How many of you found out their married person was lying to them?

[greengoddess]

This seems to be such a common theme recently. It seems so many ow/om have just discovered that they were being lied to also.

 

Maybe you could help ow/om and put your story of discovery here. Especially if you believed he/she would never lie to you but only to the spouse.

[lilbunny]

I can't say he did lie to me.

 

He always said he didn't know how things would turn out, he didn't know if he would be able to leave, he never claimed he didn't love or care about his wife or that he had a terrible marriage.

 

I leaned a lot of things about him when we went through a tough time, I saw another side of his character. I don't think that is any different in any R. Unless you encounter tough times you can't know how someone will respond. I don't think that equates to lying, I'm sure he can say the same.

 

I am always sorry to hear about false promises and lies that have been told, I felt enough hurt and disappointment without being told a load of bs, I can only imagine how much worse it would have been.

[greengoddess]

lilbunny how did you reconcile the affair in your mind if he was honest enough to not downplay his marriage? What made it ok for you knowing he wasn't leaving and his marriage was happy? Is it possible you lied to yourself about the state of his marriage and affair?

 

disclaimer - * tone * very nice.

[Samantha0905]

Not trying to be smarmy -- but of course married people having an affair are capable of lying -- and it's silly to think it will never be to you. In my affair, I made up lies eventually to my AP because my AP would get angry/jealous over anything I did with my husband and or family. He would get indignant about me having an affair or "lying" when he knew I was married when the relationship began and -- in fact -- he pursued me rather persistently when I was married. He used his religious beliefs as his reason for being indignant. It was all rather hypocritical on both of our parts. Somehow it was all going to become suddenly very Christian if I actually left my spouse/family and ended up with him?

 

It's funny how we all see things from our own skewed perspective when we're involved in an affair.

 

In the meantime, he lied his head off to me. It turned out he felt "justified" dating and sleeping with others even though he was telling me he was not. His reasoning? I was married.

 

I suppose we all get what is coming to us in an affair situation in one way or the other. People involved in an affair are being very selfish.

 

The person who ends up getting hurt the most, however, is the BS. Even if the marriage isn't what it should be, there are better ways to handle things than participating in an affair. An affair is an escape from reality.

 

What's funny to me is how some people hold their affairs out as more special or meaningful than others. I realize some people actually end up married to their affair partners, but think of the devastation caused. Is it every okay to cheat on one's spouse?

[lilbunny]

lilbunny how did you reconcile the affair in your mind if he was honest enough to not downplay his marriage? What made it ok for you knowing he wasn't leaving and his marriage was happy? Is it possible you lied to yourself about the state of his marriage and affair?

 

disclaimer - * tone * very nice.

 

I didn't know he wasn't leaving, I didn't know either way and neither did he. He did leave, I sent him straight home.

 

I never lied to myself about the state of his marriage, I never thought it was anything but the way it is. He didn't have an A because his life was miserable or his wife was some sort of harridan, he didn't pretend it was in order to blindside me in any way.

 

We were friends for a long time and just got caught up in something we didn't expect. I would have found it hard to love and respect him if he hadn't been honest, the very reason I think it must be so much harder to cope where these huge lies have been told.

[Silly_Girl]

He's broken promises ('I'll definitely tell her this weekend' for example) which is pretty bloody bad. Heartbreaking.

 

Not found him out on a lie as such yet. He's been consistent for a year now on things between he and his wife, no sex, no passion; and her affair and when she left and when she returned. And things between his wife and his family. Lots of stuff has been consistent when I've heard it in a context pertaining to one thing, and then another.

 

There must be some things, I'd have thought - rationally speaking. I've just not come across them, or maybe he is as honest TO ME as he genuinely insists he is to me.

[TigerCub]

To be honest, I never 100% trusted MM. In the back of my mind, I thought "he's a cheater and he lies to his wife - so its possible he'd lie to me"

I never really "caught" him in a lie. I questioned a bunch of things at different times.

 

The only "Really BIG" piece of info he kept from me was that baby momma was pregnant when him and I met (they were separated during the pregnancy) - so like 6 months after she give birth to their 2nd child, he told me about the whole thing.

 

I think that was the most major confession that came from him.

And he was the one that confessed to me about it, I wouldnt have known about it otherwise.

