I gotta chill

[lala0429]

I feel sick and so alone. My man has been seperated for four years. He has a situation in another state where he cant actually divorce. For the kids. I know he loves me but there are times like this where he drifts. He spends most of his time with me. He hates to be alone. I am not a big communicator so our conversations are lacking. Sex life is awesome but I wonder for how long. I love this man. The holidays are coming up and he is spending them back home with his family. I dont want to spend all my holidays alone and I dont want to live alone forever. He misses me when is not with me, I know this from the way he acts. I need help. Im doing his laundry now and he took a day trip with his friend. Comments welcome!

[BB07]

I feel sick and so alone. My man has been seperated for four years. He has a situation in another state where he cant actually divorce. For the kids. I know he loves me but there are times like this where he drifts. He spends most of his time with me. He hates to be alone. I am not a big communicator so our conversations are lacking. Sex life is awesome but I wonder for how long. I love this man. The holidays are coming up and he is spending them back home with his family. I dont want to spend all my holidays alone and I dont want to live alone forever. He misses me when is not with me, I know this from the way he acts. I need help. Im doing his laundry now and he took a day trip with his friend. Comments welcome!

 

Since he has been separated for four years, (are you positive he is really separated?) why would it be such a stretch for him to get the divorce?

 

If you are the woman he loves why is he not splitting his time between the kids and you during the holidays? Since he has been separated so long, why aren't you a bigger part of his life? Included in things with his kids?

 

 

It sounds like you are not happy with the way things are and you want more, why are you accepting less?

[lala0429]

I should mention that his family lives several states away. He has a handicap child who he adores. I have been in this relationship for almost a year. Is it too early to start making demands? He told me that next year will be different.

[BB07]

I should mention that his family lives several states away. He has a handicap child who he adores. I have been in this relationship for almost a year. Is it too early to start making demands? He told me that next year will be different.

 

 

Why not answer the questions I already asked so we can get a better picture.

 

Demands........no one likes to be demanded to do something. Expectations is probably what you mean right?

 

 

That telling you things will be different next year sets off a warning flag and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

 

So tell us more...........

[lala0429]

He travels to see his son every six weeks or so. He never commits to me. He tells half truths. He tells me that he loves me. I dont know how to tell him what my expectations are. I feel like a doormat. My daughter loves him. I miss him when hes not here. I am very dependant. So sick to my stomach. Tell me what I need to say so that I can describe this?

[BB07]

He travels to see his son every six weeks or so. He never commits to me. He tells half truths. He tells me that he loves me. I dont know how to tell him what my expectations are. I feel like a doormat. My daughter loves him. I miss him when hes not here. I am very dependant. So sick to my stomach. Tell me what I need to say so that I can describe this?

 

 

Ahhhh hugs.

Feeling like a doormat is a terrible feeling, been there, done that. We are the ones who have the power to change it, not him, just you, it's up to you only. It ain't easy but no one should accept being a doormat.

 

Back to my questions,

How are you sure that he is really separated? Have you saw the papers?

Does he work near your home?

 

What are the half truths he tells you?

[carhill]

Hi, welcome to LS

 

Out of the 365 days in the last year, how many would you say he has spent with you?

 

Have you ever seen pictures of his family and/or kids?

 

What does he say he does for a living?

 

Does he contribute to your support?

 

Is his separation legal, meaning with an official seal from the court?

 

 

Myself, if I wanted clear facts to base a healthy decision on, I'd hire a PI to follow him and compile datapoints to match up with his stated words and apparent actions. That sounds extreme. Had I had a few MW's followed, I would have saved years of pain. Lesson learned.

 

 

My credentials: MM, now divorced. Former OM. I've seen all sides of this and know the legalities pretty well, at least in my state of residence.

[lala0429]

We both work in the same company. He is a bit of a work a holic. He lives twenty minutes from me. We talk or text ten times a day. I see him at least four times a week outside of work. When he goes home it is a two day visit, the calls are limited.

 

I have never seen a legal document for his seperation but I am afraid to ask. He asks me why I challange him with this. I have heard them on the phone and it is never pleasant. She sounds angry ~ trapped. Its not a good arrangement for anyone but the child. I have children of my own, so I know children come first.

 

I have no reason to distrust him, he is dedicated to me but distant. I still have doubts about the relationship. It has never been a successful area in my life but still I remain hopeful and trusting.

[carhill]

OK, great information.

 

How often would you say in the past year has he gone to visit his child?

