question regarding the kids

[minx33]

Hey all

New here and never posted before, but have been lurking for a while. My question is do you really think AP is a good parent even while in an affair? It seems to me they are not bby default because generally time is being taken from them. Are they a good role model really? I guess I have personally interst in this because my father had multiple affairs, and even used me as an excuse. Its been 17 years and I'm a better perrson without him in my life because of it, I'm really curious what the OP thoughts are

[bentnotbroken]

There is a similar thread over in infidelity.

[desertIslandCactus]

You know there was a radio psychologist who always said that once a person divorces, they shouldn't remarry until their children were 18. Her reasoning was that she felt children are the victims with divorce..

 

This may seem radical.. But I do think stepparents can have resentment and be short tempered - and that the new marriage can just take away from the (already hurting) children.

[minx33]

Thank you for replying. To clarify, I believe with everything I have that it is far better to divorfe and remarry then have an affair as far as the kids are involved. I know I lived it. I could have accepted a stepparent, but not the blatent selfishness and disrespect. Does that make sense? I have no anomisity torward the OWs, I'm sure he lied his ass off. But my real question is, do you really believe they are good parents that would do anyt4hing for his kids?

[desertIslandCactus]

Thank you for replying. To clarify, I believe with everything I have that it is far better to divorfe and remarry then have an affair as far as the kids are involved. I know I lived it. I could have accepted a stepparent, but not the blatent selfishness and disrespect. Does that make sense? I have no anomisity torward the OWs, I'm sure he lied his ass off. But my real question is, do you really believe they are good parents that would do anyt4hing for his kids?

 

Of course not.

 

My OW is extremely manipulative. My xH contacted cancer.. Months before he died, she took him off to her attorney and had my sons written out of their father's will .. Their grandfather's estate settled 10 yrs after their father died - so they were left out in the cold with the sentence "I make no provisions herein for my sons" .. Her grown daughters were in the will though.

 

She is an insecure woman who joined my H in saying angry things about me in front of my sons. And she resented my sons. If my husband gave them anything - it had to matched for her daughters.

 

I'm just greatful he waited. I would think the worst a mother would suffer would be that of having another woman partake in the raising of her children.

 

With her new husband - story is the same according to his children, and there have been 3 or 4 revisions to his will, and with the same jealousy, insecurities toward his children ..

[Kismetly]

This may seem radical.. But I do think stepparents can have resentment and be short tempered - and that the new marriage can just take away from the (already hurting) children.

 

Yep, that is radical. As well as a gross generalisation and a little bit offensive.

 

I have 3 step-children who lived with me for 10 years. I love them all and despite being divorced from their father have a very close and loving relationship with all of them.

 

I wasn't the OW and my XH had been divorced for 5 years before we got together - but I don't think it matters. Step-parent/children relationships can be wonderful and it's very unfair and limited to say that step-parents can be "resentful and short tempered" I know some parents who can be resentful and short tempered too.

[desertIslandCactus]

Yep, that is radical. As well as a gross generalisation and a little bit offensive.

 

I have 3 step-children who lived with me for 10 years. I love them all and despite being divorced from their father have a very close and loving relationship with all of them.

 

I wasn't the OW and my XH had been divorced for 5 years before we got together - but I don't think it matters. Step-parent/children relationships can be wonderful and it's very unfair and limited to say that step-parents can be "resentful and short tempered" I know some parents who can be resentful and short tempered too.

 

The generalization was as noticed through life with others - and also my sons' and grandson's experiences.

[maravilla]

Well honestly I don't think MM has been the best parent while he's been with me. I say this not as a parent because I'm not one but as a child of a dad who was always there for me. He made me and my sibs his first priority no matter what was going on between him and my mom. Just thinking of it makes me grateful- I think I should thank him! MM on the other hand is rarely with his kids. Jus recently he has started having his son over to his place (he is separated) and says he will have him three times a week. This makes me really happy for his son and I hope he and daughter can forge a similar bond.

