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When MP blames A on OP


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White Flower

I was reading these posts in the infidelity forum and it really got me thinking. I wonder how often a WH tells a BW that he blames the OW for helping him cheat, helping him to no longer be faithful to his wife, helping him strip himself of his Knight in Shining Armor suit.

 

I am not in any way bashing the poster whose H tells her these things. I'm fairly certain he believes exactly what he is telling her, even if he is possibly changing history.

 

The main problem I have is that HE is the one to blame, not the OW because HE is the one who strayed and HE is the one who ultimately betrayed his wife. Why then blame the OW? It is not her responsibility whatsoever to help him uphold any law or vow, especially if she believes his M is over anyway.

 

Keep in mind her H suffers from KISA (Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome). My MM does as well. Funny how the very thing they lure you in with is the very thing they later blame the OW for when the title is stripped after D-day.

 

A few quotes from that thread:

 

He's told everyone the truth about he felt and how he feels now. He only feels shame and hates what he and she did, according to him.

 

She thought he was all that....and that is what he needed at the time, but not enough to be with her full time. Really doesn't care too much for her now. Don't know why, but that's the way it is. Something about helping him to betray the very characteristics he and she most admired in himself; family guy, devoted husband.

 

But I no longer care because we are deeply in love and it is all good and really has been for a very long time.

 

those are his words, not mine.

 

He today is examining how and why his life took a left. He today realizes he can NEVER go back to the legacy of being a faithful loving family man. That's gone forever. And he blames himself terribly for making such a weak choice for reasons of ego.

 

But he blames her too. Because she encouraged, enabled, helped him to break the very thing he and she and I prized most of all about him: he WAS a good, loving, devoted family man who had been faithful. And until his depression, his integrity had been rock solid.

 

But she wanted him for herself to ease her loneliness. And ultimately, she was as selfish as he was. Because if you love someone, how do you help them become less honorable, less devoted, less loving, less honest to their spouse and family?

 

So he deals with self-hatred. In his words: "I hate what she and I did! We used each other to feel good. It was breathtakingly selfish on both our parts."

 

So now he hates her too. I wish it wasn't true because I think it impedes his healing, but there it is.

 

But the sex? Pretty routine and boring. Go figure.

Why can't he just say, 'I hate what I did to you.'? I think the answer lies within the fact that he needs that KISA suit back on.

 

I have asked MM if he could ever do that to me. He says that he minimized the A on D-day and said it was EA only in order to protect me because if/when we land up together she won't be able to do any name-calling. He has not fessed up to much of anything other than we talked a lot on the phone for a couple of years. He also finally admitted to having cheated before because he doesn't want her to blame me in the future for breaking up their M; he now wants her to know that cheating was always his pattern.

 

This thread is not about bashing any poster, nor giving an update on my sitch. It is only about the WS including the AP in the blame after D-day.

 

What are your thoughts experiences on WS blaming the OP?

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I was reading these posts in the infidelity forum and it really got me thinking. I wonder how often a WH tells a BW that he blames the OW for helping him cheat, helping him to no longer be faithful to his wife, helping him strip himself of his Knight in Shining Armor suit.

 

I am not in any way bashing the poster whose H tells her these things. I'm fairly certain he believes exactly what he is telling her, even if he is possibly changing history.

 

The main problem I have is that HE is the one to blame, not the OW because HE is the one who strayed and HE is the one who ultimately betrayed his wife. Why then blame the OW? It is not her responsibility whatsoever to help him uphold any law or vow, especially if she believes his M is over anyway.

 

Keep in mind her H suffers from KISA (Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome). My MM does as well. Funny how the very thing they lure you in with is the very thing they later blame the OW for when the title is stripped after D-day.

 

A few quotes from that thread:

 

 

 

Why can't he just say, 'I hate what I did to you.'? I think the answer lies within the fact that he needs that KISA suit back on.

