Why can't the MM tell the truth? *spin off*

[MizzBlue72]

This is a spin off of the text received from BS.

Everyone talks about the OW telling the truth.

What about the MM or MW telling the truth??

It's OK for them to continue to lie, but the OM/OW should be the bigger person?

[califnan]

This is a spin off of the text received from BS.

Everyone talks about the OW telling the truth.

What about the MM or MW telling the truth??

It's OK for them to continue to lie, but the OM/OW should be the bigger person?

 

------------------

 

None of them are the "bigger person" ... But with the married persons: Cheating and lying - go hand in hand .. If one cheats they will lie - to cover over the cheating, if for no other reason - also to give excuse for the cheating .. ..

[Fallen Angel]

This is a spin off of the text received from BS.

Everyone talks about the OW telling the truth.

What about the MM or MW telling the truth??

It's OK for them to continue to lie, but the OM/OW should be the bigger person?

 

Sometimes they DO tell the truth.

 

During our D-day my sweethearts wife asked if he loved me, he answered YES.

 

He told the truth about our relationship, how it started, how long it had been going on etc etc... (but refused to disclose any of my personal details or information about me)

 

But he did tell her he would end it. I think at the time he thought he would... I do not imagine he would be honest about all the details, and then purposefully lie about that. *shrug* It appears him letting me go was not as easy for him to do as to say he would do.

 

But I do not think his intention was to lie to her, he just was not able to follow through with letting go of the woman he had fallen in love with.

[bentnotbroken]

I would say that cheaters are liars by nature, so why would the expectation be that they would tell the wife the truth? Omission is still a lie. Saying they won't see the AP and still doing so makes them a liar.

[carhill]

Why? Barring sociopathy, meaning they lie about everything, fear.

 

Truth and transparency is a great path to divorce, or at least it was for myself.

[bentnotbroken]

Why? Barring sociopathy, meaning they lie about everything, fear.

 

Truth and transparency is a great path to divorce, or at least it was for myself.

 

 

Different paths same result. We took the lying gas lighting path.

[crazycatlady]

I think fear is a big motivator. And I also think that there is an attempt to try and minimize the pain they have caused (or should if they told the truth). In some cases.

[carhill]

I can say I sleep OK at night. I don't know if I could have following another path. Funny thing is, same person threw me under the bus (as an OM) a generation ago. One would think I'd have learned. Nuh-uh.

[2sunny]

if he/she keeps the lie going, he/she gets to keep the benefits going.

 

sometimes they actually begin to believe their own lies...

[bentnotbroken]

if he/she keeps the lie going, he/she gets to keep the benefits going.

 

sometimes they actually begin to believe their own lies...

 

 

Yup I know Mr. Messy did. Probably still does since I made him cheat:rolleyes:.

[pureinheart]

Sometimes they DO tell the truth.

 

During our D-day my sweethearts wife asked if he loved me, he answered YES.

 

He told the truth about our relationship, how it started, how long it had been going on etc etc... (but refused to disclose any of my personal details or information about me)

 

But he did tell her he would end it. I think at the time he thought he would... I do not imagine he would be honest about all the details, and then purposefully lie about that. *shrug* It appears him letting me go was not as easy for him to do as to say he would do.

 

But I do not think his intention was to lie to her, he just was not able to follow through with letting go of the woman he had fallen in love with.

 

 

Yep...check this out FA, I was just reminded of this in Stella's thread. One of my exH's that had an A confessed without me even asking...the OW did too. I knew, but I asked a simple question and it's like they both couldn't wait to confess.

 

Sure there are some people that aren't very cool, although people for the mostpart have good hearts.

[pureinheart]

I think fear is a big motivator. And I also think that there is an attempt to try and minimize the pain they have caused (or should if they told the truth). In some cases.

 

CCL, I agree with what WF said in the other thread...you give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if it may not be deserved...your a gem, more precious than gold, diamonds...well you know!

[pureinheart]

This is a spin off of the text received from BS.

Everyone talks about the OW telling the truth.

What about the MM or MW telling the truth??

