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She loves me and I love her. But she's married


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Old 7th August 2010, 12:40 AM   #1
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She loves me and I love her. But she's married

I'll try to make this as short as possible...

I moved into my first apartment in college 6 years ago and met the most beautiful and intelligent woman I've ever seen. She lived above me. I found out early on that she had a serious boyfriend and yet we still began to talk and hang out every once in a while, eventually becoming intimate on several occasions. We both tried to pretend that it was probably just empty sexual lust, but something kept telling me I loved her. Finally one day I told her. She told me she thought she loved me as well but was so deep into her relationship/soon-to-be engagement that she just couldn't leave.

Fast foward SIX YEARS. I got engaged in January 2010 but soon realized that the connection I had with my fiancee was good, but not strong enough to sustain a lifetime commitment. One day I decided to look up my dream girl on Facebook. I found her, added her, and within hours we were exchanging messages. FB messages turned to text messages. Text messages turned into her asking me to call her because she wanted to hear my voice.

From the moment I saw her pictures and talked to her, I knew that I truly love this woman and that the connection I was missing was completely present. She also feels the same way. She's Content with her husband but she's basically just going through the motions. She's even fantasized about me during sex to enjoy it more. I've broken off my engagement and we plan to see each other next weekend.

She wants to get a divorce but is scared of the repercussions of her young son and how it will affect him. I totally understand but we both want to be with each other and I know for a fact that we would be happy together. How do I convince her without coming off insensitive to her child?
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Old 7th August 2010, 12:44 AM   #2
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I'll try to make this as short as possible...

I moved into my first apartment in college 6 years ago and met the most beautiful and intelligent woman I've ever seen. She lived above me. I found out early on that she had a serious boyfriend and yet we still began to talk and hang out every once in a while, eventually becoming intimate on several occasions. We both tried to pretend that it was probably just empty sexual lust, but something kept telling me I loved her. Finally one day I told her. She told me she thought she loved me as well but was so deep into her relationship/soon-to-be engagement that she just couldn't leave.

Fast foward SIX YEARS. I got engaged in January 2010 but soon realized that the connection I had with my fiancee was good, but not strong enough to sustain a lifetime commitment. One day I decided to look up my dream girl on Facebook. I found her, added her, and within hours we were exchanging messages. FB messages turned to text messages. Text messages turned into her asking me to call her because she wanted to hear my voice.

From the moment I saw her pictures and talked to her, I knew that I truly love this woman and that the connection I was missing was completely present. She also feels the same way. She's Content with her husband but she's basically just going through the motions. She's even fantasized about me during sex to enjoy it more. I've broken off my engagement and we plan to see each other next weekend.

She wants to get a divorce but is scared of the repercussions of her young son and how it will affect him. I totally understand but we both want to be with each other and I know for a fact that we would be happy together. How do I convince her without coming off insensitive to her child?

Really? Where did you purchase your crystal ball...I want one. You can't convince a grown person that you would be better for her or her child. Her husband might be able to convince her though.
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Old 7th August 2010, 12:54 AM   #3
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i feel sorry for her husband. she should be honest with him about how she feels.

see her - when her divorce is FINAL. you will save yourself so much heartache if you wait.

proper order makes everything less complicated.
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:01 AM   #4
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2sunny - I feel sorry for him too. He's taken her for granted for years and it's finally catching up to him.

Finally_Free - I didn't break off engagement for her. I broke it off because I know it wouldn't have lasted so it was better to end it before it got too far. As far as her never leaving, you have a 50% chance of being right and a 50% chance of being wrong. I could see if divorce in America wasn't a pretty common thing.

She's already called me out the blue multiple times crying about different things she's thought about that would happen with a divorce. She's also went as far as to find out about the divorce process and costs. By no means am I naive but you're way off on this one.
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:03 AM   #5
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Really? Where did you purchase your crystal ball...I want one. You can't convince a grown person that you would be better for her or her child. Her husband might be able to convince her though.
I should have been more clear. I was just looking for advice to give a person that wants to get a divorce but is having a hard time finding the strength to bring it up. I never said I would be better. She did.
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:07 AM   #6
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2sunny - I feel sorry for him too. He's taken her for granted for years and it's finally catching up to him.

