Men Who Stay In Unhappy Marriages For Financial Reasons

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I am aware this subject has probably been done to death on this board, however I thought I would start a new thread on this specific matter...

 

I was just thinking, what man would risk leaving his wife and losing everything he has ever worked for (amongst all the other major obstacles/problems that come with separation/divorce) to be with the other woman? I know this varies depending on the state but here in the UK, if a wife divorces her husband on the grounds of adultery then he is taken to the cleaners and loses everything.

 

So let's just imagine a guy in his 40's who has been married for decades, he is a company director bringing home an ample salary, has a big house in the suburbs with 2 kids and a dog, his wife is a stay at home Mum. He is unhappy in his marriage for whatever reason and ends up cheating on his wife and falling in love with another woman. If he leaves he is liable to pay for the standard of living that his wife and kids have become accustomed to - meaning maintanence for the kids, still paying the mortgage/other bills etc etc. More than likely he will lose the house as well, probably not even be entitled to a percentage. On top of that, he will have to pay for a new place for himself with or without the other woman, plus a whole new set of bills, food, car, and all the other essentials.

 

Therefore, how is leaving for the other woman even financially possible for most?!

 

I think money has everything to do with why many men end up staying.

 

I know that staying in an unhappy situation is futile and unfair on all parties, but which is the better option here???

 

Lose all material things and struggle financially yet be emotionally happy and honest with everyone, or stick with the status quo but be unhappy and unfulfilled?

[anne1707]

Well the situation you describe is as good as identical to what happened with my parents - UK, father was a co director, affair, dog etc (except that my brother and I stayed with my father). However that's where it ends. My father still had a good house, good standard of living etc and yes he did pay maintenance to my mother even though she started working full time again.

 

So basically the financial reasons argument could quite possibly be just a plain simple cop out to avoid telling the truth. Sorry - not what you want to hear I think.

[herenow]

The kind of man that does the things you mention is the kind of man who loves his possessions more than he loves the OW.

 

My questions is, what kind of man treats two women like crap just so he can live in a nice house and have nice things?

 

IMO, men use excuses like money, kids, etc, so that they can continue to do whatever they want with the OW never questioning their motives and the BW living in the dark.

 

I always have to ask: With the divorce rate so high, what kind of man doesn't get one if he feels he wants to move on (especially if he is in love with an OW)? It's obviously not impossible to get a divorce and move on, so what makes these men so different? My answer would be, they don't leave because they don't want to.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Sure, financial reasons factor in. But it's not usually as bleak as you described it. At least not here in the states. Even in places where a division can be much more inequitable due to cause, it makes me question why one would risk all of that to have an A instead of leaving in the first place. Doesn't it make more sense to get out and ensure an equitable division than the other way around?

 

I think it has more to do with not wanting to part with some of their assets versus not being able to. They say that statistically, a man's financial outlook is better after divorce than a woman's.

 

I think it really boils down to them being able to have it all when they're in an A. Why would they willingly part with anything if they don't HAVE to?

 

Yes totally - why risk giving up either when they get the best of both worlds, many MM are obviously very happy with having a 'safe' and comfortable home life, with a mistress on the side to spice up his life or to add excitment to a boring mundane existance.

 

In the UK, even if the split is amicable, and pre getting involved with another woman, a man can expect to lose half of what he has worked for all his life, especially if he has dependents as the priority is keeping a roof over their head. This is why I still think splitting up is often impossible and financially just not feasable.

[herenow]

Yes totally - why risk giving up either when they get the best of both worlds, many MM are obviously very happy with having a 'safe' and comfortable home life, with a mistress on the side to spice up his life or to add excitment to a boring mundane existance.

 

In the UK, even if the split is amicable, and pre getting involved with another woman, a man can expect to lose half of what he has worked for all his life, especially if he has dependents as the priority is keeping a roof over their head. This is why I still think splitting up is often impossible and financially just not feasable.

 

How does something so impossible happen so often? I'm pretty sure divorce isn't only for the wealthy.

[Star_Bright]

I think they are just material possession that shouldn't matter as much as love, happiness, freedom... whatever MM is so unhappy with in his own marriage.

 

I get that people work for things... a house and car and all of that... but to me other goals are more important that material possessions and I wouldn't want a man who valued material possessions so much that he used it as a reason to stay "stuck" in a supposedly bad marriage and not be with me, the one he claims he loves and who makes him happy (if I were the OW in this situation).