 

I understand the significance of the fact that he has kids. I encourage him to keep a good relationship with them. If we end up together I will do whatever is in their best interest. Some may say this means him staying with their mom but I don't agree. I think if he is happy, which he wasn't with her, and a good dad, then they will be happy.

[minx33]

Thank you meriville for replying. Again I have no anomisty towards my fathers muliple Pw. I am still curious however, did you as an OP ever think of that? In my personal situation, I will never forgive him for cheating on my mom, even though there relatonship there were many problems. He disgusts me with his behavior. He took my baby sis who had no idea what was going on to dinner with the current OW 2 days afterwards. That sealed the deal for me

[maravilla]

Wow minx33 that really stinks.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Yes I do think about his kids and I felt bad. I don't know if it makes it any better but I told him that I couldn't help him betray his family and lead a double life. I was attracted to him but we had to stop. It always went against my convictions. I know that doesn't make sense. But at that point he left. I feel like he wasn't a good dad when he was unhappily married and now maybe he can be a better dad when he's happy. Perhaps I'm naïve. I refuse to be around his kids until he's divorced. I think that would just be too confusing for them. I can relate to his daughter and sometimes I feel like I'm looking out for them more than he is. Which makes no sense because I barely know them and I do know they would prefer for him to stay with his mom. It's a very messed up situation.

 

I do know that I will only have kids if at all with the person I love and intend to be with forever, and I will never ever cheat on their dad. I just know that for a fact.

[OWoman]

Hey all

New here and never posted before, but have been lurking for a while. My question is do you really think AP is a good parent even while in an affair? It seems to me they are not bby default because generally time is being taken from them. Are they a good role model really?

 

I guess it all depends on how they respond in the A.

 

When I was a kid, my father and mother stayed together "for the kids" long after they should have split, and we lived in a house of low-grade hostility (at best) with my father present in body, but absent in mind. When I was an older teen, he met an OW and started an A - though I didn't know this at the time - and he became a different person entirely. Because they met in a work context, he was still at home the same amount as before (no time was "stolen" from the family) but when he was home he was very different to how he'd been before. He interacted with us kids, he'd allow us into his private workspace, he'd do stuff with us, and show an interest in our lives - which had never happened before. (His R with my mother stayed as broken as before - no better, but no worse, either). It was only once we'd left home and my parents split that I found out what had happened (from a work colleague of his). I felt really sad and sorry that he hadn't had the courage to leave my mother earlier, and marry his OW then, so that we'd at least have had one happy home. So no, not a great role model - he taught me that "staying for the kids" is possibly the very worst thing you could ever do to kids, and that lacking the courage to follow your heart benefits nobody in the long run.

[UntoldStory]

Although participating in an A would certainly contribute to an AP being ea lousy parent, a selfish, self-centered person will be a lousy parent no matter what. It took me a long time to see this about my father -- that the fact that my parents D'd and he "chose" a new W and new daughters isn't the reason he was a terrible dad. I would have ended up with the same daddy issues even if I had grown up with him in the house.

[greengoddess]

Although participating in an A would certainly contribute to an AP being ea lousy parent, a selfish, self-centered person will be a lousy parent no matter what. It took me a long time to see this about my father -- that the fact that my parents D'd and he "chose" a new W and new daughters isn't the reason he was a terrible dad. I would have ended up with the same daddy issues even if I had grown up with him in the house.

 

very true. The thing is these men insist they are great parents as to the reason they won't leave. somehow they make this seem believable to the person who is helping him spend less and less time with his family. Unless of course the affair is carried on from only 9 to 5 work hours and no family time is sacrificed. Then if that is the case how can you believe you are the love of his life if no sacrifice is made for you? Why would you put up with an only working hours boyfriend? it's such a circular mess.

