mybrowneyedgirl Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 havent posted here in a while. xmm or soon to be dmm or currently smm or whatever you want to call him. its been months and months and months now. and he recently contacted me via email to tell me he is divorcing and wants to try to explain me being thrown under the bus and would like to consider seeing me. i havent responded, but i have read each email word for word. it has gotten straight to my heart. ive considered every word. i am still very much in pain after dday. and that was close to a year ago. but i havent responded. friday i saw him at work. yes we still work together but in different areas. he came to speak to me, i didnt respond. didnt even look at him and for the first time i find it empowering! not sure why. i still cry for him regularly. but i didnt respond, didnt look at him and i feel great about it. i even bragged to my friends about what i had (or hadnt done). so im not understanding these emotions. why when i feel so much pain over our A and the way it ended, how ive wanted him back for so long, why do i feel comfort by being able not to look at him or answer him when he spoke to me? just for what its worth i would like to also add that i am happy that i didnt follow the advice to just leave my job to get away from him. i have lost a great deal due to my affair, i am thankful that i didnt let him take a job that i love and have worked so hard for away from me. so any thoughts on this? why when i still feel pain inside and i still miss him, do i feel proud and happy that i was able to not have contact with him when i saw him for the first time in weeks? Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 Because even though you may still WANT him, you now know that you do not NEED him. And that puts you on a much more level playing field. You have taken back some of your power and it feels.. well.. empowering! Good for you! (I am glad to see you happier and stronger than I have seen you in a long time. ) Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 The answer I can come up with for now.. Is that maybe you were in love with love.. with the exhilaration and naturalness of what you were entitled to in the event .... rather than the mortal who took you off of the high and "threw you under the bus" .. He has left his white horse, and turned into a mere (destructive, hurtful) mortal.. Link to post Share on other sites
MizFit Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 MBEG...so good to see you here and I'm so glad you've done so well! I remember how you struggled and how you were so often put on the defensive because you needed to write and work through all of your pain and confusion...I'm thrilled you persevered and did yourself proud! Hun...I still cry at times for my xH...he was the first true love of my life and the dad to my wonderful son. My son moved out of the house last September and when he drove away I literally sank to the step outside the house and all I could do was cry and say, 'this isn't how it's supposed to be'. My head was full of the moments at the hospital with his dad beaming at us...full of moments full of birthday cake and Christmas presents and bbqs...full of moments waiting by the window late at night because I 'knew' something was wrong...full of moments of heartache when I was alone with my son after I left the man I loved so much. If you love someone it doesn't 'end'...it softens. I don't for a minute think you didn't love him. I think you still do. I think it's perfectly natura to cry and miss him, but if you, you, you, you, you, ever make the decision to bring him back into your life you are ready for it. If that isn't what you do, then you are ready for whatever comes next. You'll always miss him and hate the confusion and hurt that went along with your Dday, but you're getting there girl. I'm so proud of you. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 MBEG It felt good because YOU were in control, not him. And good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 Great news! Congratulations. Of course you should have stayed in your job!!!! Why let that **** ruin that for you. Three years later I am still having to deal with his hijinks at work but no way I would have changed my professional life to run from him. It feels great because he still isnt offering you anything. And you still cry because his behavior is so inconsistent. Its over why is he still bothering you? (to see if he can still get a rise out of you to see if maybe you would reconsider now that the dust has settled who knows what these people are thinking its one of the great mysteries of the world and we will never know) So you respect yourself enough NOT to settle for something you dont want (been there done that got the T shirt no need to go back to a man who threw you under the bus) but the memories are still painful. IMO the reason for the tears is that youve gotten yourself together enough to know that you dont want that back and your actions match that, it sometimes takes the heart longer to catch up with the head. Im no poster girl for getting over an A. I got out and I fought my corner against his hijinks but in my heart I held a torch for him for a long long time. A long long long time. The relatoinship was so good in many ways and the aftermath so bad and so confusing that a little part of me kept waiting for him to come back to me and say it was all a mistake all a dream or something because it was all so confusing. Just yesterday I was asking a friend WHY did I hang on so long in my heart when he has been such an azzclown to me for the past 2 years? And he said because when you two were together you had something really special and it was apparent to anyone who saw you together. Noone could have predicted this would have happened (the aftermath) it wasnt your imagination. It took me so long but I am so relieved that I no longer have feelings for him. It will take time but it will happen. Hang in there. Big hugs jj Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 "would like to consider seeing me". Look at what he said. After throwing you under the bus, and hurting you so, HE would like to consider seeing YOU. Well ain't that rich. He still thinks he can dictate the terms of the relationship. By not responding to him, you stood up to him. You stood up for you. You are seeing him for what he is, but crying over what you wanted him to be. You're moving on! Link to post Share on other sites
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