It was supposed to be just sex...We are both married.

[Jane Deaux]

I have known this guy since high school. We were both very attracted to each other at that time but never were able to act on it. That was 15 years ago. About a year ago I came across him on facebook. I admit that I searched for him from time to time on first Myspace, and then facebook. I finally found him. I immediately sent him a friend request and saw that he was married with two boys. So am I. I also have two boys. I really was just innocently trying to see what had happened to the guy that I just had never seemed to forget. Well. Less than a month ago I sent him a little chat message because he had posted a new Profile pic that was very intriguing, of him and his boys. I just told him I liked it. And said, I'm not stalking you I just like your picture.

He responded with Girl, I've been looking at your pictures and you can stalk me all you want. So I responded, well, consider yourself stalked.

 

So the chatting went on for a few days and became more flirtatious. He finally asked me for a different kind of pictures. I told him I had them but obviously were the kind I couldn't post on facebook. He said, yeah, that is just the kind I want. So I said, well how do you want them. He replied, In person. And that's how it got started. So we made plans, talked for two weeks and he drove down on a "business trip". We met at a hotel and had what I would have to describe as one of the most amazing nights of my life. Before or after husband. I had not cheated before but I am not in love with my husband. We got married after an accidental pregnancy and although I love him dearly as a man and a father for my children I just know that we are not suited in likes, dislikes, hobbies and even conversation styles. But we get along and do a wonderful job raising our children and having a family. So, with that said, he does not do it for me in bed either. I am HIGHLY sexual and I like it a lot kinkier than he does. So with this MM I had a HUGE spark already and then the sex was AMAZING and we carried on for hours. He was gently, told me he wanted to keep this going, secretly of course. I asked him if he was in love with his wife and he said yes. But he told me that he had thought about me over the years as well. At one point in the night he asked me where I had been his whole life. He kissed me, held me, held my hand and just treated me like someone who has a strong connection.

 

So... with ALL THAT said, here is my problem. He has become slightly distant since that night. We still chat a tiny bit but that is it. Nothing is said of that night. Just a few random conversations and nothing else. No asking or flirting or anything. I am trying to decide If he meant it when he said he wants a lasting affair or not. I want this. I want it so bad in my life. And I have not found anyone that made me feel the way he did that night since I have been married. I mean, I hadn't even found anyone that made me want to stray.

 

I know that was all over the place but I guess what I'm saying or asking is, How do I get in his head. What do I do to know that he does or does not want to continue. Should I leave it alone for a week or so and then talk again or will that make him think that I didn't like it and don't want more. I am beside myself worrying that he is regretting it and/or just didn't enjoy it. I just can't imagine why he acted the way he did and said the things he said, one of those things being, "if you lived here we could have this going on. You couldnt meet my friends or I yours but we could do this more".

 

 

 

ahhhhh, I'm a mess. Sorry so long.

[shayan]

If this man has any integrity at all he is thinking about the well being and feelings of his wife and family and that's why he is backing off. Wow what a sleeze bag.

 

I am sorry you feel the way you do about your husband, but that doesn't give you an excuse to cheat. If you are unhappy it is ok to search for a new partner but honestly after you have told your husband and family. Don't be a coward.

 

And don't go after a married man, you think if that married man cheats with you on his wife and family he will care to ever stay with you once someone else comes around. Please.

 

good luck,

 

I wish you the best and am so honest and stern because I care about you and your family and the other guy and his family.

[whichwayisup]

I have known this guy since high school. We were both very attracted to each other at that time but never were able to act on it. That was 15 years ago.

 

Why not?

 

Also, you say you've known this guy since highschool, but has he been a friend in your life for the past 15 years? Know you, your husband and kids? If the answer is no, then you do NOT know him..You know him from 15 years ago, not the person he is today. That is an important perspective to keep in mind.

 

Anyway, you are letting yourself fall inlove with this guy because he has whispered sweet nothings into your lonely ears after 15 years and you're eating it up. HE is looking for sex, an affair. That is it. He smells you falling for him and he's backed off, knows that he isn't as into you as you are him.

 

I say, divorce your husband since you don't love him - It isn't fair to your H that you are doing this to him and to your family unit.

 

Then you can pursue and continue an affair with the MM if you choose to.

 

Anyway, if you put as much energy into your husband and reconnecting with him as you do your MM, maybe your marriage would be better. Sorry to be harsh here, but I do have to wonder how much history you've re-written about your H and your marriage to justify the affair you're having. If your H stumbles across this thread (let's pretend) would he be SHOCKED that you feel this way towards him? I have to wonder how much lying you're doing to yourself as well as to your H, and to your MM.

