How you identify yourself impeding your life?

[sally4sara]

When I'm browsing the "new posts" page, I can see thread titles from all the forums and subforums. Pretty often, the titles of the OW/OM forum and Infidelity forum seem to indicate a chosen identity.

 

I understand and can see benefit in being in a desperate situation (as an AP or a BS) and seeking advise from those who have dealt with similar situations no matter what side of this particular fence you find yourself on.

But at some point, when you find you've defined and dissected your situation and it's all mapped out - what are you getting out of continued involvement in this identity?

There are BS who are not married to their WS anymore still everyday picking fights with AP. There are AP who are no longer involved in the affair that caused them to initially seek out the forum. There are AP who are now married to the person they had an affair with, now putting them in the seat to see what was at stake for the BS, yet still identifying themselves as AP and feeling compelled to defend AP in relationships that have no bearing on their own life.

 

It makes me wonder if sometimes, if the identity you choose to wrap yourself up in impedes your ability to ever experience relationships in a different light. Say, you are or were an OW, and everyday - all day, you post about being an OW and get in the mud slinging threads defending the OW position (not just simply trying to understand YOUR relationship) - do you think it will help or hinder your ability to have an out in the open relationship of honesty and commitment?

Or, if you are a BS and the marriage is either dissolved or the affair is long since over, but you still find yourself everyday getting in the mix of arguing with posters on the OW/OM forum - do you think it helps or hinders you ability to have a contented relationship that doesn't involve suspicions and betrayal?

 

It just seems like maybe if folks didn't cling so tightly to certain identities, they might find themselves freer of the subject in general.

 

And no real personal agenda here. I am not a BS or an AP. The same could be said of any kind of identity born of an unfortunate circumstance. Say - an animal rights activist who devotes so much time to their chosen cause because they witnessed animal abuse at one point. So now they do little else and it becomes a detriment for other interests or relationships. Where maybe, if they didn't spend everyday fighting for the rights of animals - they might find more time to give to their own pets.

[2sure]

I believe that my experiences and comfort level with being OW in previous relationships has impeded GREATLY my ability to have a truly intimate relationship and GREATLY affected my being ok with a marriage that did not include openness and transparency from day one.

[greengoddess]

I don't believe being here affects my relationships in any way. I believe my experiences make me come here to try to get some of the ow to see the light for the smoke and mirrors of the married man's lies. It seriously hurts me to think of young, intelligent, beautiful women with a full life ahead of them get sucked in and waste the best years of their life on a pig who is married. It hurts and angers me and even if just one person would wake up from my harsh words then I have helped someone.

 

It's kind of odd. I don't feel that way about om. I just think what a dumb*****. Maybe it's the whole wasting the baby making years thing that bothers me whereas other men always have plenty of time to have their own children.

 

You read a new ow's story and your heart just breaks knowing they are in for years of pain and for what? For him to stay with his family and for her to finally wake up after it my be too late to start her own family. So sad. It should be criminal for these older men to do this to these young naive women.

[ladydesigner]

I do not think how I identify myself impedes my life in any way. I use those terms to identify myself in a way that those on this forum can relate. Personally I consider myself an XAP and an XBS, because at the moment neither of them apply to my day in and day out thinking right now. Only when I offer helpful or harsh truths to these forums. I actually think of myself as a beautiful, strong, independent, happily married mother:p

[Spark1111]

I feel I survived something almost too painful to describe or share with many people, and reading and posting at LS definitely helped me immeasurably.

 

Now, I return not only to post and comment and learn from the many people I have learned from, but to also help those like I was helped: a giving back of the good I got here at this site.

 

Does it define me, my fWS's affair? Not so much anymore....but it will always be a part of my life, my marital history, and my soul and from that perspective I wish to convey that there is hope and healing if you open your mind to it.

[silktricks]

I think that assuming someone identifies themselves on a large scale based upon what is read/posted on an internet website verges on the absurd. I doubt that very many of the people who post here, either often or occasionally think of themselves as a BS or OW or MM or whatever, especially if that "title" was earned in the past, but no longer holds sway.

 

The fact is that what happens in our lives (and how we deal with those happenings) good, bad and indifferent helps mold our personalities, but it does not identify us.

[pureinheart]

When I'm browsing the "new posts" page, I can see thread titles from all the forums and subforums. Pretty often, the titles of the OW/OM forum and Infidelity forum seem to indicate a chosen identity.

 

I understand and can see benefit in being in a desperate situation (as an AP or a BS) and seeking advise from those who have dealt with similar situations no matter what side of this particular fence you find yourself on.

But at some point, when you find you've defined and dissected your situation and it's all mapped out - what are you getting out of continued involvement in this identity?

There are BS who are not married to their WS anymore still everyday picking fights with AP. There are AP who are no longer involved in the affair that caused them to initially seek out the forum. There are AP who are now married to the person they had an affair with, now putting them in the seat to see what was at stake for the BS, yet still identifying themselves as AP and feeling compelled to defend AP in relationships that have no bearing on their own life.

 

It makes me wonder if sometimes, if the identity you choose to wrap yourself up in impedes your ability to ever experience relationships in a different light. Say, you are or were an OW, and everyday - all day, you post about being an OW and get in the mud slinging threads defending the OW position (not just simply trying to understand YOUR relationship) - do you think it will help or hinder your ability to have an out in the open relationship of honesty and commitment?

Or, if you are a BS and the marriage is either dissolved or the affair is long since over, but you still find yourself everyday getting in the mix of arguing with posters on the OW/OM forum - do you think it helps or hinders you ability to have a contented relationship that doesn't involve suspicions and betrayal?

 

It just seems like maybe if folks didn't cling so tightly to certain identities, they might find themselves freer of the subject in general.

