I just ended my affair

[SassyC]

Hi everyone.

 

I am a married woman who just ended her 6 month affair with a married man. I had decided that I needed to focus on my marriage and trying to fix what was broken at home. When my husband agreed to finally go to counseling with me I decided that I needed to give my marriage my entire self, and not just the piece that was not attached to the married man I was having an affair with.

 

I have read some posts and I am hoping that this forum can offer my some advice and support.

 

I have a couple questions:

Is it *normal* to feel so sad? I mean, we had said we loved each other. I know he really only loved the part of me that he saw. He did not know the entire me, and vice versa. I just feel like I lost something and it does not make sense to me.

 

What do I do to try to get over this?

 

Thanks,

SassyC

[whichwayisup]

Did your husband find out about your A?

 

It's good you're focussing on your marriage ,your husband and ended it with the OM. To stay in contact with him isn't fair as it'll give him mixed messages and some hope of a future.

 

Continue with counselling, with your H and alone. Going alone and talking with the therapist will help you let go of what you feel for the OM. Just takes time.

 

Remember too, a six month affair isn't that long - what you've invested into your husband is alot more than what you put into your OM. You've built a life with your H, maybe have kids too? Plus, the history you two share, friends, family, extended family..

[SassyC]

Did your husband find out about your A?

 

It's good you're focussing on your marriage ,your husband and ended it with the OM. To stay in contact with him isn't fair as it'll give him mixed messages and some hope of a future.

 

Continue with counselling, with your H and alone. Going alone and talking with the therapist will help you let go of what you feel for the OM. Just takes time.

 

Remember too, a six month affair isn't that long - what you've invested into your husband is alot more than what you put into your OM. You've built a life with your H, maybe have kids too? Plus, the history you two share, friends, family, extended family..

 

I was already in counseling alone. I plan to continue that.

 

My husband does not know about the affiar.

 

How likely is it that the OM will try to contact me? I am not sure what to do if he does.

[2sure]

I think its completely natural to miss the affair and the way it made you feel.

 

Marriage is not an affair ..it just doesnt come with the same kind of ego boosts , sexual tension that an affair does. But what you want is for your marriage to make you feel as fulfilled and satisfied as the affair did. And it can, you can get goes skills and tools. Then, when you do you can have the fulfillment without the guilt.

 

Pretty exciting when you think of it

[whichwayisup]

I was already in counseling alone. I plan to continue that.

 

My husband does not know about the affiar.

 

How likely is it that the OM will try to contact me? I am not sure what to do if he does.

 

The person you had the affair with, do you work with him?

 

It is very possible the OM will try to contact you. He's probably having some withdrawal as well and feeling sad. out of respect for his feelings, it's best not to talk to him. If he does call you, answer, but let him know it would be best for both of you not to talk/see/email with one another again. Ask him to respect your wishes..

 

Have you thought about confessing the A to your H? There is too, a possibility he may find out on his own, or what if the OM speaks to him? Never say never, some people spill the beans after an A ends..

 

Telling your H the truth also gives him the right to decide if he wants to stay married and work it out. Right now, he's clueless and has no idea you wandered.. It's like fixing something that's based on a lie! Not an honest approach either.

[ComputerJock]

I was already in counseling alone. I plan to continue that.

 

My husband does not know about the affiar.

 

How likely is it that the OM will try to contact me? I am not sure what to do if he does.

 

One thing I have seen time and time again on this site is where the wandering spouse is going to stop the affair, but before he or she can the betrayed spouse finds out and all hell breaks loose. The OM may try to contact you, or he may tell his wife and she may contact your husband. Are you ready for the fallout? Have you thought about telling your husband you have been lieing to him for 6 months, cheating and commiting aduletry? Better for him to hear it from you then someone else!

Edited May 27, 2010 by ComputerJock

[Heather1]

I'm not in too great of a spot to be giving advice, but I wanted to tell you that grief is grief, we don't have on/off switches.

 

Space will clear your brain and clear the addiction part of this.

 

If you & other man are txting, calling, everything else obsessively then you might get caught. I tend to believe most A's are not discovered until one person wants "more." Telling your H depends on what kind of guy he is.

[SassyC]

I talked extensively with my therapist and decided that it was in the best interest of my marriage to tell my husband. The plan is to tell him tonight as he has been away on business.

[2sure]

Sassy....

 

Thats going to be one of the most difficult conversations you will ever have in your life. I am a BS but have to say I have sympathy for any WS at that moment.

 

Please please remeber that the reactions you initially get....will probably not reflect the reactions you will see in 2 days, a week, a month.

 

You can do it. You have my respect for making the effort. Its great that you dont just want to stop the affair...you want to fix your marriage.

 

If you had chosen not to tell your H...it would have been a continuation of the betrayal. Unless ALL of the cards are on the table..the two of you cannot move forward together.

 

Last suggestion (again, from a BS). I'm sure some of the issues in the marriage which made you unhappy enough to have an affair were created by your H. ADDRESS THAT STUFF LATER.

 

While you are initially attempting to answer his Why?s...do not in any way imply that any of it is his fault. In other words: No defense.