[jthorne]

I swear, FB is the bane of all evil.

 

How do you get into his head? You don't. You can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. He said he was in love with his W (funny way of showing it), so he may (I hope) be feeling some guilt. If the evening was to his liking, once the guilt wears off, he'll be back.

 

So is this the example you want to provide to your two boys? You are already taking more time on this than maybe you should. After all, it's on your mind enough to seek out a forum. So what makes you think you won't get attached to him? Then what?

 

I'd tell you to do right by your H, but you've already blown that by having sex with someone else. I'd tell you to disclose everything to your H so he can make his own choices, but others have said it already and I doubt you will do that.

 

So I guess all I can ask you to do is think about what you are doing and ask yourself if some great sex is worth losing your marriage and hurting your kids. Temporary fun could cause long-term hurt for a lot of people.

 

Think seriously about what you are doing.

[U2RockZz]

if it's not a troll....then get a divorce from your h...cuz that is the best thing you could ever do towards your H...

[WTFBBQ]

if it's not a troll....then get a divorce from your h...cuz that is the best thing you could ever do towards your H...

quoted for truth.

[oxfordsocks]

I love my wife while he is with you? I just don't get that. This guy actually said he wants you as an addition to his "married life" . He has told you he wants you as a nice side dish.

Is this any different than a guy who tells the girl he is with that he doesn't love his wife and that he is moving towards having a life with the girl he is having an affair with??

Nope nope nope--just in this case he is at least telling you the truth . end result is he is still with his wife and your left on the side of the road.

If that is what you want and can live with than do what you wish. If not than hide from this man FOREVER

 

You don't love your husband so you will fall in love with this man. Can you try and rekindle anything with your husband--marriage counselling-sex therapy--anything before this goes to far. \liv authenically as you can for you and your husband and children

 

See all these edits--WTF?? I don't want to give advice--just my thoughts because i am in no position to give advice as i am struggling throught the pain of my own disastrous "affair" Take what you can from me--part of me is go for what you want--the other is get out as fast as you can.

Edited November 11, 2010 by oxfordsocks
additonal information

[sally4sara]

I had not cheated before but I am not in love with my husband. We got married after an accidental pregnancy and although I love him dearly as a man and a father for my children I just know that we are not suited in likes, dislikes, hobbies and even conversation styles. But we get along and do a wonderful job raising our children and having a family. So, with that said, he does not do it for me in bed either. I am HIGHLY sexual and I like it a lot kinkier than he does. So with this MM I had a HUGE spark already and then the sex was AMAZING and we carried on for hours. He was gently, told me he wanted to keep this going, secretly of course. I asked him if he was in love with his wife and he said yes. But he told me that he had thought about me over the years as well. At one point in the night he asked me where I had been his whole life. He kissed me, held me, held my hand and just treated me like someone who has a strong connection.

 

So... with ALL THAT said, here is my problem. He has become slightly distant since that night. We still chat a tiny bit but that is it. Nothing is said of that night. Just a few random conversations and nothing else. No asking or flirting or anything. I am trying to decide If he meant it when he said he wants a lasting affair or not. I want this. I want it so bad in my life. And I have not found anyone that made me feel the way he did that night since I have been married. I mean, I hadn't even found anyone that made me want to stray.

 

I know that was all over the place but I guess what I'm saying or asking is, How do I get in his head. What do I do to know that he does or does not want to continue. Should I leave it alone for a week or so and then talk again or will that make him think that I didn't like it and don't want more. I am beside myself worrying that he is regretting it and/or just didn't enjoy it. I just can't imagine why he acted the way he did and said the things he said, one of those things being, "if you lived here we could have this going on. You couldnt meet my friends or I yours but we could do this more".

 

 

 

ahhhhh, I'm a mess. Sorry so long.

 

He just wanted a quick fantasy and is now cooling it so as to not get caught.

 

The rest? If you and your husband are truly compatible as parents but not in any other way....

 

Why not have the guts to speak up about what he couldn't possibly not be at least aware of and ask for a different style of relationship. Like a poly one, where you both get to seek out people you're better suited for sexually and socially. Your husband probably feels a lack in his life too and since you're going to go be deceitful over your incompatibilities, you might as well afford him the same privilege while you two are still bound to the children.

 

Its the only way to stand a chance of getting some integrity back because if you think catting around on the sly won't affect your kids or the chances of you and your husband continuing to be a great parenting team, you're being naive and selfish. Not to mention how much you're overlooking this other fellas family when speaking about what you "need so badly in YOUR life". That's YOUR problem. Not this OM or his family's problem.