It's OK for them to continue to lie, but the OM/OW should be the bigger person?

 

 

This is an excellent topic, and I love your reply in Stella's thread...wow, I love the people in LS, so many thought provoking statements/themes/topics/replies/posts/etc.

 

I think exDM feared truth, as he walked in a lack thereof.

 

Personally I don't think the OW is a part of the M, i realise this is not a shared opinion, although I lived it on more than one occasion as a BS. Nobody owes me anything ever.

 

Also I think the MM, if he wants to keep his M intact should do as he sees fit. He's the one that knows his W and what she can handle.

 

One size definitely doesn't fit all....

[OWoman]

This is a spin off of the text received from BS.

Everyone talks about the OW telling the truth.

What about the MM or MW telling the truth??

It's OK for them to continue to lie, but the OM/OW should be the bigger person?

 

I think the expectation is that the BS ipso facto would not believe a word the WS is saying, given the WS's interest in keeping up a facade to the BS, while the OW just MIGHT have an interest in telling the "truth" - or at least, not stand to gain from lying in quite the same way as the WS. And for some OWs this does seem to be the case - a number of OWs have stated that, if the BW approached them, they'd be honest with her (either because their integrity demands it, or because they feel it would be in their interests to do so, since all players would then be operating with the same basis of knowledge and could make the "best" decisions on the basis of that knowledge).

 

Other OWs feel differently - that "squealing" to the BS would be like running to tell teacher the minute the illicit playground game stops working in your favour; or that it's "not the OW's place" to tell; or that their primary loyalty lies with the WS, and so their integrity demands that they don't tell... etc.

 

I think the OW should do whatever she can most easily live with, and whatever will bring her fewest regrets (insofar as she can picture outcomes - which, of course, one never can do without the benefit of hindsight).

[Brokenlady]

This is a spin off of the text received from BS.

Everyone talks about the OW telling the truth.

What about the MM or MW telling the truth??

It's OK for them to continue to lie, but the OM/OW should be the bigger person?

 

It isn't ok. But it's presumed that they lie, they couldn't be in an A at all without lying.

[greengoddess]

It isn't ok. But it's presumed that they lie, they couldn't be in an A at all without lying.

 

as does the ow ususally when she begins the affair. The ow normally lies to all her friends and family either about having a relationship or about the mm's marital status. She'll lie and tell her friends she doesn't want to go out when she's planning to have mm over etc etc. It just keeps piling on till the lies feel natural.

[greengoddess]

Sometimes they DO tell the truth.

 

During our D-day my sweethearts wife asked if he loved me, he answered YES.

 

He told the truth about our relationship, how it started, how long it had been going on etc etc... (but refused to disclose any of my personal details or information about me)

 

 

How do you know this? Because he told you so? Most women if told I am in love with someone else say pack your bags now and throw them out.

[Fallen Angel]

as does the ow ususally when she begins the affair. The ow normally lies to all her friends and family either about having a relationship or about the mm's marital status. She'll lie and tell her friends she doesn't want to go out when she's planning to have mm over etc etc. It just keeps piling on till the lies feel natural.

 

While I am sure that this is true for some OW it is certainly not true for all of us. I for one have been very honest with my friends and family about my relationship, and the maritial status of My Sweetheart.

 

I do not lie about not wanting to go out.. if I am not going because I am devoting that evening to My Sweetheart, I tell them so. I also ask them not to call during that time, as I am patently unavailable for all but an emergency situation during his time with us (my children and I.) Likewise, I do not call and interrupt them when they are having dinner with their families. I do not expect them to go out shopping or for coffee when their spouse/SO has come home from work.

 

If they are your friends and loved ones, your relationship with them is about honesty and mutual respect, why lie?

[Fallen Angel]

How do you know this? Because he told you so? Most women if told I am in love with someone else say pack your bags now and throw them out.

 

Yes, he told me so. It was also confirmed by a woman who is a "friend of the family" and knows his wife, and was privy to information about what took place as related by his wife.

[greengoddess]

Yes, he told me so. It was also confirmed by a woman who is a "friend of the family" and knows his wife, and was privy to information about what took place as related by his wife.