 

I have asked MM if he could ever do that to me. He says that he minimized the A on D-day and said it was EA only in order to protect me because if/when we land up together she won't be able to do any name-calling. He has not fessed up to much of anything other than we talked a lot on the phone for a couple of years. He also finally admitted to having cheated before because he doesn't want her to blame me in the future for breaking up their M; he now wants her to know that cheating was always his pattern.

 

This thread is not about bashing any poster, nor giving an update on my sitch. It is only about the WS including the AP in the blame after D-day.

 

What are your thoughts experiences on WS blaming the OP?

 

The husband is telling the wife what she longs to hear. Not that he done everything in his power the win the OW, but that she came after him in a way that made it almost impossible to turn down. I have been a BS. At the time i took great comfort in his version of the story. Of course I am not so naive now.

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This must depend on the AP too. I used to prefer MM and was sometimes the aggressor. Sure, they had the commitment, not me, but most men are pretty easy to seduce. I would not be surprised or think it was unfair if these MM held me partially responsible. In another case, the MM was definitely the pursuer, relentless even, and I know he didn't hold me responsible.

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White Flower
This must depend on the AP too. I used to prefer MM and was sometimes the aggressor. Sure, they had the commitment, not me, but most men are pretty easy to seduce. I would not be surprised or think it was unfair if these MM held me partially responsible. In another case, the MM was definitely the pursuer, relentless even, and I know he didn't hold me responsible.

Excellent point!

 

What surprised me about the KISA WS in my OP is that it didn't fly with his KISA complex. Usually the knight in shining armor would want to protect his damsel-in-distress and NOT put the blame on her; usually he'd take it all upon himself. At least one would think so.

 

Perhaps he is hiding being OW's apron strings on this one?

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The husband is telling the wife what she longs to hear. Not that he done everything in his power the win the OW, but that she came after him in a way that made it almost impossible to turn down.

 

Maybe. Maybe not. Unless you know this particular husband and OW, how can you be sure? Some women do go after MM and can be quite good at getting what they want. Doesn't it depend on the particular OW and MM?

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White Flower
Maybe. Maybe not. Unless you know this particular husband and OW, how can you be sure? Some women do go after MM and can be quite good at getting what they want. Doesn't it depend on the particular OW and MM?

I'm sure it does.

 

I know I was the pursued one in my A and he is also the KISA. Yet, he takes the blame. He even tells her he is in IC to get help for HIS problem. He refused to go to MC.

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This is a hard one!

 

Reading what you quoted from Infidelity Forum, I am floored. I can imagine much the same over at xMOM's house.

 

To my mind, the more you minimize the more a coward you are. The more you blame the AP, the less integrity you appear to have to an intelligent BS (for As rather than ONSs).

 

In my own case, I enhanced myself in my H's eyes by saying the gaslighting was out of consideration for my AP. But this was true, at least consciously.

 

Take it on the chin. If you want to be absolved and work on the M, then come clean. You saying the AP tempted you is after all only saying you were up for the temptation.

 

What I find hard in my case, is that I believe (perhaps wrongly) that xMOM's BS thinks I did it all for kicks. I don't know what she thinks really, but I know she doesn't want to understand me.

 

She wants to understand her H. So his truth, or spin, or wriggling out of it, will be her truth. And that's her choice as much as his.

 

I don't like it, but that's it. The truth as in what people accept.

 

It reminds me of another thread about love and war. Because we all know in war, the victor gets to write the history.

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This must depend on the AP too. I used to prefer MM and was sometimes the aggressor. Sure, they had the commitment, not me, but most men are pretty easy to seduce. I would not be surprised or think it was unfair if these MM held me partially responsible. In another case, the MM was definitely the pursuer, relentless even, and I know he didn't hold me responsible.

 

I understand what you are saying, but really they can say 'no thanks I'm married'. I am single and available. It is the MM or MW who for want of a better word 'owes' loyalty to the W/H and the M. I saw two girls arguing in a bar last night. One had been seeing the other's boyfriend behind her back. I couldn't understand why for the life of me she was wasting energy shouting at a stranger who owed her nothing and not directing her anger at the boyfriend who had wronged her.

