the drama

[torranceshipman]

I really liked a statement I saw on my friends' MySpace recently and thought I'd share it...she said that 'today and in the future, we can collect all the drama, misery or happiness that we want'. It's a nice thought, and made me think...being involved in an A means collecting a lot of drama and misery (for at least one person in the equation, anyway!). Whilst a lot of non-OW say OW can't have any self esteem, etc, I wonder if that is always true. I think it may be more the case that some people still enjoy or don't have boundaries for, drama. I can't be bothered with any drama and will simply walk away when I see it as a result - that would end a LOT of fledgling A's in their tracks if a lot of potential OW had a no-drama policy too.

 

Anyway, I wondered what you all think...and thought it might be worth passing on as an idea for people in NC, or who are dealing with MM who won't leave them alone when they are trying to move on...maybe just adopting a zero drama policy would make it easier to turn down and see through the BS and stay strong in moving on, or not putting up with flip-flopping..

[Woggle]

A lot of people deep down like drama though.

[jennie-jennie]

I think it's not just not having boundaries for drama, it's not having boundaries, period.

At least in my experience.

 

Just because someone's boundaries differ from yours does not mean they do not have any boundaries.

[Fallen Angel]

I really liked a statement I saw on my friends' MySpace recently and thought I'd share it...she said that 'today and in the future, we can collect all the drama, misery or happiness that we want'. It's a nice thought, and made me think...being involved in an A means collecting a lot of drama and misery (for at least one person in the equation, anyway!). Whilst a lot of non-OW say OW can't have any self esteem, etc, I wonder if that is always true. I think it may be more the case that some people still enjoy or don't have boundaries for, drama. I can't be bothered with any drama and will simply walk away when I see it as a result - that would end a LOT of fledgling A's in their tracks if a lot of potential OW had a no-drama policy too.

 

Anyway, I wondered what you all think...and thought it might be worth passing on as an idea for people in NC, or who are dealing with MM who won't leave them alone when they are trying to move on...maybe just adopting a zero drama policy would make it easier to turn down and see through the BS and stay strong in moving on, or not putting up with flip-flopping..

 

It is exactly right, and I choose to collect my happiness. And so that is what I do.

[Just a stone's throw]

One of the good things about my exAP/MM is that he wouldn't tolerate drama. If I gravitated toward it because of what was transpiring between us, it was quickly dealt with and put to bed (no pun intended). Most drama comes from a lack of appropriate communication (IMO) which electronic communication in this day and age is a contributor to (not soley responsibile because you have to choose to communicate electronically). Again, just my opinion.

[torranceshipman]

I am finding this thread to be quite an eye opener - it is the tolerance for drama that I am most interested in, and posters so far (on this thread) have not commented on their own drama, though it is clear that their R's have it in spades. Has anyone walked away because they got tired of the drama?

[jj33]

I did initially some years ago but it didnt stop the drama. It was the back and forth at a certain point and the pain it caused me that led to drama or felt like drama.

 

But I have found that didnt stop the drama. That is my fault to a large degree because I still respond to him. He pushes and pushes and pushes until he gets a response and eventually he finds something (none of it to do with the former A) that is such a sensitive topic that I respond.

 

Due to the amount of time that has elapsed since it ended there has been more drama since it ended than during hte A. But its silly and it has wound down to a large extent. There is very little drama and when he does something to upset me know I dont discuss it with him or respond I just sa well that is how he is being and there is nothing I can do about it.

[StoptheDrama]

I am finding this thread to be quite an eye opener - it is the tolerance for drama that I am most interested in, and posters so far (on this thread) have not commented on their own drama, though it is clear that their R's have it in spades. Has anyone walked away because they got tired of the drama?

 

That is exactly why I ended my A - that and I could no longer recognize the person I was becoming. I normally have very little tolerance for drama & games but, by believing in my xMM, that is precisely what my life became full of. The only roller coasters I like are in amusement parks, not my day-to-day life.

[califnan]

Believe me, watching the Soaps would be an easier life - than being put through a relationship - with someone who is not available..

[threebyfate]

It never fails to amaze me how much crap people will take within relationships. This isn't just applicable to OW/OMs.

[White Flower]

I really liked a statement I saw on my friends' MySpace recently and thought I'd share it...she said that 'today and in the future, we can collect all the drama, misery or happiness that we want'. It's a nice thought, and made me think...being involved in an A means collecting a lot of drama and misery (for at least one person in the equation, anyway!). Whilst a lot of non-OW say OW can't have any self esteem, etc, I wonder if that is always true. I think it may be more the case that some people still enjoy or don't have boundaries for, drama. I can't be bothered with any drama and will simply walk away when I see it as a result - that would end a LOT of fledgling A's in their tracks if a lot of potential OW had a no-drama policy too.