 

He never trash talked about baby momma, other than lack of passion/sex in the R, he hardly ever talked about her - oh and other than "I've never felt love like I do with you" - and he never told me that he was going to leave in the near furture (he used the "kids" excuse) - that's why I kept trying NC (I guess I couldn't carry on an A with someone that wont be leaving)

[Hazyhead]

The lies he told me were more like empty promises. He didn't once display the ability to have the courage of his convictions. These are the only direct lies I know so far, but I feel his exaggerated a lot about his marriage - how he felt, or rather didn't feel, about his wife, their sex life, etc.

 

I think he lied to himself as much as anyone, dug his hole deeper and deeper where he still remains stuck.

 

There's a chance I might be able to find out a lot more lies, mind!

[BB07]

Just for simplicity's sake, I'll write this as if some of you don't know the story.

 

A short summary if you'd like.....

He lied so much he still makes my head spin and it's been 3 months since I found out the truth.

He lied 2 times about being separated, when he was not.

There are hundreds of little and big lies in between, some small and some so heinous and ugly and disgusting that it's still hard to accept that the man I thought I knew, who I thought was kind and honorable and good, was really a monster in disguise.

The last few months of it, the lies got even more vile and evil as he was trying to keep me and the BS from talking. He painted her out to be everything she was not. He had me afraid of her for myself and him too. He told her all kind of lies about me, so that she wouldn't contact me. It was all designed to keep us from discovering the truth.

I know for every lie that her and I uncovered there are plenty more that I'll never know about and it makes me .

 

Sometimes I read some of the posts here and I think oh no, that woman is just as trusting as I used to be, and then oh no, that woman just told everyone one of the same lies I heard. Only difference is.........I now know it was a lie, she doesn't. It's sad...... No I'm not saying all situations are the same, but sadly most of them are.

[carhill]

The worst lie, for me, would not be revealed for nearly a quarter century, the truth being that the affairs (I was the EA; she had PA's with others) happened during a period when the ogre (a lie) of a man who was her husband lost both his parents in the same year and she abandoned him and felt justified, retrospectively, in doing so, just like my wife abandoned me. Any 'connection' which remained within myself died at that moment, and it was at that moment I knew I had to divorce my wife and be rid of these toxic people in my life. Life is SO much better now.

 

My unfortunate global mistake back then, more than a generation ago, was to believe women, something which was socialized into me. Now I just listen and watch. Time reveals all truths.

[TigerCub]

Oh can't believe I forgot to mention this HUGE LIE:

 

I really am starting to believe that it was ALL A LIE.

His "feelings" for me

His "love" towards me

this line "Being with you is what I always thought love would be like, and being with her is such a contrast":rolleyes:

 

or "The way you make me feel is like nothing I've felt before":rolleyes:

 

I'm at the point where I think it was all a lie.

 

If he truly did love me, he wouldn't have been so disrespectful to me, and if he truly did love me, he wouldn't have just walked away when I confronted him about it - its been like 3 weeks/month since that fight, and he never even tried to appologize for being an jackass (you don't act that way with someone you 'love' )

 

I'm not even saying start things up, but to just be decent to the one you "love" that's always been good to you - the one that supposedly made him feel "like he's never felt before"

 

yeah that's why I think the whole thing was a lie - and the thing that kills me is that even if it was a lie from his side - he knew my love for him was real, he knew that I was genuine, and it boggles my mind that he can just toy with people's hearts

 

I mean, yeah, some would argue that he's doing that to baby momma - but I don't know what things are like for her at home - I'm guessing he's at least treating her better than the way he treated me during our last "incident"

Edited October 5, 2010 by TigerCub

[2sure]

Any time someone says one thing but does another it is a lie.

Sometimes people are ok with being lied to. Both BS and OW.

 

It might be because they are liars of some sort themselves so, they are comfortable with lies they feel are "justified".

It might be because they have some self esteem/ insecurity issues so they feel that they must somehow be wrong.

 

If someone is not telling their spouse they want to leave the marriage and is telling you that they will...

Or is telling OW they are unhappy with the marriage but taking his wife on a vacation...

Or telling wife everything is great but seeing OW...

 

How do you decide who he is telling the truth to?

 

Further, if you already know he is a liar...how many times do you need to be lied to before you stop believing them??

For me, as an OW - I just didnt want to hear any of it. But as a BS, it took me quite a few times.

[Silly_Girl]

The worst lie, for me, would not be revealed for nearly a quarter century, the truth being that the affairs (I was the EA; she had PA's with others) happened during a period when the ogre (a lie) of a man who was her husband lost both his parents in the same year and she abandoned him and felt justified, retrospectively, in doing so, just like my wife abandoned me. Any 'connection' which remained within myself died at that moment, and it was at that moment I knew I had to divorce my wife and be rid of these toxic people in my life. Life is SO much better now.