I have never cheated on anyone I have been in a relationship with. They made the choice to cheat, they go home and tell the lies. I have been cheated on and I 100% laid the blame with my SO.

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White Flower
This is a hard one!

 

Reading what you quoted from Infidelity Forum, I am floored. I can imagine much the same over at xMOM's house.

 

To my mind, the more you minimize the more a coward you are. The more you blame the AP, the less integrity you appear to have to an intelligent BS (for As rather than ONSs).

 

In my own case, I enhanced myself in my H's eyes by saying the gaslighting was out of consideration for my AP. But this was true, at least consciously.

 

Take it on the chin. If you want to be absolved and work on the M, then come clean. You saying the AP tempted you is after all only saying you were up for the temptation.

 

What I find hard in my case, is that I believe (perhaps wrongly) that xMOM's BS thinks I did it all for kicks. I don't know what she thinks really, but I know she doesn't want to understand me.

 

She wants to understand her H. So his truth, or spin, or wriggling out of it, will be her truth. And that's her choice as much as his.

 

I don't like it, but that's it. The truth as in what people accept.

 

It reminds me of another thread about love and war. Because we all know in war, the victor gets to write the history.

Or rewrite the history!

 

I understand about the BS choosing which truth he/she decides to believe in.

 

I was called twice (on two different D-days a year and a half apart) by MM's W and both times she did not leave a voicemail asking me to return her call. This told me what her intention was, as MM suggested; she wanted to yell at me to stay away and then hang up. Her action after, staying with him and believing whatever he told her, suggests that to be the truth. She has two years (or more) of my cell phone number in her online records yet she has not called me once since D-day. She has chosen which truth to believe in and it isn't the real truth.

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What surprised me about the KISA WS in my OP is that it didn't fly with his KISA complex. Usually the knight in shining armor would want to protect his damsel-in-distress and NOT put the blame on her; usually he'd take it all upon himself. At least one would think so.

 

Perhaps he is hiding being OW's apron strings on this one?

 

Some WS upon recommitting to their M, look back in disgust at the whole A and develop very negative feelings toward the AP. That is not exactly the same thing as blaming the AP for the A. From the quotes above, I think it may be possible that this KISA WS is now disgusted with the OW but doesn't necessarily blame her for the A. I'm not sure - just tossing out a possibility that I would find plausible. Even a KISA may be very negative about the OW if he is very negative and embarassed about the A.

 

In my experience, most men are not that aware that they have been seduced. They tend to think of themselves as the seducer, even when they aren't. So, I find it easier to understand the general disgust than the blame possibility. But people can be complex and KISA may coexist with blaming others when things go wrong.

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White Flower
From the quotes above, I think it may be possible that this KISA WS is now disgusted with the OW but doesn't necessarily blame her for the A.

He did both, but got me thinking further...

 

My MM had several OW in the past and has shared very intimate details about them with me. He did fall out of love with them and even admitted to not loving some of them. On occasion he even called one of them a name I didn't care for and I shut him down immediately. I reminded him that he once loved this woman and that I wasn't so sensitive that I couldn't handle that truth so please don't go minimizing this human being you once loved and for God's sake don't go blaming her for being hurt.

 

He never did blame any of them for the affairs, except one; the one that lured him into his first affair and even then he knew he had a choice to turn away from it. From that point on, it was all his game.

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GreenEyedLady

It's called blameshifting and wanting the dust to settle. Only thing is that this keeps MP from accepting responsibility in them devastating their spouse and doesn't address WHY the cheating happened.

 

It is also a way to get things back to "normal" so they can run BACK to OW and maintain status quo.

 

GEL

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I was reading these posts in the infidelity forum and it really got me thinking. I wonder how often a WH tells a BW that he blames the OW for helping him cheat, helping him to no longer be faithful to his wife, helping him strip himself of his Knight in Shining Armor suit.

