serah Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 Hi all, I've been following along quietly for a while now, but I've been really struggling recently and was hoping to get some advice. Long story short-- I became involved with an MM who was separated from his wife at the time and preparing for divorce. If only I would have discovered these forums earlier-- I wouldn't have been so blind-sided when he decided, six months later, to move back home "for the kids". We were good friends beforehand, and I miss his friendship as much as I miss the other things we shared. He, of course, wants to stay close friends. I want to, too-- but wonder if this is destructive for me. I'm single and worry if I'll ever move on. He doesn't really have to move on. Anyway, I still see him often at work, so NC is not a possibility-- but has anyone out there successfully stayed friends after a relationship like this? Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 Remaining friends under the conditions you described would be nearly impossible. The fact you and this man had a relationship during his seperation would be a huge source of tension. It might well undermine his marriage. I also have to wonder--please forgive me--about your motives. In my experience, people determined to stay friends with an ex-lover almost always do so in hopes of rekindling the relationship in the future. That would also obviously undermine his marriage. I would walk away from this situation, and take this as the lesson: in nearly all cases, a MM will choose his wife over the OW. Not because he necessarily likes the wife better, but because staying married is just so much easier. In the future, only get involved with men AFTER they're divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serah Posted March 20, 2010 Author Share Posted March 20, 2010 Lesson learned, ADF. I was very naive. I've never regretted anything more in my life. And I do see your points about the difficulty of remaining friends. It's very hard to remove him from my life completely. I think about my past romantic relationships, and I'm still friends with almost all of my exes (in some cases, this took time)-- but I know this particular situation is very different. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 He, of course, wants to stay close friends. I want to, too-- but wonder if this is destructive for me. I'm single and worry if I'll ever move on. I think it would be destructive for you to try to stay close friends. First, it won't be possible to be as close as before you started seeing him, because he will be reconciling with his wife and getting closer with her. Do you really want to hear about family vacations and summer barbecues and whatnot? I think that might be painful for you. Also, having the relationship with him changes the friendship anyway. The friendship could never be what it was before. The friendship developed partly because there was an attraction, so even before the relationship, it wasn't just a "pure" friendship organically grown. He paid attention because he was attracted to you, and vice versa. That's why you got to know each other well enough to start dating. So it won't feel right to you, and you'll end up sad that the quality of the friendship isn't what it used to be. Most of all, though, is what you said. It would keep you from moving on. And moving on is the best thing for you right now. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelylove Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 First post, I've lurked here a loooong time. I'm in the same situation... my MM is seperated now, divorce papers are filed... but he's being all wishy washy and really hurting my feelings. We also were friends... for eight count em eight years, working side by side... still do... he told me before "I'll always love you, and want to be your friend forever" blah blah blah... do yourself a favor and forget it. It hurts too much. I am friends with one of my exes... we talk on the phone from time to time about our relationships... but that's an odd relationship and unusual, even I can't believe I feel like he's a brother now, lol. I was with him for four years and we were engaged... our break was mutual and gradual over a period of a year. A MM going back to his wife is so... painful. He told me all the things I wanted to hear, still does... he's not back yet and swears they're not going to be together, but I can just FEEL IT. I'm really getting jaded on men, GAH. Sorry for your pain. I wish we could go back to being just friends too. He pursued me for YEARS. Not blaming him, but he should have left me alone like I told him a million times... now he's pulling back because he "has" me. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 I agree with the posts here. I'm sorry sereh for the turnaround in his decision. If you love him, you should walk away. Getting over him and moving on will be hard enough without keeping little parts of his attention as they will hold you back. Wish him well and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_orchid Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 Hi Serah i would just get on with your life for now and not try to have too close a friendship, as the things he's doing to mend the marriage won't be nice for you to hear about. He clearly wants the friendship still because you must have made a big impression on him and he still needs you in some way in his life. That means he still has feelings for you and wants to keep tabs on you should his relationship with his W go wrong and end completely which there's every chance that it could... they got almost to divorce didn't they and in my experience, every couple i know who have split up eventually went through a spilt and getting back together again before the final split... but you don't know that is going to happen... so i'd treat it as over between you two for your own sake and act happy and look great around him, and decline too close a friendship, he's just having it all, that ain't fair!! He might realise he wants you after all (not sure if you want HIM?). Link to post Share on other sites