[goingstrong]

Man o man this is good. Let's see...men have affairs for 2 reasons

 

1. The thrill of the chase...check, he did that.

2.. The sex...check, he did that.

 

 

He will flirt again when he gets horny again....period.

[quankanne]

I just can't imagine why he acted the way he did and said the things he said, one of those things being, "if you lived here we could have this going on. You couldnt meet my friends or I yours but we could do this more."

 

and that, my dear, is your clue: You are nothing more than a booty call for a man who has no conscience about screwing around on the wife he "loves." There is no potential for a relationship here, because he's not interested in a "relationship" – just a no-strings-attached hook-up whenever he's in the mood. And chances are, now that he's "had" you, he's no longer interested ... the game of pursuit is no longer "fun."

 

at which point, I'd say write him off, tell your husband what's going on and together the two of you decide whether to work on the marriage or end it so that each of you can pursue the lifestyle you want.

[jwi71]

I am not in love with my husband. We got married after an accidental pregnancy and although I love him dearly as a man and a father for my children I just know that we are not suited in likes, dislikes, hobbies and even conversation styles.

 

Now, I will say upfront that I believe, powerfully, that an A is wrong. Of course, virtually EVERYONE agrees. We can surmise this because, well, A;s are hidden. So my advice is geared towards ending the A.

 

Many couples "lose it" (if it was ever there) over time - and it clearly looks like your M never "had it".

 

So why not file for D? I, as can others, can personally attest to raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted children post-D. Academic research also, strongly, supports that married parents are less influential than INVOLVED ones (per my old IC). I would ask that you pursue a life with a man who makes YOU happy. And, as life and these boards (and others), have shown me - MOST OW ultimately end up terribly unhappy (that obsessive wondering about HIM has already begun for you - it only gets worse).

 

Now, another way to end an A is to have an open M. If you can cheat then your H should also have that option. Since you don't love him (as a husband) then you should allow him the same opportunities that you enjoy. This kills the A as it EXPOSES it. And, should he also not love you (for the same reasons you state), then he may choose to remain M and you can each pursue multiple sexual partners. However, I doubt this works for either of you (presuming your H feels no romantic love you). I say this because physical intimacy, in a great many cases, leads to emotional bonds. And as the sex life picks/heats up the emotional bonds deepen. And since you have no attachment (emotional in a husband - wife kinda way) it may well lead to a D (as one, the other or both realize they can be happy).

 

Lastly, the easiest way to end the A is to...h...end the A. Not likely. You have tasted the forbidden ambrosia (sexual fulfillment and an emotional connection) and it IS addictive.

So... with ALL THAT said, here is my problem. He has become slightly distant since that night. We still chat a tiny bit but that is it. Nothing is said of that night. Just a few random conversations and nothing else. No asking or flirting or anything. I am trying to decide If he meant it when he said he wants a lasting affair or not.

Who knows.

The ONLY way to know is to ask HIM why, after a great weekend, he disappeared. We can guess till the cows but the doubts will always remain UNTIL YOU ASK HIM.

 

I want this. I want it so bad in my life. And I have not found anyone that made me feel the way he did that night since I have been married. I mean, I hadn't even found anyone that made me want to stray.

Physical bonds lead to emotional ones and its a viscous self-perpetuating circular descent into hell. One weekend and you are already walking the "What is he thinking path". You need to end this before it gets worse for you. Either refocus on your M or leave it.

 

I know that was all over the place but I guess what I'm saying or asking is, How do I get in his head.

You ask him.

No. Other. Way.

 

What do I do to know that he does or does not want to continue. Should I leave it alone for a week or so and then talk again or will that make him think that I didn't like it and don't want more.

This presumes HE wants more. Yeah, I know, he said all that great stuff. But words are easily lies. Or maybe he is simply busy at home with his W and kids. Or maybe it was just a one-time thing. Who knows. (He does so ASK)

 

I am beside myself worrying that he is regretting it and/or just didn't enjoy it. I just can't imagine why he acted the way he did and said the things he said, one of those things being, "if you lived here we could have this going on. You couldnt meet my friends or I yours but we could do this more".

Very predictable. Every A is unique and every A is the same.

I PROMISE you will drive yourself crazy if you keep this up.

 

Look...either accept that the times you can meet for hot steamy sex will be limited by your respective families or end it. Its that simple.

 

The problem is the "connection". It isn't REAL. It feels SO strong because there is no emotional bonds in YOUR life. We already know you H is not what you want or need so ANYONE will seem extra-super-duper great. The only way to judge the connection is to do so from a HEALTHY position...not one in which you are starved for the very thing HE offers.

 

ahhhhh, I'm a mess. Sorry so long.

Gets worse. Promise.

