Movie-prompted question for OWs and BWs

[OWoman]

Spoiler alert! Don't read this thread if you haven't yet seen, but intend to see, An Education.

 

Those who are Oscar watchers would have seen that the lead actress from An Education was nominated for Best Actress. She was pretty good. Anyway, the film is based on a true story, set in the early 1960s, of a young (16 - 17) year old girl who gets involved with An Older Man, and the dynamics around that. The film reaches a climax when she discovers that he's married. There is a scene where she demands that he inform her parents of this - but, while sitting in the car having a drink to gain some "Dutch courage", he thinks better of this and drives off, leaving her to face them alone.

 

She subsequently goes around to the BWs house, not quite sure why she's going (curiosity?) She walks in at the gate as the BW is coming out with a young child - she's caught off guard and mutters some excuse about having the wrong address, but the BW instantly knows what's up, comments bitterly on her youth, and says, "you weren't expecting all this [gestures as child, house, garden, etc] were you? They never are." and goes on to ask if she's pregnant, as "that's happened before". The girl, shocked, runs off, while the BW instructs her to come back and stay put - presumably to grill her.

 

This may well be as it happened IRL, and it certainly feels authentic in the film in terms of the characterisation, but....

 

* If you were an unknowing OW, who just discovered that her BF was M, would you go looking for the BW? Why? What would you expect / imagine you might find?

 

* If you were a BW (especially of a serial MM) and an unknowing OW arrived - how would you respond to her? What, if anything, would you want from her?

 

* and... what, if anything, would you want to say to the MM?

[2sure]

It is difficult to be a BS of a serial cheater when faced with the opportunity/obligation/confontation of speaking with OW.

 

On the one hand, you want her to know she isnt special. A passing thought. Unimportant, replaceable.

 

On the other hand you want her to know it isnt her fault. She is the victim of a predator. You want to help her protect herself.

 

Mostly though, you just want to wash your hands.

[OWoman]

Mostly though, you just want to wash your hands.

 

This, I can understand. In that position, I imagine I would think - this isn't about me. Why does it have to contaminate me?

[seren]

If you were a BW (especially of a serial MM) and an unknowing OW arrived - how would you respond to her? What, if anything, would you want from her?

 

If, as in the film, the OW was 16-17, I would hope I had it in me to make sure she were OK, had someone to pick her up (a parent maybe) and support her. If she were an adult and had been gaslighted, I would probably kick off initially, ask her to go before I blew a total gasket, but again would hope to have compassion for her once the shock had worn off.

If I were to stay with a serial MM I guess I would expect something like that to happen eventually and so when it did, wouldn't be too surprised and, being honest, would think it went with the territory of being with a serial cheat.

 

 

* and... what, if anything, would you want to say to the MM?

 

Ahh now if it were that the person were 16-17 I would be dammed angry that he had hurt someone so young. If she were an adult then I would expect him to clean up his own mess, keep it from my door. In both scenarios I am hypothetically the BW of a serial cheat so I have got to be expecting him to continue to have affairs or I wouldn't keep allowing him back into my life.

[Hazyhead]

That's a good question. I haven't seen the movie, but has her age anything to do with it do you think? That her youth/naivety sought her to succumb to the curiousity of what the wife of the man she loves might look like?

 

For me, as a fOW, I was never bogged down with curiousity about the BW, but I think that was because he was very open and I was stuck in this cloud of trying to pretend that what was going on wasn't the terrible thing that it really was. Not thinking about her helped minimise my guilty feelings, I suppose.

 

If I found out that he was married much later on... I'm not sure really. Maybe I would try (I know that sounds pathetic - but I was too weak way back when) and pull away. I did find out that my xMM's wife was pregnant late on and that's exactly what I tried to do but I let him pull me back again. Stupid.

[herenow]

The part that you left out is that she (the teenage girl) knows that he is a criminal and a liar before she finds out he is married. She had a choice to make when she found out how he makes his money and she chose to stay involved with him.

 

As far as the wife in the movie, it's clear that she has made the choice to stay with him knowing that he will probably always be looking for the perfect mistress.. There is also another married man with a mistress in the movie. I got the idea that the first man was jealous of his friend's set up (wife and mistress) and wanted the same.

