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Can your partner make you happier?


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White Flower

I saw it mentioned on another thread that happiness cannot be found in another person if we are not already happy ourselves.

 

I believe it is true. Yet, we CAN enjoy our life and be happier with a partner in it, who enhances our own happiness and makes it that much better. If that weren't true, there would be no coupling, no need for M, and no need to cohabitate, right?

 

Yet, this line of thinking suggests that we should be perfect as loners, never needing anyone else to add to our life experience.

 

At what point do we know we are complete by ourselves and not seeking happiness outside of ourselves? And if our partner makes us happy(ier), how much happier are we feeling if we are already happy within?

 

OPs, MPs, and any person who has found happiness in a R feel free to respond. I am not looking for conversation in just the affair sense, but in a relationship sense.

 

 

*Other terms for happiness are whole and complete.

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crazycatlady

I have often questioned myself if I'm co-dependant because using the alternative words for happiness whole and complete, then no, I'm not with out him. I'm not always happy with him around, but I do feel whole and complete.

 

Part of the problem is the usual, I don't sleep well when he's not home. Some of it is physical, I'm not a happy camper without regular sex, and even though we have an open marriage, I don't look outside when he's gone for any lenght of time. Some of its mental, I miss what he brings to my life, the laughter, the arguments, the mental stimulation, he makes me look at the world differently.

 

I'm not entirely sure this is a healthy way to live. :o I mean, if he's gone, I can get everything done, it takes me a week or two to get sleep back in the picture, but it is harder for me to fight the depression that comes and goes, normally managable through non medication means, but then I usually need medication to handle while he's gone. Course it didn't help that the last time we were apart for any lenght of time I also quit smoking, we had significant behavioral trouble with our son, I started back to work though only very part time, and all the friends we thought were going to help me kinda disappeared. :o Oh yes and the basement flooded with backed up sewer water on christmas eve and basically it was hell. I handled all of that, but it felt as if a part of me was missing. Something vital like an arm, or a leg but not physical.

 

So I guess what I'm saying is, he makes me feel whole. Bad things that happen feel easier to manage with him there. Colors seem brighter. Sleep is deeper and better. I am better able to relax and concetrate on my needs knowing he's there to take care of things that I miss.

 

So yes, he makes me happier. Without him, I think I could be content and at ease eventually, but all the supershine I think would be faded. And I do think I would be a different person. I don't think I would be an unhappy person, not after I got use to the loss. Does that make sense?

 

CCL

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White Flower
I have often questioned myself if I'm co-dependant because using the alternative words for happiness whole and complete, then no, I'm not with out him. I'm not always happy with him around, but I do feel whole and complete.

 

Part of the problem is the usual, I don't sleep well when he's not home. Some of it is physical, I'm not a happy camper without regular sex, and even though we have an open marriage, I don't look outside when he's gone for any lenght of time. Some of its mental, I miss what he brings to my life, the laughter, the arguments, the mental stimulation, he makes me look at the world differently.

 

I'm not entirely sure this is a healthy way to live. :o I mean, if he's gone, I can get everything done, it takes me a week or two to get sleep back in the picture, but it is harder for me to fight the depression that comes and goes, normally managable through non medication means, but then I usually need medication to handle while he's gone. Course it didn't help that the last time we were apart for any lenght of time I also quit smoking, we had significant behavioral trouble with our son, I started back to work though only very part time, and all the friends we thought were going to help me kinda disappeared. :o Oh yes and the basement flooded with backed up sewer water on christmas eve and basically it was hell. I handled all of that, but it felt as if a part of me was missing. Something vital like an arm, or a leg but not physical.

 

So I guess what I'm saying is, he makes me feel whole. Bad things that happen feel easier to manage with him there. Colors seem brighter. Sleep is deeper and better. I am better able to relax and concetrate on my needs knowing he's there to take care of things that I miss.

 

So yes, he makes me happier. Without him, I think I could be content and at ease eventually, but all the supershine I think would be faded. And I do think I would be a different person. I don't think I would be an unhappy person, not after I got use to the loss. Does that make sense?

 

CCL

Yes CCL I think it makes sense. It sounds as though you are already happy within, but your happiness is amplified when your H is around except for the times that you feel you are missing a limb. What do you make of that? How can you better cope in those situations without your H being there for you? And while it is easier to cope with disasters when a partner is present we still can feel happy in general.

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pureinheart
I saw it mentioned on another thread that happiness cannot be found in another person if we are not already happy ourselves.

 

I believe it is true. Yet, we CAN enjoy our life and be happier with a partner in it, who enhances our own happiness and makes it that much better. If that weren't true, there would be no coupling, no need for M, and no need to cohabitate, right?