Author serah Posted March 20, 2010 Author Share Posted March 20, 2010 Thanks everyone for the advice. It feels nice to finally step out and write something. I've been dealing with this alone for a long while. lovelylove-- I feel for you, and I hope things work out. In my case, he had been living in his own apartment, ready to move into something more permanent... he went out, found the new apartment, and then the day before his lease on the old place ran out, he confessed to me that he couldn't go through with the more permanent move and went home. I agree-- hurts so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 ((((((hugs sereh)))))) Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_orchid Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 Serah you're not alone, i thought I was alone too, but was amazed to find so many people in difficult situations on here. Sorry for what you've been through, it must have been awful when he went back. How long ago was all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serah Posted March 20, 2010 Author Share Posted March 20, 2010 Thanks, Hazy. I wish I could get really angry at him and not WANT to keep him in my life, but mostly I just feel sadness and loss. Edit: and thanks, pink orchid, too. This happened almost three months ago, but it hasn't gotten much easier since then. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a stone's throw Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 (forgive me sereh for taking this one step farther) but I have read all the posts thus far and my situation is very similar, worked together now don't, but exMM and I live in same community and more than that, he helped me get my current position (which everyone knows about) with a former colleague of his based on his recommendation of me and our "friendship". So the expectation now is yep, we're friends and we'll be expected to "socialize" in that manner when the colleague comes to town. Uncomfortable to say the least. So the question is, what do you do if "Friendship" can't continue due to the afore mentioned reasons yet you need to "keep up appearances" b/c of your professional connections. How do you handle that without making yourself crazy? Trying to be proactive here for those who will likely be presented with this situation in the near future. Any experience with this from former APs who were workfriends also? Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 I think he needs u and likes your company..may b he wants u beside him.But my suggestion is that just do what your heart says With all respect, these forums are full of people who did what their heart said, me included for some time, and as a result have to spend a long time trying to put them back together again. Sometimes, it's for the sake of the heart that we should do the opposite of what it says. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serah Posted March 20, 2010 Author Share Posted March 20, 2010 With all respect, these forums are full of people who did what their heart said, me included for some time, and as a result have to spend a long time trying to put them back together again. Sometimes, it's for the sake of the heart that we should do the opposite of what it says. Agreed, Hazy. The frustrating thing is that I DID follow my HEAD for a long time. When he initially began to pursue me, I asked him to forget about me and work on his marriage. He and his wife went to counseling, apparently tried to work things out, etc-- and he came back and said that he had tried, that the marriage had been bad from the beginning, that his friends and family supported him in his decision to divorce. I still kept my distance. He separated from his wife, and he continued to tell me how much he loved me, never felt this way about anyone in his life, begged me to just give him a chance to make me happy-- and finally my heart got in the way, and I gave him a chance. After spending some time on these forums, I can see how foolish I was to listen to my heart! Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 (edited) Agreed, Hazy. The frustrating thing is that I DID follow my HEAD for a long time. When he initially began to pursue me, I asked him to forget about me and work on his marriage. He and his wife went to counseling, apparently tried to work things out, etc-- and he came back and said that he had tried, that the marriage had been bad from the beginning, that his friends and family supported him in his decision to divorce. I still kept my distance. He separated from his wife, and he continued to tell me how much he loved me, never felt this way about anyone in his life, begged me to just give him a chance to make me happy-- and finally my heart got in the way, and I gave him a chance. After spending some time on these forums, I can see how foolish I was to listen to my heart! I did the same. I think my xMM is now moving out but there is too much damage to our relationship for me to ever trust him not to hurt me. Plus, he fears too much the tension that would stem from his W and her hatred of me, and I don't want to be the reason for the tension to continue when he has a child to think about. We wouldn't make it and it's hard to face that. I'll love him, but I can't be with him, nor he with me. You'll get there, sereh. Keep posting and hold your head up. Edited March 20, 2010 by Hazyhead Link to post Share on other sites
