kyrisma Posted September 9, 2003 Share Posted September 9, 2003 I am in need of some advice! I have been in a relationship w/ a man for almost three years, but the last year and half has been very hard for me. When I became involved with this man I knew he had a son. I was a little hesitate with getting involved with him because I had always chosen not to get involved with a man who had kids because of the the possibility of problems from the mother. But against my instincts I decided to give the relationship a try. Things were going well for a long time, but towards the beginning of our second year together I began to become supicious of his actions and things he would tell me. My supicious of him still being involved with his son's mother became a fact and I was devasted! Not only was he still involved with her, he had married her while we were still involved. And to top it all of, she had another baby who was turning a year old. I won't begin to tell you all the excuses and reasons he told me why he did what he did and how her becoming pregnant was an accident and how he wanted to tell me about it but he couldn't because he loved me so much and he was afraid of hurting me. He tries blaming it on the children and his family. He tells me that his and her family pressured him and told them that since they were going to have another child that they should get married because that was the right thing to do. So according to him, he finally gave it because he got tired of hearing it. Isn't that pathetic!!!! At the time I found all this out, I had found I was pregant as well. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but he didn't want me to have it. In the end I ended up having a beautiful little girl. When I made the decision I told him, if he so chose to he didn't have to be a part of our lives, but he was going to take part of his responsibility financially. After fighting me for a while with my decision, he finally said that he wasn't going to do that to our child and he was going to be a part of her life. But of course that has been far from the truth!!!! He won't leave me alone as far as telling me he still wants to be with me, he loves me and he still wants to be a part of my life. I know all of it a lie and I know he is not going to leave his wife, because he chose to marry her while we were together so that tells me that's who he wanted. He also tells me even though he wants to be with me it's not that easy for him to leave right now because he believes it will be to devastating to his son who just turned 10 years old. So he still wants to be involved with me while he is married, until he can find a way to get out of it without hurting his son to much. Even if I believed anything he was saying, I honestly can not give him another chance because of all the pain he caused me by lying and deceiving me all that time. I don't want a relationship with him, but I do want him to have a relationship with his daughter. Our daughter is two months old now, and I can count on two hands how many times he has seen her since she was born. Plus he hasn't helped me out financially. He blames on the fact that he lost his job and his only source of income right now is his unemployment and he has other responsibilities to take care of first. But once he gets back on his feet he will handle his responsibility as far as our daughter is concerned. In my heart, I feel as though he has no intentions on taking care of my daughter and he is only going to provide for his current family. I need to know what to do? I am already in the process of filing for child support. But I need to know what to do as far as her having a relationship with her father? How can I get him to stop bothering me about getting back with me without completely cutting all ties to him for the sake of our daughter? AS YOU CAN SEE I REALLY NEED HELP, AND ANY ADVICE WILL BE APPRECIATED.... THANK YOU Link to post Share on other sites
cappie Posted September 9, 2003 Share Posted September 9, 2003 I don't think I can help you a lot, since this isn't exactly my area of expertise.. however, I'll try to do my best: I see 3 options so far: 1) he loves you and he also love(d/s) the mother of his other children (he's a polygamic kinda guy) 2) he loves you, but in too deep a pile of crap with his previous woman, who's also a mother of his children, which he can't leave overnight (or during the childhood of his other kids) 3) he doesn't love you. Considering the fact that he didn't run away at first sight of your pregnancy, I think he does love you, but that his situation is a bit hard for him to deal with. (however, considering the way the universe works, option 3 still remains a possibility). I think you should talk to a real person about this, instead of an online forum. Maybe you could ask a social worker for some help or something, or someone close to you, other than him. I bet you know some people who can help you with this situation (to fix it for yourself and your daughter anyway), friends, family or otherwise (like social services). That way you'll be (hopefully) relieved of some of the stress involved with this whole situation, and you'll be able to think more clearly and make better decisions about your and your daughters' future. Then, after you've gained some more peace and understanding for your own situation, you may try to start up a dialogue between you and him. Try to talk to him.. try listening to the REAL side of his story.. tell him that you only want to know the truth and that you don't care what that could mean.. trust me.. if he still cares for you like you said, it will most probably work... even if the truth isn't exactly that which you wanted to hear, you'll be better off knowing it... you'll be able to move on, with or without him. Just give it a try. Whatever you do, keep up the hope.. all is not lost.. I can't say when this will be over, but remember that this is just a temporary thing.. things will be better. You'll look back on this time in your life and remember how scary it all was, but how strong you were.. and maybe even joke about it Link to post Share on other sites
Author kyrisma Posted September 9, 2003 Author Share Posted September 9, 2003 Thank you so much for your insight. I posted on this site for a neutral opinion other than the opinions of my friends and family because sometimes they tell you things they think you want to hear instead of being completely honest with you. And I think your opinion and advice was completely honest and I appreciate that. I have thought about seeking the advice of a professional if things become too stressful for me to handle without any help. Thanks again... Link to post Share on other sites
cappie Posted September 9, 2003 Share Posted September 9, 2003 Originally posted by kyrisma Thank you so much for your insight. I posted on this site for a neutral opinion other than the opinions of my friends and family because sometimes they tell you things they think you want to hear instead of being completely honest with you. And I think your opinion and advice was completely honest and I appreciate that. I have thought about seeking the advice of a professional if things become too stressful for me to handle without any help. Thanks again... You're welcome We're all here to help eachother through our suffering.. luckily for you, you've experience some suffering already.. you will learn from this experience and use it in your future. The real suffering comes for those who don't think they can suffer at all. Whatever you decide, think before acting upon it.. see life as a game of chess.. try to predict a few moves in advance, pick the ones that look the best and are still logical when you say them out loud, and you'll be fine Link to post Share on other sites
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