movingfwd Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 Hello all, I've been struggling with where to post something like this (so many diff factors involved) or even *if* I should do so - but I'm going to give it a go here. I have issues with people-pleasing, codependence, self-esteem, perfectionism, control, etc - but this forum is where I have the least experience/knowledge - so hopefully your replies will help me gain more insight / better perspective. I always tried to do the right thing, follow the rules, etc - so I never ever thought I would get involved with a MW (sorry don't know all the abbrev.s yet but I've gone through about 6 pages worth of posts) - but I did (possibly because I've been trying to lighten up on those things but may have gone too far to the other extreme). She was separated at the time and had just been dating someone who had treated her horribly (that's how we met - on an online support forum - because I'd just recently had a similar experience dating someone). She told me that she never felt in-love/passion for her H - and again there were a lot of parallels to my 5 yr relationship I had prev to the ex I mentioned above. We told each other *everything* - always completely open/honest - in fact, this was all through email at first - finally I saw a pic (and she's gorgeous - but I'm actually more attracted to her personality) - then we talked on the phone. Then, several months later, I went to visit (I guess I should mention she lives on a diff continent [!]). She said all the right things - I believed her - we had plans - etc. I fell in love on the first visit. Went back a few months later for another - we were intimate. But one thing after another that she said, didn't end up happening. Her H moved back in (was supposed to be temp but wasn't) - she went to couples counseling w/ him "as a last resort" - it went horrible - yet she's still with him. We talked about her deciding to leave him independently of whether things would work out with me or not, she was going to IC, she was going to make lists of what we needed to talk about / cover - but none of those came to be (or stopped in the case of the IC). I thought I was different. I thought I was special. I thought I could save/rescue/fix/change her from her unhappy situation/life (btw, she also has a young daughter). I feel horrible/guilty/angry/hurt/upset. I want to cut things off - but I love her/ have very strong feelings. I tried to force the situation (to change) which led to a big fight between us (and apparently resulted in her starting to flirt with other guys the last two months and lie about it - until I accidentally found out [i got a txt intended for someone else] - but before that...) I tried to take a break (but her anger, fear of abandonment and other issues - combined with my guilt and taking resp for other people's emotions - didn't allow that to last very long). We have mended things for the most part, may try to stay friends (but it's really tough on me right now). I've returned to counseling (went for several years before but then didn't have any coverage for a while during the past year which is when this all took place). I went to two al-anon meetings yesterday (she also had issues with drinking before we met, and has gone back to that now - but was able to stop for most of the time when things were going well between us). So what now? Words of wisdom? Consolation? Telling me how much of an idiot I was to get into a situation that is clearly WAY over my head? ps. Just in case the title implies that I don't realize my own (misguided) choices led me down this path, missing flags along the way - that's not it. And that's why I'm posting here - to learn as much as I can to not get into this situation again. She just seemed at first like exactly the person I wanted to be with - and I sooo want to be with someone (am in late 30s now, never married, several longterm relationships where I picked decent people but just never felt in-love/passion for them) - and therefore really wanted to believe what she was saying over her actions - and kept hoping (and still do to some extent) that it would all work out... pps. Some of the stories I read here were heartwrenching - I wish everyone all the best in their healing and making the best choices for themselves going forward... Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 Hello Movingfwd.. I may be one the first posts ... but many others will join - who will be able to give you great consolation, insight and advice. The most amazing thing about your story is the Two continents ... that must have been so hard to keep a relationship and keep track of her as well.. Believe it or not, your story is not too much different from many others on here.. But to tell you that the relationship between a single person and a married person can be extremely heartbreaking.. a lot of ups and downs etc.. And it takes you away from the priorities of life.. Many may minimize it .. but she probably is Meant to be with her husband to spite your great attraction and love for her .. I think you would be happiest if you would withdraw from the relationship, rather than putting your life on hold for her .. If you put your life on hold (indefinitely) then you would have to be prepared for what little you would receive from it .. Most on here who are in a married person relationship, would dissagree with me - but I don't think your life would be that great even if she left her husband.. Once you have made the decision to be a whole person again - and as complete as you have a right to be - just read the other stories on here, stay with the sight and participate in the discussions - that is how I was able to withdraw, and heal.. Take care, and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Heather1 Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 Figure out why you're attracted to her....is it the drama?? You brought up a lot of things you're working on. Let this married fish go, you're not going to save her (from al anon you should know that's impossible). Be the person you want to be & that's who you'll attract. Law of nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Clep Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 Your first paragraph is the one that stands out for me. I remember when I was much the same as you are describing. I didn't know what I wanted, consistently got myself into situations and didn't know how...of course everyone around me did. I went on a personal journey that lasted many years and in that journey I found myself, my boundaries and am now able to see those signs I probably should have before. She is a married woman and you are an intruder in their marriage. Your emotions don't change that fact. I would recommend to work on yourself and get rid of the woman. You might find out that if you are concentrating on yourself and your own emotional health you won't have nearly as much time to think about her. Maybe put your energy where you can make a difference...with yourself. Hope it goes well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingfwd Posted March 29, 2010 Author Share Posted March 29, 2010 (edited) Appreciate the replies. Yeah the two continents are on opposite sides of the world too! I have some ideas why I get attracted to unhealthy people (egs. I don't feel that good about myself to deserve better, I want to problem-solve/fix things, it's easier to focus on someone else's issues