 

On the other hand... whenever the wife doesn't kick the cheating MM out then a lot of people say, "well, who can blame her, she has built this life with him, they have their house and friends and everything they've worked for together..." and I think that's bologney just as much as an MM cheating but not leaving because of these things. (I do realize the wife is innocent and the MM is not... still, to me, staying for material reasons or fear of change is never a good excuse for either party). Perhaps I shouldn't give my opinion because this hasn't happened to me, so really I don't know what I would do. But I think that IF I were the stay at home mom in that situation I wouldn't want to stay with a cheating MM or be kept in the dark due to financial reasons. It seems to me that many times women do stay for these reasons though. I'm not trying to turn this around against the wife, and I think it is usually also that she loves her husband and wants to forgive him and believe him, that she probably stays, so I am just trying to say that for me personally I could never stay with someone JUST because of creature comforts. Life is too short and these things can always be re-built in the future... in a better situation than staying in this type of relationship (unhappy MM).

[Dexter Morgan]

I was just thinking, what man would risk leaving his wife and losing everything he has ever worked for (amongst all the other major obstacles/problems that come with separation/divorce) to be with the other woman?

 

well I didn't leave for another woman, I left because my xW was cheating.

 

and I didn't give a crap about finances. I'd rather have had no money and free, than money and have to look at her every day.

 

but it didn't turn out that way, financial recover WILL happen.

 

 

So let's just imagine a guy in his 40's who has been married for decades, he is a company director bringing home an ample salary, has a big house in the suburbs with 2 kids and a dog, his wife is a stay at home Mum. He is unhappy in his marriage for whatever reason and ends up cheating on his wife and falling in love with another woman. If he leaves he is liable to pay for the standard of living that his wife and kids have become accustomed to - meaning maintanence for the kids, still paying the mortgage/other bills etc etc.

 

he would be liable for child support, and MAYBE alimony. And if the wife gets the house, she will have to pay the husband, somehow, his 1/2 of the equity in the house and pay her own mortgage .....and again, that may be through alimony since she is a stay at home mom.

 

Where I live, it didn't matter that my xW was a stay at home mom. The court saw her as having "means" because she had a degree.

 

So I only pay child support. If she or the courts were concernced about their standard of living, then they can feel free to give me custody at any time.

 

 

More than likely he will lose the house as well

 

again, he still is entitled to 1/2 the equity. So she may negotiate to give up that 1/2 by not taking that amount from her 1/2 of retirement or other assets.

 

but I'll say this, he SHOULD lose everything to her since he is the cheater. I think that should be the law...cheater forfiets a greater share of assets:)

 

 

On top of that, he will have to pay for a new place for himself with or without the other woman, plus a whole new set of bills, food, car, and all the other essentials.

 

Therefore, how is leaving for the other woman even financially possible for most?!

 

 

should have thought of that and put the hard work in it takes to be married and raise a family before boning another woman.

 

 

I think money has everything to do with why many men end up staying.

 

me too....I thought about the finances myself, but in the end, I didn't care. No way was I going to be unhappy.

 

 

Lose all material things and struggle financially yet be emotionally happy and honest with everyone, or stick with the status quo but be unhappy and unfulfilled?

 

I don't know how it is in the UK, but nobody loses all material things.

 

each party is entitled to half the marital assets and can be negotiated on exactly how it is split so that each party receives half or close to it. again, for example, the wife taking less of the husband's retirement to pay him his 1/2 the equity in the house if she gets the house.

 

now alimony is an entirely different matter....most courts, I believe, won't entertain the idea. But I think in the event the husband is a cheater, the wife should get it:)

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

How does something so impossible happen so often? I'm pretty sure divorce isn't only for the wealthy.

 

Hmm makes you wonder?

 

Perhaps the argument or excuse men use about not leaving due to money does not hold water.

 

I have heard it soooo much though, where the men cannot face leaving due to losing what they have worked hard for.

 

I know material things are most definitely NOT everything by any means, however I can understand why people would be reluctant to lose alot and have to downgrade their lifestyle.

 

If it was me I would follow my heart as I would rather be emotionally happy and poorer than well off and miserable but there you go. Some people are shallow.

[BB07]

Anyone who is contemplating divorce has to consider the financial side of it among everything else, but in situations with mm/mw it's often used as another excuse IMO. Divorce happens every day and freedom does not come without a price. It depends on how much that freedom is worth to the individual.

[jthorne]

Well, I think MM use money as an excuse.