 

So one of the wifes friends actually told you the mistress what her and her husband talked about? That's horrible. This is a woman the wife confided in about her marriage and the pain of her husbands betrayal and she ran and told you?

[Fallen Angel]

So one of the wifes friends actually told you the mistress what her and her husband talked about? That's horrible. This is a woman the wife confided in about her marriage and the pain of her husbands betrayal and she ran and told you?

 

She is a "friend of the family" yes. And she and I have become friends, yes.

 

Did she "run and tell" me? No. In fact at that time she and I did not know each other. But yes, she did confirm to me that what My Sweetheart told me was indeed the truth.

[Spark1111]

I think the expectation is that the BS ipso facto would not believe a word the WS is saying, given the WS's interest in keeping up a facade to the BS, while the OW just MIGHT have an interest in telling the "truth" - or at least, not stand to gain from lying in quite the same way as the WS. And for some OWs this does seem to be the case - a number of OWs have stated that, if the BW approached them, they'd be honest with her (either because their integrity demands it, or because they feel it would be in their interests to do so, since all players would then be operating with the same basis of knowledge and could make the "best" decisions on the basis of that knowledge).

 

Other OWs feel differently - that "squealing" to the BS would be like running to tell teacher the minute the illicit playground game stops working in your favour; or that it's "not the OW's place" to tell; or that their primary loyalty lies with the WS, and so their integrity demands that they don't tell... etc.

 

I think the OW should do whatever she can most easily live with, and whatever will bring her fewest regrets (insofar as she can picture outcomes - which, of course, one never can do without the benefit of hindsight).

 

Yep, as a fBS spouse, this about sums it up for me in a nutshell.

 

You do not believe a word the fWS tells you upon the shock and discovery of their affair.

 

Plus, in all the ensuing emotional chaos that ensues after DDAY, they often try to minimize the OW/and or the affair to preserve the marriage, their family stability, the affair or all three.

 

Hey, but if you are fine with that, then okay, protect whomever you want.

 

If my fWS thought he was NOW going to protect MY feelings by minimizing you and the affair, he was sadly mistaken.

 

The pain was caused by the deceptiveness of his actions, IMHO.

 

Continuing to lie, omit details or minimize the truth is soooooo self-serving to HIM, not the OW or the wife, no matter how he spins it to both of us.

 

He is not afraid of hurting my feelings; hell, he is not so afraid of hurting the OW's feelings.

 

He is MORE afraid of facing the painful consequences to his own actions, from both the OW and the wife.

 

Trust me on this, he counts on, no prays for that you will not return my phone call and tell me the truth.

[greengoddess]

She is a "friend of the family" yes. And she and I have become friends, yes.

 

Did she "run and tell" me? No. In fact at that time she and I did not know each other. But yes, she did confirm to me that what My Sweetheart told me was indeed the truth.

 

I guess you can't trust anyone can you? I hope the wife knows this woman is not trustworthy and for your sake I hope you don't trust her either.

 

Can you imagine going through the pain of betrayal and being lied to daily and then going to a friend for support and have them tell the ow? Unbelievable. Very sad.

[greengoddess]

While I am sure that this is true for some OW it is certainly not true for all of us. I for one have been very honest with my friends and family about my relationship, and the maritial status of My Sweetheart.

 

I do not lie about not wanting to go out.. if I am not going because I am devoting that evening to My Sweetheart, I tell them so. I also ask them not to call during that time, as I am patently unavailable for all but an emergency situation during his time with us (my children and I.) Likewise, I do not call and interrupt them when they are having dinner with their families. I do not expect them to go out shopping or for coffee when their spouse/SO has come home from work.

 

If they are your friends and loved ones, your relationship with them is about honesty and mutual respect, why lie?

So you think most ow tell their friends they are "dating" a married man?

[Fallen Angel]

So you think most ow tell their friends they are "dating" a married man?

 

I can not speak to "most" I can only speak for myself. For me I have been honest with my family and friends. I am not ashamed of loving him, why should I lie about it?