Omg what a mess!!

[Notimpressed]

So I met my MM a few months ago through some mutuial friends. I was instantly attracted to him. I had no idea he was married no wedding ring, no mention of a wife and he was openly flirting with me. I gave him my number and the next day I received my first text. That was the text that started this whole mess.

 

We texted the whole day. Finally I asked him if he was married. he responded by saying " I would never lie to you, I am". As my heart sunk and I knew I should end it there. I got some sick thrill out of it and continued to text him through the night.

 

Soon after that we would start meeting up during the day. Clearing our schedules for lunch dates, and late night rendezvous.

 

Something has happened, the thrill is gone and now we have fallen in live with each other. Major problem he is obviously married with two young kids, and a very public career. So I have not only gotten myself in someones family. I have putten both our repuations in jepordy. He tells me he loves me and I truly believe that he does. He does things for me, that no man has ever.

 

He tells me that his marriage is cold, and I know it is. I have asked around. He also tells me that he wants only me. Yet I am not stupid. I know that is reputation is very important to his success and that I very highly doubt when push comes to shove he would risk that all for me.

 

I want to believe him when he tells me that he just needs time.... Blah blah same MM story. But I know that I have gotten into a situation that I wasn't prepared for.

 

Now I love him, I want him, and have no interest in anyone else.

 

Please help. (sorry for the long post)

Edited August 14, 2010 by Notimpressed

[pureinheart]

Welcome to LS...Hey all I can say is hang in there as I know your heart and head are in great conflict...I don't have any profound advice to give, and because I know how it is, so will just say this, and it's only my opinion...try to let go of him, I know you care and he cares too, although I sense you are not good at sharing as I am not either...if you were willing to maintain this current sitch the way it is now, well then I would just send hugs...you got my thoughts and prayers:)

[YellowShark]

So I met my MM a few months ago through some mutuial friends. I was instantly attracted to him. I had no idea he was married no wedding ring, no mention of a wife and he was openly flirting with me.

 

This kind of man is toxic because what do you think will happen when he's finally "with you" and meets the next woman?

 

Finally I asked him if he was married. he responded by saying " I would never lie to you, I am". As my heart sunk and I knew I should end it there.

 

Yup. You both need to respect the boundaries of his marriage vows.

 

Soon after that we would start meeting up during the day. Clearing our schedules for lunch dates, and late night rendezvous.

 

Put yourself in his wife's position and think how she would feel knowing this.

 

I have putten both our repuations in jepordy. He tells me he loves me and I truly believe that he does. He does things for me, that no man has ever.

 

Actually "he" has put both your repuations in jeopardy. And aren't there any single men that you've met than can do what this man does for you?

 

He tells me that his marriage is cold, and I know it is. I have asked around. He also tells me that he wants only me. Yet I am not stupid. I know that is reputation is very important to his success and that I very highly doubt when push comes to shove he would risk that all for me.

 

He will burn you, you are correct.

 

I want to believe him when he tells me that he just needs time.... Blah blah same MM story. But I know that I have gotten into a situation that I wasn't prepared for.

 

Yup. It's the same old MM story... "my marriage is a sham, I will leave her for you... let's have sex and please wait for me while I string you along."

 

Now I love him, I want him, and have no interest in anyone else.

 

Can you really love and make yourself vulnerable to a man who cheats on his wife? Because that is a pretty big red flag in the trust department. And trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship.

 

All I am saying is you really need to evaluate the future of opening yourself up to a whole big messy can of worms.. before you get really hurt.

[siuys]

You're in for a long, hard, bumpy roller coaster ride. I've been through this the last few months. My MM even moved out for me, only to go back to his wife. Yes, we love each other bla bla bla heard all that before. More cynical than ever now. Even if he does love you, most married men don't leave. Even if you don't consider his family, consider yourself. Only until he has actually done something concrete to be with you, i.e. filed for divorce, stay away. Cut your losses and run.

[Ellin]

So I met my MM a few months ago through some mutuial friends. I was instantly attracted to him. I had no idea he was married no wedding ring, no mention of a wife and he was openly flirting with me. I gave him my number and the next day I received my first text. That was the text that started this whole mess.

 

We texted the whole day. Finally I asked him if he was married. he responded by saying " I would never lie to you, I am". As my heart sunk and I knew I should end it there. I got some sick thrill out of it and continued to text him through the night.

 

Soon after that we would start meeting up during the day. Clearing our schedules for lunch dates, and late night rendezvous.