 

Yet, this line of thinking suggests that we should be perfect as loners, never needing anyone else to add to our life experience.

 

At what point do we know we are complete by ourselves and not seeking happiness outside of ourselves? And if our partner makes us happy(ier), how much happier are we feeling if we are already happy within?

 

OPs, MPs, and any person who has found happiness in a R feel free to respond. I am not looking for conversation in just the affair sense, but in a relationship sense.

 

 

*Other terms for happiness are whole and complete.

 

I hate being without a partner, this condition only exists because it has to be this way right now, due to me being in the healing process.

 

There is a lot for me to work on and when the time is right a relationship will happen...I just hate this right now....

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pureinheart

I hear ya CCL...you enjoy your space, although not too much...

 

I have too much and I'm tired of it ;)

 

Oh well CCL and WF, I have to wait on God to send me the right man, and I will be content in this, and have fun anyway....sorry for sounding negative, as it is all good! The right man WILL come my way, and I must prepare.

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pureinheart

Hey, not trying to tj, just wanted to say thank you as this is a difficult time, but all of you guys have made it MUCH easier...soooo in answer to your question WF, I am becoming "whole" so that the one that will "complete" me will be noticed and received for who and what he is...I can't wait to see the wonderful things that are just around the corner ;).....hope is a very good thing.....

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I saw it mentioned on another thread that happiness cannot be found in another person if we are not already happy ourselves.

 

I think that bit is the key. Another person can make you happiER, but not happy. You need to have established that baseline happiness first, within yourself, otherwise you become dependent on another to provide it for you, which is not only unhealthy but unsustainable should they leave, die, or something else happen to render them unable or unwilling to do so any longer.

 

I was happily S for years. Decades! Living my life to the full, drawing my energy from my work, my friends, my family, my home, my hobbies... and my occasional, part-time lovers. I had no need of a R as I had so many Rs of other kinds, and I loved the independence and space that that freedom gave me.

 

And, because I was happiest like that, I was constantly assailed by a never-ending stream of hopefuls hitting on me. It's always when you least NEED someone to fulfill you that you MOST get the offers... :rolleyes:

 

Anyway, you all know what happened from there - and now that I'm with someone, I'm happiER. Not that I would be unhappy alone, I'm sure I would be plenty happy... but having my partner makes me that extra bit happier.

 

But I know that if I wasn't already happy on a baseline level, by now I would be unhappy - even with my partner. Because some things you just have to provide for yourself.

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They can add to your happiness and make your life richer but you can't expect them to do everything. That is not a fair burden to place on anybody.

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I've read that 90 percent of your happiness in life is directly related to the relationship you have with your SO. So, I suppose an unhappy relationship can really make you miserable too!

 

That being said, I think the gist of the statement; "you have to be happy within yourself, before you can be truly happy with another," speaks of the unresolved emotional baggage one can bring to a romantic relationship and the undue pressure it can put on your SO, and the relationship.

 

We are all responsible for our own happiness in the sense of confidence, having high self-esteem, and good relationship skills. If we lack in those areas or personal fulfillment, we may be more prone to looking to our SO to complete us, to filling needs within us that we should be filling for ourselves.

 

Our SO should enhance our lives, as we should enhance their's; not be the mommy or daddy we DID NOT have in childhood, IMHO.

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bentnotbroken

I have always hated the line "you complete me". I felt this way for years, but I bought the bill of goods. You need to be in a relationship to be whole. I bought it and I lived a miserable existence trying to be a part of "a whole". The emptiness, the sadness, there was no way anyone could make me happy. Worse yet, there was no way I could make him happy.

 

When I found God, when I found my reason for continuing, when I found out how valuable I am, the happiness came from those discoveries. Continued happiness comes from me confronting and exorcising those things that drain the happiness, the live, the soul from me. I love me, that makes me whole. With or without( I prefer without for now)my happiness will continue to grow. :):bunny::bunny::bunny::)

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White Flower
Hey, not trying to tj, just wanted to say thank you as this is a difficult time, but all of you guys have made it MUCH easier...soooo in answer to your question WF, I am becoming "whole" so that the one that will "complete" me will be noticed and received for who and what he is...I can't wait to see the wonderful things that are just around the corner ;).....hope is a very good thing.....
Wonderful things ARE around the corner for you Pure. You already have such a sweet character and at least seem happy so I'm sure you're pretty much there.

 

Hmmm someone to 'complete you'. How about someone who will 'enhance you'?