 

I am not in any way bashing the poster whose H tells her these things. I'm fairly certain he believes exactly what he is telling her, even if he is possibly changing history.

 

The main problem I have is that HE is the one to blame, not the OW because HE is the one who strayed and HE is the one who ultimately betrayed his wife. Why then blame the OW? It is not her responsibility whatsoever to help him uphold any law or vow, especially if she believes his M is over anyway.

 

Keep in mind her H suffers from KISA (Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome). My MM does as well. Funny how the very thing they lure you in with is the very thing they later blame the OW for when the title is stripped after D-day.

 

A few quotes from that thread:

 

 

 

Why can't he just say, 'I hate what I did to you.'? I think the answer lies within the fact that he needs that KISA suit back on.

 

I have asked MM if he could ever do that to me. He says that he minimized the A on D-day and said it was EA only in order to protect me because if/when we land up together she won't be able to do any name-calling. He has not fessed up to much of anything other than we talked a lot on the phone for a couple of years. He also finally admitted to having cheated before because he doesn't want her to blame me in the future for breaking up their M; he now wants her to know that cheating was always his pattern.

 

This thread is not about bashing any poster, nor giving an update on my sitch. It is only about the WS including the AP in the blame after D-day.

 

What are your thoughts experiences on WS blaming the OP?

 

 

As for blame for the OW - yes, in a way I can see why MM blame the OW considering she KNEW he was married. In no way am I saying HE has no blame - he has the majority of it; but there are tons of OW who knew the MM was married, who bought into his 'belief' that things at home weren't great and that have encouraged him to continue to cheat, encouraged him to leave and have even helped by telling him what to say to the BW. The fact that MM can't man up and either END their marriage or END their affair, on their own, shows the utter lack of strength and integrity IN MY OPINION these men have. I will never ever understand why women accept this from men. I know, I know - they love them.

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I was reading these posts in the infidelity forum and it really got me thinking. I wonder how often a WH tells a BW that he blames the OW for helping him cheat, helping him to no longer be faithful to his wife, helping him strip himself of his Knight in Shining Armor suit.

 

I am not in any way bashing the poster whose H tells her these things. I'm fairly certain he believes exactly what he is telling her, even if he is possibly changing history.

 

The main problem I have is that HE is the one to blame, not the OW because HE is the one who strayed and HE is the one who ultimately betrayed his wife. Why then blame the OW? It is not her responsibility whatsoever to help him uphold any law or vow, especially if she believes his M is over anyway.

 

Keep in mind her H suffers from KISA (Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome). My MM does as well. Funny how the very thing they lure you in with is the very thing they later blame the OW for when the title is stripped after D-day.

 

A few quotes from that thread:

 

 

 

Why can't he just say, 'I hate what I did to you.'? I think the answer lies within the fact that he needs that KISA suit back on.

 

I have asked MM if he could ever do that to me. He says that he minimized the A on D-day and said it was EA only in order to protect me because if/when we land up together she won't be able to do any name-calling. He has not fessed up to much of anything other than we talked a lot on the phone for a couple of years. He also finally admitted to having cheated before because he doesn't want her to blame me in the future for breaking up their M; he now wants her to know that cheating was always his pattern.

 

This thread is not about bashing any poster, nor giving an update on my sitch. It is only about the WS including the AP in the blame after D-day.

 

What are your thoughts experiences on WS blaming the OP?

 

WF, I would have loved to been a fly on the wall at exDM's house. I sincerely believe he told her what benefited him at the time, and God only knows what that was...lol...

 

This quote is blame-shifting at it's finest, very carefully described and made to sound like the OP seduced him...oh it's subtle, but it's there.

 

My experience was he left the email up screaming at him THAT HE WAS MARRIED, and to leave me alone. It was after this that his W and daughters, now keep in mind she knew of me all along because HE told her, proceeded to harrass me relentlessly, and they are sooooo lucky I didn't retaliate.

 

I am not sure how leaving that email up would help his cause if only to let her know it was over...he possibly was telling her I was chasing him (I have witnesses otherwise:D).