 

Is he a regular working stiff like me or is he a white collar professional? I'm trying to get a feel for why he'd have this sort of Plan B for an apparently destroyed marriage. Only thing I can think of is money, in that substantial assets/income are at risk if he divorces.

 

How long did you know him before becoming involved with him? How long has he been working for your company at your location, if different?

 

Does your company have facilities in his home state near where his family lives?

[siuys]

Lala, PI or not, i think you need to stand up for yourself, and follow your gut feel. if something is not right, or if you don't feel good about something, you need to be able to communicate with him. all this guessing and doubt and you've been together for a year. it's not too early to have a heart to heart imho. communication is key. if you cannot communicate with this man, and worse still, if you feel like a doormat, you need to look inward as well as dealing with the situation with him. sounds like he could hiding some crap from you - maybe nothing, maybe something... if you are a doormat, of course he's not going to bother to tell you. he can walk all over you and do whatever he pleases.

[alexandria35]

After four years seperated, I don't understand why he can't get a divorce. Why does he say he can't get divorced?

 

Are you a secret from his family? Have you met his parents, siblings, friends? Does his wife know that he is dating someone? Why can't he have his child visit him at home sometimes? I realize you say the boy is handicapped but if his father is truly finished and done with his marriage, shouldn't he be working on accomadations where his son could visit him?

[lala0429]

He goes to see his faithfully every six weeks. He stays for two days and comes back. He is management that works in the field. We used to hire him for six months out of the year. I never really noticed him, just used to process him in. He left the company that was close to his home to come here permanently. If I was his wife, I would have moved with him.

 

I dont know why he has not made arrangements for his child to visit him, maybe the distance. He is always on call and sometimes needs to report on a moments notice. It could be difficult. His ex communicates well about the child, sometimes sends pics. I dont see the point of them knowing the situation but then them not knowing leaves doubts.

 

For all intent and purpose, I do all the wifey duties. Laundry, shop for his clothes, help him with work, sex, affection. We just dont communicate well. I never know what to talk about.

[lala0429]

He is good with half truths and excuses.

[BB07]

He is good with half truths and excuses.

 

 

Again I'll ask why do you say this? The above statement.

 

 

lala.......I know it's hard. I think if I had first came here when I was knowingly in an affair that I would have hesitated to put it all out there because I would have been afraid of what might be said. So I get that if that is what it is.

 

Anyway.........Do you have suspicions that he is not really separated?

 

Hon.........don't make excuses for him, because obviously you aren't happy with the way things are. Making excuses......is what got you to this unhappy point and feeling like a doormat.

[lala0429]

I say he makes excuses and provides half truths because I am afraid I am not a priority. He cant commit. He never knows what he is doing. I didnt believe that this is an affair. I never thought so in the beginning. All the logic makes sense. I think that he may be a good man that feels responsibility for the family he has back home. He drinks and I dont think he is happy. I am very much co-dependent so I want to fix things. Always wanting to make things better for everyone. I find myself feeling lonely. Sometimes like a booty call. I want things to progress like a healthy relationship would. Its starting to look like an unhealthy relationship. I need to learn what makes me happy. Like I said, today he ditched me for a friend to go to the city. I will see him in a couple hours, he will bring me dinner and a small gift. This should make me happy? I want something more. I want companionship.

[lala0429]

Damn... I never joined a forum before. You guys are helpful. lol... keep it coming. I am impressed.

[BB07]

I say he makes excuses and provides half truths because I am afraid I am not a priority. He cant commit. He never knows what he is doing. I didnt believe that this is an affair. I never thought so in the beginning. All the logic makes sense. I think that he may be a good man that feels responsibility for the family he has back home. He drinks and I dont think he is happy. I am very much co-dependent so I want to fix things. Always wanting to make things better for everyone. I find myself feeling lonely. Sometimes like a booty call. I want things to progress like a healthy relationship would. Its starting to look like an unhealthy relationship. I need to learn what makes me happy. Like I said, today he ditched me for a friend to go to the city. I will see him in a couple hours, he will bring me dinner and a small gift. This should make me happy? I want something more. I want companionship.

 

Then DON'T settle Lala. There are men out there who will treat you like you want and deserve. Give up the thoughts that he is gonna be what you want him to be, he is not, he has already shown you this. Don't waste time waiting on hollow promises of it will be better next year.

 

You know what you want and he isn't giving it to you. Talk to him, tell him what you've just said in the above and don't let him bs you. Tell him........now not later. No one respects a doormat, so respect YOURSELF.