Finally_Free - I didn't break off engagement for her. I broke it off because I know it wouldn't have lasted so it was better to end it before it got too far. As far as her never leaving, you have a 50% chance of being right and a 50% chance of being wrong. I could see if divorce in America wasn't a pretty common thing.

She's already called me out the blue multiple times crying about different things she's thought about that would happen with a divorce. She's also went as far as to find out about the divorce process and costs. By no means am I naive but you're way off on this one.
she will tell you what she WANTS you to hear... that's not necessarily the truth. if she never ends up divorced you will suffer immense pain from the disappointment.

you've waited this long to see her - why not wait long enough for her to divorce if she really loves you and intends to be with you? it will show you if she TRULY intends to be with you - or if she just intends to mislead you.

i'd wait = divorce needs to be final! tell her... see what she says...
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:07 AM   #7
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I should have been more clear. I was just looking for advice to give a person that wants to get a divorce but is having a hard time finding the strength to bring it up. I never said I would be better. She did.

No you didn't say better, it's one of the many scenerios of lying while cheating, nothing special there. You said you knew for a fact you two would be happy together...I asked where you got your crystal ball.
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:10 AM   #8
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I should have been more clear. I was just looking for advice to give a person that wants to get a divorce but is having a hard time finding the strength to bring it up. I never said I would be better. She did.
of course she's not bringing it up - she doesn't intend to divorce. she only intends to use you for her pleasure while she stays married. is that good enough for you? can you keep your heart unattached so you don't get hurt?
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:14 AM   #9
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I see the pessimists and lovers scorned are crawling the boards tonight. Thanks for your help folks!
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:24 AM   #10
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I see the pessimists and lovers scorned are crawling the boards tonight. Thanks for your help folks!

You're welcome.
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:25 AM   #11
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your welcome. i find i am more of a realist than anything. maybe you're not liking what reality actually looks like when someone points out the obvious.
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:26 AM   #12
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Your stats are way off re: divorce. Often times people engaged in affairs divorce less often than others. The longer she stays the less likely she will leave. I also tend to think that the longer you stay involved, the less likely she will leave, because you will be enabling the very thing that you don't want. (her to stay) People get divorced every day with children, she can manage it to.

As for your disappointment with LS and your responses. Get real........voices of experience here and do you want a fake rosy picture or do you want us to blow smoke up your azz?
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:33 AM   #13
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You may really have a connection with her- you know how you feel. Ask her if she would file for divorce before you get physical again. If she tells you, blah blah why she can't, walk away. You want to be picked as number one. If she does not pick you now she never will.
I am involved with a terminally separated man, always future plans but nothing anytime soon. Do you want to spend Christmas alone? While she sits at her tree with her family, yet she can't leave for you?
Tell her you are seriously talking, get a divorce and I can see us living ever after.
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:37 AM   #14
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if she is the love of your life - and you are hers, it's worth waiting a little longer and having your self respect.

you've waited this long - what's wrong with waiting a little longer now?
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Old 7th August 2010, 1:41 AM   #15
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She wants to get a divorce but is scared of the repercussions of her young son and how it will affect him.
This is why she won't be leaving any time too soon, hon.

Most people in affairs SAY they want to leave, BUT... BUT... BUT...

The kids, the finances, the health of the spouse, the pre-planned vacation, etc.

There is always a but, and the AP likes to minimize the but, BUT - lol, the but is the exact reason the MP stays tethered.

She has already told you why she won't be divorcing her husband. I definitely suggest you listen to it...

As the others said, before you entrench yourself in an affair, set some boundaries, and tell her you won't see her until she's gotten herself clear.
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