 

My unfortunate global mistake back then, more than a generation ago, was to believe women, something which was socialized into me. Now I just listen and watch. Time reveals all truths.

 

Wow. That sounds harrowing. I'm so happy you're well out of that.

[Confused4Now]

For me I was in the A at the time 2 years...xMW H moved out maybe 2 months and I had bowling leagues on a certain night. Since I was told it was a separation/divorce I noticed when driving past on my way home his truck was there more often than not. So I drove back after midnight and noticed the truck still there. I asked about it and was told her son was borrowing the truck for the weekend. Well....the following week I decided to get my answer. So I texted her and she was busy doing her bible study but never texted me back till 2 hours later.

 

So she texts me the typical good night stuff and I asked why his truck was still there? She said her son was still using the truck. So I finally said fine then let me knock on the door it was 10pm at night. You open it and you say I'm at the wrong house and then be on my way. She starts panicking with he texts and then she comes clean and says he's there. I say fine I'm still coming and I'm going to get my answers. Well it was our first D-day.

H chickened out as he was holding the door from the other side. All I wanted was the honest truth. That was the biggest lie....We talked about her abuse growing up and abuse in her marriage. It was clear she was very good at lying. To this day she still lies but I'm totally removed.

[YellowShark]

An affair is a lie. Married APs are lying to their BSs and in some cases their own children. Ergo I would not trust my AP from the get go. Might as well call a spade a spade.

[In_Repair]

I had a special kind of insight into MW's thoughts that helped me to pluck apart any lie she tried to tell. My wife and I had just split up when I started seeing her, and I had discovered tons and tons of lies my wife had been telling to everyone. Me, her OM, her family, my family, her coworkers... the list goes on and on. I had also read very similar things here on LS too, from many posters, both AP and BS. I was ready for them.

 

My MW would try to make things sound one way, I would call her on it, and then she would back-peddle. It didn't take long for her to stop trying. Still though, even without saying a word, she was lying to me - her husband - and herself...

 

I laughed so hard when I found out that my wife had told her OM that we hadn't had sex the last six months we were together... I felt this overwhelming need to tell him about us having sex the day before she left and that she had given me a BJ the day before that... in fact, we were having sex more than ever, thanks to their little EA, I guess. I thanked him, lol. He called me back, with her on the other line, in an effort to prove I was lying to him. He went through the roof when she had to admit the truth about it. She also beats on him when she's mad, after telling him for months that I was abusive. She told him that I was lazy and disconnected, so he was really surprised when he found himself having to clean the whole house and cook everything because all she wants to do is sleep and watch TV. The man was actually calling me up for a while asking about ways to deal with her crap. Can you imagine how bad things must be for him to break down and do that? I had to add some insult to injury, so I threw in a "well, you wanted my life so bad... now you have it. Enjoy".

[donnamaybe]

"well, you wanted my life so bad... now you have it. Enjoy".

BEAUTIFUL!!!!

[Fieldsofgold]

Well, let's see. . . The first lie I discovered was that he was in fact a MM! That's always quite a surprise! And immediately following, I learned that he also had an OW whom he lived with part-time for 10 years. And let's see, standing in his and OW's house (while she was at work), confronting him along with my neighborhood teens who busted him and had all manner of evidence on him - he looked me in the eye and tried to tell me that this OW of ten year's duration, whonhas moved across country with him 5 times (military guy), and for whom he provided a home - was just a platonic acquaintance!!!! No sexual contact. Ever. When my kids started pulling out evidence, he conceded that he did sleep with her ONCE, nine years ago. Puleeeeese! There were so very many lies, both before and after d-day.

 

I had not spoken to him for months, yet he continued to e-mail me lies, trying to convince me he loved me, I was "the woman he always hoped he would meet, but never thought he would," and I should give him another chance. Told me he had filed for divorce, left the OW, and was living on his boat. Told me the OW had moved to NY. I drove past her house, they were both there. Just for fun one time, I e-mailed him and said I was devastated at what I had learned, but gave no specifics. (keep in mind I had not learned anything, because I was soooo done with him. I was just faking to see what he'd say). He wrote back, "honestly darling, it's not how it seems. Things are not what they appear!" bwahahahaha! Busted, and I didn't have to do or know anything! Just pretend I do, and he'll confess - cos he's ALWAYS lying, always guilty!!!

 

It was interesting in retrospect. Even though ididnt know he was MM, there were a lot of behaviors OW describe here. So I can relate to a lot of what OW say, even though I didn't know I was, in fact, OOW!