 

And no real personal agenda here. I am not a BS or an AP. The same could be said of any kind of identity born of an unfortunate circumstance. Say - an animal rights activist who devotes so much time to their chosen cause because they witnessed animal abuse at one point. So now they do little else and it becomes a detriment for other interests or relationships. Where maybe, if they didn't spend everyday fighting for the rights of animals - they might find more time to give to their own pets.

 

This is an excellent point....

 

For me...identity, now that is a very good question. I went to my therapist yesterday and we have confirmed that I am simply "exististing" right now...sad, but true.

 

Like JT, I have been (for years) and still am dealing with stuff that has done a number on my psyche and physical...my list is too long to even communicate...I'm not out of one major thing till 4 more pop up...it has been devastating.

 

I've been in and out of LS for a few yrs now and for now I have been learning and dealing with much anger, I see this in others too. Maybe it is because I like the people that frequent OW/OM forum...I am posting in other forums and getting to know others.

 

Actually this forum keeps me away from the negative aspects that I was facing in my own situation, by continuing to see "my" reality in other posts. It keeps me focused concerning what I don't want in a R. It's not my time for a R right now anyway, so I've decided to exist and learn for now.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I 100% agree with you spark!

[califnan]

I googled and joined due to a current relationship problem ... I remain So Greatful to Posters on LS, in helping me (probably unknowingly) ..to Beat this problem .. and return to where I was.

 

But in counseling or commenting, I am noticing that the reverse side - or instances relating to my 22 yr marriage and divorce of 24 yrs ago .. seem to come up often .. Time heals .. And God has also shown me the problems in the marriage caused by both partners .. I can relate and share according to this .. and of the period following, and overcoming ..

[White Flower]

defending the OW position (not just simply trying to understand YOUR relationship) - do you think it will help or hinder your ability to have an out in the open relationship of honesty and commitment?

Or, if you are a BS and the marriage is either dissolved or the affair is long since over, but you still find yourself everyday getting in the mix of arguing with posters on the OW/OM forum - do you think it helps or hinders you ability to have a contented relationship that doesn't involve suspicions and betrayal?

 

It just seems like maybe if folks didn't cling so tightly to certain identities, they might find themselves freer of the subject in general.

 

And no real personal agenda here. I am not a BS or an AP. The same could be said of any kind of identity born of an unfortunate circumstance. Say - an animal rights activist who devotes so much time to their chosen cause because they witnessed animal abuse at one point. So now they do little else and it becomes a detriment for other interests or relationships. Where maybe, if they didn't spend everyday fighting for the rights of animals - they might find more time to give to their own pets.

I don't identify myself as an OW IRL. It is only here, with anonymity, that it becomes neccessary. Further, I do not walk around in day-to-day life thinking of this identity in the least.

 

And for the record, I don't even like calling my boyfriend, 'MM' because IRL I call him Baby, Sweetie, and by his name as he does me. Yet for the purposes of posting here and making it easier and condensed, I usually do call him MM. But I choose to not allow that mentally to be branded in my mind whatsoever.

[White Flower]

I feel I survived something almost too painful to describe or share with many people, and reading and posting at LS definitely helped me immeasurably.

 

Now, I return not only to post and comment and learn from the many people I have learned from, but to also help those like I was helped: a giving back of the good I got here at this site.

 

Does it define me, my fWS's affair? Not so much anymore....but it will always be a part of my life, my marital history, and my soul and from that perspective I wish to convey that there is hope and healing if you open your mind to it.

Great post. And I would like to add that since most of us who have lived IT (and this can apply to any situation really) we are pretty much experts on the subject AS WE KNOW IT, meaning, we are experts on our own experience and perspective and can help lead others down their path with more informed choices.

 

Further, many of us felt that we received so much help that we feel it only right to come back and offer some back. It really is an honor.

[NoIDidn't]

I kow its been said that no one identifies IRL as OW/BW/MM or whatever, but I can't agree.

 

I see it day in and day out in my interactions that certain "people" seem to always hang out with other certain "people". And we even read about it in other forums here, the complaints of single people against their newly married friends. Or childless people feeling left out because of their friends that are now prioritizing their kids.

 

It happens. But I disagree strongly with the notion that it "impedes" people. Its life. Everyone has their "Cross to bear", so to speak.

 

These experiences do define us. It doesn't mean that we are only this, or only that. But it does mean that we have learned and, hopefully, grown from the experience.

 

Arguing on an Internet board is not a sign of being stuck. Its a sign of having an opinion that varies from anothers. At least, that's my opinion on it.

[fooled once]

I feel I survived something almost too painful to describe or share with many people, and reading and posting at LS definitely helped me immeasurably.

Now, I return not only to post and comment and learn from the many people I have learned from, but to also help those like I was helped: a giving back of the good I got here at this site.

 

Does it define me, my fWS's affair? Not so much anymore....but it will always be a part of my life, my marital history, and my soul and from that perspective I wish to convey that there is hope and healing if you open your mind to it.

 

Spark, you defined my feelings so well.

 

I feel my former experience as someone who was involved in an affair (and if you note, I never call myself a former OW or any of the other silly names people have made up) -- I am ME, someone who had an experience. I don't want or need a label to define me.

 

I hope I can help someone else so they don't spend years of their life in a situation where they aren't happy. For those that are content being the OW, more power to them. But the majority of the posters who come here are NOT happy and do NOT want to continue that path. It is for them that I am here for.

[OWoman]

Arguing on an Internet board is not a sign of being stuck. Its a sign of having an opinion that varies from anothers. At least' date=' that's my opinion on it.[/quote']

 

Mine too.

 

My choosing to identify on LS as a (f)OW even though I'm now a happyW is a political choice, based not just on values and choices but on the need to keep a subaltern group visible, to give a voice to those who sometimes feel hesitant to speak out themselves.