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OW or OM perspective on MM or MW


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I'm curious...:bunny:

 

How did it start (they pursued you or were you friend first or it is an ex...)?

 

What does the MM or MW tell you?

Do they talk negatively about their significant other or is the attention mostly directed towards you (or both)?

 

Do you feel these MM and MW might be polyamorous? Like they love you and the significant other equally, but they know their significant other won't go for it. Or is it something else?

 

 

Thank you!

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I'm a MW too....

 

We spent a lot of recreational time together as friends, because of my job. His W doesn't really play sports, and I'm one of the guys when it comes to this. Started flirting, emailing (initiated by him). As the year went by, he met my H but I never met his W & he didn't invite me to their cool events. Then as we emailed, still kinda flirting but not sexting or anything, I got an email from another friend. It was sent from his inbox, saying "R had a really bad night last night & looks like he's not going to make it. Please send your goodbyes tonight." The next morning, my friend died. I just had 2 other best friends pass away that year too, and my H & his parents were in & out of hospitals for years. MM asked me to stop by his work, the next day was the funeral, and he kissed me.

 

We rarely talked about our spouses, I actually think he's happily married ?? He's never said otherwise. He has a lot more guilt than I do & I just flat out give up. I didn't want anything more. Right now, I don't plan on ever seeing him or talking to him again.

 

In my case, I'm probably polyamorous. In his case, I think he feels guilty & loves his W.

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2themoon&back
I'm curious...:bunny:

 

How did it start (they pursued you or were you friend first or it is an ex...)?

 

What does the MM or MW tell you?

Do they talk negatively about their significant other or is the attention mostly directed towards you (or both)?

 

Do you feel these MM and MW might be polyamorous? Like they love you and the significant other equally, but they know their significant other won't go for it. Or is it something else?

 

 

Thank you!

 

We were friends for over 12 years and when I told him I was getting a divorce ... he said "he wanted to be the man to help me get though it"

 

He never said he wanted to leave his marriage, nor did he bad mouth his W, and at the time what he offered seemed to be enough for both of us.

 

I had no intentions of getting deeply involved emotionally but the EA had started way before the PA, I did not realize how far we were in already at the time or how connected we were to each other.

 

I believe xMM had stronger feelings for me in the beginning, and I did not recognize them and if so I dismissed them as me not knowing what I was doing anyway, since I had never had an affair.

 

He pursued me, more than any man has ever pursued me.

 

I say He won me every day, he made sure there was not an hour that went by that he did not let me know he loved me and missed me, even when he was at home and on weekends.

 

We talked, texted, and saw each other every day, even on the weekends and after work. We were very connected. I always let him do the pursuing, one he was the one married and I felt he would stop when he was ready to or when he needed to and this was to keep myself in check (it did not work) and two that this situation had to be his choice till the end of it.

 

I did not stop him from pursuing me; he was relentless even after multiple D-Days and I was weak and needy and selfish.

 

I tried a couple of times, but it was half hearted, I loved him.

 

He asked me once what I wanted and I regret my answer till this day.

 

 

He told me all kinds of things, he said great beautiful things, silly things, sexy things, and every now and then tearful things, he believed I could do anything, he was a great support to me as I was to him.

 

Even before the A, we seemed to need the same things, so meeting each other’s needs was simple for us. We were wired the same way, dysfunctional, but the same and had a great understanding of each other. We both have low self esteem issues and we both were very selfish during the A.

 

 

He only quit pursuing me when I quit allowing it…and not a moment sooner.

 

He still never bad mouthed his wife and I would not want him to, if she is or was that bad to him, then he needed to leave that situation for himself and I never asked him to do this either. I knew about his M and the dynamics of it so I felt it was not my place to pass any judgments there.

 

I do think this MM did love me as well as his W, just in different ways. He did say he could not believe what he thought he wanted all the years of his marriage, was not the things he wanted now. He told me he had felt like that for the last 10 years of his marriage, I wish he would have left sooner before me, but he did not.