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White Flower
I think that bit is the key. Another person can make you happiER, but not happy. You need to have established that baseline happiness first, within yourself, otherwise you become dependent on another to provide it for you, which is not only unhealthy but unsustainable should they leave, die, or something else happen to render them unable or unwilling to do so any longer.

 

I was happily S for years. Decades! Living my life to the full, drawing my energy from my work, my friends, my family, my home, my hobbies... and my occasional, part-time lovers. I had no need of a R as I had so many Rs of other kinds, and I loved the independence and space that that freedom gave me.

 

And, because I was happiest like that, I was constantly assailed by a never-ending stream of hopefuls hitting on me. It's always when you least NEED someone to fulfill you that you MOST get the offers... :rolleyes:

 

Anyway, you all know what happened from there - and now that I'm with someone, I'm happiER. Not that I would be unhappy alone, I'm sure I would be plenty happy... but having my partner makes me that extra bit happier.

 

But I know that if I wasn't already happy on a baseline level, by now I would be unhappy - even with my partner. Because some things you just have to provide for yourself.

This reminds me of how I met MM. BTW, I could have met any man this way--he didn't have to be M.

 

I generally feel uncomfortable walking into clubs and lounges because I know I'll be asked to dance and I hate the pick-up scene (especially as I was M at the time). But I told myself, 'Self, go in there and have a good time and don't worry about a thing.' So I smiled, snapped my fingers, and let loose. Up walked the love of my life.:)

 

I appeared happy within myself (and I was even though I was in an uncomfortable place) and I drew someone in--someone amazing.

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White Flower
They can add to your happiness and make your life richer but you can't expect them to do everything. That is not a fair burden to place on anybody.

Good point Woggle. I think there is a fine balance of allowing them to enhance your life but not take over aspects of your life. It is when the SO gives/takes too much that we begin having unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our SO.

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White Flower
I have always hated the line "you complete me". I felt this way for years, but I bought the bill of goods. You need to be in a relationship to be whole. I bought it and I lived a miserable existence trying to be a part of "a whole". The emptiness, the sadness, there was no way anyone could make me happy. Worse yet, there was no way I could make him happy.

 

When I found God, when I found my reason for continuing, when I found out how valuable I am, the happiness came from those discoveries. Continued happiness comes from me confronting and exorcising those things that drain the happiness, the live, the soul from me. I love me, that makes me whole. With or without( I prefer without for now)my happiness will continue to grow. :):bunny::bunny::bunny::)

You were valuable all along, you just didn't know it. It's amazing how much stronger we become when we realize this.

 

Your happiness will only continue to grow and who knows? Maybe you will attract someone with that happiness soon and not even see it coming?

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I'm not an OM/OW, but this is my take:

 

Of course they can make you happier. Lots of things can make you happier, honestly. A million dollars would make me happier. A great job would make me happier. Why is it so wrong to admit that a good partner makes me happier, too?

 

I honestly think that some people overdo the 'you don't need a partner, singlehood is the way to go, if you can't be perfectly happy by youself you shouldn't have a partner' quote. If we weren't biologically coded to at least want partners, humans would've gone extinct long ago. Sure, there are exceptions, but the general rule holds true. Why are we ashamed of it?

 

And for those who are certain that they don't WANT partners at all and prefer being single - why are they on a relationship forum?

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Fallen Angel

I understand the whole concept of being happy with yourself, but I think some people take that a bit too literally.

 

When one is "happy" with themselves, in my opinion, they are confident, capable, and content. But, and here is where I tend to get irritated by the "be happy being alone" chorus everyone is singing, people are not meant to be solitary creatures. We are social/communal creatures by nature. We are not meant to live alone. That is not to say that someone can not live a life without a romantic partner and feel fulfilled, but for the majority of us we seek romantic attachment because a life without romantic love is ultimately unfulfilling.

 

The most fulfilling relationship is when two whole people come together to complete and compliment each other. There is nothing wrong with feeling completed by your mate, it does not mean you are unhealthy emotionally. It does not mean you are co-dependant. It means you have found the person who in their wholeness, joins your wholeness and creates a new entity, a new wholeness.

 

In my opinion, it is when this happens that people are happiest. :love:

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I'm not an OM/OW, but this is my take:

 

Of course they can make you happier. Lots of things can make you happier, honestly. A million dollars would make me happier. A great job would make me happier. Why is it so wrong to admit that a good partner makes me happier, too?

 

I honestly think that some people overdo the 'you don't need a partner, singlehood is the way to go, if you can't be perfectly happy by youself you shouldn't have a partner' quote. If we weren't biologically coded to at least want partners, humans would've gone extinct long ago. Sure, there are exceptions, but the general rule holds true. Why are we ashamed of it?

