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Falling in love with a work colleague


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Hi all, new to this site and I'm hoping to receive some much needed advice - apologies if this topic's been covered before.

 

I'm in a long term relationship (engaged, mortgage, children). My partner and I are not necessarily the perfect match as we are completely different people, but the bottom line is that I do love her. However, there's a woman whom I work with (have done for the past three years) who I've had feelings for from day one. We are both fond of one another and we've spoken of this in the past. She is recently separated and has grown up children.

 

Over the last few weeks we've both been out after work with the rest of our work colleagues for corporate events and after a few drinks have kissed and spoken of our feelings - I can't stop thinking about her and genuinely love her.

 

I am not at all transient and have never done anything like this before. I have feelings of guilt, but the bottom line is that i want to be with this woman and know it's not based on lust or shallow and fleeting emotions. It would devastate my partner and children (whom are both under ten years old) for me to leave them, but I guess I'm struggling between 'making do' with what I have or going for the relationship with this woman that feels so right.

 

Any advice from people who may have been in a similar situation before, or anyone who can offer advice would be gratefully received, as my mind is so clouded and confused.

 

Thanks in advance, A. Moon.

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Did your relationship with your current SO feel so right in the beginning too? There's a reason why you chose her when you did. What was it?

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Think long and hard before you move forward in ANY way with the new woman.

 

The real question is do you want out of your LTR?

 

If you dont want to leave then DONT start something with this other woman. Auditioning her is not going to give you your answers.

 

Its only going to make you feel guilty, make you a liar and a cheater and if your partner finds out will be FAR more devastating than if you decided the relationship wasnt working.

 

You dont leave because you met someone great. You leave because you dont think the relationship is working its the same as a divorce.

 

There are loads of women out there with whom you COULD be happy, maybe happier. But that is not the the point. Dont use the current partner as a palce holder until you find something better or as a housekeeper and nanny because you have children together.

 

The question is, are you committted to your current partner or not?

 

If not then leave. If so, then leave the OW alone.

 

I appreciate its not an easy question but it is black and white. THe rest is all rationalizations.

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Many thanks for the words of wisdom - gratefully received.

 

sadintexas: the reason I chose my partner in the beginning was for her kindness. A quality she still posses, however, she has lied to me about a few things which has hurt my feelings. But then, I'm not in a position to judge and using this as an excuse would be rather feeble.

 

jj33: I was never just making do with my current partner, neither was I looking or wanting to meet anyone else. My life would be simpler having not ever met this other woman. Over the twelve years I've been with my partner I've never cheated on her, but the feelings I have for this other woman are so strong that I cannot help the way I feel. I guess my partner and I have been growing apart for some years now, which makes my indecision even harder.

 

I shall not be seeing her for a couple of weeks now as we are both away on holiday (not together). I'm hoping this 'space' will give me further time to think. Again, thanks for your thoughts and advice - they have given me food for thought.

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LTRs have their ups and downs and periods of distance as well as closeness. You're going to get out of it what you put in it.

 

The giddiness and lust, etc that you feel with someone new is typically what you feel in any new relationship with someone you have chemistry with. This fades too as it did in your current R. If you work at it, you can keep it more alive. When you add the thrill of the A dynamic where this feeling is kept alive longer due to the circumstances, it's natural to think that this A is special and very unlike anything else. It's not.

 

If your current R is not what you want long term, then leave it. Don't leave it because you think you have these phenomenal feelings for someone else. Do it in the right order. Leave first, get your life back together, then seek a new partner. To do it any other way complicates things enormously.

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You dont leave because you met someone great. You leave because you dont think the relationship is working its the same as a divorce.

 

THIS. Unless and until you are ready to leave your gf and move out, stay away from this other woman.

 

Do anything else and not only will you screw up your relationship with your gf by constantly lying to her and cheating on her and destroying what is there between you, you will also screw up your relationship with the woman at work since you'll be, essentially, showing her that she's good enough to f*ck, but not good enough to BE with free and clear.

 

And consider how your kids will be affected by a dad who is constantly lying to their mother and to them, even if they have no idea. It's not like you can have an affair and NO ONE is the least bit affected by it. Is that what you want to teach them about love relationships? That you can just be selfish and do what you want without regard to anyone else's feelings or long term consequences? That cheating is a-ok as long as you get what you want?

 

She's not done with her marriage either. Separated is not divorced. Unless they've filed and are living separate lives, AND she has emotionally processed the end of her marriage, she's not even available for YOU to be with anyway.

Edited by norajane
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Amoon I feel for you I do. THIS is how devastating affairs start.

 

As Sad said so well, LTRs have ups and downs. While you are in a down, you meet someone great. You remember what it was like to be in love. You never thought you would feel that.

 

But deep down doesnt everyone WISH deep in their heart that they could have that with their partner?

 

How much easier would life be if you felt about your partner, the way you feel about this woman.

 

Use this as a wake up call. Sit down with your partner. Tell her you feel you are growing apart and it scares you and you dont want that to happen.

 

Take the opportunity to fix what needs fixing. THe other alternative is dire. If you fall in love with someone else and dont leave, you will be in purgatory regardless of whether you cheat.

 

Nip it in the bud now, try to fix your relationship. If you cant, then you have your answer

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Thank you all so very much for your thoughts and advice - it's been really helpful. I shall speak to my partner about how our relationship has drifted apart and how we could possibly rectify it - I shall also talk to her about the feelings I've developed for this other woman, after all, if things are to be resolved honesty is undoubtedly the best policy.

 

I think I lost sight of what's important to me; my children mean more to me than anyone or anything and should always be placed first.

 

I guess I have been rather selfish, but the feelings I have for this other woman are genuine and strong... love sucks!

 

Thanks again.

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