is a difference but what do I know.

 

And yes, it is true I know I am pushing my feelings aside because I don't want to burden him during this time and it's not pleasant doing that.

[whichwayisup]

Again, saying this as to not hurt your feelings, but in reality.. He more than likely isn't thinking of you and how you are feeling about this now. His concern is with his wife, what was stolen, insurance, talkin to the Cops, settling things down in the house, keeping his wife calm etc..

 

If you feel you're going to stress him out, then back off and leave him alone for a while until he is ready to talk to you. Don't call him and ask him or tell hiim you're feeling hurt or feel doom coming your way.

 

Ofcourse it isn't pleasent pushing aside what you feel. But it is what it is and something you need to do if you want to continue on in your affair with him.

[BenThereDunThat]

I am just in awe.

 

You seem like an intelligent woman.

 

But, I've been reading your posts and just, wow.

 

I am a former OW (it was brief and I hated every stupid minute of it) who still hates the incredibly stupid mistake I made of getting involved with a MM.

 

While I still read this forum from time to time, I try not to respond because I know I'll just sound harsh and not understanding.

 

But, dang, woman! You need to REALLY read your posts. This man is stringing you along and you've made it quite easy for him. Do you not see how much you project your own feelings onto him? You take his wordless reactions and turn them into whatever it is you want from him.

 

And yes, I agree with everyone who said the real reason this break-in is bothering you is because that's a big life event and you are woefully on the sidelines....barely at that.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but your posts really struck a chord with me.

 

I really do hope that one day you find the strength to see with your eyes wide open....your actual eyes & brain, not your heart.

 

I also know though, that nothing we say here is going to get you there, you have to find that place on your own.

[Carrot2000]

Isn't MM supposed to be working on his marriage? And are you still holding to the 6-month ultimatum you gave him in June?

[woinlove]

Masoshi, perhaps you feel so bad about this because the ultimatum you issued MM in June only has 2 weeks left before the deadline you gave him to show you divorce papers and now this robbery may be an excuse for him to get an extension. Or did that ultimatum already fall by the wayside? Were you expecting him to leave his wife before the end of December?

[Carrot2000]

Masoshi, perhaps you feel so bad about this because the ultimatum you issued MM in June only has 2 weeks left before the deadline you gave him to show you divorce papers and now this robbery may be an excuse for him to get an extension. Or did that ultimatum already fall by the wayside? Were you expecting him to leave his wife before the end of December?

 

I agree. MM might also use the robbery and the "deadline" as a way to get out of the A.

 

Having one's home and family threatened can really put things in perspective...

[awkward]

He had to burn one of my letters to him as he said his W would be scouring the house figuring out what was lost and said it made him sad on top of everything else he'd lost.

 

So what's wrong with me? I don't know, but I can't stop feeling an impending sense of doom.

 

How did you feel when he told you he burned one of your letters? Perhaps this is the root of what is bothering you.

[Masoshi]

How did you feel when he told you he burned one of your letters? Perhaps this is the root of what is bothering you.

 

Of course I felt sad, but I didn't even know he had any of my letters in his possession anyway. I didn't know he kept them.

 

A lot of things in my life have changed since I last posted, including the fact I am starting a new job in the new year. I told him I want to be settled in my new job with my (work) life making sense without us making any decisions. I'm sure many will jump on me and say I'm letting him off the hook or whatever but this is going to be a huge change for me and I don't want to deal with our relationship as well. I am not going to be working with him anymore. I don't know what that's going to be like. Maybe he'll make no efforts to see me, and that'll be my answer all in itself. After all, I'll no longer be so easily accessible. His life seems the same as always - in that he chose not to make any real changes in his marriage and all the effort that was supposed to be spent on making it work never really happened. Maybe he's made them all in secret, perhaps. However, anything is possible.

 

I came on here to let out some steam and try and understand my feelings a little better. I feel like I'm getting pounced on and I guess I deserve it. I mean, what OW who wilfully stays with a MM doesn't deserve to be told how stupid she is for doing it, how much she is wasting her life, etc... And I may be a lot of things: including both (relatively) intelligent in straightforward, every day affairs and work... and a great big dumb fool when it comes to relationships. I believe it. I know I will figure things out for myself eventually. Right now, it was this robbery that shook me up, not how I feel about MM, and not how I perceive he feels about me.

 

I can handle people being harsh with me, and not because I'm not listening, but because I think about those things too. But I still do choose willingly to be in this relationship right now, that is just how it is for me. And maybe one day soon, or maybe it'll be a long way off, I'll say enough is enough, or something will change and it won't even be my choice. I don't know.

[awkward]

Congrats on your new job!!

[whichwayisup]

But I still do choose willingly to be in this relationship right now, that is just how it is for me.

 

If you truly feel this way then stop reading into what he does, or doesn't do. Don't worry about stuff that you can't control (MM, his wife, their marriage) and just enjoy what you have. As some OW say be happy with being the OW and don't focus on the bad feelings or hurt feelings, focus on the good times and happier times with your MM.

[carrie999]

I came on here to let out some steam and try and understand my feelings a little better. I feel like I'm getting pounced on and I guess I deserve it. I mean, what OW who wilfully stays with a MM doesn't deserve to be told how stupid she is for doing it, how much she is wasting her life, etc... And I may be a lot of things: including both (relatively) intelligent in straightforward, every day affairs and work... and a great big dumb fool when it comes to relationships. I believe it. I know I will figure things out for myself eventually. Right now, it was this robbery that shook me up, not how I feel about MM, and not how I perceive he feels about me.

 

I can handle people being harsh with me, and not because I'm not listening, but because I think about those things too. But I still do choose willingly to be in this relationship right now, that is just how it is for me. And maybe one day soon, or maybe it'll be a long way off, I'll say enough is enough, or something will change and it won't even be my choice. I don't know.

 

You're here for all the right reasons, and you can certainly expect to be "pounced on." Just learn to differentiate between those who are doing so in order to rip your blinders off and force you to look closely at the mess you're in (most OW/OM are in a mess, at least for the moment) and those who are just angry because they've been betrayed.

 

There's a big difference between "tough love" from others who can empathize with you and anger from a BS. That's not to say that betrayed spouses shouldn't make their opinions known here- it's valuable to hear honest input and feelings from those who have been hurt by affairs; it also serves to rip the blinders off, so to speak.

 

While everyone has every right to say what they're thinking in this forum, you (as an OW) have to approach it with that understanding. An affair, in our culture anyway, is not ethically or morally accepted. In my own moral framework, it was always worse than some of the worst offenses that could be committed in a relationship or marriage. Reading everyone's responses here has helped me gain plenty of perspective into my own mess.

 

Just don't let the responses here get to you. I mean, learn from them and allow them to make you think, but if you feel hurt or damaged by them, it's probably a sign that you really need to talk through this with someone in person. Let people make you think analytically about who you are and why you're here, but if you're doubting who you are, that's something you really should work through with someone who can listen without judging, and steer you to a decision that is right for you.