 

Anyway, I wondered what you all think...and thought it might be worth passing on as an idea for people in NC, or who are dealing with MM who won't leave them alone when they are trying to move on...maybe just adopting a zero drama policy would make it easier to turn down and see through the BS and stay strong in moving on, or not putting up with flip-flopping..

Drama is an interesting subject. I grew up in a drama-free house but also noticed that things were drab, even depressing with some members in the family living with depression. Some drama is good as it is invigorating and exciting but of course there should be balance in everything.

 

I remember receiving some earrings in the mail that my mother let us order from a catalog. When the package came in I jumped up and down laughing hysterically and she said to stop overreacting. She really didn't like drama which included normal levels of excitement. We were to be ladies but the strict enforement tended to lead to a forced quietness, an unfulfilled emotional state in what should have been a really happy moment.

 

Having said all that, (whew!) I have learned that if I don't stay in the moment and really feel it I may pass up an opportunity that is so wonderful and meaningful.

 

I have experienced many wonderful and exciting moments with MM keeping this promise to myself to feel each moment. And when there have been breakups I have also told myself to sift out what was real and what was overdramatized and called BS on the overdramatized. I think he found respect in my keeping it real because he was used to getting his way and somebody showed him!

 

Anyway, as long as we can differentiate the good drama (excitement, exhilaration, emotional intoxication) from the bad drama (attention for attention's sake) then we should do fine.

[OWoman]

I really liked a statement I saw on my friends' MySpace recently and thought I'd share it...she said that 'today and in the future, we can collect all the drama, misery or happiness that we want'. It's a nice thought, and made me think...being involved in an A means collecting a lot of drama and misery (for at least one person in the equation, anyway!). Whilst a lot of non-OW say OW can't have any self esteem, etc, I wonder if that is always true. I think it may be more the case that some people still enjoy or don't have boundaries for, drama. I can't be bothered with any drama and will simply walk away when I see it as a result - that would end a LOT of fledgling A's in their tracks if a lot of potential OW had a no-drama policy too.

 

Anyway, I wondered what you all think...and thought it might be worth passing on as an idea for people in NC, or who are dealing with MM who won't leave them alone when they are trying to move on...maybe just adopting a zero drama policy would make it easier to turn down and see through the BS and stay strong in moving on, or not putting up with flip-flopping..

 

There was drama on the fringes of my last A (owing to his xW's condition) but none of my previous As had any drama at all, during the A. (One had some subsequently). I found As to be far lower in drama than Rs with SGs, who would be quick to cling, to lose boundaries, to crowd me, etc. I prefer my excitement in the bedroom

[pureinheart]

I am finding this thread to be quite an eye opener - it is the tolerance for drama that I am most interested in, and posters so far (on this thread) have not commented on their own drama, though it is clear that their R's have it in spades. Has anyone walked away because they got tired of the drama?

 

That is exactly why I ended my A - that and I could no longer recognize the person I was becoming. I normally have very little tolerance for drama & games but, by believing in my xMM, that is precisely what my life became full of. The only roller coasters I like are in amusement parks, not my day-to-day life.

 

It is evident how "StoptheDrama" feels about drama...lol:D. WF answered my question concerning the good drama, as I thought there might be good/happy drama, and also agree that this is an interesting topic.

 

Concerning my view on it...StoptheDrama explained that quite well concerning exDM

 

I was raised not to call attention to yourself in negative ways. People quite literally ended up not on this earth anymore by wrong thinking or anothers wrong thinking or actions...

 

I love the "humm drum" and the fun...excitement in the negative is just that to me, negative...

 

Excellent topic BTW...

[MizzBlue72]

hmmm - you know, anything really worth it is worth fighting for. That is my opinion.

Do I like drama? No.

 

Does drama sometimes come my way? It sure does, but I really try NOT to get involved in drama.

 

It's unfortunate that the relationship that I am in started as an A. I am lucky I guess - we had no real drama. We have had our fair share of discussions, and decisions that needed to be made, but drama? Not since I made the decision to stick it out with him.

 

Great topic

[Got it]

Do I like drama? No, not in general.

 

Did my affair have drama? Sure, at times.

 

Have other relationships of mine had drama? Sure, there were times of tension, miscommunication, etc.

 

Have I walked away from drama with my affair? Yes after a dday. At that point I walked away and told him to focus on those issues and decide what he wants to do.

 

What constitute drama? What constitutes high level, or more importantly, low level?

[torranceshipman]

Hmm, interesting question - what DOES constitute drama? I'd be interested to hear posters responses. I'd say anything where the person causes you hurt, pain, worry, insecurity, etc, for a flippant or unnecessary/unhealthy reason is drama (occasionally a healthy R might mean one person causes all those feelings, e.g. through losing their job, getting ill, getting in an accident, etc, so you are made to feel bad by them, but not in an 'unnecessary drama' way).