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I understand what you are saying, but really they can say 'no thanks I'm married'. I am single and available. It is the MM or MW who for want of a better word 'owes' loyalty to the W/H and the M. I saw two girls arguing in a bar last night. One had been seeing the other's boyfriend behind her back. I couldn't understand why for the life of me she was wasting energy shouting at a stranger who owed her nothing and not directing her anger at the boyfriend who had wronged her.

I have never cheated on anyone I have been in a relationship with. They made the choice to cheat, they go home and tell the lies. I have been cheated on and I 100% laid the blame with my SO.

 

In bold, most definitely, in fact I would not listen to "oh it was her fault...blah, blah"...no, they didn't even try to say anything like that because my WS's knew me.

 

In the quote in the OP, the thing that caught my attention was the part about him communicating himself to be the "family man"...I was wondering who he was trying to convince, himself, or his BW...that statement struck me very odd.

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White Flower
I think the WS is a punk. I think he is pathetic and irresponsible and a coward.

 

I also think, like I have said many many times, the MM is a liar. From what you quoted, I take it that you are basically telling Spark that her H lied to her about things..."his belief". Yet so many OW are quick to jump up and yell that the MM doesn't lie to her. Why can't it be the same way - that the MM doesn't lie to his wife?

 

No need to answer WF...rethorical questions. I just see a double standard.

 

As for blame for the OW - yes, in a way I can see why MM blame the OW considering she KNEW he was married. In no way am I saying HE has no blame - he has the majority of it; but there are tons of OW who knew the MM was married, who bought into his 'belief' that things at home weren't great and that have encouraged him to continue to cheat, encouraged him to leave and have even helped by telling him what to say to the BW. The fact that MM can't man up and either END their marriage or END their affair, on their own, shows the utter lack of strength and integrity IN MY OPINION these men have. I will never ever understand why women accept this from men. I know, I know - they love them.

But I will answer because I defend the notion that her H believes what he is telling her, and I also believe she believes him wholeheartedly.

 

I don't think he is necessarily lying (even though he could be) but I do feel he is rewriting history. It may be, as GEL suggests, that he is trying to get back with the OW like so many MM do or that he really is disgusted with his choices.

 

At any rate, if he is really KISA, why not be gallant and take the blame on his own?

 

And FTR, I didn't include her name in the quote because I wanted to protect her.

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I was reading these posts in the infidelity forum and it really got me thinking. I wonder how often a WH tells a BW that he blames the OW for helping him cheat, helping him to no longer be faithful to his wife, helping him strip himself of his Knight in Shining Armor suit.

 

I am not in any way bashing the poster whose H tells her these things. I'm fairly certain he believes exactly what he is telling her, even if he is possibly changing history.

 

The main problem I have is that HE is the one to blame, not the OW because HE is the one who strayed and HE is the one who ultimately betrayed his wife. Why then blame the OW? It is not her responsibility whatsoever to help him uphold any law or vow, especially if she believes his M is over anyway.

 

Keep in mind her H suffers from KISA (Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome). My MM does as well. Funny how the very thing they lure you in with is the very thing they later blame the OW for when the title is stripped after D-day.

 

A few quotes from that thread:

 

 

 

Why can't he just say, 'I hate what I did to you.'? I think the answer lies within the fact that he needs that KISA suit back on.

 

I have asked MM if he could ever do that to me. He says that he minimized the A on D-day and said it was EA only in order to protect me because if/when we land up together she won't be able to do any name-calling. He has not fessed up to much of anything other than we talked a lot on the phone for a couple of years. He also finally admitted to having cheated before because he doesn't want her to blame me in the future for breaking up their M; he now wants her to know that cheating was always his pattern.

 

This thread is not about bashing any poster, nor giving an update on my sitch. It is only about the WS including the AP in the blame after D-day.

 

What are your thoughts experiences on WS blaming the OP?

 

Hi WF, I found those comments you mentioned very odd, or at least unusual from the reading I've done on LS.