 

Either D your H and move forward (but there is a problem here...can you see it? Even this doesn't "solve" your problem)

 

Or confess the above to your H and allow him to see others. (Again, same problem as the D route...it really doesn't FIX anything. Likely makes it worse in the long run. I touched on it but damn its late and I think you'll see it)

 

End the A by...ending the A (oddly enough, this doesn't solve the problem either).

 

Hey...none of that solves the problem.

 

Hmmmm. If the problem is lack of RECIPROCATED emotional and physical connection (it is)...then how do YOU get there? How do you create that?

 

What do YOU think?

[Jane Deaux]

Wow. Thank you. That was very in depth. I do understand this. I need to make something clear though, that I don't see to have stated in my original post. Although I do not know for certain, over the last 4 years, I have multiple suspicions, time and again, of him cheating. In the past, especially when it first seemed to be happening, I tried to find out. I never could get a definite answer. I asked and of course he denied it, but my feelings and intuition were very strong about his actions. He did all the things a person cheating does. Started not wanting sex, wearing cologne more, talking about working out more, disappearing and saying he was doing something late in the evening. This happened a handful of times of the last several years and each time lasted about 4 months before it felt like he was "back". I never could get hard evidence, just my feelings about his distance and actions. NOW, I am not saying this is the reason I did this, because I that was the case, I would have done it long before. What I am saying, is for those of you who seem to think I am being unfair and not letting husband get "his action on" as well, I am quite sure he has, several times.

Now, I understand that affairs are wrong. 100% wrong wrong wrong. I didn't set out to do this. I know some do and some do not but most end results are the same. I have heard of a type of open marriage that is don't ask, don't tell. I feel like this is where we are headed. I had already gotten to the point, over a year ago, that I stopped caring if he was. I just focused on my children and I knew he wouldn't be going anywhere permanently. Our children are the most important to us and from an outsiders view, they would have no idea the problems we have romantically. We are both very involved with our children, as a family, family outings, being there for them like a mom and dad are supposed to and they see us, happy, smiling, loving. Because we DO LOVE each other and we LOVE our family, it is just missing that one thing. Now I know that I don't NEED that, as I said before, but at the time I wrote that post up there, I was feeling a bit more desperate. I WANT it badly.

I am very sexual and emotional person. But I have come to the conclusion that I will just wait it out, not get tied up emotionally, and if there is going to be great sex, I am going to do it. IF (that's a big if) he begins flirting again, I know, without fooling myself, that I will meet him again. I won't deny that. However I also am not going to sit around focusing on it. I went in there the first time with no intentions of feeling anything, his words and emotions threw me for a loop, but I am ok now. Those of you that put it bluntly, he did just want sex, and he doesn't want me to get attached, are absolutely correct. So I am stepping back and reanalyzing the situation.

 

Thanks all of you who took the time to respond. Even you that were harsh. I do understand it's wrong, and we all do wrong. I know it's something that affects more people than deserve to be affected. But right now, I don't seem to be able to talk myself out of it. I know, it doesn't sound like I tried, but I have. I have told myself his family and mine don't deserve any outcome that discovery would cause, yet I still long for it...

[YellowShark]

Man o man this is good. Let's see...men have affairs for 2 reasons

 

1. The thrill of the chase...check, he did that.

2.. The sex...check, he did that.

 

You forgot #3.

 

3. Finding an AP who doesn't respect people's marriages... check, he did that.

 

I have told myself his family and mine don't deserve any outcome that discovery would cause, yet I still long for it...

[Owl]

What do you see as the "ultimate outcome" of this whole situation? What would be your dream resolution here?

 

You and this other guy together long term?

 

Your H to suddenly "wake up" and meet your needs within the scope of your marriage?

 

What "goal" would you like to see come out of all of this?

[goingstrong]

Thanks all of you who took the time to respond. Even you that were harsh.

 

If hope you didn't think that my list was too harsh..it was just blunt. I am not judging the morality of what you're doing, your own conscience is your guide, but there are thousands of train wrecks like your's on this forum and virtually all of them end up 2 ways.

 

1. He is a cake eater and uses you...causing the woman alot of pain. ~99%

2. He is your soul mate, you both leave your spouses and live happily ever after ..after alot of pain for you both.~.9%

3. None of the above ~.1%

 

Good luck, but what I said about men and affairs is sad but true.

[jthorne]

Um, "don't ask don't tell" would be done where BOTH parties know that each is seeking outside "comfort". The difference is they don't discuss the if's and when's. What you are describing seems an attempt to excuse your behavior "because he did it first."

 

Why not get it out in the open? Say, "Hey, I know you're getting it elsewhere, so I think I'll do the same thing. I won't ask questions if you won't, but no more lies."

