I Truly Want to Understand a Married Man's Thinking

[JMC]

Some of you may remember me...I had a disastrously painful affair with a MM almost 3 years ago that ended when reality hit him and he dumped me with no prob, resulting in me still being scarred.

 

But now I need viewpoints on something recent I just don't understand.

 

I've been talking to a guy I met online who's only been separated for a month. I didn't know he was still married til after talking to him for a little while (of course). I am not interested in dating him - I couldn't even if I wanted to, simply because I am so scarred and jaded from being hurt from dating in the last 3 years, including the married guy 3 years ago (which was the worst).

 

This guy is so incredibly persistent, persuasive, and flattering. He seems to be convinced that I am The One for him. I told him that I cannot and will not date, let alone let myself become attached to, someone who is still married! Yet like most guys he has every excuse under the sun at the ready.

 

"I'm separated." "I'm not even living in the same house with her." "I have no feelings for her." "There's no chance of us getting back together." "We haven't been close for years." "I don't love her anymore." "She wouldn't give me any affection for years and that's what killed it between us."

 

From pure, amazed curiosity on my part - borne from 3 years now of dealing with utter BS, lies, and manipulation on the part of 90% of the guys I've dated in that time, resulting in me being so messed up that I couldn't fall for someone now if I tried - can someone tell me WHY these kinds of men are so eager and willing for me to risk MY heart, my sanity, my feelings for them, simply because they've decided that I'm the one they want to be with? No matter how many times I point out to him that he is MARRIED STILL!!

 

Has anyone been party to this sort of persuasive guy? Does anyone know why most people like him have absolutely ZERO CONCERN for my welfare (i.e., asking me to date him even tho he's been separated for only a month)?

[DGM]

My friend, most guys are charming enough that they say what a woman wants to hear. Especially a woman who comes across as vulneurable as yourself.

 

As a married man, I have never cheated nor have ever been tempted to do so. My advice is to stay away from guys who are married or recently separated. You see, a guy who has just separated or divorced is basically in need of companionship and other stuff; he will say what he has to in order to get what he wants.

 

Just a guys advice.

[bentnotbroken]

I always wondered if it were the thrill of the chase. Mr. Messy told me that he enjoyed luring a woman in with what he thought they wanted to hear. He says they gave away a lot of info in the beginning conversations that gave him clues to what they wanted to hear.

[JMC]

Thank you DGM. I am looking forward to whatever viewpoints come up. I am inherently an extremely inquisitive person as it is (I'm studying this sort of thing in school even).

 

I've always been super-aware of trying not to hurt others in my dating life - even if it meant passing someone up because I knew I wasn't good for them. I still don't understand why that comes naturally to me but it doesn't to others. It's very confusing.

 

Thanks BNB. Do you think there's any grain of truth to this guy's saying that his marriage is truly over? Does he belong in the category of "cheatin' married guy"? I'm sorry if all this sounds clueless and naive.

 

But I seem to stay naive. Since I can't imagine deliberately trying to hurt someone just for my own gain, I can't imagine someone else doing it either....that's why I'm trying to understand this stuff so I can quit getting hurt over and over.

Edited May 7, 2010 by JMC

[bentnotbroken]

Honey if I could tell if he were real, I would be rich! :laugh:The truth is I don't think I trust my own judgement were men are concerned yet. Mr. Messy did a number on my radar. I would say trust your gut and it sounds like your gut is sending you some alarm bells.

[DGM]

It's unfortunate JMC, but there are both men and women who are willing to take advantage of other peoples emotions for self-gain. I would seek an emotionally healthy man, one who has been single on his own for several years. I was married before my 2nd wife. And it was 8 years before I married again. I made sure I was ready emotionally. Guys who are just out of a relationship just, typically, want one thing. I know, I was there! I have hurt women, not intentionally, but indirectly as I knew I didn't want anything to last, just to have fun. However, they where set on having a lasting relationship.

[norajane]

Do you think there's any grain of truth to this guy's saying that his marriage is truly over?

No, and I don't think he's even separated. He's still married, living with his wife, and when he's not trolling for a hook up, he's playing husband.