 

That comes later. You will have your chance.

[secretlady76]

To get over the affair you have to maintain No Contact (NC) with your AP. Emotionally it will take time to get over it, you will have days of feeling absolutely distraught, days that you feel angry, days that you feel ok, days that you feel hysterical......however the days that you feel ok increase as time goes on. You are grieving a loss and you have to deal with it as you would a 'death'. Good luck, we're all here to support you.

[whichwayisup]

I talked extensively with my therapist and decided that it was in the best interest of my marriage to tell my husband. The plan is to tell him tonight as he has been away on business.

 

I commend you for doing this as it won't be easy. Make sure he knows you're willing to do everything possible to make things right. Do counseling, with him and continue going on your own. Give him all passwords, so if he feels like checking up on you, he can. Most of all, be honest. As much as it's going to hurt him to hear the truth, it's better to answer all his questions when he is ready to talk about it..That could immediately, or it could be when he calms down.

 

Keep posting.

[Heather1]

I told my H the first time we ended things, hoping to save my M & thinking that would end the A for good....and it didn't. I think my A had to die it's own death?

 

One thing is my H acknowleged we had problems way before anything happened, and he took his part in it. It can be a wake up call or a death knoll. For us it was a HUGE wake up call. It really was a relief to me, because I was really moody & that wasn't his fault it was because I was grieving & had no one to talk to. The other thing is that this happens in marriages more often than not. It doesn't mean the end, it's just reworking the relationship to what you want out of life NOW, not 20 or so years ago when we wanted to be M w/ kids (or whatever your circumstance is). My opinion is, life is chapters. An A forces the crossroads to what that next part's going to be.

 

Good luck, it's hard & it's also a HUGE relief. If your H has a temper or is possesive/jealous/controlling or you're scared of him. I don't care what your therapist says, don't tell him!! I say that for your own safety.

[ladydesigner]

I told my H the first time we ended things, hoping to save my M & thinking that would end the A for good....and it didn't. I think my A had to die it's own death?

 

One thing is my H acknowleged we had problems way before anything happened, and he took his part in it. It can be a wake up call or a death knoll. For us it was a HUGE wake up call. It really was a relief to me, because I was really moody & that wasn't his fault it was because I was grieving & had no one to talk to. The other thing is that this happens in marriages more often than not. It doesn't mean the end, it's just reworking the relationship to what you want out of life NOW, not 20 or so years ago when we wanted to be M w/ kids (or whatever your circumstance is). My opinion is, life is chapters. An A forces the crossroads to what that next part's going to be.

 

Good luck, it's hard & it's also a HUGE relief. If your H has a temper or is possesive/jealous/controlling or you're scared of him. I don't care what your therapist says, don't tell him!! I say that for your own safety.

 

Yes I completely agree with THIS. Do not tell if you think your H will act out violently. I am one for not telling, but it is up to each individual.

[Dexter Morgan]

What do I do to try to get over this?

 

Bring it up in marriage counseling. See what the therapist and your husband have to say about it.

[Dexter Morgan]

If your H has a temper or is possesive/jealous/controlling or you're scared of him. I don't care what your therapist says, don't tell him!! I say that for your own safety.

 

if this were true, then screwing around behind said husband's back wasn't the wisest of ideas.

 

as far as jealous, etc. well if he is and his wife is a cheater, wouldn't the jealousy be understandable?

[Dexter Morgan]

I was already in counseling alone. I plan to continue that.

 

My husband does not know about the affiar.

 

How likely is it that the OM will try to contact me? I am not sure what to do if he does.

 

if the OM calls you, let your husband answer. If he emails you, let your husband reply.

 

You let your husband answer OM with any contact.

[2sure]

Thats excellent advice from Dexter.

[JustJoe]

I agree with Dex, let your H handle this from now on. You need the NC time to grieve and focus on your M and the possible future of it. Sassy, telling him is the best thing you will ever do , to show your commitment, to reconciliation.

[nadiaj2727]

Good for you for telling your husband. Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest.

 

I am sure his reaction will be less than ideal and he may be angry, may call you names, may tell you he wants to divorce, etc., but I would advise you to just remember like 2sure said that it's the heat of the moment and it will really really hurt him so he's responding from a place of hurt because he loves you, and there is no telling what his reaction in the future will be after he's calmed down. I feel that you would know by now whether or not your husband is capable of violence or abuse. In my experience working with battered women in the past, women who are have abusive husbands are usually way too afraid/ co-dependent on them to cheat. So I'm with Dexter and some others who have said his reactions will be those of a wronged husband, not of some violent crazy man.

 

In the end as 2sure said telling him may make your marriage stronger. At least it gives him the choice to do what he wants with the knowledge he has. In my experience the truth can only set you free. Good luck and good for you. I wish you the best.

[lkjh]

Good for you for telling. There are plenty of cheaters on these forums that always say never tell but what they don't realize is the fact that your dirty deeds wont just go away. These people stay one these forums for years trying to find a quick fix

 

All you can do now is be 100% honest