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Hello everyone

 

I am a complete idiot. I do not know what to do with myself.

 

So me and my MM were totally finished. I'd been through the pain. I was feeling good about it. I mourned. I cried. I was sad. I was feeling clear and positive and looking forward to the future.

 

I had also aknowleged that what i had done (no jugement on others but for me ) was "wrong", that I had felt GUILTY about it the whole time, but repressed it.

 

I felt SO good about it being over. I really really did.

 

Then:

 

I met a really nice guy last week.

 

He's available, and keen, I fancy him, he's funny and we had a really good time together. I really like him and I have been feeling really excited about meeting a guy who might really like me and more than anything who i get to DO stuff with! And talk about to my friends! And who wants to come over and cook food and hang out and go to the movies! Like a real relationship maybe. It's early days, we havent' slept together or anything, we've just been on a couple of dates and kissed and it's been really nice.

 

tomorrow I'm meant to be seeing him again. I've been really excited. But also feeling a bit scared . Like, anxious about getting involved because new guy is quite full on. He calls me every day. lots of textings. and thing is, while i kno this is a good thing, it scares me cos the last "real" boyfriend I had was very possessive and jealous and full on and he got angry if i talked to other men and when i tried to leave him - to cut a long story short - he kept me prisoner in his house and abused me. Sorry to be dark! But...you know. It's the truth so. I just want to set the context for all this.

 

Then this morning my MM drives past me in his car. Litrally. Wtf?! Itr was really near my work and He stops. And beeps. And I get in. And I go have sex with him.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

 

Have i ****ed up my chance of a new and nice relationship?

 

Why have I done this?

 

I feel so mental. I'm so pissed off with myself.

 

Can I still go on my date tomrrow? Or is that so gross of me.

 

I just want to meet a nice man and have a nice relationship and stop being such a ****wit but i'm so self destructive and sabotaging i dont kno if im capable :(

 

Be as hard on me as you want. It's waht i deserve. but if anyone has any words of wisdom........that would be much appreciated too.

 

Has anyone else done this sort of thing? Or experienced this? Can anyone shed light on what i should do about it? Or how to cope with it?

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Hello everyone

 

I am a complete idiot. I do not know what to do with myself.

 

So me and my MM were totally finished. I'd been through the pain. I was feeling good about it. I mourned. I cried. I was sad. I was feeling clear and positive and looking forward to the future.

 

I had also aknowleged that what i had done (no jugement on others but for me ) was "wrong", that I had felt GUILTY about it the whole time, but repressed it.

 

I felt SO good about it being over. I really really did.

 

Then:

 

I met a really nice guy last week.

 

He's available, and keen, I fancy him, he's funny and we had a really good time together. I really like him and I have been feeling really excited about meeting a guy who might really like me and more than anything who i get to DO stuff with! And talk about to my friends! And who wants to come over and cook food and hang out and go to the movies! Like a real relationship maybe. It's early days, we havent' slept together or anything, we've just been on a couple of dates and kissed and it's been really nice.

 

tomorrow I'm meant to be seeing him again. I've been really excited. But also feeling a bit scared . Like, anxious about getting involved because new guy is quite full on. He calls me every day. lots of textings. and thing is, while i kno this is a good thing, it scares me cos the last "real" boyfriend I had was very possessive and jealous and full on and he got angry if i talked to other men and when i tried to leave him - to cut a long story short - he kept me prisoner in his house and abused me. Sorry to be dark! But...you know. It's the truth so. I just want to set the context for all this.

 

Then this morning my MM drives past me in his car. Litrally. Wtf?! Itr was really near my work and He stops. And beeps. And I get in. And I go have sex with him.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

 

Have i ****ed up my chance of a new and nice relationship?

 

Why have I done this?

 

I feel so mental. I'm so pissed off with myself.

 

Can I still go on my date tomrrow? Or is that so gross of me.

 

I just want to meet a nice man and have a nice relationship and stop being such a ****wit but i'm so self destructive and sabotaging i dont kno if im capable :(

 

Be as hard on me as you want. It's waht i deserve. but if anyone has any words of wisdom........that would be much appreciated too.

 

Has anyone else done this sort of thing? Or experienced this? Can anyone shed light on what i should do about it? Or how to cope with it?

 

theodora, it sounds as if you're frightened at the prospect of a "healthy" R and so you're self-sabotaging.

 

Chill. Go out with your new guy tomorrow and forget about the slip up with the MM. Learn the lesson and move on. Don't wear it around your neck like a millstone, or you'll never be able to get over him and move on.

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torranceshipman

So glad you posted! And keep posting.