 

How can he do this? He's f*cked up. Yes, he is. In his own way, for whatever reasons, his head is not screwed on straight, and he doesn't consider other people's feelings. Not everyone buys into the concepts of integrity, moral boundaries, and kindness toward others. And others do believe in those concepts, but have situational ethics and fluid boundaries which shift depending on the situation. As long as they think they have a chance of getting away with it without getting caught, it's full steam ahead.

 

Not to be mean but to maybe help you understand...you must have been aware that having an affair with a MM must have been hurtful to his wife, yet you did it, and you weren't the one who ended it. Why? If you could do that while believing that you try not to hurt others, you have to understand that MM don't see themselves as being hurtful either.

 

May I ask why you are still talking with him? Why didn't you stop the moment you found out he was not single?

[Woggle]

He lies to his wife so what makes him think he won't lie to you. Cheaters are just dishonest and deceitful people. The minute he was married it should have been obvious that he was not good.

[JMC]

Norajane, because he is very, very persuasive. And it is extremely flattering when someone is fixated on you, thinking you're God's gift.

 

I don't know how to explain it any better than that...some people are just extremely persuasive. And like DMG said, I am vulnerable (I didn't realize it showed so much, or even that I was that much, til he said that, but I am).

 

I guess I'm vulnerable cuz I am so messed up from being hurt by the MM and a couple guys after that in the ensuing years...I am so confused, my head is so turned around by all the lies and manipulations from guys in general, all because I was so naive and vulnerable in the first place. And here I am still vulnerable. Yet not so much that this guy's getting anywhere with me.

 

I understand your example of me being with the married guy 3 years ago - but I believed him when he said she had no idea about us. I believed him when he said that he'd been neglected for years by her. I believed him when he said she was ready to split too, and that she didn't love him, didn't care about him, didn't want him anymore. So no, I didn't think I was hurting her if all that was true.

[whichwayisup]

Don't date, at all. You're not ready. The trust level isn't there, for any guy, even more so for someone online. That guy is full of crap and think about ending it completely, no good can come of it and it'll only do damage to you in the long run.

 

If/when the timing is right, hopefully you'll meet a guy through friends of friends.

 

Take care of you and if you haven't already, maybe some counselling will help you get back on track.

[JMC]

Thanks WWIU...God it is so sad...I mean, I've been single for 3 years now, and I'm worse off than I was when I was just out of a relationship. People are supposed to get better with time of being single, not worse. I don't understand what happened. The fact that most of the guys in question were from online is probably a huge clue.

 

You're right, I have no trust of men right now. I am so hardened. Shut down from pure fear and common sense, like some kid that's been burned repeatedly by a hot stove.

 

And I am in counseling.

Edited May 7, 2010 by JMC

[pureinheart]

Some of you may remember me...I had a disastrously painful affair with a MM almost 3 years ago that ended when reality hit him and he dumped me with no prob, resulting in me still being scarred.

 

But now I need viewpoints on something recent I just don't understand.

 

I've been talking to a guy I met online who's only been separated for a month. I didn't know he was still married til after talking to him for a little while (of course). I am not interested in dating him - I couldn't even if I wanted to, simply because I am so scarred and jaded from being hurt from dating in the last 3 years, including the married guy 3 years ago (which was the worst).

 

This guy is so incredibly persistent, persuasive, and flattering. He seems to be convinced that I am The One for him. I told him that I cannot and will not date, let alone let myself become attached to, someone who is still married! Yet like most guys he has every excuse under the sun at the ready.

 

"I'm separated." "I'm not even living in the same house with her." "I have no feelings for her." "There's no chance of us getting back together." "We haven't been close for years." "I don't love her anymore." "She wouldn't give me any affection for years and that's what killed it between us."

 

From pure, amazed curiosity on my part - borne from 3 years now of dealing with utter BS, lies, and manipulation on the part of 90% of the guys I've dated in that time, resulting in me being so messed up that I couldn't fall for someone now if I tried - can someone tell me WHY these kinds of men are so eager and willing for me to risk MY heart, my sanity, my feelings for them, simply because they've decided that I'm the one they want to be with? No matter how many times I point out to him that he is MARRIED STILL!!

 

Has anyone been party to this sort of persuasive guy? Does anyone know why most people like him have absolutely ZERO CONCERN for my welfare (i.e., asking me to date him even tho he's been separated for only a month)?