LivingNightmareV Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 ( I dont know if I'm actually supposed to post here. fogive me if I step on any toes, but I dont know where else to go and I'm a little desperate) I'm not sure if the man has to be married in order for you to officially be condisered "The other woman" I am in a strange situation that I obviously get no sympethy for. I fell in love with my best friend and he has a girlfriend, going on 4 years. Ive known him for about 2 years. I was going out with a guy that totally crushed me and this friend was always there for me no matter how hard a abused him verbally(Some might say that is way I feel that I am "in love with him" and should just realize this and move on) He consiantly flirts with me and acts way too affectionate towards me. He's told me he loves me like a sister, like a duaghter, like apart of himself, but he's not IN love with me(Some things he does and says would suggest otherwise) It's really confusing. I never want to turn him down. Ive never has sex with him but we have fooled around. He claims he loves his girlfriend and all that. And---UGH! it's just such a long story. It's complicated as all hell. I'm coming on here and posting because I have no where else to go and I want input from someone that knows what I am going through, and (hopefully) wont just tell me to get over it and move in. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 Serah; I feel so bad for you that you must still see him at work. But in this day and age - the job must always come first. When I was very young I actually left a job because of falling in love with someone who was separated from his wife.. but now it is hardly possible to leave one's job because of the job situation. I know you have said that you have remained friends with your exs .. but it must be harder when you are the one rejected. Somehow I think it is easier to love someone - than to Like someone who has rejected you .. It is not easy to Like someone who has rejected you - or sinned against you .. Should you have enough love - to be on a friendship basis - while Protecting yourself .. I would think it would come with time and help from God.. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 ( I dont know if I'm actually supposed to post here. fogive me if I step on any toes, but I dont know where else to go and I'm a little desperate) I'm not sure if the man has to be married in order for you to officially be condisered "The other woman" I am in a strange situation that I obviously get no sympethy for. I fell in love with my best friend and he has a girlfriend, going on 4 years. Ive known him for about 2 years. I was going out with a guy that totally crushed me and this friend was always there for me no matter how hard a abused him verbally(Some might say that is way I feel that I am "in love with him" and should just realize this and move on) He consiantly flirts with me and acts way too affectionate towards me. He's told me he loves me like a sister, like a duaghter, like apart of himself, but he's not IN love with me(Some things he does and says would suggest otherwise) It's really confusing. I never want to turn him down. Ive never has sex with him but we have fooled around. He claims he loves his girlfriend and all that. And---UGH! it's just such a long story. It's complicated as all hell. I'm coming on here and posting because I have no where else to go and I want input from someone that knows what I am going through, and (hopefully) wont just tell me to get over it and move in. ----------------------- Living.. I haven't checked, but if you haven't - Be sure and post your own separate thread, so you will get more input. Yes, your "best friend" is using your affection for him - even though he continues to claim love for his girl friend. He is probably flattered, and is deceiving himself, as well.. Keep following the other stories on LS .. And it is in Your best interest to see him for the fact that he Is another who wants his cake and eat it too.. His ego will use your attraction as long as he can .. See the relationship for the way that it Hurts you, while gradually backing out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 OP, my sympathies. If your boundary of professional relations only is breached by him, consider finding work elsewhere. Such actions tell you he is not your friend and doesn't respect you nor his wife and is using your employment status to keep those 'embers' alive. If your employer has a no fraternization policy, take it up with HR if he persists. Otherwise, make it business and NC outside of that and heal yourself. You were a lover and OW prior, I'm assuming, and never had friendly contact with his family; if so, I doubt you ever will be a friend to his family and they to you. Men like to talk, convincingly (I am one and was a MM so I know), but their actions rarely lie. Best wishes to you Link to post Share on other sites
Jeff1962 Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 Serah. You and this man were sexually intimate. There will always be this tension between the both of you. I would have to say that there is no possibility of the both of you remaining friends and actually not having any sexual contact. The boundries have been crossed. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a stone's throw Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 Carhill - Thanks for the link to the 2005 how to accomplish NC. Excellent. needed that, Sereh if you have the chance at least read the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
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