 

He has a nice life and a beautiful child, but he woke up every morning wanting to be with me… and he tried to make that happen in many ways, but it was not the right time and he was not strong enough nor was he ready as he thought he was (one would say he came to his senses, I would say he buckled under the pressure) I was there so I know the truth.

 

Neither one of us were polyamorous.

 

So that was that, I did what I had to and made it were he cannot come back to me anyway.

 

Do I miss him – yes

Do I still love him – Yes

Have I let him go – Yes.

 

I will miss and love him in some way the rest of my life...... and i am ok with that.

Edited by 2themoon&back
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I met him at an event. We looked at each other and that was pretty much it. He dropped me home that night (totally out of his way) and then we went for drinks and dinners and just continued.

 

He said he wouldn't be here if his M was good. He never bad-mouthed his W. He has been unhappy for many years. He had one affair 10 years ago which he confessed to his W about. They managed to fix their marriage for about 3 years until things started to go bad again.

 

I believe he is a one-woman kinda guy. But he is confused and messed up so no matter how we feel about each other, in reality he is not done with his M.

 

So yes, after 10 months, it's over. We had something, then it just died due to the toxic situation. Nothing can work under these circumstances, unless the MP is DONE.

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We were work friends and I found out he had a 3 year crush on me.

One day, he set up a gmail account for us both to post to so we weren't using work email (as his wife knows his password). I knew I was jumping off the cliff right then and there.

We started just talking about life, kids, etc for a few days and then he started emailing me or telling me to my face how good I looked and how gorgeous I was.

Then he told me he wanted to kiss me. Then, it graduated to more sexual talk. I never replied back in any of these ways but tried to steer the conversation more about general safe topics. We talked about books and other things we liked and soon after, he told me he loved me. He never pushed me to get physical. In fact, he kept me at a distance and most of our conversations were over the phone or email, even though we worked 25 feet apart from each other. He said just in case there was a one in a million chance we could be together, he wanted me to think he was "good."

He never said anything bad about his wife, in fact, he said everything great that happened in their family was the result of her.

Now that I look back on it, he pursued me and I was so stupid not to see what was happening. By the time I told my husband about it, it was too late and I was caught up in all the attention.

Why did I fall for it? I ask myself that everyday. I didn't think of myself as someone with poor self esteem but I certainly am a person who seeks external validation.

I'm in IC trying to find the answers to these questions right now.

I have NC with MM and he now works at another building.

My husband told MM's wife about it 6 months after the fact along with evidence.

I can't imagine what his life is like now and I constantly wonder if he really loved me or if I was used.

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We met through work. I would have never even noticed him if he didn't start pursuing me. He was initially very inappropriate in his advances and his comments, which wasn't quite working for me. He tuned in to me very quickly and adapted his behaviour to my personality, in the end taking a whole different approach, which ultimately worked like a charm. This shows what a chameleon he is.

 

He told me I was his salvation. He told me that this was forever. That no time or space could ever change how he felt about me......... I haven't heard from him in 7 weeks. I guess "forever" comes with an expiration date.

 

He never talked about his W; he was reluctant to discuss her even when I demanded answers. He told me there was no sex life and no love there, just a responsibility. No specifics were ever given. I now know from my sources that they are planning to have another baby next year.

 

I now simply assume that it was all just a very elaborate lie. Though the idea that it was all a farce hurts me to the core, it has aided in my acceptance that this is indeed the end. And it has removed any urge to go to him for any answers on this topic. I wouldn't trust any sound that came out of his mouth anymore.

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Thank you everyone for your answers! They blew my assumptions away. I always thought that cheating meant that men were unhappy and hated their wives, but it seems to be more. My ex or ten years acted like it was the OW that kept it going and started it, but that is not so for many of you. It is terrible what this did to your lives. I asked because I want to understand why men cheat.

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