 

Yesssss...just teasing.....

 

You know what, I don't get it either and am about as naive as they come. I don't understand being "calculated"...exDM used to say, "I don't know what I'm doing", he would say this as to mean he was confused...yet I would see how calculated he was with a particular situation, knowing that he knew what he was doing the whole time. He would purposefully do things to cause failure, yet in the end I would see why he did it...I can't explain this right, but he knew what he was doing.

 

I take things at face value, and planning is a good thing, but I would see where exDM had things planned to the very second, every little aspect...man, too much thought process for me.

 

To me, it's a dangerous game to piss people off on purpose...the things that he used to do...OMG, I told him, one of these days your gonna piss the wrong person off and they are gonna chase you down.

 

I am so very sorry so many guys hurt you like that...unfortunately there are a lot of "bad apples" out there...I usually study a person for awhile first, but still screwed up...now realising I'm too vunerable, don't want anyone in my life...I hate it, but am just focused on getting things done (and it never ends:eek:)...

[WalkInThePark]

Norajane, because he is very, very persuasive. And it is extremely flattering when someone is fixated on you, thinking you're God's gift.

 

But how can he flatter you if he hardly knows you, let alone has already seen you?

Everyone likes to be flattered but isn't it better if the flattering comes after having known you for a while? Otherwise these are just charming lines which have no link to reality. There is a good chance that his guy is chatting up several women, just to see if one will bite.

 

I understand how you feel. Hard and bitter and at the same time very eager to be loved. That makes you vulnerable. I think the best thing you can do is stop being online. Try to find some nice activities in real life where you meet people of either gender who can give you positive attention.

[bentnotbroken]

The online thing is a shield. It prevents you from interacting with people and getting to know them, their body language, gestures, message that the eyes give. These are all clues to who a person really is. More than 70% of communication is non-verbal. You can't asses the subtleties this way. You have to go back to school. You have to ease back into situations that allow you to interact without looking for a relationship. You can't rebuild the healthy parts of your life without actually going into the shark tank so to speak.. ( I should take my own advice:o)

 

The one thing to keep in mind...loving yourself first in a healthy way, heals you to love in that same way. I think the counseling will help you find that love.

[SoleMate]

Does anyone know why most people like him have absolutely ZERO CONCERN for my welfare?

I'm curious: why would you expect a total stranger to have MORE "concern for your welfare" than you yourself have? After all, you've continued this conversation long past the point when you learned he was married. AND you've made a point of trying to understand his thinking...thus prolonging the relationship when you obviously should have just dumped him cold. Why don't you think for a while, as to why YOU have CHOSEN to continue to engage in an utterly pointless and inane debate with this individual?

 

This guy is so incredibly persistent, persuasive, and flattering...I told him that I cannot and will not date, let alone let myself become attached to, someone who is still married! Yet like most guys he has every excuse under the sun at the ready.

If you blocked his email and phone, you could stop listening to those excuses.

 

...can someone tell me WHY these kinds of men are so eager and willing for me to risk MY heart, my sanity, my feelings for them, simply because they've decided that I'm the one they want to be with?

I have two answers for that: 1) It's obvious - he wants sex, and 2) Who cares? After all, you don't agonize "can someone tell me WHY these kinds of lemon used car salespeople are so eager and willing for me to risk MY money, my convenience, my loyalty as a customer, simply because they've decided that I'm the one they want to sell a junker car to?"

[joey66]

He's lying. He's trying too hard. He's a player. JMO. If it sounds like BS, then it's probably BS.

[jthorne]

I can't say whether he's separated or not. My gut says he's lying to you.

 

However, if he's really that into you, he should have no problem getting in touch with you when he's divorced.

[donnamaybe]

Has anyone been party to this sort of persuasive guy? Does anyone know why most people like him have absolutely ZERO CONCERN for my welfare (i.e., asking me to date him even tho he's been separated for only a month)?

 

I am SO glad you recognize this! As for the actual question, I haven't a clue, but fortunately for YOU, you see this for what it is. If the guy REALLY thought you were "the one" and truly cared about you, would he want to hurt you? No. He would back off and give you space and time and wait until his issues were all sorted so you could BOTH feel good about being together, if that were to happen.