 

I don't think the wife wanted to "grill" her as much as educate her. Seems like the wife knew exactly what was going on. If the girl was interested in knowing more, then I'm sure she would have stayed. She was more interested in moving beyond her mistake and fixing her life (which she did). That is the way I saw it.

[Spark1111]

If a 16 or 17 year old came to the door and I knew or suspected my husband had dallied with her, I call the cops on him!

 

There are affairs, and then there is pedophilia, and as I am a former journalist and current educator, well then don't let the prison bars hit you in the behind darling.

 

I was curious about the OW in my triangle, not so much younger or thinner by the way, but I after one attempt during a work day to contact her, I gave up.... until she broke NC and waltzed into my husbands' office 2 years later.

 

I only had empathy in my heart for a single mom and turned the full wrath of my betrayal on him.

 

In retrospect, she did invite herself unannounced to a beach function very early into the affair because I now think she was very curious about me!

 

When I finally did speak to her, she was NOTHING like me and NOTHING like I had envisioned her to be. Somewhat nuts, very, very angry (WTF?) and almost hysterical.

 

Hoo boy! Maybe I've been watching too much cinema...

 

What a long strange trip it's been...:bunny:

[Hazyhead]

If a 16 or 17 year old came to the door and I knew or suspected my husband had dallied with her, I call the cops on him!

 

There are affairs, and then there is pedophilia, and as I am a former journalist and current educator, well then don't let the prison bars hit you in the behind darling.

 

I was curious about the OW in my triangle, not so much younger or thinner by the way, but I after one attempt during a work day to contact her, I gave up.... until she broke NC and waltzed into my husbands' office 2 years later.

 

I only had empathy in my heart for a single mom and turned the full wrath of my betrayal on him.

 

In retrospect, she did invite herself unannounced to a beach function very early into the affair because I now think she was very curious about me!

 

When I finally did speak to her, she was NOTHING like me and NOTHING like I had envisioned her to be. Somewhat nuts, very, very angry (WTF?) and almost hysterical.

 

Hoo boy! Maybe I've been watching too much cinema...

 

What a long strange trip it's been...:bunny:

 

When I read about the OW in your triangle, Spark; it's fascinating that she hasn't tried any vengeful actions towards you as she sounds so highly strung. Not that you deserve any, you understand! Just that she sounds like she so could have had bunny-boiler tendencies. Maybe she moved on to another...

[jwi71]

OWoman, that's happened to at least poster here...I wonder if she'll come forward. I hesitate to name her as I don't know if we discussed it offline or in public postings...

[bentnotbroken]

If it were a teen, I am with Spark. I don't like molesters. But if it were an adult woman and she didn't know I probably would be angry, but I also would understand being lied to. Now as far as the serial cheater...well I found that out after the fact and I didn't want to deal with it. It was like pruning a rose bush for it to bloom even more beautifully than it ever has.

[NoIDidn't]

OWoman, that's happened to at least poster here...I wonder if she'll come forward. I hesitate to name her as I don't know if we discussed it offline or in public postings...

 

I don't think you were talking about me, but I have had this happen to me as a teen - TWICE.

 

And I did "stalk" the GF/Fiance because I was very curious about them. Besides being actual "women" and able to do things with him that I couldn't because of my age, I wanted to know about them. Were they prettier than me, more talented, what they did for a living, etc., etc..

 

Because I know several BWs that are with serial cheats AND my dad is one, I have to say that the reaction in the movie was pretty standard. And I agree with Herenow's assessment. It was not a grilling, so much as it was getting to know where the girl was coming from and hoping she would not repeat such as it was/is the road to nowhere fast. And I agree with 2Sure. There is always the desire to let the "new" OW know she is likely not the only and neither is she special. The overwhelming desire is to let her know that he does not "love" so there is no love for her anyway - no matter what it is that he has told her.

 

And what would one say to the serial cheating MM? Nothing. There is no reaching this kind. You either deal with it, or you leave. These are the kind of people that generally get to their death beds alone because they have burned so many bridges before they wake up from their delusion of how important or desired they really are.