 

Before we were married, but heading towards engagement, my H was offered a very lucrative business proposition that would have required him to move 150 miles away. With my family situation, he knew I could not move with him. So he spent some time there and got the business into better shape, but he refused to move there full time, even though that meant turning down full ownership. And full ownership would have made him quite wealthy, I'm sure.

 

He did that for me. Being with me was more important to him than the money.

 

Of course, he still holds part ownership, but the point is there are some men who will give up money for the women they love.

[herenow]

 

I have heard it soooo much though, where the men cannot face leaving due to losing what they have worked hard for.

 

The reason you hear it soooo much is because it is an effective excuse that many OW believe. Allowing the MM to stay married and have his affair without being pressured to make a choice.

 

It's a sweet deal for the MM. Why wouldn't he use the money, kids, etc excuses to get what he wants? It works so well.

[siuys]

My father spent years in an unhappy M because of finances. In the end he did leave, it just took him much longer. He left for himself as he was unhappy but his OW, my stepmother, was there through it all. When I told her I met an MM, she strongly advised against it, saying there will be more pain than pleasure, that I could be waiting a long time. I did it anyway, and have been 'with' MM for 8 months. Whether or not MM will really divorce I don't know, but he and W are on good terms and civilised, and she has signed a pre-nup so at least that side of things is clearer than most I assume...

 

MM also told me that a lot of the times men don't leave as they are really afraid of losing the kids, or hardly seeing them.

[HappyAtLast]

The reason you hear it soooo much is because it is an effective excuse that many OW believe. Allowing the MM to stay married and have his affair without being pressured to make a choice.

 

It's a sweet deal for the MM. Why wouldn't he use the money, kids, etc excuses to get what he wants? It works so well.

 

I am envisioning myself trying to use this reason with my affair partner. I don't think she would have bought it.

[herenow]

I am envisioning myself trying to use this reason with my affair partner. I don't think she would have bought it.

 

Not sure what you mean. Are you saying that this reason doesn't work for many MM? If that was true, why the need for this thread in the first place.

 

If OW didn't believe what the MM says, I would imagine many would stop being the OW. But they do buy the line, and they continue believing that the MM stays married because he isn't willing to give up the money, kids (or whatever excuse he may use to stay married). And, the MM continues to do whatever he wants. Until d-day of course when he is no longer in control of the outcome.

[HappyAtLast]

Not sure what you mean. Are you saying that this reason doesn't work for many MM? If that was true, why the need for this thread in the first place.

 

 

On the contrary. You are correct in that this reason does work for many men. My observation is that it would not work on a smart other woman such as my wife was. I would not even have disrespected her enough to even suggest it.

[herenow]

On the contrary. You are correct in that this reason does work for many men. My observation is that it would not work on a smart other woman such as my wife was. I would not even have disrespected her enough to even suggest it.

 

OK, I would agree, but as a BW I would probably get an infraction for saying that OW who believe the excuses are not smart.

 

However, I do hope they realize how disrespectful it really is to both the OW and the BW (and the kids if the are used as an excuse) when MM use excuses to continue being deceitful. JMO

[blizzard]

My xMM was always nervous about the financial situation. He "claimed" that they had both decided divorce. So he was moving in ways to protect himself financially. He would say that if she ever found out about the affair she would take everything. The value of their home had decreased. He wasn't getting that much leaving the home. Not enough to put toward another. He would be living in an apartment. Their savings and their home were questionable because most of the money was hers before they married. He was already paying his ex child support. Ailmony was pretty well something he would have to pay BS. He said that she could have everything (material assests). That he just wanted to cash out basically. He had already been at ground zero financially with his first wife and never wanted to tread those waters again...so he said. He said he had found an apartment and close to signing a lease...but he had to tell her that he was moving out. And that was hard.

So, it was dday a week after finding the apartment that he tucked tail and ran back into her arms.

But in the end I believe in what some of the others had to say... it's excuses. If he wanted to leave he really would. If you are that unhappy, and have no children "together" I think a great lawyer could settle most.

 

Oh btw- I would ask if he had retained a lawyer. He would always say no...they were going about it in a cheaper way. Filing themselves.

Edited October 9, 2010 by blizzard

[Silly_Girl]

I chose to stay in an unhealthy relationship for several years. There was no one single reason. Financial reasons was one of the larger of the many factors.

 

I don't think there's any point in pretending there aren't reasons to stay in an unhappy relationship. There are lots. It's a matter of personal choice as to whether you choose to remove/ignore them as an obstacle.