[bittersweet memories]

Some of you may remember me...I had a disastrously painful affair with a MM almost 3 years ago that ended when reality hit him and he dumped me with no prob, resulting in me still being scarred.

 

But now I need viewpoints on something recent I just don't understand.

 

I've been talking to a guy I met online who's only been separated for a month. I didn't know he was still married til after talking to him for a little while (of course). I am not interested in dating him - I couldn't even if I wanted to, simply because I am so scarred and jaded from being hurt from dating in the last 3 years, including the married guy 3 years ago (which was the worst).

 

This guy is so incredibly persistent, persuasive, and flattering. He seems to be convinced that I am The One for him. I told him that I cannot and will not date, let alone let myself become attached to, someone who is still married! Yet like most guys he has every excuse under the sun at the ready.

 

"I'm separated." "I'm not even living in the same house with her." "I have no feelings for her." "There's no chance of us getting back together." "We haven't been close for years." "I don't love her anymore." "She wouldn't give me any affection for years and that's what killed it between us."

 

From pure, amazed curiosity on my part - borne from 3 years now of dealing with utter BS, lies, and manipulation on the part of 90% of the guys I've dated in that time, resulting in me being so messed up that I couldn't fall for someone now if I tried - can someone tell me WHY these kinds of men are so eager and willing for me to risk MY heart, my sanity, my feelings for them, simply because they've decided that I'm the one they want to be with? No matter how many times I point out to him that he is MARRIED STILL!!

 

Has anyone been party to this sort of persuasive guy? Does anyone know why most people like him have absolutely ZERO CONCERN for my welfare (i.e., asking me to date him even tho he's been separated for only a month)?

 

Absolutely they are all over the internet. Some single, some seperated and married. They don't care. Some just want to have a good time.

[bittersweet memories]

Some of you may remember me...I had a disastrously painful affair with a MM almost 3 years ago that ended when reality hit him and he dumped me with no prob, resulting in me still being scarred.

 

But now I need viewpoints on something recent I just don't understand.

 

I've been talking to a guy I met online who's only been separated for a month. I didn't know he was still married til after talking to him for a little while (of course). I am not interested in dating him - I couldn't even if I wanted to, simply because I am so scarred and jaded from being hurt from dating in the last 3 years, including the married guy 3 years ago (which was the worst).

 

This guy is so incredibly persistent, persuasive, and flattering. He seems to be convinced that I am The One for him. I told him that I cannot and will not date, let alone let myself become attached to, someone who is still married! Yet like most guys he has every excuse under the sun at the ready.

 

"I'm separated." "I'm not even living in the same house with her." "I have no feelings for her." "There's no chance of us getting back together." "We haven't been close for years." "I don't love her anymore." "She wouldn't give me any affection for years and that's what killed it between us."

 

From pure, amazed curiosity on my part - borne from 3 years now of dealing with utter BS, lies, and manipulation on the part of 90% of the guys I've dated in that time, resulting in me being so messed up that I couldn't fall for someone now if I tried - can someone tell me WHY these kinds of men are so eager and willing for me to risk MY heart, my sanity, my feelings for them, simply because they've decided that I'm the one they want to be with? No matter how many times I point out to him that he is MARRIED STILL!!

 

Has anyone been party to this sort of persuasive guy? Does anyone know why most people like him have absolutely ZERO CONCERN for my welfare (i.e., asking me to date him even tho he's been separated for only a month)?

 

From your experience being scarred and jaded from being hurt , I don't understand why you are even chatting with him. What's the point. If you are scared and Jaded move on..

[bittersweet memories]

But how can he flatter you if he hardly knows you, let alone has already seen you?

Everyone likes to be flattered but isn't it better if the flattering comes after having known you for a while? Otherwise these are just charming lines which have no link to reality. There is a good chance that his guy is chatting up several women, just to see if one will bite.

 

I understand how you feel. Hard and bitter and at the same time very eager to be loved. That makes you vulnerable. I think the best thing you can do is stop being online. Try to find some nice activities in real life where you meet people of either gender who can give you positive attention.

 

He hasn't even met her. You cannot go by just pix. Pictures can be very decieving photoshopped etc. So he obviously feeding her bologna and she's sorta buying it unfortunately or else she would not be give him the time of day.