[jwi71]

Wow. Thank you. That was very in depth. I do understand this. I need to make something clear though, that I don't see to have stated in my original post. Although I do not know for certain, over the last 4 years, I have multiple suspicions, time and again, of him cheating. In the past, especially when it first seemed to be happening, I tried to find out. I never could get a definite answer. I asked and of course he denied it, but my feelings and intuition were very strong about his actions. He did all the things a person cheating does. Started not wanting sex, wearing cologne more, talking about working out more, disappearing and saying he was doing something late in the evening. This happened a handful of times of the last several years and each time lasted about 4 months before it felt like he was "back". I never could get hard evidence, just my feelings about his distance and actions.

Should this be the case, then it strongly suggests that your H feels the same towards you - loves you for what you provide but doesn't love you as a wife. Maybe he would be more open to an open M. But, repeating myself, that connection that YOU miss (and maybe your H too) will NOT be satisfied. This problem does NOT get solved by an open M. It gets solved by being in romantic love that is fully, openly and honestly reciprocated.

 

You can get that by trying to close the gaps between you and your H or getting a D. Both are frightening.

 

NOW, I am not saying this is the reason I did this, because I that was the case, I would have done it long before. What I am saying, is for those of you who seem to think I am being unfair and not letting husband get "his action on" as well, I am quite sure he has, several times.

Actually, you AREN'T letting him. You suspected and went into full on private-eye mode to discover if it was true or not. That's NOT letting him. That's suspecting and not finding hard evidence.

 

Which, to me, says perhaps you DO love him more than you think.

 

Now, I understand that affairs are wrong. 100% wrong wrong wrong. I didn't set out to do this.

Actually, you did. You thought about him over the years and sought him out. And I'm not judging you for it just pointing that out.

I know some do and some do not but most end results are the same

Yes, all parties suffer. That's why I seek to end the A. They are band-aids which, in the end, cause more hurt than they initially alleviate.

 

. I have heard of a type of open marriage that is don't ask, don't tell

No. Polygamous couples would go ballistic at reading that. Open M's are about having multiple sexual partners openly, honestly and with the full support of the spouse. And, they almost always have rules and guidelines. The emotional bond between the polygamous couple is NEVER in doubt from what I understand. We have, or used to have, a few Polys here...if they read this maybe they speak to what I am saying in more depth and detail.

 

Because we DO LOVE each other and we LOVE our family, it is just missing that one thing. Now I know that I don't NEED that, as I said before, but at the time I wrote that post up there, I was feeling a bit more desperate. I WANT it badly.

You are fooling yourself. Reread your first post. You are missing the sex AND the connection. You aren't just missing the ONE thing. The second hint that you are fooling yourself is the "What is he thinking" business. IF it was JUST sex, you wouldn't care what he was thinking.

 

Its ok to be confused. Its called the A fog here.

 

not get tied up emotionally

This is where ALL your pain will come from. Countless stories here and elsewhere that its just NSA sex. And then it all come crashing down and its hell. I personally believe, and have countless threads to support it, that physical bonds lead to emotional ones like I described.

 

I'm not going to try and dissuade you, ok I will, but the goal of NSA sex in an emotionally barren M is asking for hell.

 

So I am stepping back and reanalyzing the situation.

This is the BEST course of action.

I wonder if you and your H cannot reconnect? Do you think that is possible? I'm not going to walk the D path with you, you aren't truly going to consider it.

 

I have told myself his family and mine don't deserve any outcome that discovery would cause, yet I still long for it...

What would those outcomes be?

What would you had done if your H was cheating and you caught him?

 

Owl asked my next question....so, parroting owl (oh Im just full of puns today) what do you see as the end game with all of this?

[Lauriebell82]

NOW, I am not saying this is the reason I did this, because I that was the case, I would have done it long before. What I am saying, is for those of you who seem to think I am being unfair and not letting husband get "his action on" as well, I am quite sure he has, several times.

 

Um, no. You said before that you haven't met anyone who would make me want to "stray." I GUARANTEE that had this guy from high school contacted you while you suspected your husband of cheating, you would have jumped into bed with him in a second! Your husband cheated on you, so that resolves your guilt about having your own affair. I get it. Tit for tat.

 

Now, I understand that affairs are wrong. 100% wrong wrong wrong.

 

I think if you believed this, then you wouldn't have posted this thread.

 

Thanks all of you who took the time to respond. Even you that were harsh. I do understand it's wrong, and we all do wrong. I know it's something that affects more people than deserve to be affected. But right now, I don't seem to be able to talk myself out of it. I know, it doesn't sound like I tried, but I have. I have told myself his family and mine don't deserve any outcome that discovery would cause, yet I still long for it...