 

I don't think the H should 'blame' the AP at all, whatsoever... yuk! However, he could conceivably lose respect for her.

 

It may be very simple though. She may be one of those (and I know they exist) for whom the very existence of an affair is deemed exciting and puts her (she feels) in to a position of superiority over the H's other relationship. She may have been a Cheating Cheerleader, encouraging him to lie and getting off on the whole situation.

 

If that were the case I could probably find it easier to understand the quotes that were in that particular thread.

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Ok, as a BS, I blame my WH 100% for what he has done to our M by having an A.

 

BUT, I also blame OW for being what she is....She knew he was married, but she came on to him, complimenting him, boosting his ego, making googly eyes, placing her hand on his leg, arm, etc when she was talking to him. OW knew exactly what she was doing, and she also is to blame for her actions.

 

These OW/OM who know what is going on are just as responsible as the MM/MW who cheat. How a person could willingly cause another individual so much pain and heartache I will never understand. If you get involved with a MM/MW, you know that they are liars and cheaters, and you know, deep down, that no matter what they tell you about their BS (how bad the marriage is, how ugly/fat/stupid/whatever their BS is towards them), they are most likely lying to get you in the sack. They will never belong to OW/OM 100%. They go home to their BS and lie about A and the relationship that they have with you. They lie about you. They deny your relationship, which means that they deny you and your "love" for one another. There is nothing to be proud of as a OW/OM. The OW/OM knowingly cause an incomprehensible amount of pain to BS and it seems, for the most part, the OW/OM is in the fog about their relationship with MM/MW, thinking about the fantasy world that they have created as reality, or someday soon a reality when MM/MW leaves their BS (which they hardly ever do). Time to wake up and see it for what it is, an excuse for MM/MW to get selffish ego boosting cake.

 

But no, in this case, while it is not right for MM/MW to blame OW/OM, this one does also accept responsibility for his actions as well as blaming OW for this. OW knew he was married but she didn't care.

 

Bolded bit - that was only clear to me after DDay. When his BS had a lot to say. And his guilt too.

 

And you are wrong about his being partly beguiled by the effect of OW IMO.

 

He went for it -if he was beguiled he wanted to be.

 

That's not her fault - at all. He was sending tendrils outside the M. She was caught.

 

I find all the things I wanted to say are gone.

 

I just wish you, all BSs, and all all OW well.

 

I'm holding my thoughts on what I wish for MOM/MM.

 

But that's experience. And it seems, I'm an idiot. I believed in love. :o

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White Flower
Hi WF, I found those comments you mentioned very odd, or at least unusual from the reading I've done on LS.

 

I don't think the H should 'blame' the AP at all, whatsoever... yuk! However, he could conceivably lose respect for her.

 

It may be very simple though. She may be one of those (and I know they exist) for whom the very existence of an affair is deemed exciting and puts her (she feels) in to a position of superiority over the H's other relationship. She may have been a Cheating Cheerleader, encouraging him to lie and getting off on the whole situation.

 

If that were the case I could probably find it easier to understand the quotes that were in that particular thread.

In that case I think I could agree.

 

Yet, I think most BW see all OW in this light, sadly, when it just isn't the norm.

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In that case I think I could agree.

 

Yet, I think most BW see all OW in this light, sadly, when it just isn't the norm.

 

You're right. It's another Truth of Convenience. OWs are painted that way when in reality it's a tiny fraction who are like that and many are the opposite extreme.

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White Flower
Ok, as a BS, I blame my WH 100% for what he has done to our M by having an A.

 

BUT, I also blame OW for being what she is....She knew he was married, but she came on to him, complimenting him, boosting his ego, making googly eyes, placing her hand on his leg, arm, etc when she was talking to him. OW knew exactly what she was doing, and she also is to blame for her actions.