[lilbunny]

I can only speak for the UK, but this is the actual deal-

 

1. The house is sold and the proceeds split 50/50 as are any other existing assets. Anyone paying the mortgage on a house they no longer call home is doing so by choice.

 

2. If there are children then the CSA set and deduct how much is paid depending on number of children, how many nights they spend with each parent and the income of the parent they don't live with. It is not unreasonable, it is not financially crippling, anyone who says it is, is a liar. I have friends who are single parents and have an ex-partner who had a child from a previous R. I know what they deduct.

 

3. There is no legal or moral obligation to pay anything additional at all to an xW if there are no children. Any money paid from income post-divorce is for children, not the wife.

 

4. The vast majority of people do not have vast wealth worthy of protracted financial battles through courts with pricey lawyers. Most people can sort it out quickly and efficiently via family court in a relatively short, single hearing.

 

5. The cause of the D, who files etc has no impact on the splitting of finances.

 

With this in mind...I smell bs!

[20Seconds]

Welcome to my life.....

 

I see no reason why the financial position should not be a big deciding factor in whether or not to divorce. My MM has been married for 20 years and owns his business with his wife. 3 kids, private schools fees, ponies, BW is a SAHM, etc.

 

He could not afford to maintain that lifestyle for his children if he left.

 

If his W decided to "take him for all she could get", she would get...most of it. 50/50 is only a starting point in the UK. A high earning MM with a SAHW would be likely to walk away 30/70 unless there was a very large pot and children & BW could be housed satisfactorily (and not in circumstances far reduced than what they had been used to) on 50/50.

 

I suspect, the more you have, and the more financial commitments you have, the harder it is.

 

If you don;t have a bean, you can;t argue about how to split it. You just do what you can.

[lilbunny]

Welcome to my life.....

 

I see no reason why the financial position should not be a big deciding factor in whether or not to divorce. My MM has been married for 20 years and owns his business with his wife. 3 kids, private schools fees, ponies, BW is a SAHM, etc.

 

He could not afford to maintain that lifestyle for his children if he left.

 

If his W decided to "take him for all she could get", she would get...most of it. 50/50 is only a starting point in the UK. A high earning MM with a SAHW would be likely to walk away 30/70 unless there was a very large pot and children & BW could be housed satisfactorily (and not in circumstances far reduced than what they had been used to) on 50/50.

 

I suspect, the more you have, and the more financial commitments you have, the harder it is.

 

If you don;t have a bean, you can;t argue about how to split it. You just do what you can.

 

That isn't the case. There is no legal obligation to house an ex wife and children in a house of the same value or size at all. That might be a moral obligation, but not in law. Anyone who walks away with 30/70 allowed it to happen, sorry but 50/50 is the law, anything extra is negotiated.

[jj33]

They dont lose everything they lose half and LOTS of successful people divorce in the UK. Remember when Heather Mills poured water on Paul McCartneys lawyers head? its done all the time by people with alot more and a lot less to lose than he had. Why?

 

Because they are unhappy and they have balls. They dont jerk everyone in their lives around just to suit themselves. They get out and they start a new life with or without a soft landing.

 

Are you still hung up on that guy? Are you still with your fiance?

[Silly_Girl]

That isn't the case. There is no legal obligation to house an ex wife and children in a house of the same value or size at all. That might be a moral obligation, but not in law. Anyone who walks away with 30/70 allowed it to happen, sorry but 50/50 is the law, anything extra is negotiated.

 

In the UK unmarried couples have the 50/50 split, but married couples have to take in to account the current circumstances, who put in what, who earned what.

 

I know because I found out to my detriment that I'd have been MUCH better off had I married my POS ex. I could have taken away what I put in, instead I'm fighting for every goddamn penny.

[bentnotbroken]

They dont lose everything they lose half and LOTS of successful people divorce in the UK. Remember when Heather Mills poured water on Paul McCartneys lawyers head? its done all the time by people with alot more and a lot less to lose than he had. Why?

Because they are unhappy and they have balls. They dont jerk everyone in their lives around just to suit themselves. They get out and they start a new life with or without a soft landing.

 

Are you still hung up on that guy? Are you still with your fiance?

 

 

Exactly! Cowards without balls stay in order to control the lives of all involved. Punk move...every time.

[jj33]

Exactly! Cowards without balls stay in order to control the lives of all involved. Punk move...every time.

 

Punk move. Well put Bent.

 

And control is so true. xMM is trying his control bs again. Driving me crazy. What a punk! (much better than azzclown)