 

Look...the reason you did that with MM is because your self esteem is still completely trashed, from your maniac ex who abused you, and from the MM who used you. MM is toxic. Think of him as the troll from those fairy tales that lives under a bridge. You go with him because you think you're not worth much (and you ARE).

 

Self esteem takes a long time to recover but the good news is:

a) the new guy clearly adores you, and that is because you are clearly a good catch. Being around someone that healthy and positive will really help you to see yourself in a more healthy way;

 

b) you see that your behavior was crazy, but you haven't messed up anything with the new guy. LEARN from this - never get involved with the MM again. He used you, and you don't deserve that crappy treatment.

 

If I were you I would sit down, set out some really hard and fast boundaries for your own behavior, then really live by them. Sounds easy but it can really let the alarm bell go off in your head (in a dangerous situation) much quicker than had you not taken the time to think through this stuff.

 

If I were you I would also look at how you live your life right now, and do whatever you can to fill it with stuff that makes you feel happy and healthy (gym, spa days, reading, new hobbies, movies with girlfriends, a healthy diet, etc etc) - and avoid anything that is negative.

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Like, anxious about getting involved because new guy is quite full on. He calls me every day. lots of textings. and thing is, while i kno this is a good thing, it scares me cos the last "real" boyfriend I had was very possessive and jealous and full on and he got angry if i talked to other men and when i tried to leave him - to cut a long story short - he kept me prisoner in his house and abused me. Sorry to be dark! But...you know. It's the truth so. I just want to set the context for all this.

 

Try not to project the behaviour of your OLD boyfriend onto your potential NEW boyfriend. The new guy isn't the old guy. It's really that simple of an equation.

 

Then this morning my MM drives past me in his car. Litrally. Wtf?! Itr was really near my work and He stops. And beeps. And I get in. And I go have sex with him.

 

That is a terrible burden that you now have to process and I hope you seek out counselling why you are A) involved with a MM and B) why you had to have sex with him on-the-spot when you seem to have ended it. It definitely is self-sabotage.

 

Can I still go on my date tomrrow? Or is that so gross of me.

 

No it's not gross. Don't pass up the opportunity to meet a new and possibly wonderful man. But really go see a counsellor and figure out why you are self-sabotaging with a MM.

 

Best of luck.

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theodora, it sounds as if you're frightened at the prospect of a "healthy" R and so you're self-sabotaging.

 

Chill. Go out with your new guy tomorrow and forget about the slip up with the MM. Learn the lesson and move on. Don't wear it around your neck like a millstone, or you'll never be able to get over him and move on.

 

 

OWoman gave you some wise advice, listen up. :)

 

Also get some help with understanding about why you took a silly risk that put you in a bad situation.

 

Don't give up.........just resolve to not go back there. Move forward.

 

 

Hugs........

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaargh

 

Thank you all so much!!!!!

 

I can't tell you how even just hearing all that has made me feel better. I feel so emotional and tired and weird. I'd bought a new dress for my date and now i just feel like such a dick, like im useless and a slag and never going to behappy :( Argh.

 

I really want to believe that new man is nice and that it could be ok. I really did feel like I'd got to a place where i was ready for that and wanted that and was ready to let someone be kind to me.

 

Weird thing is, the nicer the new man is - the more suspeicous i feel of him. wtf?

 

Right though. Right. Work out boundaries and stick to them. That is an EXCELLENT idea. And do nice things. Again, good.

 

YES. I feel like that's something positive I can do which will give me solid things to fix on.

 

The thing is, what cuts me up about the whole thing is that I love humans and I never want people to be unhappy. The MM thing was such a F* up in my history because I never ever wanted to let a man cheat with me, was against it in the past, but because he is alot older than me, he kind of hooked into my bad rel with my father and I KNOW i want him to be my dad. It's not even about sex, i just long for his approval and that's how i get it off him.

 

I kno he uses me. Throuout our rel. he picked me up and dropped me endless times when it was convenient and it hurt and i cried and then went back for more. i thought id got over that.

 

But maybe it's just a last ditch thing because the new guy mite be a good thing? Maybe? I hope so.

 

Thanks guys.

 

I like the idea of just letting this go tho. I mean. I can't change whats done, right? So. I just need to try and change what happens next.

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Hi Theodora,

 

I can relate to what you did because there were so many times I was *done* with my xMM and then I allowed myself to be reeled back in. I did stupid things I regretted, and it felt like a never-ending cycle. The thing is, the relationship is addictive and toxic and you have to get strong enough to stay away from it no matter what. And this is really hard.