 

These OW/OM who know what is going on are just as responsible as the MM/MW who cheat. How a person could willingly cause another individual so much pain and heartache I will never understand. If you get involved with a MM/MW, you know that they are liars and cheaters, and you know, deep down, that no matter what they tell you about their BS (how bad the marriage is, how ugly/fat/stupid/whatever their BS is towards them), they are most likely lying to get you in the sack. They will never belong to OW/OM 100%. They go home to their BS and lie about A and the relationship that they have with you. They lie about you. They deny your relationship, which means that they deny you and your "love" for one another. There is nothing to be proud of as a OW/OM. The OW/OM knowingly cause an incomprehensible amount of pain to BS and it seems, for the most part, the OW/OM is in the fog about their relationship with MM/MW, thinking about the fantasy world that they have created as reality, or someday soon a reality when MM/MW leaves their BS (which they hardly ever do). Time to wake up and see it for what it is, an excuse for MM/MW to get selffish ego boosting cake.

 

But no, in this case, while it is not right for MM/MW to blame OW/OM, this one does also accept responsibility for his actions as well as blaming OW for this. OW knew he was married but she didn't care.

Hi emptypodgal, and welcome to LS!

 

I see you're a new poster and I'd like to say I hope you enjoy your time here and get good feedback whenever you post.

 

You will find many here who will agree to disagree. Your post is your truth as you see it but it isn't mine.

 

I will only blame myself for my pain for getting involved in my A. (I also accept the blame for allowing myself for marrying my exH, but that is another story!).:laugh:

 

But MM pursued me heavily for over a year and a half. He was the one who touched my arm, my leg, my hand and the one who had twinkly eyes, etc. He was the one in pain, etc. He never once said a bad word about his W, and had he done so I would have been turned off because I knew one day he could say those kinds of things about me.

 

And maybe that is why he didn't say he was disgusted with me or blamed me on D-day. I know I don't know everything, but I know what I believe based on the 5 years I've learned to read his face and all the consistencies.

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Ok, as a BS, I blame my WH 100% for what he has done to our M by having an A.

 

BUT, I also blame OW for being what she is....She knew he was married, but she came on to him, complimenting him, boosting his ego, making googly eyes, placing her hand on his leg, arm, etc when she was talking to him. OW knew exactly what she was doing, and she also is to blame for her actions.

 

These OW/OM who know what is going on are just as responsible as the MM/MW who cheat. How a person could willingly cause another individual so much pain and heartache I will never understand. If you get involved with a MM/MW, you know that they are liars and cheaters, and you know, deep down, that no matter what they tell you about their BS (how bad the marriage is, how ugly/fat/stupid/whatever their BS is towards them), they are most likely lying to get you in the sack. They will never belong to OW/OM 100%. They go home to their BS and lie about A and the relationship that they have with you. They lie about you. They deny your relationship, which means that they deny you and your "love" for one another. There is nothing to be proud of as a OW/OM. The OW/OM knowingly cause an incomprehensible amount of pain to BS and it seems, for the most part, the OW/OM is in the fog about their relationship with MM/MW, thinking about the fantasy world that they have created as reality, or someday soon a reality when MM/MW leaves their BS (which they hardly ever do). Time to wake up and see it for what it is, an excuse for MM/MW to get selffish ego boosting cake.

 

But no, in this case, while it is not right for MM/MW to blame OW/OM, this one does also accept responsibility for his actions as well as blaming OW for this. OW knew he was married but she didn't care.

 

With all due respect, you in all actuality do not hold you H 100% to blame, I see in your post blame to the OW also.

 

Is this what "he" told you...in bold, if he is the liar that you say he is then this could be a lie also, or he conned someone else to lie for him.

 

I see all of the pain that the A causes and how all the AP's need to take responsibility, although I rarely ever see the BS taking any resposibility for/if they played a part also.

 

Are you a new BS, if so you are not the victim, but the victor if this guy is as bad as you say he is, and I would get as far away from him as possible

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Men who do that are telling Mommy that yes they got into a fight at recess but actually the other boy punched him first. Grow the eff up and own your actions geez...

