Complex Situation

[Chani]

I need some advice about my current situation as I am filled with regret for the decisions I have made.

 

About three years ago, I started an affair with a co-worker. We were both married but continued to see each other over the three year period. He was 20 years older than me but I did not care, he was very attractive and we had a stong connection. We both admitted that we loved our spouses and that our affair was a bit of a sexual kick and this set the boundaries of our affair.

 

Last year, things changed. His wife contracted cancer and we temporarily ended the affair as he had to concentrate on helping her through the illness. I had also been trying to have children with my husband, unsucesessfully, and we were going through initial fertility treatment which did not work. It was a highly emotional time, and these circumstances seemed to draw us to each other. The affair become more emotional, but we still did not consider leaving our spouses. We seemed to help each other cope with our problems by continuing to see each other.

 

Towards the end of his wifes treatment and at the end of my unsucessful fertility treatment, our affair had reignited. We both felt extremely guilty but now in addition to the sexual attraction, the emotional bond was deepening. But still we kept within our boundaries, not considering the possibility of leaving our spouses for each other. He had 3 grown up children, the oldest of which was a few months older then me. This complicated matters further. He also had a vasectomy so he could not father a child with me.

 

As his wife recovered, our workplace closed and we lost our jobs. He got another job in the local area and I was offered a job overseas. It was an opportunity of a lifetime and a high salary. I knew if I moved overseas this would be the end of us. He told me that it was a great opportunity and that we were only a sideshow and not to let our affair influence my decision. My husband wanted me to take the job so I accepted and moved away. My husband had no knowledge of the affair.

 

Now I am living overseas and regretting my move everyday. I feel isolated within my marriage and miss terribly my lover. An affair for three years is not just a sexual kick anymore. I stayed in contact with my lover over email and recently we chatted online. During the conversation he said how much he missed me and that as time went on thoughout the three years his feelings had become more intense. I asked him if he had wanted me to stay and he replied that he did not want to influence my decision before I left but he did not want me to go. Our conversation turned strange at this point, and he mentioned for the the first time about us being a couple, which was unusual.

 

I have planned to meet him in a couple of months when I return home to visit and we have agreed to dicsuss things in more detail. But in the meantime my head is all over the place. I love my husband who gave up his job to follow me overseas, I couldn't hurt him. But I feel so intensly for my lover, I can't get this conversation out of my head. I get the impression my lover feels much for me and that not having our secret relationship anymore is hurting us both.

 

What should I do, see my lover again to discuss this in more detail? Or try to get on with my new life and reinvest in my marriage which has been difficult recently? I wake up everyday with constant regret for the decision I made to move away.

 

Any advice folks? This is what is hard about being a grown up!

[BB07]

least 10 characters.

 

I need some advice about my current situation as I am filled with regret for the decisions I have made.

 

About three years ago, I started an affair with a co-worker. We were both married but continued to see each other over the three year period. He was 20 years older than me but I did not care, he was very attractive and we had a stong connection. We both admitted that we loved our spouses and that our affair was a bit of a sexual kick and this set the boundaries of our affair.

 

Last year, things changed. His wife contracted cancer and we temporarily ended the affair as he had to concentrate on helping her through the illness. I had also been trying to have children with my husband, unsucesessfully, and we were going through initial fertility treatment which did not work. It was a highly emotional time, and these circumstances seemed to draw us to each other. The affair become more emotional, but we still did not consider leaving our spouses. We seemed to help each other cope with our problems by continuing to see each other.

 

 

Towards the end of his wifes treatment and at the end of my unsucessful fertility treatment, our affair had reignited. We both felt extremely guilty but now in addition to the sexual attraction, the emotional bond was deepening. But still we kept within our boundaries, not considering the possibility of leaving our spouses for each other. He had 3 grown up children, the oldest of which was a few months older then me. This complicated matters further. He also had a vasectomy so he could not father a child with me.

 

As his wife recovered, our workplace closed and we lost our jobs. He got another job in the local area and I was offered a job overseas. It was an opportunity of a lifetime and a high salary. I knew if I moved overseas this would be the end of us. He told me that it was a great opportunity and that we were only a sideshow and not to let our affair influence my decision. My husband wanted me to take the job so I accepted and moved away. My husband had no knowledge of the affair.