I normally have great sympathy for OW who never wanted to be in A but found themselves in one through not knowing the whole truth or being overwhelmed by emotions that sneaked into their hearts over time etc., but the way you described the beginning of your A is a bit different. You were very attracted to him but you'd only just met him and you found out he was married on the second day.

 

You could have easily chosen not to carry on with it because you couldn't have been in love at that point, but you didn't, what's more you say you got a thrill out of the fact the another woman's H fancied you. I don't judge people, especially if they honestly admit to a mistake, but I cannot identify or sympathise with that. Perhaps it made you feel valuable and beautiful that an attractive man placed you higher than the woman he'd married.

 

Maybe you felt excused because he was the one who approached you. Maybe it's all true that his M is cold and that's why he was looking out for "love", but having an A is not a real solution here as it will only cause a lot of pain on all sides.

 

Another thing is that the attraction felt by two people in A might not still be there if they could actually live together, however hard it is to imagine while having those strong feelings. It seems to me that it's all based on a fantasy, but then again I don't know all the details and I might be wrong.

 

Sometimes the feelings of love are real and genuine and these things do work out, but it's rare and there's a lot against you.

 

You don't sound as if you are in so much pain as OW often are, so perhaps it wouldn't be so hard for you to disengage from this and move on to a more healthy situation, if you decided to?

[jj33]

The problem is your sick thrill that you got out of the fact that he is married. Thats never a good sign. Are you in counselling? If not you need to get a good counsellor and figure out why you would get a thrill out of having a married man hit on you.

 

The answer seems pretty obvious. hes a high profile public figure and you were flattered and you have self esteem issues and the Im unworthy part of you said look at this a highly respected public figure who is married to someone else wants ME.

 

If you have read the board you know how this is likely to go. The man is a player. Hes married and he openly flirted with you and texted you etc. He said he was married and you said, no problem. So he laid it all out from day one.

 

Are there exceptions? Sure there are. But the odds of him being one of the exceptions sound very low.

 

So you have a choice. Stay for the ride and waste a few years of your life (or a few more months depending) watch your self esteem plummet, waste days and nights and tears on someone who you are unlikely to ever have more than rendez vous with or get out now.

 

Getting out isnt easy. Its a question of delayed gratiification. It will hurt like h*ll to stop seeing him but you will start the healing process now instead of later. Or you can stay wait hope that you will be one of the exceptions and fantasize about a future and then start the healing.

 

Im not saying it never works out but this doesnt sound promising.

 

The other thing is if you are one of the exceptions, will you feel the same while he is going through a nasty divorce, his reputation is scarred, their friends dislike you, his family dislikes you?

 

You have to be REALLy in love with him for this to be anything more than it is right now.

[fooled once]

So I met my MM a few months ago through some mutuial friends. I was instantly attracted to him. I had no idea he was married no wedding ring, no mention of a wife and he was openly flirting with me. I gave him my number and the next day I received my first text. That was the text that started this whole mess.

 

We texted the whole day. Finally I asked him if he was married. he responded by saying " I would never lie to you, I am". As my heart sunk and I knew I should end it there. I got some sick thrill out of it and continued to text him through the night.

 

Soon after that we would start meeting up during the day. Clearing our schedules for lunch dates, and late night rendezvous.

 

Something has happened, the thrill is gone and now we have fallen in live with each other. Major problem he is obviously married with two young kids, and a very public career. So I have not only gotten myself in someones family. I have putten both our repuations in jepordy. He tells me he loves me and I truly believe that he does. He does things for me, that no man has ever.

 

He tells me that his marriage is cold, and I know it is. I have asked around. He also tells me that he wants only me. Yet I am not stupid. I know that is reputation is very important to his success and that I very highly doubt when push comes to shove he would risk that all for me.

 

I want to believe him when he tells me that he just needs time.... Blah blah same MM story. But I know that I have gotten into a situation that I wasn't prepared for.

 

Now I love him, I want him, and have no interest in anyone else.

 

Please help. (sorry for the long post)

 

Help with what? You openly admitted the fact that he was married was a thrill for you -- basically an ego boost for you. You have asked around about his marriage? Did you ask his wife? Because she is the one who can give you more of a truthful answer to the status of THEIR marriage. Do you think because people told you his marriage is "cold" that it means it is okay for you to sleep with him? I know you are enjoying the sneaking around, the excitement of not getting caught, but really? Will you be enjoying it when he and his wife go on vacation? Will you be enjoying it when they are at home on Christmas eve, with candles, wine and the lit tree in the background while they wrap gifts for their kids, laughing and sharing intimate moments? How about when he has sex with his wife with only the glow of the Christmas tree around them? What about on New Years Eve, when they are at a party, decked out in classy clothes, celebrating the start of a new year together, kissing at midnight and then going home and ripping their clothes off each other? Oh wait...did he tell you they don't have sex anymore? Yeah... again, ask his wife

 

You two aren't in love ... you are in lust. You are giddy with excitement of having this married guy texting you, calling you, asking if he can come over for 30 minutes so he can have sex with you.