 

My advice is slightly different from the rest. What I recommend is some time off from relationships. As silly as it may sound, focus on dating yourself. Love yourself, treat yourself special, really love the life you live. I'm not sure if you're in counseling, but that might help, and I liked the suggestions to treat yourself to relaxing things and to strengthen your friendships with your girlfriends/ family members.

 

I am guilty of looking to guys to make myself feel special or appreciated. That really needs to come from within. It sounds cliche but you have to love yourself and be happy with your life on your own before you can be ready for a new relationship. It takes practice and thought, like anything else. And over time I believe you will be strong enough to look the other way if xMM beeps at you, because you love and respect yourself enough to know you don't want him. And you know what you want and you're acting accordingly.

 

I don't necessarily mean don't go on a date with the new guy, but put up strong boundaries to remember that you are focusing on yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the only thing that's important right now. :) You might even want to tell him that you are taking a break from serious relationships and only interested in casually dating, so he knows where you stand. Also no matter when you date or who you date, be sure to stay focused on what you want in a partner and see whether the guy has those qualities or not. If not, keep on moving, because life is too short to get caught up in another dangerous relationship, or get stuck in one that doesn't feel right for you.

 

Good luck!

Nadia

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torranceshipman
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaargh

 

Thank you all so much!!!!!

 

I can't tell you how even just hearing all that has made me feel better. I feel so emotional and tired and weird. I'd bought a new dress for my date and now i just feel like such a dick, like im useless and a slag and never going to behappy :( Argh.

 

I really want to believe that new man is nice and that it could be ok. I really did feel like I'd got to a place where i was ready for that and wanted that and was ready to let someone be kind to me.

 

Weird thing is, the nicer the new man is - the more suspeicous i feel of him. wtf?

 

Right though. Right. Work out boundaries and stick to them. That is an EXCELLENT idea. And do nice things. Again, good.

 

YES. I feel like that's something positive I can do which will give me solid things to fix on.

 

The thing is, what cuts me up about the whole thing is that I love humans and I never want people to be unhappy. The MM thing was such a F* up in my history because I never ever wanted to let a man cheat with me, was against it in the past, but because he is alot older than me, he kind of hooked into my bad rel with my father and I KNOW i want him to be my dad. It's not even about sex, i just long for his approval and that's how i get it off him.

 

I kno he uses me. Throuout our rel. he picked me up and dropped me endless times when it was convenient and it hurt and i cried and then went back for more. i thought id got over that.

 

But maybe it's just a last ditch thing because the new guy mite be a good thing? Maybe? I hope so.

 

Thanks guys.

 

I like the idea of just letting this go tho. I mean. I can't change whats done, right? So. I just need to try and change what happens next.

 

I tell you what Theodora, Loveshack is FULL of people who have done really stupid things, a lot! LOL. We are ALL guilty of that. All human make mistakes, we all do stupid stuff, you are not alone. The key is to say, you know what, I have a blank slate - that stuff taught me valuable lessons - how am I going to use them?

 

Plus you are very self aware about the old guy thing - you'd be surprised about how many people do stuff like that with out realizing why - so you have a head start :D

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Fieldsofgold
Oh, hon, if you feel stupid today, take a number and go on to the back of the line. There's a world of people ahead of you.

 

I have two words for you. Respect, boundaries.

 

Respect is about respecting yourself, expecting/demanding that other people respect you - and staying away from those who don't. Learning self-respect was a long, slow process for me, and involved IC.

 

I knew what respect was, because I knew how to treat other people with respect. There was a turning point for me. After that, in various situations, I began to ask myself, "Is this person treating me with respect? If not, why am I still here?"

 

Now, being treated with respect is the deal-breaker for me.

 

Maybe this recent encounter with MM is a turning point for you. After all, it is usually not the pleasant experiences in life that motivate us to grow.

 

Setting boundaries is about having respect for yourself. Counselling can really help with both these things.

 

Forgive yourself, treat yourself lovingly, think about how you deserve to be respected, and enjoy your date!

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Hi Theodora,

 

I can relate to what you did because there were so many times I was *done* with my xMM and then I allowed myself to be reeled back in. I did stupid things I regretted, and it felt like a never-ending cycle. The thing is, the relationship is addictive and toxic and you have to get strong enough to stay away from it no matter what. And this is really hard.

 

My advice is slightly different from the rest. What I recommend is some time off from relationships. As silly as it may sound, focus on dating yourself. Love yourself, treat yourself special, really love the life you live. I'm not sure if you're in counseling, but that might help, and I liked the suggestions to treat yourself to relaxing things and to strengthen your friendships with your girlfriends/ family members.

