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Putting feelings into a box and putting them on the shelf


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secretlady76

I am a MW and had a brief but intense EA with a MM. For reason I won't go into, we are on NC, or should I say LC as we have to see eachother still for the time being although not for long and we try to keep it a hello/goodbye relationship (and sometimes not even that).

 

MM said that to move on from the EA he would need to try and put his feelings into a box and onto the shelf. I don't know if it is just a woman thing, but as hard as I try, I cannot do this. I don't feel that I will be able to get over him and the 'relationship' by simply ignoring how I feel and trying to box it up, as I think the box may explode further down the line. I think that the only way to deal with, accept and try and move on from the EA is to feel the feelings of grief/sadness/anger/annoyance/hurt etc, deal with them and then eventually move on.

 

Does anyone else feel like this is the way to go or should I go for the 'box' option? Both male and female perspectives welcomed. Many thanks.

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Just a stone's throw

This is how exMM explained it to me just 1 week ago. He puts that part of his life in a box and on a shelf. Moves on. I said I needed closure. He said he really never undersrood closure. I think it finally dawned on me that he is just emotionallu unabailable and prefers it that way and there is nothing I'm to do about it so am just moving on myself. Can't try and make him feel something he just doesn't have the capacity to feel or understand.

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I am a MW and had a brief but intense EA with a MM. For reason I won't go into, we are on NC, or should I say LC as we have to see eachother still for the time being although not for long and we try to keep it a hello/goodbye relationship (and sometimes not even that).

 

MM said that to move on from the EA he would need to try and put his feelings into a box and onto the shelf. I don't know if it is just a woman thing, but as hard as I try, I cannot do this. I don't feel that I will be able to get over him and the 'relationship' by simply ignoring how I feel and trying to box it up, as I think the box may explode further down the line. I think that the only way to deal with, accept and try and move on from the EA is to feel the feelings of grief/sadness/anger/annoyance/hurt etc, deal with them and then eventually move on.

 

Does anyone else feel like this is the way to go or should I go for the 'box' option? Both male and female perspectives welcomed. Many thanks.

 

If you can do it, I think the 'box' option sounds great. If you can do it. FWIW, it sounds to me like you can't. And I don't think it's a woman thing. I still have to see MW, too. I tried for a while thinking of her as a big black X. (Weird, I know.) As a nonperson. That hasn't worked either.

 

I like the idea of (i) feeling the feelings, (ii) dealing with them, and (iii) moving on. I am good with (i), but (ii) and (iii) are hard! ;)

 

If you figure out how to "get over ... the relationship," please let me know. I've been trying for a looooooong time and nothing seems to work. Is it really possible to get over someone you love?

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secretlady76
If you can do it, I think the 'box' option sounds great. If you can do it. FWIW, it sounds to me like you can't. And I don't think it's a woman thing. I still have to see MW, too. I tried for a while thinking of her as a big black X. (Weird, I know.) As a nonperson. That hasn't worked either.

 

I like the idea of (i) feeling the feelings, (ii) dealing with them, and (iii) moving on. I am good with (i), but (ii) and (iii) are hard! ;)

 

If you figure out how to "get over ... the relationship," please let me know. I've been trying for a looooooong time and nothing seems to work. Is it really possible to get over someone you love?

 

I'm with you. Seem to be forever stuck at (i). I can have a whole day and not known what on earth I've done for the whole day because I've spent the whole day wrapped up in (i) and not really living life as a normal person, instead just like a zombie person.

 

I think it makes it worse that I still have to see MM. I can't move on whilst I still have to see him sometimes, because when I see him I'm looking for signs that I still mean something to him, you know, will he acknowledge me or ignore me? Shall I ignore him or talk to him? Do we both look at eachother, make eye contact and both feel something or shall I avoid his gaze altogether? Is he talking to other people just to annoy me or to avoid me? It's a horrible rolercoaster ride.....and even if I don't see him there are things that remind me of him all the time; songs, places, etc. I CANNOT GET AWAY FROM IT AARRGGGHHHHHH!!!

 

Can you get over someone you love?.......No I don't think you can I'm afraid :(

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I'm with you. Seem to be forever stuck at (i). I can have a whole day and not known what on earth I've done for the whole day because I've spent the whole day wrapped up in (i) and not really living life as a normal person, instead just like a zombie person.

 

I think it makes it worse that I still have to see MM. I can't move on whilst I still have to see him sometimes, because when I see him I'm looking for signs that I still mean something to him, you know, will he acknowledge me or ignore me? Shall I ignore him or talk to him? Do we both look at eachother, make eye contact and both feel something or shall I avoid his gaze altogether? Is he talking to other people just to annoy me or to avoid me? It's a horrible rolercoaster ride.....and even if I don't see him there are things that remind me of him all the time; songs, places, etc. I CANNOT GET AWAY FROM IT AARRGGGHHHHHH!!!

 

Can you get over someone you love?.......No I don't think you can I'm afraid :(

 

I do know that trying to find the hidden meaning in everything he/she does or says is the path to insanity. I still do it, of course. That's how I know.

 

Right now I'm trying to ignore her, but I just cannot do it for very long. And the only way to avoid songs that remind me of her is to turn off the damn radio/CD player/mp3 player.

 

It helps me to know that I'm not the only one in this particular boat. I hope it helps you, too.

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secretlady76

Hey at least you have a boat, I simply feel like I'm swimming around in very deep water and slowly drowning.

 

This is not helped by feeling, acting and looking so miserable so H asks me what is wrong and I cannot tell him. It's like I'm in my own private hell....totally my own fault as well.

 

Yes, it is great to know there are other people feeling this. Makes you not feel so alone and so idiotic/mental!!!!

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bananalaffytaffy

Men compartmentalize far better than women can even try to.

 

Instead of dwelling upon your EA, why don't you look within yourself to find out why you had the A in the first place. Fix your problem, or you're either vunerable to another A, or to hanging onto this one ad nauseum.

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whichwayisup

Tell your husband the truth. Go from there. I bet once he knows, it'll force you into letting go of the MM completely as you'll be so wrapped up in trying to work on things with your H and figure out why you had an EA in the first place.

 

If you want it over, want to get over the feelings, it's easier than you think. You just need to be very proactive and do everything possible to keep busy and never allow yourself to think/wonder/fantasize/remember stuff about the MM.

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MorningCoffee

Getting over a lost love is a process of grieving the loss. How long it takes varies with the person and the circumstances. Eventually, you will be able recall the good stuff without triggering the pain. The love remains, but it quiets down and takes its proper place in the heart and the past. This makes room for a new love to occupy the present.

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secretlady76
Tell your husband the truth. Go from there. I bet once he knows, it'll force you into letting go of the MM completely as you'll be so wrapped up in trying to work on things with your H and figure out why you had an EA in the first place.

 

If you want it over, want to get over the feelings, it's easier than you think. You just need to be very proactive and do everything possible to keep busy and never allow yourself to think/wonder/fantasize/remember stuff about the MM.

 

The price I have to pay for the EA is to live with the guilt. What benefit would there be of me telling H other than making me feel better? Certainly won't make him feel good. That's my opinion anyway.

 

I think I will be able to do what you suggest with regards to getting over it, once I don't see MM anymore. At the moment I can't avoid it, but in a few months I will and that will help. Then I won't be reminded.....

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