 

He has a wife and 2 small children. Do you think he is leaving for you? Do you think he hasn't done this act before? Man men in the public profile have young women lusting after them -- a huge ego feed for them. Look at Bill Clinton (ugly old coot that he is) ... had numerous affairs. But he is still with Hilary (and who wouldn't think they have a COLD marriage). He has had numerous opportunities to leave her, but he stays.

 

Time to grow up and realize this isn't the love affair you hope it is. This is a guy getting his jollies with a younger girl who is hot for him. New hot exciting sex. How exciting would it be for you to do his laundry, with his stinky underwear? How exciting would it be for you to have to clean the toilet after he made a mess of it? You are seeing one side of him, a very limited side. Maybe he is angry and abusive to his wife behind closed doors? Maybe he is a domineering jerk to her? Maybe he is such a pig behind closed doors that the thought of having sex with him makes her want to vomit? Again, if you want to know the state of their marriage, sit them down together and ask

 

The problem is your sick thrill that you got out of the fact that he is married. Thats never a good sign. Are you in counselling? If not you need to get a good counsellor and figure out why you would get a thrill out of having a married man hit on you.

 

The answer seems pretty obvious. hes a high profile public figure and you were flattered and you have self esteem issues and the Im unworthy part of you said look at this a highly respected public figure who is married to someone else wants ME.

 

If you have read the board you know how this is likely to go. The man is a player. Hes married and he openly flirted with you and texted you etc. He said he was married and you said, no problem. So he laid it all out from day one.

 

Are there exceptions? Sure there are. But the odds of him being one of the exceptions sound very low.

 

So you have a choice. Stay for the ride and waste a few years of your life (or a few more months depending) watch your self esteem plummet, waste days and nights and tears on someone who you are unlikely to ever have more than rendez vous with or get out now.

 

Getting out isnt easy. Its a question of delayed gratiification. It will hurt like h*ll to stop seeing him but you will start the healing process now instead of later. Or you can stay wait hope that you will be one of the exceptions and fantasize about a future and then start the healing.

 

Im not saying it never works out but this doesnt sound promising.

 

The other thing is if you are one of the exceptions, will you feel the same while he is going through a nasty divorce, his reputation is scarred, their friends dislike you, his family dislikes you?

 

You have to be REALLy in love with him for this to be anything more than it is right now.

 

Great post JJ!

[FinallyFree2010]

You two aren't in love ... you are in lust. You are giddy with excitement of having this married guy texting you, calling you, asking if he can come over for 30 minutes so he can have sex with you.

 

How do you know this, fooled once??? Are you in this OP's shoes??? Do you know the whole story? What gives you the right to make that judgment???

 

What happened to 'being kind' to posters here?

 

BTW, and this is a slight diversion... I was admonished last night for not 'being kind' to posters. Unrelated, I am now using a different ID because I was put on restriction for having my email address in my profile. Even though that is not listed as being against the rules.... I checked before doing it. And even though I never had a chance to correct it (got a message saying I was 'restricted' until "I remove my email address from my profile" but duh... how can I do that if I can't log on???) Mickey Mouse nonsense, I should have been given a notice; I am not impressed by the administration at this site at all. I'm sure this post will be removed in no time by them and I will be banned, as it would make the site look bad to leave this truth.

 

Anyway, on to the topic....

 

Time to grow up and realize this isn't the love affair you hope it is. This is a guy getting his jollies with a younger girl who is hot for him. New hot exciting sex.

 

Maybe, but maybe not. Shall we give her the benefit of the doubt? I believe what she says. Because it's what she is saying. Shall we not 'judge'?

 

OP, I feel for your pain. It's a tough spot to be in. I don't know enough about your situation to give much more comment, but I'm sorry.

 

I too do not like it much that you knew what was going on, going into this. I can accept that you fell in love after some time, and people do make mistakes. He has a history of cheating and lying. Will you ever be able to trust him? Probably not.

 

You did go into this with your eyes wide open. Remember that. You will need to remember that as you go on. You WILL get over this.