 

Last week he sent me an urgent e-mail - had just learned of another forest fire near me and wanted to warn that it was moving toward my property. I did not so much as acknowledge his message. There was a small fire some distance away - no threat to me. There have been several large forest fires very nearby, but not that one. Just another lie to justify contact, I think.

 

It bothered me for quite a while after I got over the hurt. Trying to figure out "why" kept me hooked, in a way. I read posts here that said "why" doesn't matter. He is what he is.

 

I saw him driving past a couple of weeks ago, and wondered what I ever saw in him. I'm glad I'm there.

[In_Repair]

BEAUTIFUL!!!!

 

It felt good

[Circular]

I can't ever recall catching her in a lie or feeling like she was lying to me about something, of course, we had been friends for a long time prior so I was pretty aware of the situation of her life and responsibilities. I think more towards the end, right before I walked away, she might have started fibbing a bit, more out of self preservation. I think we both knew, regardless of how we felt about each other, that continuing required us to take to high of risk and I worried about her kids being part of the mess if a d-day occurred.

 

Myself, I never lied to her about anything, never felt a need to or desire to. Never falsely represented my home situation, nor really said anything bad about my W. I did lie to my W.

[NoIDidn't]

Any time someone says one thing but does another it is a lie.

Sometimes people are ok with being lied to. Both BS and OW.

 

It might be because they are liars of some sort themselves so, they are comfortable with lies they feel are "justified".

It might be because they have some self esteem/ insecurity issues so they feel that they must somehow be wrong.

 

If someone is not telling their spouse they want to leave the marriage and is telling you that they will...

Or is telling OW they are unhappy with the marriage but taking his wife on a vacation...

Or telling wife everything is great but seeing OW...

 

How do you decide who he is telling the truth to?

 

Further, if you already know he is a liar...how many times do you need to be lied to before you stop believing them??

For me, as an OW - I just didnt want to hear any of it. But as a BS, it took me quite a few times.

 

This!

 

While never an OW to a married guy, it works basically the same - especially when the guy lives with the woman he's cheating on. I found it utterly annoying that the guy felt the need to say negative things about their R, their sex, their money, or anything about her period.

 

But as the W of a man having an EA, I bought the "work is stressful" every time. He's stressed, I'll give him space if that what he's asking for.

 

I guess what I'm saying in a nutshell, is that, as OW, I didn't have a lot of trust in the words of my guys in committed Rs. But as a W, my H had/has my trust in a way that a CG that's cheating with me would never have.

[blizzard]

Tigercub "yeah that's why I think the whole thing was a lie - and the thing that kills me is that even if it was a lie from his side - he knew my love for him was real, he knew that I was genuine, and it boggles my mind that he can just toy with people's hearts "

Me too Tigercub. I understand.

 

I am sure he lied about so much. Even little things. But he covered his tracks well. He once told me that he valued "sincerity and honesty" in a person. I am still trying to wrap my head around that one.

 

I began doubting when he once admitted to lying to me about taking a trip with his wife whom he was divorcing. Who takes trips with a stbx? Then he slipped once and said that he almost had her believing that she wanted a divorce.

 

The most hurtful lie is when he looked me in the eyes while we were intimate told me he loved me. This was the last time we saw each other. That is the one I can't get past. That kind of lie goes deep into the soul and scars. It wasn't necessary. He told me we belonged together...then a week later walked away to make peace with his wife.

 

Monster.

[TigerCub]

Tigercub "yeah that's why I think the whole thing was a lie - and the thing that kills me is that even if it was a lie from his side - he knew my love for him was real, he knew that I was genuine, and it boggles my mind that he can just toy with people's hearts "

Me too Tigercub. I understand.

 

I am sure he lied about so much. Even little things. But he covered his tracks well. He once told me that he valued "sincerity and honesty" in a person. I am still trying to wrap my head around that one.

 

I began doubting when he once admitted to lying to me about taking a trip with his wife whom he was divorcing. Who takes trips with a stbx? Then he slipped once and said that he almost had her believing that she wanted a divorce.

I think that as careful as they are, and as good as they (usually) are about lying - something always slips up.

 

As for me, I tried to trust in him - he did tell me personal things that hardly anyone knew about - but in the back of my mind, I always knew that he is a cheater and a liar (when he needs to be) - so although he never had reason to lie to me, and I don't think he did it a lot - I still didn't take his word as gospel - I always questioned things sometimes to myself and when it mattered - to him.