 

I am guilty of looking to guys to make myself feel special or appreciated. That really needs to come from within. It sounds cliche but you have to love yourself and be happy with your life on your own before you can be ready for a new relationship. It takes practice and thought, like anything else. And over time I believe you will be strong enough to look the other way if xMM beeps at you, because you love and respect yourself enough to know you don't want him. And you know what you want and you're acting accordingly.

 

I don't necessarily mean don't go on a date with the new guy, but put up strong boundaries to remember that you are focusing on yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the only thing that's important right now. :) You might even want to tell him that you are taking a break from serious relationships and only interested in casually dating, so he knows where you stand. Also no matter when you date or who you date, be sure to stay focused on what you want in a partner and see whether the guy has those qualities or not. If not, keep on moving, because life is too short to get caught up in another dangerous relationship, or get stuck in one that doesn't feel right for you.

 

Good luck!

Nadia

 

I think this is great advice. Theodora, how long had you been NC before this incident? I ask because I'm about 2 weeks into NC and am just starting to feel some of those positives you are talking about ... but I also realize that I'm still really vulnerable to her. My personal plan echoes Nadia's post - I'm taking a 3-month personal hiatus from dating. Figure I need to get myself squared away first.

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Confused4Now
I think this is great advice. Theodora, how long had you been NC before this incident? I ask because I'm about 2 weeks into NC and am just starting to feel some of those positives you are talking about ... but I also realize that I'm still really vulnerable to her. My personal plan echoes Nadia's post - I'm taking a 3-month personal hiatus from dating. Figure I need to get myself squared away first.
Trust me your going to need more then 3 months...I think to properly heal you need at least 6 months minimum to a year.....what you and I went through was very toxic and you'll never forget this as long as you live.
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theodora, it sounds as if you're frightened at the prospect of a "healthy" R and so you're self-sabotaging.

 

Chill. Go out with your new guy tomorrow and forget about the slip up with the MM. Learn the lesson and move on. Don't wear it around your neck like a millstone, or you'll never be able to get over him and move on.

This is really good advice. You did a crossover into the past. Forgive yourself and go on and go out.

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I think this is great advice. Theodora, how long had you been NC before this incident? I ask because I'm about 2 weeks into NC and am just starting to feel some of those positives you are talking about ... but I also realize that I'm still really vulnerable to her. My personal plan echoes Nadia's post - I'm taking a 3-month personal hiatus from dating. Figure I need to get myself squared away first.

 

 

Had been NC maybe just over a month? IE NOT LONG ENOUGH to see him in the street obviously!!!

 

I actually probably agree with the hiatus from dating thing.

 

I think it's sound advice. I guess it's sound advice I'mgoing to ignore. At least for now,

 

And here's the reason: my ex who messed with my head was quite a long time ago. And I've taken a hiatus from dating ever since! i never trusted a man after that, and managed only ever to meet ones who weren't keen, who werent available, or who didnt threaten me.

 

So. I dunno. I guess I kind of know that it's the wise thing to do to not see the new guy, but I just don't feel like I can let him go unless I really need to because hot men who are nice and who like me and who want to treat me well just dont come along that often!!!

 

He has told me that he's going to treat me good. And i kno he could be lying but i feel like i should give him a chance. becase no ones ever said things like that to me before.

 

And I am already in counselling too. An embarrassing thing to admit when I'm obviously still such a giant F*wit :o.

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torranceshipman

Lol, Theodora, you are funny. Enjoy it with the new guy BUT identify what red flags are dealbreakers - and then if you see one - run! If you don't, and he continues to be a sweetie, enjoy it! :D

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Theodora - what a huge 'Oops'!

 

Right... what's done is done, you now need to look toward getting over him again, I assume. Firstly, the boundaries advice is crucial - if you want to fully heal and move on you must extradite him from your life. No good will come from talking (or, ya'know... the rest too) to him. He's a gonna... a feature of your past NOT to be repeated. You can do it, hon - you slipped up but think about where you want to be instead. No more jumping at the pieces he throws you.

 

This new guy - do you like him? Could you have fun together? If so, go out with him. You don't have to rush anything but it might do you good to be treated well by another guy. A bit of a boost to the ego could bolster up your self-esteem and help prevent xMM happening again. You're worth more sweetie.

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When you get real good and angry at being treated so disrespectfully is a true sign of health and self-esteem. It's a hard lesson to learn for all of us.

 

That's when you set boundaries as to what you find acceptable or unacceptable in how other's treat you.

 

As for the new guy, it is okay to take it slow. He'll wait for you.

 

Forgive yourself and enjoy someone who treats you well.

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