 

On the age of the young lady in this movie, I was younger than 16 - 17. By a few years actually. Pretty common for someone with my life experiences though, sadly.

 

Also, anyone ever notice that serial cheats usually have a lot of money, and often are involved either in some criminal enterprise or hide their side work from Uncle Sam so they don't have to pay taxes on it? It seems pretty common in my neck of the woods. Serial cheats are usually known to be "hustlers" (not dirty magazines, for the uninitiated).

[Spark1111]

When I read about the OW in your triangle, Spark; it's fascinating that she hasn't tried any vengeful actions towards you as she sounds so highly strung. Not that you deserve any, you understand! Just that she sounds like she so could have had bunny-boiler tendencies. Maybe she moved on to another...

 

You know what? I get constant hang-up calls from private numbers on all my phone lines still!...Hell, I gave them to her at a time I thought we could talk about it all rationally and put it behind us.

 

I can't swear it is her or her girlfriends, and I truly do not care. But if you love the drama as it makes your small life feel oh-so-more exciting...well then I am sure my phone call is being spun in some circles that I truly care nothing about.

 

And yes, I think if she did not have a lawsuit still pending against her xH (he lives in our town) and if she did not still work in the same company as my H, yes, I know NOW how vindictive she could be and would be worried.

 

Right now.....she still has more to lose if she were to attempt anything silly.

[Spark1111]

I don't think you were talking about me, but I have had this happen to me as a teen - TWICE.

 

And I did "stalk" the GF/Fiance because I was very curious about them. Besides being actual "women" and able to do things with him that I couldn't because of my age, I wanted to know about them. Were they prettier than me, more talented, what they did for a living, etc., etc..

 

Because I know several BWs that are with serial cheats AND my dad is one, I have to say that the reaction in the movie was pretty standard. And I agree with Herenow's assessment. It was not a grilling, so much as it was getting to know where the girl was coming from and hoping she would not repeat such as it was/is the road to nowhere fast. And I agree with 2Sure. There is always the desire to let the "new" OW know she is likely not the only and neither is she special. The overwhelming desire is to let her know that he does not "love" so there is no love for her anyway - no matter what it is that he has told her.

 

And what would one say to the serial cheating MM? Nothing. There is no reaching this kind. You either deal with it, or you leave. These are the kind of people that generally get to their death beds alone because they have burned so many bridges before they wake up from their delusion of how important or desired they really are.

 

On the age of the young lady in this movie, I was younger than 16 - 17. By a few years actually. Pretty common for someone with my life experiences though, sadly.

 

Also, anyone ever notice that serial cheats usually have a lot of money, and often are involved either in some criminal enterprise or hide their side work from Uncle Sam so they don't have to pay taxes on it? It seems pretty common in my neck of the woods. Serial cheats are usually known to be "hustlers" (not dirty magazines, for the uninitiated).

 

Serial cheating bespeaks real pschological issues: risk-taking, an air of entitlement and arrogance....as does criminality. Not unusual that they often go hand-in-hand.

[Hazyhead]

You know what? I get constant hang-up calls from private numbers on all my phone lines still!...Hell, I gave them to her at a time I thought we could talk about it all rationally and put it behind us.

 

I can't swear it is her or her girlfriends, and I truly do not care. But if you love the drama as it makes your small life feel oh-so-more exciting...well then I am sure my phone call is being spun in some circles that I truly care nothing about.

 

And yes, I think if she did not have a lawsuit still pending against her xH (he lives in our town) and if she did not still work in the same company as my H, yes, I know NOW how vindictive she could be and would be worried.

 

Right now.....she still has more to lose if she were to attempt anything silly.

 

I once had a... [hmm... best way to put this] high maintenence friend and on a couple of occasions after bad relationships (she was a serial OW... still is, I think), she plagued the xMM's house/wife with silent calls. She would get herself into this state where she felt that she had to, in some way, dip back into the relationship and this was her method. She also admitted that she hoped the phone calls caused arguments between him and his wife, which might what the OW in your case is trying to achieve in your case, Spark? As if, you'd blame him for bringing the hassle into the house? (Not saying you do, btw... just that's what she might be thinking.) Just a thought. But, like you say, if this is the best/worst she has... meh.