 

 

The most hurtful lie is when he looked me in the eyes while we were intimate told me he loved me. This was the last time we saw each other. That is the one I can't get past. That kind of lie goes deep into the soul and scars. It wasn't necessary. He told me we belonged together...then a week later walked away to make peace with his wife.

 

Monster.

 

WOW!!! that is so hurtful

I'm so sorry. I know that pain of questioning if they ever cared at all, or if it was all a lie. And the unnecesary lies (confessions of love) are what kill me?!! just like you didn't ask for the soulful look + "I love you" declaration. I didn't ask jackass to tell me he loved me first, I didn't ask him to tell me any of the crap he did throughout our time together.

 

They just say things and they toy with people's hearts and I really wonder, do they not have the sense at all to see what kind of hurt they cause?

 

I dunno...it really just blows my mind.

 

**HUGS TO YOU BLIZZARD**

[KarmasTestDummy]

Well not that I have a means of proving anything he told me' was a lie but you can read the summation of every little detail he pretty much told me in the '24 hours nc...not like him...fearing d-day' thread that is still active right now. Woooooooo apparently I should have seen everything he said as either a huge overdramatization and fabrication. The only lie I did actually bust him in was that I was the first woman other than his wife he had slept with since they got married. I was supposedly his only A ever and he didn't ever even consider the thought until he found out she was cheating on him, but the truth came out that he had in fact slept with his married secretary 2 years ago. I a tually called him out on that one. He is close friends with her...they text and talk all of the time and he said he can tell her anything, and he would say w was always accusing him of sleeping with her out of jealousy of their friendship and her own guilt. I pointed out to him that in all my experiences with men they only befriend women in that kind of manner if they either are or want to sleep with them. Then he said, well once, 2 years ago...before I ever met you. I guess that since it was before he met me' that makes all the other lies he said about never cheating on his wife okay, right??? That changes things...that makes him a serial cheater. His reasoning was things were already bad with W and he knew in his heart she was cheating on him. And that he didnt tell me bc he didnt want me to question their friendship and think they were still fooling around. Wow, wonder why I let that go???

 

I was also reading through my text history with him last night. Just the night before his d-day this weekend he was confessing that even though we were NSA he loved me' so much, couldn't imagine a person being more perfect for him, that he had no reason to see other women as long as he had me' because I fulfilled him completely, and that it was so hard for him to worry about me' leaving him for someone who could offer more. The next day not a word, the day after I found out he denied me' to w when she discovered our communicating, and the following day he decided he owed her a fair chance at their M. Now that's a flip flop of the heart if ever a word that came out of his mouth was true.

[Star_Bright]

Well not that I have a means of proving anything he told me' was a lie but you can read the summation of every little detail he pretty much told me in the '24 hours nc...not like him...fearing d-day' thread that is still active right now. Woooooooo apparently I should have seen everything he said as either a huge overdramatization and fabrication. The only lie I did actually bust him in was that I was the first woman other than his wife he had slept with since they got married. I was supposedly his only A ever and he didn't ever even consider the thought until he found out she was cheating on him, but the truth came out that he had in fact slept with his married secretary 2 years ago. I a tually called him out on that one. He is close friends with her...they text and talk all of the time and he said he can tell her anything, and he would say w was always accusing him of sleeping with her out of jealousy of their friendship and her own guilt. I pointed out to him that in all my experiences with men they only befriend women in that kind of manner if they either are or want to sleep with them. Then he said, well once, 2 years ago...before I ever met you. I guess that since it was before he met me' that makes all the other lies he said about never cheating on his wife okay, right??? That changes things...that makes him a serial cheater. His reasoning was things were already bad with W and he knew in his heart she was cheating on him. And that he didnt tell me bc he didnt want me to question their friendship and think they were still fooling around. Wow, wonder why I let that go???

 

I was also reading through my text history with him last night. Just the night before his d-day this weekend he was confessing that even though we were NSA he loved me' so much, couldn't imagine a person being more perfect for him, that he had no reason to see other women as long as he had me' because I fulfilled him completely, and that it was so hard for him to worry about me' leaving him for someone who could offer more. The next day not a word, the day after I found out he denied me' to w when she discovered our communicating, and the following day he decided he owed her a fair chance at their M. Now that's a flip flop of the heart if ever a word that came out of his mouth was true.

 

Wow I'm so sorry Karma and I think it's great that you got out of this mess when you did. I strongly suspect that he's still sleeping with his married secretary or at least still involved in an EA.... as you said, who texts and talks to someone so closely that much unless it's an affair?!

 

Good for you for seeing the light. Keep running in the other direction!