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What if he says all the right words?


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mybrowneyedgirl

So its been a few weeks now since the initial email from xMM. I havent responded.

 

During this time H & I have filed for divorce and I think we're both ok with this. Very, very scary. There are tons of times that I think we both want to put a hold on it. But the truth is it will be a long time before the divorce is final and so we are continuing.

 

I have also received a few more emails from xMM. I think he somehow knows I must be reading them but I'm not so sure. It is now common knowledge at work and through friends that they are divorcing. The rumor is that he left her, but I highly highly doubt that. In fact he told me she asked him to leave after he told her he was unable to contribute to the marriage what she was asking.

 

So his emails are filled with the things ive wanted to hear for a very long time. He says hes sorry. Offers explanations for his throwing me under the bus. Not excuses, hes taking responsibility but explaining his mindset while things were happening. hes asked forgiveness and for a chance. basically...hes said everything i had hoped.

 

but i have yet to respond. or even look his way at work. im not sure if i will.

 

i do have a sort of peace after reading his words. i still would be afraid to trust him until his D is final. afterall, i am well aware of the uncertainty surrounding my own potential divorce.

 

any thoughts here? when do i get to the point i should consider exploring this side of things?

 

i have been NC so long i cannot even remember the last time i spoke to him. this doesnt lessen my feelings one bit for him. i still love who i thought he was during our affair.

 

advice? let me have it.

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I think you answered your own questions in that you said, you were afraid to trust him until the divorce is done and since you are doing NC and doing OK with it, maybe it would be best to continue it. You know that you are going through a very confusing, painful time with your own divorce and it would be the best thing for you not to muddle it up any more than absolutely necessary.

 

And if........you and the xMM are meant to be together at some point in time, it will happen, but it will be so much better when both of you have all this other stuff behind you..........and believe me I know all to well what I'm talking about on that aspect. :)

 

Good luck and hang in there!

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i'd say you guys have a better chance at making a go of it in a happy way if you wait until both divorces are final.

 

that may take a while - but time will show you if it may go well. anything sooner is likely to get all tangled up with too much emotions.

 

are either one of you doing counseling? that would help to be healthier individually IF you both decide to date in the future.

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mybrowneyedgirl

we're both in counseling. I am in IC. He is in both MC and IC. my H quit MC a while back and refuses to return.

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we're both in counseling. I am in IC. He is in both MC and IC. my H quit MC a while back and refuses to return.

 

ok, so the fact that he's still in MC is telling. they are still trying to see if they can possibly work it out. anything else he tells you is a lie.

 

he is trying to see if he can keep you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out.

 

IF he had NO intention of staying married - he wouldn't be going to MC. just like your H quit going when he was no longer interested in staying married.

 

see how actions tell you more than the words? he's just bs-ing you to see if you'll bite - don't bite - at least not until his D is FINAL.

 

this will save you a lot of emotional ups and downs and a lot of heartache if it is ever to stand a chance.

 

in the meantime - get busy being happy and living life!

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White Flower

You need to see where you both are at this point both as individuals and as a couple, if you both still want to be one. You'll need to talk and see where and how you've both grown since IC and MC.

 

What a surprise huh?

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mybrowneyedgirl

the only part i disagree with is the MC once the marriage is over. i think H & I need it now more than ever. not to fix our marriage, but to help us work through the divorce, wrap up our feelings, find a way to live our lives separate and most importantly do this in the best way possible for our children. he stopped going because he simply didnt like having to address the issues we were talking about. hes the type to avoid things. but i do think MC can be a valuable tool in divorce.

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H and I are also divorcing and just started. It will be complete in august.

After his infidelity, we attended MC and although I gave up on reconciling the marriage...it DID help us to communicate more amiably regarding the divorce. So, I agree with that - go.

 

Just wanted to point something out to you. I havent said much on your threads because ...its all there, I have nothing to add really. But...

My best friend in the whole world is going thru something similar to you - only she is the BS. On D-day, H thru other woman under the bus even though prior to that he told OW he was planning on leaving the marriage.

