Serial Cheater?

[WowReally]

Are any of you OW/OM involved with a serial cheater that is still married even after multiple affairs?

[bohogirl]

I think that the question should be rephrased and posted on the Infidelity Forum to yield the most informative responses.

 

But then again, those that bite would only question your motives rather than answer you question!

[In_Repair]

Are any of you OW/OM involved with a serial cheater that is still married even after multiple affairs?

 

Serial cheater isn't really the right word, but I guess she fits the description. My MW was bi-sexual and had two long term affairs with other women, plus a couple of same sex ONS during their 20 year marriage. Though they have recently separated.

[greengoddess]

I think that the question should be rephrased and posted on the Infidelity Forum to yield the most informative responses.

 

But then again, those that bite would only question your motives rather than answer you question!

 

 

:laugh:Why does everything have to be a dig or a complaint to the betrayed spouses or the infidelity board? You are really making yourself seem very petty and bitter. Notice I did not name call or say you are petty and bitter I said you are making yourself appear that way.

[TigerCub]

The MM that I was in this mess with would be labeled a serial cheater.

He had a bunch of ONS or strictly sexual relations with other women while still with his long time gf.

 

I think though that what happened with us was not what he expected. It was an EA before it became PA. And that was something he's never done before (actually falling for someone and not having sex with them)

 

And yes...if you're going to ask "how would you trust a future with this guy, if he ever left baby momma?" - the answer is I wouldn't.

I love him, I do, but honestly speaking, if he did ever leave and we were together, I wouldn't trust him. But that was something I never really thought about much during because it seemed like it was so far into the future and so uncertain anyways.

[bohogirl]

Do you mean those serial cheaters that have never been faithful to any SO.

 

Or is it limited to those individuals that only cheat (but constantly) on the person that they married?

[WowReally]

Do you mean those serial cheaters that have never been faithful to any SO.

 

Or is it limited to those individuals that only cheat (but constantly) on the person that they married?

 

I was asking more about the people who stayed married to the spouse that has cheated on them multiple times.

[bentnotbroken]

I think that the question should be rephrased and posted on the Infidelity Forum to yield the most informative responses.

 

But then again, those that bite would only question your motives rather than answer you question!

 

 

What's wrong with the way it is phrased and where it is posted? :confused:It seems pretty clear to me. How can you tell the answers won't be informative before they are posted? The OP motives aren't in question at all. Again seems pretty straight forward. Anybody else confused?

[bohogirl]

which is why I requested clarification.

 

I thought an OW could only be the " victim" of a serial cheater if there was an OOW. If there wasn't her position is far sweeter (as long as her needs are being met) than the wife IMO.

 

As we are talking about MM that serially cheat on their wives I still hold that view.

 

It is better to live in the light (OW) than in the dark (BS) being gaslighted to hell. That is even worse than knowing and turning a blind eye.

[donnamaybe]

I think that the question should be rephrased and posted on the Infidelity Forum to yield the most informative responses.

 

But then again, those that bite would only question your motives rather than answer you question!

People are only questioned on their motives when the agenda is already crystal clear.

[donnamaybe]

It is better to live in the light (OW) than in the dark (BS) being gaslighted to hell.

Ahhh, yes. The old "I know he lies to his W but he would NEVER lie to ME."

 

And a cheater is perfectly capable of being a serial cheater with the same OM/OW over and over and over again.

[Spark1111]

I was asking more about the people who stayed married to the spouse that has cheated on them multiple times.

 

Really, WOW Really, how COULD anyone know?

 

Unless the SO admitted to a whole string of multiple infidelities. And I am always amazed how it is categorized as ONSs ONLY to the AP.

 

I mean, how would you know? It seems to me that if someone has the ability to be a serial cheater, they must also be a MASTER of lying, deceit and compartmentalization.

 

So, let's say the have the BS at home and OW/OM on the side. It does create the perfect scenario to continue to lie, doesn't it?

 

"I have to be with my family tonight," said to the OW/om, could surely be as must a lie as anything else? It would be the perfect cover to have a dalliance outside the affair relationship, yes?

 

The OW/OM will never check up on the MP's whereabouts. It is the unspoken affair rule: DO NOT CALL ME WHEN I AM WITH MY FAMILY.

 

As for the BS, what ever subterfuge being used to hide the AP, could also be used to hide multiple infidelities.

 

So unless someone is confessing all, how would you know? Whether you are the AP or the BS. Because the propensity could certainly be there, I think.

[Spark1111]

which is why I requested clarification.

 

I thought an OW could only be the " victim" of a serial cheater if there was an OOW. If there wasn't her position is far sweeter (as long as her needs are being met) than the wife IMO.

 

As we are talking about MM that serially cheat on their wives I still hold that view.

 

It is better to live in the light (OW) than in the dark (BS) being gaslighted to hell. That is even worse than knowing and turning a blind eye.

 

But truly bohogirl, HOW WOULD YOU KOW FOR SURE that there AREN'T OOW?

 

Because the man, lying to his wife, ISN'T CAPABLE of lying to you?