 

Now I am living overseas and regretting my move everyday. I feel isolated within my marriage and miss terribly my lover. An affair for three years is not just a sexual kick anymore. I stayed in contact with my lover over email and recently we chatted online. During the conversation he said how much he missed me and that as time went on thoughout the three years his feelings had become more intense. I asked him if he had wanted me to stay and he replied that he did not want to influence my decision before I left but he did not want me to go. Our conversation turned strange at this point, and he mentioned for the the first time about us being a couple, which was unusual.

 

I have planned to meet him in a couple of months when I return home to visit and we have agreed to dicsuss things in more detail. But in the meantime my head is all over the place. I love my husband who gave up his job to follow me overseas, I couldn't hurt him. But I feel so intensly for my lover, I can't get this conversation out of my head. I get the impression my lover feels much for me and that not having our secret relationship anymore is hurting us both.

 

You've already hurt your husband and you've taken much away from him. He gave up a lot for you, but yet you've only took from him. See anything wrong with this scenario? It paints you as being very selfish and unloving.

 

What should I do, see my lover again to discuss this in more detail? Or try to get on with my new life and reinvest in my marriage which has been difficult recently? I wake up everyday with constant regret for the decision I made to move away.

 

It's clear that your interest lies with your lover, not your husband, so I'd suggest cutting him loose. If you are looking for affirmation that your lover will leave his wife, hang around a bit and read some of the stories around here. You will see that it's highly unlikely, irregardless of his feelings for you. I'm assuming that he has been married for a long time and he has a well established life with his family. And that isn't even mentioning that his wife had cancer so that makes it even that much more unlikely. There isn't any other way to say it, but you are indulging in a fantasy in that he would leave for you. Him saying his feelings had become more intense for you.....that's nothing but a good line to hook you in and feed his ego.

 

You really need to step away from him and take a good hard look at your own life and decide what you want because it's a pipe dream to think that you might have a future with this man, well anything other than being on the side.

 

Do you want your marriage? Do you think you love your husband? These are the important questions that you should be concentrating on, not a fantasy that's most likely only in your head.

 

Any advice folks? This is what is hard about being a grown up!

[lkjh]

I really hope when I get married my wifes definition of love is different from yours

[Mombot]

I can understand the A. You feel compelled to see him, so you probably will.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You didnt love your husband, and he didnt love his wife for the three year affair lets be real.

 

I bthink your husband would be better off having kids with someone else.

 

You and your husband are having problems conceving children, so your answer is to screw the OM, some more. Huh? wTF kinda backwards azz logic is that?

[cavedweller]

Chani,

 

A couple of things:

 

1..You are living a pipe dream, because, he will not leave his wife for you.

 

2..He will tell you anything (you want to hear) just to get in your pants.

 

Wake up, he is just some old dude with kids older than you...Good Lord.

[alexandria35]

Your lover will not leave his wife for you. Maybe he thinks he will because the distance has caused him to romanticize your relationship even more but when push comes to shove he will not pick you.

 

You don't really love your husband. If you did you would think he deserves to be loved as much as you love your MM and you would let him go.

[bestplayer]

I need some advice about my current situation as I am filled with regret for the decisions I have made.

 

About three years ago, I started an affair with a co-worker. We were both married but continued to see each other over the three year period. He was 20 years older than me but I did not care, he was very attractive and we had a stong connection. We both admitted that we loved our spouses and that our affair was a bit of a sexual kick and this set the boundaries of our affair.

 

Last year, things changed. His wife contracted cancer and we temporarily ended the affair as he had to concentrate on helping her through the illness. I had also been trying to have children with my husband, unsucesessfully, and we were going through initial fertility treatment which did not work. It was a highly emotional time, and these circumstances seemed to draw us to each other. The affair become more emotional, but we still did not consider leaving our spouses. We seemed to help each other cope with our problems by continuing to see each other.

 

Towards the end of his wifes treatment and at the end of my unsucessful fertility treatment, our affair had reignited. We both felt extremely guilty but now in addition to the sexual attraction, the emotional bond was deepening. But still we kept within our boundaries, not considering the possibility of leaving our spouses for each other. He had 3 grown up children, the oldest of which was a few months older then me. This complicated matters further. He also had a vasectomy so he could not father a child with me.

 

As his wife recovered, our workplace closed and we lost our jobs. He got another job in the local area and I was offered a job overseas. It was an opportunity of a lifetime and a high salary. I knew if I moved overseas this would be the end of us. He told me that it was a great opportunity and that we were only a sideshow and not to let our affair influence my decision. My husband wanted me to take the job so I accepted and moved away. My husband had no knowledge of the affair.