 

Big hugs..........cause I can tell you are hurting.

[SunsetRed]

Hi, I'm on this forum all the time as I'm still trying to heal up from my recent break up with my xMM. I still can't bring myself to call him a MM, but that's what he is. My guy had been separated, living apart from his wife for 3 years. We were together for 1.5 years.

 

Just before the divorce was finalized, he went back to her. Obviously now that he's NOT divorced and is now living with his wife (hurts me so much to use the word wife. I wanted to be his wife) he is a MM and the relationship is over.

 

I have no advice for you, but I can warn you that when you finally break up, the pain will be so bad it will manifest itself physically. I've heard this from other women who've gone through this type of break up as well.

I even posted a thread about why a break up with a Separated/MM is harder than other break ups. These guys treat us differently than Single BF's do. They act very husbandly like towards us and it pulls us in.

Even though deep down we know that this relationship may end, the break up still seems to come from out of no where when suddenly they pull the rug out from under us and prove their loyalty to their real wife.

 

My guy had been separated for 3 years, so it seemed like a good sign that they would never get back together. What I should have seen was that after 3 years, he wasn't making any real moves to get divorced. He wasn't getting divorced because he didn't want to get divorced and as soon as she gave one little wimper about coming back (which was when she found out about me) he jumped at the chance.

 

My break up was in Sept, so I am feeling less banged up than I did. I've tried online dating to get my mind off of him and to see if I could have at least a friend for the holiday, but all online dating has done was make me miss him more. So, my plan for the holiday is just to numb myself with busyness.

[fooled once]

He travels to see his son every six weeks or so. He never commits to me. He tells half truths. He tells me that he loves me. I dont know how to tell him what my expectations are. I feel like a doormat. My daughter loves him. I miss him when hes not here. I am very dependant. So sick to my stomach. Tell me what I need to say so that I can describe this?

 

He only sees his son every 6 weeks!!!!! OMG - definitely not a doting dad. Sounds like he views his son as a 'responsibility' vs blood.

 

And you have introduced your daughter to him? Yikes. Where is her father? How old is she?

 

You need individual counseling - you yourself admit to being co-dependent. That is NOT good at all.

 

We both work in the same company. He is a bit of a work a holic. He lives twenty minutes from me. We talk or text ten times a day. I see him at least four times a week outside of work. When he goes home it is a two day visit, the calls are limited.

 

I have never seen a legal document for his seperation but I am afraid to ask. He asks me why I challange him with this. I have heard them on the phone and it is never pleasant. She sounds angry ~ trapped. Its not a good arrangement for anyone but the child. I have children of my own, so I know children come first.

 

I have no reason to distrust him, he is dedicated to me but distant. I still have doubts about the relationship. It has never been a successful area in my life but still I remain hopeful and trusting.

 

Why oh why do OW think talking and texting make a relationship? I talk/text with my boss more than that but that means diddly squat.

 

You have no reason to distrust him, yet you admit he lies to you. You admit he doesn't want to commit to you, yet you stay in an affair.

 

May I ask your age and his age?

 

 

He goes to see his faithfully every six weeks. He stays for two days and comes back. He is management that works in the field. We used to hire him for six months out of the year. I never really noticed him, just used to process him in. He left the company that was close to his home to come here permanently. If I was his wife, I would have moved with him.

 

I dont know why he has not made arrangements for his child to visit him, maybe the distance. He is always on call and sometimes needs to report on a moments notice. It could be difficult. His ex communicates well about the child, sometimes sends pics. I dont see the point of them knowing the situation but then them not knowing leaves doubts.

 

For all intent and purpose, I do all the wifey duties. Laundry, shop for his clothes, help him with work, sex, affection. We just dont communicate well. I never know what to talk about.

 

So does he stay at his wife's house? Does SHE know they are separated? Maybe she stayed because that is where the best medical care is for her child? Maybe due to the crummy market, it made more sense for her to stay put in a house that they wouldn't be able to sell due to the market?

 

Companies UNDERSTAND people have families. I call bullsh*t on the "on call" all the time. Management usually aren't the first line to be "on call". So none of his family knows about you. isn't that a HUGE RED FLAG to you??

 

Um, wifely duties are more than sex and laundry. Do you sit and plan the budget together? Do you make financial decisions together? Do you plan for their child together? Do you plan a future together, such as vacation, retirement plans, etc? A maid can do his laundry and a mistress provides the sex.