 

Why? Because he said so???????????

[WowReally]

Really, WOW Really, how COULD anyone know?

 

Unless the SO admitted to a whole string of multiple infidelities. And I am always amazed how it is categorized as ONSs ONLY to the AP.

 

I mean, how would you know? It seems to me that if someone has the ability to be a serial cheater, they must also be a MASTER of lying, deceit and compartmentalization.

 

So, let's say the have the BS at home and OW/OM on the side. It does create the perfect scenario to continue to lie, doesn't it?

 

"I have to be with my family tonight," said to the OW/om, could surely be as must a lie as anything else? It would be the perfect cover to have a dalliance outside the affair relationship, yes?

 

The OW/OM will never check up on the MP's whereabouts. It is the unspoken affair rule: DO NOT CALL ME WHEN I AM WITH MY FAMILY.

 

As for the BS, what ever subterfuge being used to hide the AP, could also be used to hide multiple infidelities.

 

So unless someone is confessing all, how would you know? Whether you are the AP or the BS. Because the propensity could certainly be there, I think.

 

My xMM falls into the serial cheater category...cheated on her a few times (one night stands and an affair a few years back). She found out about the affairs - not sure she knew about the one night stands.

[20Seconds]

The MM that I am involved with had another A prior to mine. I do not know if it was the only one, although he says it was.

 

I knew about the previous A because the OW was someone I knew. It finished because they had a D-day and he did not leave and she ended it.

 

I don;t know if that constitutes a serial cheater, but it certainly is someone who had an A, was discovered, and stayed married.

[WowReally]

I knew about the previous A because the OW was someone I knew. It finished because they had a D-day and he did not leave and she ended it.

 

I don;t know if that constitutes a serial cheater, but it certainly is someone who had an A, was discovered, and stayed married

 

Huh interesting...and you cheated with this guy anyway? Was it weird being with a guy an acquaintance had been with?

[20Seconds]

Huh interesting...and you cheated with this guy anyway? Was it weird being with a guy an acquaintance had been with?

 

It wasn't especially weird, just a bit like when you are younger and sometimes you date people in a circle of friends & acquaintances who have dated others in the same circle beforehand. I asked him a few basic questions about what had happened and why it had ended, and he was quite open with me about it.

 

And yes, I did go into it with that knowledge. At the time I was also married and I don;t think I had any idea about what I was doing, what I wanted to come out of it, or had any thought about what might happen a few weeks or months down the line. It sounds awful to say it now but his marriage, previous affair, whether or not he was intending to leave or to stay, etc was not really my focus. He just made it clear he was open to having an A and I chose to respond.

 

We are still involved over a year later. Initially he seemed clear about his intentions that he only wanted an A and could make no commitment to me but a lot has happened in that year and we are in a different place now.

[jj33]

xMM and his W have their own private lives. I was not the first, not the second. Possibly the third but at that point, whos counting? Works for them

[WowReally]

Does it really work for them? Have all of the affairs come to light?

[2sure]

When I was OW I knew the MM had had OW before me. That helped me keep things in perspective when they started all the I love you and fantasizing talk.

 

If, as an OW, you have ever said to yourself:

 

"If he wasnt cheating with me he would still be cheating"

 

He is probably a serial cheater whether he has cheated once or ten times. He is looking to cheat, the OW can be a variable. He should mean the same to you.

[20Seconds]

If, as an OW, you have ever said to yourself:

 

"If he wasnt cheating with me he would still be cheating"

 

 

I think that's absolutely right, 2sure. I knew MM had had at least one A before and I knew when we got together that if not me, he would have carried on looking for someone else, and I wonder if I walked away now, would he start over again. I'm not sure, he seemed to have learned a lot from the previous A and maybe if we split now it would be a wake up call to sort his life out.

 

It keeps you grounded. We went through the "you're special, you're different", etc etc and I used to think, what you mean is, I'm new, and it's all very exciting - and it is flattering to be told those things - but none of it really matters unless he actually ever ends his marriage and puts himself in a position to be able to commit to someone else. The usual, actions not words!

 

Nevertheless, trying to be grounded and realistic doesn't stop you developing feelings for someone anyway.

[blizzard]

While plutonically involved with xMM he did tell me that he had an affair while married to his first wife. That was 12years prior to our affair. He claimed that his first wife was cheating on him as well. His wife was caught so he decided to spill the beans about himself...she did it first so I did it sort of thing. Well, it didn't turn out so pretty. She kicked him out. They divorced. He said it was a horrible experience. That he was left with nothing basically. He proceeded to tell me that he never wanted to tread those waters again with his second wife.

 

If that isn't crazy. Now that he and I aren't involved anymore (dday occured and he chose to reconcile with his second wife) I was told that he had another "other woman" besides me that he was continuing to see.

 

I never saw that coming. My heart says it can't be true. That it's a crock. But my head says hell yes it's true... afterall, he lied to his first, lied to his second, and lied to me...amazing. But this time he didn't leave his wife...hmmmm didn't want to lose everything again maybe?