[In_Repair]

Hey all

New here and never posted before, but have been lurking for a while. My question is do you really think AP is a good parent even while in an affair? It seems to me they are not bby default because generally time is being taken from them. Are they a good role model really? I guess I have personally interst in this because my father had multiple affairs, and even used me as an excuse. Its been 17 years and I'm a better perrson without him in my life because of it, I'm really curious what the OP thoughts are

 

I'm sure you meant a married AP, and I can't comment personally about that... but as an OM, I still always put my children first. I have 50% custody and my MW just had to accept that I was only accessible during the day, while they were at daycare/preschool, when they were staying with me. As a matter of fact, since splitting with the wife two years ago, I have only introduced one woman to my children as my "girlfriend"... and no, it wasn't MW. It seems to piss women off when they feel like they have to pass some series of tests just to meet my kids, but they are free to hit the road if they can't respect my wishes as a parent.

 

As for my wife, she slipped as a parent when she was having her EA. I'm not just saying that as a dig towards her either, and she actually admitted to it at one point. Seeing that disconnect between her and my children only motivated me to be a better parent.

[fooled once]

Hey all

New here and never posted before, but have been lurking for a while. My question is do you really think AP is a good parent even while in an affair? It seems to me they are not bby default because generally time is being taken from them. Are they a good role model really? I guess I have personally interst in this because my father had multiple affairs, and even used me as an excuse. Its been 17 years and I'm a better perrson without him in my life because of it, I'm really curious what the OP thoughts are

 

No, I do not.

 

They like to claim they are, but instead of spending their 'free' time with their kids, they are with their mistress. No, they are not good role models, IMHO. Good role models are honest and upfront about issues, they don't go sneaking around and lying.

 

I would have NO respect for my dad if he cheated on my mom because he taught me to be honest, trustworthy and respectful -- all things, IMHO, a cheater isn't.

 

I would also wonder if my dad was with his mistress instead of at work when he missed a school event or a family dinner. I would question all the excuses he gave for missing family time.

 

Parents put their kids needs above their own (until their kids are grown). Parents should be selfless and not selfISH. Parents should be role models, not people who give lip service. Parents are NOT perfect, and no one expects them to be. If a marriage isn't meeting needs and no amount of counseling or discussion between the marital parties fixes the issues, then DIVORCE or separate, NOT cheat.

[Baroness67]

I will reply here only as having been a child of parents where there was a pretty whopping affair that destroyed the marriage.

 

While the affair was going on, I slowly became aware of it, as the affair was with a neighbor who had a daughter I played with. I have been coy in other posts, but what the hell, it was my Dad. I could not say when the affair started, but I remember with great clarity the time my friend and I were playing in the kitchen, and we both watched my Dad and her mom scamper between the bedroom and the bathroom in their robes (this was an apartment).

 

I never again felt the same towards my Dad. Ever. EVER. In fact, as I entered teenage life, my flesh literally started to crawl. When he commented on my figure, I stopped eating.

 

When my mother became aware of the affair, she used the available excuse and left. Packed up and shipped out to the nearest City. She was a former model and never wanted to be a housewife anyway. This was the 70's and she felt she still had the Ali McGraw going.

 

Whatever.

 

I have never, ever, ever looked at either of my parents the same again. Also, when I found out that the neighbor woman that my Dad was sleeping with had cancer, I smiled.

[pureinheart]

Thank you for replying. To clarify, I believe with everything I have that it is far better to divorfe and remarry then have an affair as far as the kids are involved. I know I lived it. I could have accepted a stepparent, but not the blatent selfishness and disrespect. Does that make sense? I have no anomisity torward the OWs, I'm sure he lied his ass off. But my real question is, do you really believe they are good parents that would do anyt4hing for his kids?

 

Before you judge too harshly, just try to understand you are not him. Stepparents aren't all that great IMO, certainly there are some good ones, I've seen a couple in this forum that I know are cool. My personal experience wasn't so hot. So possibly it was meant to be for you ...who knows...