[2.50 a gallon]

JMC

 

It matters not whether he is married or not, he is a player. That was me 30 years ago, so I know what I am talking about

 

I was only attracted to the most attractive women, which in turn means, that in most cases that there was most likely another man who was also pursuing if not dating her. It was rare to meet a good looking woman who was totally available and did not have another man some where in the picture. So my MO was to form a casual friendship and not directly pursue. It might take 6 months to a couple of years, but all along I was taking in information about her. What made her laugh, cry. What did she like / dislike, food, music, etc. In short, should I ever get a chance, as BNB's Mr. Messy said, he knew when they were vulnerable. ANd then I knew exactly what they wanted to hear. Like an actor my lines were rehearsed and waiting for the right moment.

 

Sometimes it was obvious, the other guy would make a mistake and hurt her feelings. Other times, it was not obvious, but somehow I knw at that moment she was vulnerable and then I would go into pursuit.

 

An analogy is two boxers fighting in a ring. The one tires, and the winner sometimes, does not even see it, but he is so well trained that when his opponent drops his guard ever so slightly, he attacks.

 

I suspect that in your case, the MM is like the boxer, and he thinks that you have dropped your guard, and when I read your later posts, I can see that also, so he sees victory is in his grasp and his pursuit has gone into hyper drive.

 

How do you know that you are the only one he is pursuing over the internet? A suggestion, try making a new identity similar to yours, and see if he takes the bait.

[jj33]

JMC - does this guy live within normal dating distance or would he be a long distance relationship if he were for real?

 

I ask because rule of thumb for online dating:

 

1. Get a pay as you go phone to use ONLY for online dating. That way you dont need to give your number to people you may never want to see more than once.

 

2. You have to decide why you are online. Are you there to "chat" and for company and to date if you meet someone nice but generally for fun? Or are you there primarily to meet someone to date?

 

3. If you are there to meet someone to date DONT chat for too long. If you chat for a week or so then either meet or cut it off. The longer people chat online the more they have an opportunity to create a fantasy about one another.

 

And then you have yourself convinced he is the one too on a certain level. And then when "the truth" comes out in person, it is more disappointing and for some harder to accept.

 

One month out of a marriage is not enough. Has he even filed for divorce?

 

I would forget him and change your profile setting to include only divorced and single men. Forget separated, too often this means she is in the kitchen I am in the den, we are separated. There are so many people online, there is no need to deal with the in betweeners.

 

If fate or God or whatever you believe in means you to meet a separated man who is serious about a new relationship, it will happen. You cant stop the universe from bringing what is yours to you.

 

In the meantime, YOU need to be responsible for your emotional safety.

[JMC]

Hey you guys, thanks for all your inputs...some really helped me.

 

I told him yesterday I didn't want to waste his time because I didn't feel any chemistry and I reminded him again that he's married (since to him it isn't any big deal that he is).

 

Donna, you totally understand what I was talking about with him not being concerned in the least about how his still being married and so fresh out of it was not the right thing to do ANYone, let alone me. Glad you understood. I know that if I was in that sitch, I would never expect someone to be ready to jump in a relationship with me.

 

And no, he isn't long distance, at all. And on his profile, he most definitely listed himself as "single". If he'd been honest, no way would I have even considered talking to him.

 

I didn't begin this post because I'm all hot and in love with this guy and trying vainly to stay away from him...mainly I'm just trying to understand for the millionth time what some men are thinking when they're obviously just out to serve their own purposes, other people be damned, as long as they get what THEY want, need, and feel oh-so-entitled to.

 

This supreme entitlement/taking it for granted that people are there to serve their needs attitude is mostly what I've encountered from men over the years, whether they've had anything really to offer a relationship or not (looks, self-esteem, ambition, personality, grooming, humility, integrity, etc.)

[MizzBlue72]

I'm glad you see this JMC.

IMHO - there is no way that he knows in one month that you are the one for him. Especially when he is newly separated.

And I think you are right.

He has zero caring for your well being.

Glad you set him straight. This will save you from a WORLD of hurt - 10 fold.

Good luck. I'm sorry that you are scarred, but in a way, it has opened your eyes. Many of use want to be naive. To think that love conquers all. It doesn't.