 

I'd extend the question to ask...wouldn't it be fair to say that as soon as you are seeing unnecessary drama, it is a sign that you are in an unhealthy R so you need to walk away or tell the person to sort themselves out? Because I would guess that a R where you allow drama to fester is always likely to fail.

[Got it]

Hmm, interesting question - what DOES constitute drama? I'd be interested to hear posters responses. I'd say anything where the person causes you hurt, pain, worry, insecurity, etc, for a flippant or unnecessary/unhealthy reason is drama (occasionally a healthy R might mean one person causes all those feelings, e.g. through losing their job, getting ill, getting in an accident, etc, so you are made to feel bad by them, but not in an 'unnecessary drama' way).

 

I'd extend the question to ask...wouldn't it be fair to say that as soon as you are seeing unnecessary drama, it is a sign that you are in an unhealthy R so you need to walk away or tell the person to sort themselves out? Because I would guess that a R where you allow drama to fester is always likely to fail.

 

Okay, if a significant other does not value holidays like you do and thusly doesn't care about celebrating, or care as much, is that drama?

 

If a significant other does not manage their time properly so is habitually late to things or overextends themselves is that drama?

 

If you feel like your significant other is not sensitive to your feelings like you desire, they say they feel like they do but you are too sensitive, is that drama?

 

I would argue all of the above can constitute drama but does not neccessary constitute ending a relationship. When two people are involved and are trying to come together in a relationship, you are going to have conflict and thusly drama. I think what needs to be looked at is not drama, as I think that is a subjective word and the bar is set differently for each person, but look at the question, does my significant other show coping skills that I find suitable for a relationship with me and values and respencts my needs, wants, desires.

 

If the above is true then I think you have the makings of a good relationship. Is there drama in an EMR? Yep. Does it mean that there is more drama in an EMR than any other relationship? Not necessarily. It depends on the two individuals and how they address things.

 

One has to also look at themselves, their coping mechanisms and see, are they drama inducing? If so then no matter whom the other party is, there will always be drama.

 

The one thing that an EMR has to have is a clear understanding of your own needs, wants, desires, and boundaries.

 

One more point/question, what constitute unnecessary drama? By linking drama to unnecessary you are implying that there maybe necessary drama? Okay. If that is the case, how much is too much?

[StoptheDrama]

Hmm, interesting question - what DOES constitute drama? I'd be interested to hear posters responses. I'd say anything where the person causes you hurt, pain, worry, insecurity, etc, for a flippant or unnecessary/unhealthy reason is drama (occasionally a healthy R might mean one person causes all those feelings, e.g. through losing their job, getting ill, getting in an accident, etc, so you are made to feel bad by them, but not in an 'unnecessary drama' way).

 

I'd extend the question to ask...wouldn't it be fair to say that as soon as you are seeing unnecessary drama, it is a sign that you are in an unhealthy R so you need to walk away or tell the person to sort themselves out? Because I would guess that a R where you allow drama to fester is always likely to fail.

 

Very good questions, torranceshipman. To me drama equates to games and manipulation - INTENTIONAL, DELIBERATE & UNNECESSARY nonsense. Not the normal stresses/excitement of everyday life and relationships or the occasional random mishaps that occur along the way.

 

In my previous relationships as soon as my drama-meter went off I was always quick to address it. I believe that it is indicative of a problem within the relationship but does not necessarily mean that the entire relationship is unhealthy. That depends upon the underlying situation causing the drama - if that situation can be resolved, it can bring the couple closer and enable one or both partners to develop better coping skills. However, if the underlying situation cannot be resolved or the drama is prevalent and pervasive, I believe that denotes the relationship as a whole unhealthy and it is time to walk away. That's just my two cents...

[OWoman]

Hmm, interesting question - what DOES constitute drama? I'd be interested to hear posters responses. I'd say anything where the person causes you hurt, pain, worry, insecurity, etc, for a flippant or unnecessary/unhealthy reason is drama

 

By that token, none of my As had any drama. There was never any hurt, pain, worry or insecurity (at least, not to me...) for any reason, flippant or otherwise. To experience that kind of thing, you have to be deeply invested.

 

No investment = no pain / hurt / worry / insecurity = no drama.

 

So I'd argue that As are far healthier than Rs with SGs, since so many of them (the SGs) bring drama (by being over-invested), by that definition

[torranceshipman]

What great answers...

 

I agree with OW that what passes as drama might be specific to each couple (which is why boundaries are so important?), but in a general sense, the quote by StopTheDrama, of drama constituting anything intentional, deliberate or unnecessary is bang on the mark...

 

Perhaps anything that is done to elicit an emotional response - to push buttons, as it were - that is intentional, deliberate or unnecessary - PLUS consideration of whether it also expressly oversteps boundaries specific to the couple in question - = drama you should never tolerate, because it is an unhealthy R environment - and therefore...a R that you need to put the brakes on?