 

The reason I think you long for it, is because you do not have the "connection" with your husband. This guy from high school, he sounds like a jerk and this was probably not his first affair. Maybe his wife "caught on to him" and threatened to leave if he didn't break it off with you. Maybe he actually does have SOME respect for his family and feels guilty. We don't know. The fact that you are considering cheating again means that you are not satifisfied with your marriage and need to get out. Please divorce your husband, it will not be nearly as painful to site "reconsilable differences" then the pain that your A will cause.

 

And just for the record, I think that if you and MM did actually get divorced from your spouses and get together, you'd see that you would have your share of problems as well. The problem with affairs, is that it is a "fantasy land" type of place where you never need to have discussions other then "I can't leave my wife right now, the kids will suffer." That's not a relationship. You don't even know what this guy is REALLY like. I mean he asked for explicit pics on facebook! That just shows he is a sleeze bag.

[U2RockZz]

"I do understand it's wrong, and we all do wrong"

 

don't rationalize it and don't generalize it....whilst you are more than willing to do it again.....and what ever you said abt your H,if it's true (which i don't think it is)you claimed yourself that you don't love your H....then why put up a show ...just get the divorce and get it over with

[Jane Deaux]

Your H to suddenly "wake up" and meet your needs within the scope of your marriage?

 

 

 

I've talked and talked to him over the years and tried to resolve the issues. This marriage is based on the love for our children and has been since the beginning. We got married because we had a child together by accident. We waited till our son was 9 months old to make sure we could make it work and at the time I felt I could get more from him. I love my husband more than I can come across in a cheating website forum. Obviously I am here for a reason that begs to differ.

So yeah, it's been like this from before we got married. This is who we are as people. I'm loving, tender, giving, very direct, very open, emotional, and very very easy going and he isn't. From the beginning we have had a hard time with closeness, emotional love. He is unemotional, distant with his feelings, harder, doesn't even smile that much and just in general is the complete opposite of me. So I don't think he will "wake up". Nor will I.

 

 

Goingstrong: No I wasn't referring to you. I was thanking you. I thought you got your point across without rude, brash or unnecessary immature finger pointing.

Several of you did. But some responses seemed to be directly out of hurt or anger and were spiteful. But it's okay. I am an adult and I can take all criticism. Even the rude ones.

 

I'm actually a very different person in real life and noone in my life at all would even suspect this of me. Ever. Ever. Ever. I have actually surprised myself.

 

I don't have any real concrete idea what I want from this. I do not want to be with him permanently. I know that I do not want to get caught. I want both of us to continue in our marriages. We both want that I know. I am not going to tear up my family. I won't do it. I just wanted something to give me some of that old feeling back. Something to make my heart feel again. Not to fall in love but just excitement . So in the long run, I am sure this will just fade away and I'll go back to my non-emotional no sex everyday life with distant memories of this.

[Jane Deaux]

We never were IN LOVE. We have only ever loved each other for the reasons I stated. So that isn't something to GET BACK, because It wasn't there to begin with.

 

What I say is true about him and me. I am not trying to make myself believe anything in order to justify it. I am not saying he is a bad man. He is not. He is a wonderful father, and as I said earlier, from the outside friends and family do not know what is really inside. They see a great family unit who cares more for the children and do anything to make sure our children have a family. I was in a very very broken home and then a Childrens Home growing up and I won't do it to my kids. They are getting all the love, attention and blessings that we can provide for them.

 

Also, I did stop caring and "let him". The last one, I just suspected it, and continued on about my business. That's when I knew that I really didn't care, because..well...I didn't care. And I can't seem to make myself care if he is. I think if proof were presented to me my pride would be hurt and I cannot say what I would do if that happened. I would talk with him, and ask him if he wanted a divorce. Then go from there.

[YellowShark]

So in the long run, I am sure this will just fade away and I'll go back to my non-emotional no sex everyday life with distant memories of this.

 

But that is not what you deserve in life Jane Deaux, because you are:

 

...loving, tender, giving, very direct, very open, emotional, and very very easy going...

 

You wrote that your husband is:

 

..unemotional, distant with his feelings, harder, doesn't even smile that much and just in general is the complete opposite of me.

 

and that:

 

..it's been like this from before we got married...We got married because we had a child together by accident.

 

So if you want to:

 

...continue in our marriages.

 

and not:

 

..tear up my family.

 

Please seek marriage counseling with your husband by your side to find a middle ground where you two are happily married, instead of living your "non-emotional no sex everyday life."