 

Now I am living overseas and regretting my move everyday. I feel isolated within my marriage and miss terribly my lover. An affair for three years is not just a sexual kick anymore. I stayed in contact with my lover over email and recently we chatted online. During the conversation he said how much he missed me and that as time went on thoughout the three years his feelings had become more intense. I asked him if he had wanted me to stay and he replied that he did not want to influence my decision before I left but he did not want me to go. Our conversation turned strange at this point, and he mentioned for the the first time about us being a couple, which was unusual.

 

I have planned to meet him in a couple of months when I return home to visit and we have agreed to dicsuss things in more detail. But in the meantime my head is all over the place. I love my husband who gave up his job to follow me overseas, I couldn't hurt him. But I feel so intensly for my lover, I can't get this conversation out of my head. I get the impression my lover feels much for me and that not having our secret relationship anymore is hurting us both.

 

What should I do, see my lover again to discuss this in more detail? Or try to get on with my new life and reinvest in my marriage which has been difficult recently? I wake up everyday with constant regret for the decision I made to move away.

 

Any advice folks? This is what is hard about being a grown up!

 

i just have one question

are you coming back on this thread to respond ?

[cavedweller]

bestplayer,

 

You have a point..

 

She got sucked into an affair by a player and charmer who is 20 years older than her..

 

He played her like a fiddle...

 

I bet he thought.."This is like taking candy from a baby." (he slid right in there and got some of that candy and then went back home to his wife with a big smile on his face)

[Chani]

In the cold light of day I see your points. However I must emphasise that my relationship with my husband, however strained recently, was in most a happy and content one before the affair. I still love him deeply and in the cold light of today could not imaging being without him.

 

I think my story may have not have emphaised the good points of my marriiage, it is valuable to me and I want to try to get it back on track.

 

I don't think I have been played, I was a willing participant and I ended the affair on several occasions. I was always in control and never felt that I was the one being taken advantage of. I am a stronger person that many of you may have thought. Not all affairs with younger women and older men are because the man is a player and the woman is naeive. The balance of power was certainly not held by him. I set the boundaries at the start of the affair and now he is starting to question them.

 

I shall take your comments on board, I feel today that it is time to cut contact with MM and reinvest in my marriage. I am going to get back to be a faithful and devoted wife.

 

As for the comment from ikjh about his future wifes definition of love ... have you ever lived through a situation where you feel torn with loyalities to two parties? Have you ever desired and cared for two people at once? It is clear to me that my emotional life is far more complex than yours and you could never understand what I have experienced. Life is not that simple ... maybe you will understand that one day.

[BB07]

In the cold light of day I see your points. However I must emphasise that my relationship with my husband, however strained recently, was in most a happy and content one before the affair. I still love him deeply and in the cold light of today could not imaging being without him.

 

I think my story may have not have emphaised the good points of my marriiage, it is valuable to me and I want to try to get it back on track.

 

I don't think I have been played, I was a willing participant and I ended the affair on several occasions. I was always in control and never felt that I was the one being taken advantage of. I am a stronger person that many of you may have thought. Not all affairs with younger women and older men are because the man is a player and the woman is naeive. The balance of power was certainly not held by him. I set the boundaries at the start of the affair and now he is starting to question them.

 

I shall take your comments on board, I feel today that it is time to cut contact with MM and reinvest in my marriage. I am going to get back to be a faithful and devoted wife.

 

As for the comment from ikjh about his future wifes definition of love ... have you ever lived through a situation where you feel torn with loyalities to two parties? Have you ever desired and cared for two people at once? It is clear to me that my emotional life is far more complex than yours and you could never understand what I have experienced. Life is not that simple ... maybe you will understand that one day.

 

Chani, you didn't post asking questions about your marriage, it was questions about your affair. I see why you got defensive about it, and you even said that it's a complex situation. Yes it is.....affairs are. Is that what you want for yourself, a complex situation, where you have feelings for two men? Two men, two relationships, don't you see that you can't give either relationship what it deserves. I think one reason I came down hard on you and others too, is because you were talking about having a baby with your husband while you were in the middle of an affair. I DON'T get that at all! Why in the hell would you want to bring a child into a marriage that obviously has issues or maybe it's you that has the issues? That just doesn't show good judgement on your part, don't you agree?