Edited September 22, 2010 by blizzard

[lilbunny]

I am very certain that he had never strayed before. I'm sure someone will shoot me down for that but I do think it was the first time he had done anything like that.

Do I think he will do it again? Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he did.

[White Flower]

I thought an OW could only be the " victim" of a serial cheater if there was an OOW. If there wasn't her position is far sweeter (as long as her needs are being met) than the wife IMO.

 

As we are talking about MM that serially cheat on their wives I still hold that view.

 

It is better to live in the light (OW) than in the dark (BS) being gaslighted to hell. That is even worse than knowing and turning a blind eye.

Anyone can be gaslighted, even the OW, OOW, OOOW, etc. And you're only a victim if you see yourself that way. If you tackle it head on by cutting him out of your life, accepting the sitch as is, or dealing with it together you (speaking as OW) are no longer a victim.

 

Ahhh, yes. The old "I know he lies to his W but he would NEVER lie to ME."

 

And a cheater is perfectly capable of being a serial cheater with the same OM/OW over and over and over again.

True. And he could be her victim once she finds out!!!

 

Really, WOW Really, how COULD anyone know?

 

Unless the SO admitted to a whole string of multiple infidelities. And I am always amazed how it is categorized as ONSs ONLY to the AP.

 

I mean, how would you know? It seems to me that if someone has the ability to be a serial cheater, they must also be a MASTER of lying, deceit and compartmentalization.

 

So, let's say the have the BS at home and OW/OM on the side. It does create the perfect scenario to continue to lie, doesn't it?

 

"I have to be with my family tonight," said to the OW/om, could surely be as must a lie as anything else? It would be the perfect cover to have a dalliance outside the affair relationship, yes?

 

The OW/OM will never check up on the MP's whereabouts. It is the unspoken affair rule: DO NOT CALL ME WHEN I AM WITH MY FAMILY.

 

As for the BS, what ever subterfuge being used to hide the AP, could also be used to hide multiple infidelities.

 

So unless someone is confessing all, how would you know? Whether you are the AP or the BS. Because the propensity could certainly be there, I think.

Very true. You don't bother him when he's with his family and guess what? 'Anyone' could be his family and you would never know. But if you're good, you will eventually figure out how by triangulation and get your answers, sharpening your intuition. NEVER ignore your gut.

But truly bohogirl, HOW WOULD YOU KOW FOR SURE that there AREN'T OOW?

 

Because the man, lying to his wife, ISN'T CAPABLE of lying to you?

 

Why? Because he said so???????????

Again, test your theories each and every time. It won't take long once you start.

 

The MM that I am involved with had another A prior to mine. I do not know if it was the only one, although he says it was.

 

I knew about the previous A because the OW was someone I knew. It finished because they had a D-day and he did not leave and she ended it.

 

I don;t know if that constitutes a serial cheater, but it certainly is someone who had an A, was discovered, and stayed married.

I figured out my guy was serial and once I confronted him he really didn't want to lose me. We had many, many talks about his serial ways, how they got started, how he ended most of it, but how he found it difficult to formalize 'good-byes' with the bunny-boilers, or those with bunny-boiler tendencies. I had a hand in helping him make those formal farewells.

 

I asked him if he shared any of what I knew with anyone of his ex OOW. He told ONE about a prior OW and that was it. Though he loved her, he did not trust her completely to tell her about the rest. Though he loved her, true intimacy was not reached.

 

I don't know what the motive was behind the OP, but my guess is she wants to know what is behind the motivation of the serial cheater. Most people will tell you they do it because they can.

 

Well, I 'can' but I don't want to, so there blows that theory. No, they don't do it because they can; they do it because they are looking for something MORE than what they have. Most of them have beautiful wives, great lives, and happy homes. But they wake up one day and say, 'Wow, is this all there is?'. If they don't reach true intimacy and a deep and undying love with their partner, they will look (and look and look and look) until they find it. Sometimes, after many affairs, they do find it. They may feel like a fool, they may have 'ruined' many lives, but they will eventually find what they are looking for...or die trying.

 

So in the end, it really is all about love.

[White Flower]

Are any of you OW/OM involved with a serial cheater that is still married even after multiple affairs?

I'm sorry WowReally,

 

I didn't even answer your question in that long post, even though it is pretty obvious.

 

Yes, I'm involved with a MM after finding out he was a serial cheater. And he was a bad one, having multiple and overlapping affairs.

 

When I had a gut instinct I demanded the password to his secret email account and found most of my answers there. That is how I found out his A life was over (except with me) and how I confirmed he made his formal farewells to them. They still 'scratch at the back door' but he ignores them now, not fearing in any way that they'll inform his W for not playing, like he did at one time.

 

He also spent much more time with me from the D-day, lol, that I had with his email account. He did what it took to prove to me that I was the only one.

 

He's in IC and making plans to leave his W. He feels he is truly done with cheating and no longer wants to cheat on his wife with me. He never wants to cheat again. He has found what he's been looking for. Truly, if it wasn't me, I would be happy for him. It is not every day that a serial anything overcomes their ways.