When my friend filed for divorce, the H didnt want it. When OW found out that he was fighting the divorce, she bailed on him. With the OW gone, he really ramped up his game to keep his wife. My friend is divrcing him come hell or high water and he realizes he has no chance.

 

So now, with no one to go to....he is back at the OW. Pleading his case to win her back, since he is divorcing. So far she is pretty much ignoring him.

 

Stupidest thing is ..since my friend and H still live together ...when the OW ignores him he is sooo nice to the wife. When she calls him, he is an ass again. We laugh, knowing he will end up with neither...in an apartment with a kegerator.

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So its been a few weeks now since the initial email from xMM. I havent responded.

 

During this time H & I have filed for divorce and I think we're both ok with this. Very, very scary. There are tons of times that I think we both want to put a hold on it. But the truth is it will be a long time before the divorce is final and so we are continuing.

 

I have also received a few more emails from xMM. I think he somehow knows I must be reading them but I'm not so sure. It is now common knowledge at work and through friends that they are divorcing. The rumor is that he left her, but I highly highly doubt that. In fact he told me she asked him to leave after he told her he was unable to contribute to the marriage what she was asking.

 

So his emails are filled with the things ive wanted to hear for a very long time. He says hes sorry. Offers explanations for his throwing me under the bus. Not excuses, hes taking responsibility but explaining his mindset while things were happening. hes asked forgiveness and for a chance. basically...hes said everything i had hoped.

 

but i have yet to respond. or even look his way at work. im not sure if i will.

 

i do have a sort of peace after reading his words. i still would be afraid to trust him until his D is final. afterall, i am well aware of the uncertainty surrounding my own potential divorce.

 

any thoughts here? when do i get to the point i should consider exploring this side of things?

 

i have been NC so long i cannot even remember the last time i spoke to him. this doesnt lessen my feelings one bit for him. i still love who i thought he was during our affair.

 

advice? let me have it.

 

well I think when u f find yourself feeling like exploring other sides of things , u are at that point . Nobody else can tell u when exactly u should do that .

I think , although u didn't plan it but things seems to be going the way u wanted . just be patient .

 

best of luck

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What if he says all the right words?

 

MBEG - as you know: it's not just about saying all the right words. It's about doing all the right actions.

 

Wait for those - and then decide what you want to do. He has a lot of trust to rebuild with you - that doesn't come quickly or cheaply.

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So now, with no one to go to....he is back at the OW. Pleading his case to win her back, since he is divorcing. So far she is pretty much ignoring him.

 

Stupidest thing is ..since my friend and H still live together ...when the OW ignores him he is sooo nice to the wife. When she calls him, he is an ass again. We laugh, knowing he will end up with neither...in an apartment with a kegerator.

 

MBEG, 2sure makes a very valid point here.

 

My fWS flip-flopped big time. It wasn't deliberate....it just was.

 

If I was intent on divorcing him and moving on, he wanted to keep all options open with his OW. Very unfair to her, IMHO.

 

She kept in contact, wanting to know how our reconciliation was going....or maybe to see if I would file...and I think she grew weary of it all.

 

I too knew when contact had been made; his whole demeanor changed towards me...and when it had been ignored.

 

I think you are smart to remain NC. White Flower is right; his actions will bely his intentions towards you.

 

Stay strong.

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torranceshipman

You don't need his drama at this point...if you feel the need to reply for your own closure, why not tell him that you are only responding to him once, that you need time and space, and you may or may want to talk to him about things again after the dust has settled from both of your D's...that you can't guarantee anything though, because he did a heck of a lot of damage from his throwing you under a bus, and you are not sure if that type of damage is recoverable. Let him feel real regret, and let the situation sit on your terms only.

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You don't need his drama at this point...if you feel the need to reply for your own closure, why not tell him that you are only responding to him once, that you need time and space, and you may or may want to talk to him about things again after the dust has settled from both of your D's...that you can't guarantee anything though, because he did a heck of a lot of damage from his throwing you under a bus, and you are not sure if that type of damage is recoverable. Let him feel real regret, and let the situation sit on your terms only.