 

I watched my mis-matched parents do that dance for 30 years and it ain't pretty. They finally got divorced and my father remarried and couldn't be happier, all the kids survived the divorce. But we barely survived in the parent's loveless, mis-matched marriage which preceded it.

Edited November 12, 2010 by YellowShark
punctuation

[Dexter Morgan]

I have known this guy since high school. We were both very attracted to each other at that time but never were able to act on it. That was 15 years ago. About a year ago I came across him on facebook. I admit that I searched for him from time to time on first Myspace, and then facebook. I finally found him. I immediately sent him a friend request and saw that he was married with two boys. So am I. I also have two boys. I really was just innocently trying to see what had happened to the guy that I just had never seemed to forget. Well. Less than a month ago I sent him a little chat message because he had posted a new Profile pic that was very intriguing, of him and his boys. I just told him I liked it. And said, I'm not stalking you I just like your picture.

He responded with Girl, I've been looking at your pictures and you can stalk me all you want. So I responded, well, consider yourself stalked.

 

So the chatting went on for a few days and became more flirtatious. He finally asked me for a different kind of pictures. I told him I had them but obviously were the kind I couldn't post on facebook. He said, yeah, that is just the kind I want. So I said, well how do you want them. He replied, In person. And that's how it got started. So we made plans, talked for two weeks and he drove down on a "business trip". We met at a hotel and had what I would have to describe as one of the most amazing nights of my life. Before or after husband. I had not cheated before but I am not in love with my husband. We got married after an accidental pregnancy and although I love him dearly as a man and a father for my children I just know that we are not suited in likes, dislikes, hobbies and even conversation styles. But we get along and do a wonderful job raising our children and having a family. So, with that said, he does not do it for me in bed either. I am HIGHLY sexual and I like it a lot kinkier than he does. So with this MM I had a HUGE spark already and then the sex was AMAZING and we carried on for hours. He was gently, told me he wanted to keep this going, secretly of course. I asked him if he was in love with his wife and he said yes. But he told me that he had thought about me over the years as well. At one point in the night he asked me where I had been his whole life. He kissed me, held me, held my hand and just treated me like someone who has a strong connection.

 

So... with ALL THAT said, here is my problem. He has become slightly distant since that night. We still chat a tiny bit but that is it. Nothing is said of that night. Just a few random conversations and nothing else. No asking or flirting or anything. I am trying to decide If he meant it when he said he wants a lasting affair or not. I want this. I want it so bad in my life. And I have not found anyone that made me feel the way he did that night since I have been married. I mean, I hadn't even found anyone that made me want to stray.

 

I know that was all over the place but I guess what I'm saying or asking is, How do I get in his head. What do I do to know that he does or does not want to continue. Should I leave it alone for a week or so and then talk again or will that make him think that I didn't like it and don't want more. I am beside myself worrying that he is regretting it and/or just didn't enjoy it. I just can't imagine why he acted the way he did and said the things he said, one of those things being, "if you lived here we could have this going on. You couldnt meet my friends or I yours but we could do this more".

 

 

 

ahhhhh, I'm a mess. Sorry so long.

 

what does your husband think about all of this?

[Lauriebell82]

We never were IN LOVE. We have only ever loved each other for the reasons I stated. So that isn't something to GET BACK, because It wasn't there to begin with.

 

Well, why would you marry someone you weren't in love with? Did you think you were going to be happy with that? I know you said that you got married after an unexpected pregnancy, but didn't you forsee that becoming a problem in your marriage?

 

If you are using the fact that you are not in love with your husband as an excuse for cheating, then I think you need to take responsibility for the fact that you brought these issues on yourself because you knew them from the getgo.

 

If you feel that you married the wrong person then you need to leave the marriage..not have an affair.

[Katharin Clifton]

To quote YellowShark:

I watched my mis-matched parents do that dance for 30 years and it ain't pretty. They finally got divorced and my father remarried and couldn't be happier, all the kids survived the divorce. But we barely survived in the parent's loveless, mis-matched marriage which preceded it.

__________________

 

Dear Jane Deaux,

I stumbled upon this forum rather by accident and read most of the responses before deciding to register myself as a user.

 

The main thing that made me decide to be part of this community is the sincere advice that seems to be coming from everyone. Though we are all faceless strangers to one another, the love and concern that comes across is very strong.

 

We are all part of this forum because Life, as we know it, is complicated. I believe that at our core, we are all good people with well-meaning intentions. Some times we screw up and are not sure what to do. But we want to do right by those we care about. This is why we come here: to seek advice and counsel.

 

I chose to respond to your post because it mirrors my own recent experience and I share your pain more than you know.

