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Can I be friends with my former affair partner?


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Old 18th August 2003, 5:17 PM   #1
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Can I be friends with my former affair partner?

Like all relationships, this one is much more complicated than I will portray but in the interests of brevity I will gloss over some details.

I had a long term affair (> 10 yr) with a woman. We are both married. The affair is mostly emotional but also sometimes physical. We go through periods of intense involvement and then drift apart due to circumstance and sometimes conscience on her part or mine. We've reconnected each time sometimes after years of no contact.

The last 2 years have been different in that we have grown closer than we ever had and for a longer duration. Some months ago she stopped intimate physical contact with me due to conscience. After some weeks of intense back and forth I said that if there will be no inimate physical contact then I want to end the relationship. This took her by surprise but for the last month or so I have stuck to my guns and we have had no contact.

So my issue is that I really miss her. As you can imagine after such a long time together we have grown quite close and I have come to depend on her. She became my closest friend and confidant by far. I have no one I can talk with about this. Many times over the past month I have been on the verge of calling her to see if we can continue our friendship but each time I have resisited. I fear that I will always want what she has told me is off limits. I wonder though if I am cutting off a significant part of myself just for spite.

Can you have a relationship with an ex affair partner?
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Old 18th August 2003, 5:23 PM   #2
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I think certain people could be friends but I don't think you could pull it off.

You wrote: "She became my closest friend and confidant by far..." Why do you stay married when this other lady is your closest friend and confidant...something your wife should be? You've been having an affair off and on for ten years with someone who is closer to you than your wife. Is there any reason why you don't pull the plug on your marriage or did you just use your marriage to make this affair exciting for you.

It is my personal opinion that you are using this lady for some sort of excitement because it is certainly a deceitful act of betrayal. But you didn't come here to be reminded what you were doing. You just want to know if you can be friends with her. Given the history of this relationship, my feeling is that pure friendship can't happen and that's not even what you want.
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Old 18th August 2003, 7:00 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tony
Is there any reason why you don't pull the plug on your marriage or did you just use your marriage to make this affair exciting for you.
She would not leave her family.
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