than my own). I just thought I had made a lot of progress, knew better, had improved boundaries, etc - and everything started out so (almost) ideal - we communicated about anything and everything - even though it was a ldr and we talked so much before meeting, things still went amazingly well in person - she has so many of the qualities I want in a partner... I guess it's just tough to let go of that image/fantasy/whatever that I had initially. I don't think I'm attracted to the drama - but she is quite a charming/captivating/exciting person. I struggle a bit with that - that maybe I can't be with someone who is normal/decent/good-for-me and have that in-love/passionate feeling. It seems like I want/need it but when it's been there, it's been with people who have been seriously incompatible with me. But that's for another forum (or IC ). What would you suggest... just trail off / fade away, go NC without explanation, go NC but let her know, something else? What if I let things go for now - and she does end up getting D, goes to IC, etc - does that ever work out for people (ie. OP and exMP) getting back together or is it a case of her doing that before, and damage that's been done - that it's just best to leave it be for good? ps. Just started going to Al-Anon (yest was first day!) but will continue for awhile... Edited March 29, 2010 by movingfwd Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingfwd Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 Today is/was a tough day. Felt like crying for most of it. A little bit of anger here and there too. I've replied to a couple of her emails recently but kept things brief. She's sent a few over the last two days saying that she loves me, misses me, is thinking of me. But I know she'll be spending the upcoming long weekend (4 days for her!) with another guy... I'm not sure if I can do this... whatever it is that I need to do (NC? grieve a lost love? work on myself, etc). I just moved to a diff country for a job, and don't have any friends/relatives nearby - we'd planned (or possibly just that I'd hoped... [since maybe she really didn't have any intention of following through on what she said]) that she would eventually move here to be with me. I've had strong feelings for someone before, but I really think that this is the first time I've actually been completely in love. And I'm having a tough time dealing with what happened, and the current circumstances. Thanks for listening/reading. ps. Going to try to go exercise. Hopefully that will help a bit... Link to post Share on other sites
Ima Texan Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Today is/was a tough day. Felt like crying for most of it. A little bit of anger here and there too. I've replied to a couple of her emails recently but kept things brief. She's sent a few over the last two days saying that she loves me, misses me, is thinking of me. But I know she'll be spending the upcoming long weekend (4 days for her!) with another guy... I'm not sure if I can do this... whatever it is that I need to do (NC? grieve a lost love? work on myself, etc). I just moved to a diff country for a job, and don't have any friends/relatives nearby - we'd planned (or possibly just that I'd hoped... [since maybe she really didn't have any intention of following through on what she said]) that she would eventually move here to be with me. I've had strong feelings for someone before, but I really think that this is the first time I've actually been completely in love. And I'm having a tough time dealing with what happened, and the current circumstances. Thanks for listening/reading. ps. Going to try to go exercise. Hopefully that will help a bit... Well Movingfwd, I don't want to come across as being offensive, its just where I am from, we get to the point, the "nut cuttin' time"... You sure have a lot of "symptoms" and I suspect that they come from counseling? Well, as a man to another man, I think if it were me, instead of the grocery cart full of "catch phrases", I'd just tell myself,"this is f*cked up! And I don't want to be f*cked up anymore" Just go down your "laundry list" of NEGATIVE things with this relationship, all of the hurdles and write them down on a piece of paper, shoot, it may take 2 sheets. And then find a little teeny piece of scrap paper and write down the good thing about this relationship, compare the two, and then say out loud (making sure there aint no little chillens around), this is f*cked up!! And I don't want "f*cked up!" And one More thing. You DO NOT "pick" your mate, you "find them, and they find you, you trip over eachother in the dark" Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingfwd Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 Well Movingfwd, I don't want to come across as being offensive, its just where I am from, we get to the point, the "nut cuttin' time"... Nice catch phrase! Ok so... - just say things are f'd up - make some lists - and walk around in the dark Got it! Link to post Share on other sites
Ima Texan Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Nice catch phrase! Ok so... - just say things are f'd up - make some lists - and walk around in the dark Got it! What dark??? Really, think about that! How much "light" do you see now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingfwd Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 What dark??? Really, think about that! How much "light" do you see now? You wrote... And one More thing. You DO NOT "pick" your mate, you "find them, and they find you, you trip over eachother in the dark" Link to post Share on other sites
Ima Texan Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 You wrote... And one More thing. You DO NOT "pick" your mate, you "find them, and they find you, you trip over eachother in the dark" Why yes I did, I'm sorry... I'm so embarrassed... Yep, that's it then Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingfwd Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 So tried to go NC two nights ago (sending a goodbye email - wasn't completely unexpected because I've told her by phone that I've been having a tough time lately). She replied and then called me last night. Claimed that she would completely stay out of my life if that's what I wanted (I seriously doubt that). Anyway, we ended up deciding to at least take a break for a month. She said she wanted to start over as friends at that point - I said I don't think I can do that. So right now I'm sad, miss her, etc - and since I still love her, I'm trying to figure out how to proceed in the future. Even though it's probably not good for me/us or the best idea (and probably wouldn't ever happen), I still want us to end up together. At the very least, I want to have one more visit/trip to try to get some closure one way or another. But it's looking like I either have to go NC for good, or agree to be the big part that's missing from her otherwise decent married life (ie. emotional support/intimacy) but not get much in return (except being strung along hoping/wishing that things will change in my favor eventually). Again, any thoughts / words of wisdom / helpful suggestions? tx. Link to post Share on other sites
Ima Texan Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Just let those balls of yours continue to drop. Suck it up and be done with this nonsense.. Oh, and Happy Easter Link to post Share on other sites
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