 

torranceshipman , as I might have missed some of op's thread , so just want to know what exactly MM did that was like throwing her under the bus & that caused lot of damage to op ?

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fooled once

I agree with others - - ACTIONS speak way louder than words.

 

Quite frankly, if it was meant to be, it will be AFTER the divorces.

 

The last thing you really need right now is to be involved with ANY guy -- I think you have a lot of personal healing that you need to do before you can be with anyone.

 

Focus on yourself.

 

Focus on your kids.

 

Focus on trying to figure out why you had an affair for 3+ years, figure out why you still care for the man who trashed you and humiliated you.

 

Like I said to someone else....that isn't love. Love doesn't hurt people INTENTIONALLY. Love isn't lying and sneaking around. Love isn't disrespectful.

 

I think you just don't want to be alone .... being alone makes you examine yourself and at times, that might be hard. I am NOT saying you are a bad person by any means....but you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you and before you can love someone else.

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MBEG - as you know: it's not just about saying all the right words. It's about doing all the right actions.

 

Wait for those - and then decide what you want to do. He has a lot of trust to rebuild with you - that doesn't come quickly or cheaply.

 

Exactly exactly exactly.

 

If you want to respond and tell him so e.g. lets see where we both are once the divorces are final thats up to you but words are cheap. A start if they are backed up but not enough.

 

I get what you are saying about still loving him. I knowthat if xMM were to divorce and if he were to do all the right things I would take him back but thats a big if if if if if .

 

No doubt he still loves you and regrets the way things have gone but there is a lot of detail in between the feelings and being ready to committ to the actions to regain the trust and build a foundatoin for the happily ever after.

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Chrome Barracuda

BEG, is so nave to believe this guy, he's going to MC to reconsile his marriage! not to be with you. And another thing is why should your H, go to MC with you, the marriage is over. if it aint about the kids, he should have nothing to say to you.

 

Why cant you just move on!!! GOOD LORD!

 

The OM is a liar and a cheater, the sooner you realize that, the better off you will be. Go NC spare yourself the drama!

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MBEG,

 

At least you and your husband are divorcing and you aren't stringing him along.

 

My advice? Will be ignored (ha, had to say it :))

Well, in all seriousness, my advice is TO PURSUE YOUR HARD WON MAN. Go for it, 100% all out. Forget NC, forget secrecy, forget it all. Call him, ask him to dinner. Ask him over. Take a long romantic stroll in the park. Support him during his divorce. Bring him home cooked meals (you're dessert). Date. Build a new relationship with him. All those fantasies you shared as lovers can now be REAL. Make it so. This is your opportunity to have him.

 

Don't sit on the sideline. ACT. Make him yours.

 

Just remember ONE thing MBEG...he didn't choose you. You are simply the only option left.

 

I hope this dawning of a new life finds you well. The grass is simultaneously always and never greener on the other side.

 

JW

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BEG, is so nave to believe this guy, he's going to MC to reconsile his marriage! not to be with you. And another thing is why should your H, go to MC with you, the marriage is over. if it aint about the kids, he should have nothing to say to you.

 

Why cant you just move on!!! GOOD LORD!

 

The OM is a liar and a cheater, the sooner you realize that, the better off you will be. Go NC spare yourself the drama!

 

perhaps the reason why op's husband stopped going to MC was because he might have sensed that op is still not over with that MM .

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jennie-jennie
Just remember ONE thing MBEG...he didn't choose you. You are simply the only option left.

 

Now I am confused. I understand it to be that MM put one last effort into his marriage only to discover he did not have what it takes to make the marriage work, and this due to having feelings for MBEG.

 

Now MM is pursuing MBEG, explaining and apologizing for what happened after Dday.

 

It looks to me like MM is clearly choosing MBEG.

 

Of course we don't know if there will be any flip-flops yet to come, but so far so good is what I think.

 

I did tell you from the beginning, MBEG, not to worry so much about what went down on Dday. Your MM is still the same guy whom you loved during the affair. He just did what was necessary to survive the impact of Dday. It had nothing to do with his love for you really.