 

I too married my husband due to an unplanned pregnancy. That is not to say that I did not love my husband at the start of our marriage. We had a fun and passionate 1 yr courtship before we got married.

 

However, after 11 years together, our marriage began to feel the strain. Especially recently, when he started to go through what looked to me like a mid-life crisis of sorts.

 

Since last year, my husband started to become extremely unhappy with his life. He would take out his unhappiness on me and our 2 children. That upset me a great deal as i felt that our kids were innocent and should not be made to endure his self-loathing tantrums. We became increasingly distant from each other as i sought to protect myself emotionally from his unreasonable behaviour.

 

Then recently, in the middle of this year, i re-connected with an old friend from school through Facebook. We had not seen each other for about 16 years. But he had a been a good friend back when we were 17 years old. He was there for me when my heart was broken, to comfort me. We used to hangout as friends. And when he went overseas after graduation, we wrote to each other.

 

Right here, I must make it clear that back then, our friendship was 100% platonic on my side. I never had any romantic feelings for him. He truly was just a good friend to me.

 

Anyway, through Facebook, we reconnected last year. Since it had been 16 years since we last spoke to each other, i did not rush to tell him all the details in my life. Neither did he. I did not tell him about the problems i was having in my marriage, neither did he.

 

To cut a long story short, we met up, he developed feelings for me and when i was a little high from too much vodka one night (a few meetings after the our 1st meet up), he kissed me.

 

I pushed him away and asked him: What are we doing? You are married. I am married. Are you in love with me?

 

He sighed and said: You won't be able to handle the truth.

 

Then I asked him: How are we going to make this work if we really do have feelings for each other?

 

He said: I can but you can't.

 

I said: But you are married.

 

He said: Not for long.

 

(By the way, he does not have kids.)

 

He then went on to tell me that he was at a point in his life when he was ready for kids and would happily accept mine if i were to leave my husband.

 

I asked him if he's always felt this way about me and why he never told me about how he felt when we were at school. He told me it's because he thought a girl like me would never give a guy like him a chance.

 

That night, after our first kiss, as i got out of his car, he held me and said: Please don't ignore me after tonight.

 

The truth is, after that night, i was so confused and scared. My first reaction was to cut him off and run away from him. But when i remembered how sad he looked when he asked me not to ignore him, i relented.

 

We continued to meet a few more times and each time the physical attraction got stronger. All this while i never told him anything about the state of my marriage. Once i asked him: why don't u ever ask me about my marriage? And he said: Because I am afraid of what I might find out.

 

I honestly, did not know what he meant by that.

 

Then one day he asked. And I told him everything - about how i have been thinking of leaving my husband even before he appeared on the scene due to a host of reasons. It was then that I asked him: Now that I've told you what you need to know, what's your plan? Have you got one.

 

You know what he did? He back paddled.

He said: Seriously I have no plans for anything for now... Why do you keep asking me for a plan?

 

I was so mad I told him off:

So u made a move on me without a plan in mind? Since it was a mistake, let's stop all this now. If u haven't got a plan, I am not willing to go down this path with u.

 

You know what he said?

He said this:

But how much do you really know me? I am not sure if u really know me to be sure that you are falling for me...

 

I was like:

WTF??? After all the time that we've spent together and all the things that we said to each other, you are saying THIS to me NOW?

 

I was so mad i said this to him:

I will never leave my husband for you or any guy. If I do, it will be because I am ready.

 

Needlessly to say, I walked... AWAY from him that very night.

 

I am not saying it was easy but i knew it had to be done. You see, no matter what, you have to love yourself first! I have no doubts that his feelings for me were real and that he was simply confused. But as a man and an equal partner in the affair, he's got to be clear headed about certain things. I am not about to entrust my heart to some guy who does not know what he's doing!

 

I have got a healthy sense of self-respect and i know exactly what I derserve. You do too!

 

I never liked the fact that we were having an affair. I had always wanted everything to be above board. Which is why after 1 month I told myself, enough is enough. I want to hear your plan. Have you got one? No? Then it's goodbye. I am a mother of 2. I cannot be sneaking around with you like this. I do not like it. It is damaging to my self-esteem.

 

I wrote him off and regarded him as a heartless cad. But i soon realised just how wrong i was. His heart was truly broken and he has been utterly miserable since. My best friend tells me that it's probably because he really did love me and that i crushed him when i told him so brutally that i'd never leave my husband for him.

 

So i too have been in emotional purgatory these past few months. I miss him and i do have strong feelings for him. WE miss each other. But we have not made any effort to meet since the fall out.

 

If anyone has anything insights to share regarding my situation, i look forward to hearing them.

 

I am sorry if my reply is so long.