 

As for your AP questioning the boundaries that you say you set, I don't think so. I think he sees that you have an emotional attachment now and he wants to know how far he can push it with you. The thing you need to understand is he has no desire to upset his present situation, but he'd like to keep having what you give him on the side. Is that what you want, just to be a side dish? Don't you deserve better than that? Doesn't your husband deserve better than that?

 

You need to get it together and make some adult decisions about your life. Stop playing games that you can't win. Affairs have no winners!

 

Good luck!

[bestplayer]

In the cold light of day I see your points. However I must emphasise that my relationship with my husband, however strained recently, was in most a happy and content one before the affair. I still love him deeply and in the cold light of today could not imaging being without him.

 

I think my story may have not have emphaised the good points of my marriiage, it is valuable to me and I want to try to get it back on track.

 

I don't think I have been played, I was a willing participant and I ended the affair on several occasions. I was always in control and never felt that I was the one being taken advantage of. I am a stronger person that many of you may have thought. Not all affairs with younger women and older men are because the man is a player and the woman is naeive. The balance of power was certainly not held by him. I set the boundaries at the start of the affair and now he is starting to question them.

 

I shall take your comments on board, I feel today that it is time to cut contact with MM and reinvest in my marriage. I am going to get back to be a faithful and devoted wife.

 

As for the comment from ikjh about his future wifes definition of love ... have you ever lived through a situation where you feel torn with loyalities to two parties? Have you ever desired and cared for two people at once? It is clear to me that my emotional life is far more complex than yours and you could never understand what I have experienced. Life is not that simple ... maybe you will understand that one day.

 

Best of luck Chani , It seems you would be much happier with your husband if both of you are committed to work on your marriage .

[lkjh]

In the cold light of day I see your points. However I must emphasise that my relationship with my husband, however strained recently, was in most a happy and content one before the affair. I still love him deeply and in the cold light of today could not imaging being without him.

 

I think my story may have not have emphaised the good points of my marriiage, it is valuable to me and I want to try to get it back on track.

 

I don't think I have been played, I was a willing participant and I ended the affair on several occasions. I was always in control and never felt that I was the one being taken advantage of. I am a stronger person that many of you may have thought. Not all affairs with younger women and older men are because the man is a player and the woman is naeive. The balance of power was certainly not held by him. I set the boundaries at the start of the affair and now he is starting to question them.

 

I shall take your comments on board, I feel today that it is time to cut contact with MM and reinvest in my marriage. I am going to get back to be a faithful and devoted wife.

 

As for the comment from ikjh about his future wifes definition of love ... have you ever lived through a situation where you feel torn with loyalities to two parties? Have you ever desired and cared for two people at once? It is clear to me that my emotional life is far more complex than yours and you could never understand what I have experienced. Life is not that simple ... maybe you will understand that one day.

 

 

There is nothing really complex or special about being selfish. You didn't just fall into this "situation", you chose it. You put your desires before your H and now you are in a crappy spot. There is nothing special about your situation, its just another selfish person who throws the word love around and doesn't even understand what it means.

 

If you have one ounce of respect or love for your H then you will tell him the truth. Until then, stop pretending that you "love" your H

 

 

Now your H seems to understand what love it because after all he did something that you are not capable of, he made a sacrifice for you and your marriage. Too bad he got the short end of the stick

[sadintexas]

However I must emphasise that my relationship with my husband, however strained recently, was in most a happy and content one before the affair. I still love him deeply and in the cold light of today could not imaging being without him.

 

I think my story may have not have emphaised the good points of my marriiage, it is valuable to me and I want to try to get it back on track.

 

I think you have your answer right there.

[sadintexas]

As for the comment from ikjh about his future wifes definition of love ... have you ever lived through a situation where you feel torn with loyalities to two parties? Have you ever desired and cared for two people at once? It is clear to me that my emotional life is far more complex than yours and you could never understand what I have experienced. Life is not that simple ... maybe you will understand that one day.

 

I believe we are all probably capable of the feelings you describe. The difference is the choice you made in getting there in the first place. I think that's the defining factor.

 

In sorting these feelings, you must not forget that the feelings you have for MM exist only because you decidedly entered into a relationship outside of your marriage. Those feelings would not have had the opportunity to develop if you had chosen the love for your husband from the onset.