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mybrowneyedgirl

Jennie -

 

i think you are absolutely right. afterwards the explanations and apologies from dday paint a much different picture than what it feels while you are living it. unfortunately, that does not negate the pain and confusion that these actions cause. i think that its something you can work through. just may take a little effort.

 

i also think that things are pointing in the right direction. not sure its there yet...and so im wondering if i'll know when its finally the right time to open up again, or if maybe its there and im just scared to take that jump.

 

i realize there are flip-flops. i too am guilty of this.

 

the most important thing in my mind is that if during the affair he would have come to me to tell me he wanted to be with me that i would tell him to address the issues with his wife FIRST. seems they tried to do this. so I dont feel ANY negativity towards this. I'm glad it happened.

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ok, but those of us who have lived too long with a flip-flopper are just saying....be very careful here MBEG.

 

You do not want to be anyone's defalut choice, either. Many do not have the courage or the skills to reconcile successfully; many are not ready or cannot put in the hard work or TIME to do so, especially after an affair.

 

Often, divorce is just.....easier.

 

It does not mean he won't mourn the loss of his marriage or his inability to successfully reconcile it in light of an infidelity.

 

He has a long road to travel, either way.

 

....take your time on this decision.

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advice? let me have it.

 

NC is pretty healthy. IME, it focuses perspective on the issues at hand, instead of becoming distracted with communication. I believe in black hole NC, meaning total disconnection.

 

i am well aware of the uncertainty surrounding my own potential divorce.

 

What's uncertain? Please elaborate. After MC, once we made that decision, calmly discussed face to face, it was merely a matter of taking the proper legal steps. It's really not hard at all, once the emotional reality is acknowledged.

 

Are you afraid of being alone? Perhaps, to a degree, that dynamic affects the process. Neither my stbx nor I are afraid of being alone. We're both comfortable with it, so not reaching out in that way, complicating things. We don't have any contact, other than legally. I also don't have any contact with former AP. She's got her own stuff to work out. Far healthier all around, IMO. I used to be the kind of guy who wrote all those letters/e-mails like you describe from MM, but, with MC, I saw the unhealthiness in that kind of discourse. That stuff is shared within a healthy relationship, not in the toxic soup of multiple separations and divorces. It just makes things more complicated. I do see why MM does it; mainly to keep you on the 'hook' emotionally. I know that's why I did it, in the past. I wasn't healthy enough to let go.

 

Ending a marriage is no picnic. My sympathies. One day at a time. I'm now in year three of my process (since the EA began). Hope you find a balance that's healthy for you :)

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whichwayisup
Just remember ONE thing MBEG...he didn't choose you. You are simply the only option left.

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

The dynamtic between you and the MM has been so unhealthy and full of manipulation on both sides. Not malicously, but selfishly..

 

If you get involved with him now, that unhealthy 'affair' dynamic is still there.

 

Let this go for a while, focus on you, and be alone. IF he actually divorces his wife and atleast 6 months goes by, he's in a better place, and you're in a better place, then CASUALLY 'date' him. Start fresh and take it slow.

 

One more thing. Saying it means nothing without actions. More empty words and promises.

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Jennie -

 

i think you are absolutely right. afterwards the explanations and apologies from dday paint a much different picture than what it feels while you are living it. unfortunately, that does not negate the pain and confusion that these actions cause. i think that its something you can work through. just may take a little effort.

 

i also think that things are pointing in the right direction. not sure its there yet...and so im wondering if i'll know when its finally the right time to open up again, or if maybe its there and im just scared to take that jump.

 

i realize there are flip-flops. i too am guilty of this.

 

the most important thing in my mind is that if during the affair he would have come to me to tell me he wanted to be with me that i would tell him to address the issues with his wife FIRST. seems they tried to do this. so I dont feel ANY negativity towards this. I'm glad it happened.

 

" ..afterwards the explanations and apologies from dday.."

 

so he apologised for not divorcing his wife just after dday .?

I guess both of u had promised each other about leaving ur marriages during the affair & he didn't keep the promise , right ?

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