 

Its all rubbish. He is the married one and he is the one who broke the vows and the whole thing makes no sense to me whatsoever. There are some but few predatory women involved in affairs. And the percentage of MM who get hit on by predatory OW and have real excuses for blaming the OW for their failure to honor their marriage vows is even smaller

 

Total tosh. How about we were going through a rough patch in our marriage she came along at the right time, the attention ws flattering, I should have dealt with it differently. I should have come to you and said we really need to work on things or I will be vulnerable to an affair.

 

 

Or how about things were so lousy between I didnt know where to begin to make things better and I looked outside the relationship and I am sorry I betrayed you.

 

The rest is a very very clever way of saying its you and me babe. I hate and at the same time feel sorry for that pathetic OW. Youve always been the one for me, you and I are solid as a rock. If it werent for that nasty OW, none of this would have happened. The poster who seems a lovely woman has said she didnt buy that rubbish shoveled at her by her H but of course she did on some level or would not have repeated it. Its positive for the BS only because hte manipulative WS is pitting himself and his wife as a unit agains the OW and thereby (in words despite his prior actions) showing which team he is on. Its a clever way of rebonding in the moment when he should be groveling.

 

Hs who use that routine deserve to have their azzes kicked into next year because if you dont get that it was YOUR fault you cheated you are going to do it again because it comes down to the same thing, unless we are going to "tag" our men, there are women everywhere and going to the train in the morning, going out to the parking lot to get into the car, its all fraught with the possibility that some lovely OW is going to snare the hapless little b*stard again.

 

Give me an effing break. Please....

 

I like Fooled's take on it. What a punk. Any man who isnt man enough to stand up and say it was me and REALLY own it, is a total punk.

 

Noone makes you cheat no matter how lovely, how flattering, how aggressive. And when D day comes if these WSs dont own it and really look at WHY, then all the shoveling of the tosh that they may do in the OWs direction is not going to help them repair their marriages.

 

It may be music to the ears of their spouses. When faced with that kind of devasation and betrayal, hearing something comforting (no matter how much of it is tosh) is bound to be welcome.

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Hi emptypodgal, and welcome to LS!

 

I see you're a new poster and I'd like to say I hope you enjoy your time here and get good feedback whenever you post.

 

You will find many here who will agree to disagree. Your post is your truth as you see it but it isn't mine.

 

I will only blame myself for my pain for getting involved in my A. (I also accept the blame for allowing myself for marrying my exH, but that is another story!).:laugh:

 

But MM pursued me heavily for over a year and a half. He was the one who touched my arm, my leg, my hand and the one who had twinkly eyes, etc. He was the one in pain, etc. He never once said a bad word about his W, and had he done so I would have been turned off because I knew one day he could say those kinds of things about me.

 

And maybe that is why he didn't say he was disgusted with me or blamed me on D-day. I know I don't know everything, but I know what I believe based on the 5 years I've learned to read his face and all the consistencies.

 

 

Me too...home boy chased me for 4 years total...everyone at work called him my puppy dog, he was there everytime I turned around...I was the one running from him saying it was wrong, wrong, wrong...he did have a bad M and is D'ed now....and not because of me...I forced NC....

 

EPG, we all have many things in our lives that we do that we're not proud of... all of us hurt others along the way, most we aren't even aware of...mirrors tend to be a real good thing, they certainly work for me.

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bentnotbroken

Mr. Messy didn't blame OW after d-day. He said from the beginning he is the one who pursued her and for that he received 100% of the blame. She receives 100% of the blame for allowing that pursuit to happen and succumbing to it. I had more than enough proof of who did what. And after discovering their affair, I discovered she wasn't the first(he wasn't hers either). I wasn't married to who I thought I was. He was a cruel man, whom I loved. I never believed he would cheat and he did, no need to give me excuses of who did what and why.

 

That is my situation. I don't know what happens right after d-day for all those who find themselves there, but I don't believe all WS claim the AP was at fault and that they were bewitched by anything.

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