 

You want more. Understandably. You will be alone for the holidays while he is at home with his family. I suspect your child/children will notice you down in the dumps and mopey on Christmas since he will be with his family and contact is minimal. How is that fair to your kids? That is why I suggest counseling - you have to learn to NOT be co-dependent nor dependent on a man for happiness.

 

Like BB07 - I wonder why you accept less. I wonder why you don't insist on more. I also wonder why he chooses to not actually divorce. I would guess that his wife may sound angry because she is basically a single parent and she is tired and would like her husband to be helping out at HOME. instead, he is off having sex with another woman.

 

You have two choices. Accept that this is the best you are going to get from him. End it. Not sure what other choices you have.

[alexandria35]

Well I'm kind of confused about the whole situation. You didn't say why he says he can't get divorced and you didn't say if you are being kept hidden. That's okay...you are not obligated to answer questions but it makes it hard to see the whole picture.

 

Why do you feel that his going to spend the day with a friend is equal to getting ditched? It's kind of normal for people to want to see their friends from time to time, it doesn't mean they don't care about their partner.

 

If you are sure that he is seperated and he has given you no reason to distrust him then perhaps this is just a case of you wanting a more serious relationship than he does. That doesn't make him a bad person nor does it make you a bad person. It just means that maybe he is not the right one for you. I don't think you should invest too heavily in a relationship that is not meeting your needs or making you happy. Plenty of fish in the sea.

[Gwendolyn]

I'm not sure of this, but would anyone know if the reason he can't go through with a divorce has something to do with his disabled child and maybe a money situation involving that? Although I would think that a single woman would get more help with her disabled child than a married, or am I wrong?

[alexandria35]

I'm not sure of this, but would anyone know if the reason he can't go through with a divorce has something to do with his disabled child and maybe a money situation involving that? Although I would think that a single woman would get more help with her disabled child than a married, or am I wrong?

 

I can't think of anything other than perhaps he doesn't want to get a divorce because he is afraid that his wife will go after him for more money.

 

Hard to say since we have so few details. It kind of sounds like the guy left home for a job and then started calling himself seperated but he still goes home on a regular basis and his wife doesn't know that they are seperated.

[carhill]

Yeah, I didn't want to lead the witness too much

 

Regarding special needs children and divorce, laws vary by jurisdiction; however, this man is evidently providing for his special needs child *and* maintaining a separate residence, even if only as a roomer. He's already de-facto living separately and apparently can afford to. Additionally, we do not know if they are gaming the system for public assistance for the child, a common occurrence in my jurisdiction. There are likely a whole set of circumstances the OP *may* be unaware of.

 

OP, if you find this situation unhealthy, are you ready to change jobs to implement NC? Is your work relationship such that, should this go sideways, it could compromise your career and ablility to support your own child? Aspects to consider, IMO. Perhaps his going home for the holidays comes at an ideal time; a time for reflection.

[BB07]

I can't think of anything other than perhaps he doesn't want to get a divorce because he is afraid that his wife will go after him for more money.

 

Hard to say since we have so few details. It kind of sounds like the guy left home for a job and then started calling himself seperated but he still goes home on a regular basis and his wife doesn't know that they are seperated.

 

That is what I suspect to, but lala hasn't been very forthcoming on the details. Her gut is telling her things but she may not be ready to face her doubts yet. Also she knows that the more information she tells us, she opens the door to making her doubts more of a possibility. Sometimes what you keep in your own head isn't as scary as it is when others say it out loud.

 

I have a special needs daughter and have been divorced for over 15 years and usually the single mom/child is looked at more favorably for assistance. I hate to say it but it's possible that this arrangement may be all about him and his wife having a mutual agreement of a separation supposedly as a front so that the child may be eligible for services that they otherwise wouldn't be. Some people do work the system so that the child can receive the biggest benefits. The thing is.......the wife may not be aware that he is actually pretending to be single by seeing another woman.

[lala0429]

I understand that this may bring about some negative comments but I cant seem to see the benefit of the family knowing about me. They are states away. The only benefit would be to me. I am not a martyr dont get me wrong. But what about the child? Ultimately its about him isent it? How would this benefit him?

 

I like the comment about using the time for the holidays as a time to reflect. Its what I plan on doing. I do call him out on bull****. I will tell him the way I feel.

 

Here is a fact that will infuriate everyone who reads it, including me. When Im done with this man, he will find another.