 

And for those who are certain that they don't WANT partners at all and prefer being single - why are they on a relationship forum?

 

Having a good partner certainly can make life better but it is not normal to never be able to enjoy anything outside of that. People should be able to find happiness with friends's, hobbies and career because then they actually have something to share with a partner instead of just taking and taking and then resenting them when they have nothing left to give. I think that manu divorces happen because people expect their spouse to fill up the entire whole in their life and no human being can do that.

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bentnotbroken
Having a good partner certainly can make life better but it is not normal to never be able to enjoy anything outside of that. People should be able to find happiness with friends's, hobbies and career because then they actually have something to share with a partner instead of just taking and taking and then resenting them when they have nothing left to give. I think that manu divorces happen because people expect their spouse to fill up the entire whole in their life and no human being can do that.

 

 

No one person was built for that kind of pressure. It is not only depleting, it is destroying. I agree that is one of the reasons for a large number of divorces.

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crazycatlady
Yes CCL I think it makes sense. It sounds as though you are already happy within, but your happiness is amplified when your H is around except for the times that you feel you are missing a limb. What do you make of that? How can you better cope in those situations without your H being there for you? And while it is easier to cope with disasters when a partner is present we still can feel happy in general.

 

 

WF - we have had two deployments to deal with that were several months long. The deployments I felt the missing limb, short couple of week long time apart didn't make me feel that way.

 

Actually it would have been nice for some of those things to have someone's shoulder to cry on. But other then that, I would have done exactly like I did, just with someone else to complain about it to.

 

Woggle - I agree with a lot of what you are saying, spouses should be each others everything. Outside friendship and interal fortitude are important in a relationship. I also wonder if the depending on the spouse for so much isn't what brings some to cheat. Becuase the spouse isn't finding everything they need in their partner. Because you can't.

 

CCL

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fooled once

My husband enhances my life.

 

He brings me joy.

 

I would have had a nice life without him, but my life is much more enriched, much more fulfilling and filled with an abundance of love because of him.

 

But I do believe that we can't love anyone properly unless we love ourselves and I do believe we have to find happiness within and not rely on someone else to make us happy. I have a friend who is so despondent when she isn't in a relationship and she pins her happiness on the guy she is with --- and I believe because she is like this, this is why she goes through men very quickly.

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fooled once
I agree that another person enhances our lives. But that is not just romantic partners. It's family, friends, pets, etc...

 

But I would add something else in here: I wonder if it also has something to do with upbringing. I was raised to be independent and self reliant. I do just fine by myself, and don't feel I need someone else to "complete" me. However, I have a friend who was raised differently, and she just can't stand to be by herself. She'd rather be unhappy in a miserable relationship than be alone.

 

I'm not saying your upbringing is the answer, but I do think it has something to do with it.

 

I really agree with this post, especially the bolded part.

 

Many kids today have been pampered and they have no idea how to be independent, how to be on their own and how to be self reliant. It is actually very sad. Even sadder that this generation will one day be running the country *yikes!*

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I think that this is the reason for a lot of walkaway spouses. For some reason they are unhappy in life and when husband or wife does not magically change all of that they make them the scapegoat.

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White Flower
I think that this is the reason for a lot of walkaway spouses. For some reason they are unhappy in life and when husband or wife does not magically change all of that they make them the scapegoat.

Or blame the one who leaves for wrecking the 'completion' they had with him/her. It works both ways.

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White Flower

Our SO should enhance our lives, as we should enhance their's; not be the mommy or daddy we DID NOT have in childhood, IMHO.

This is where co-dependency comes in to play. It can be very difficult to distinguish whether one is asking the other partner to step up to the plate (and do something right) as any partner should be able to do when unhappy about certain behavior and acting like a parent when doing so. I suppose the answer is to ask yourself first, 'Do I sound like my mother when I do this?'.

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White Flower
I understand the whole concept of being happy with yourself, but I think some people take that a bit too literally.

 

When one is "happy" with themselves, in my opinion, they are confident, capable, and content. But, and here is where I tend to get irritated by the "be happy being alone" chorus everyone is singing, people are not meant to be solitary creatures. We are social/communal creatures by nature. We are not meant to live alone. That is not to say that someone can not live a life without a romantic partner and feel fulfilled, but for the majority of us we seek romantic attachment because a life without romantic love is ultimately unfulfilling.

 

The most fulfilling relationship is when two whole people come together to complete and compliment each other. There is nothing wrong with feeling completed by your mate, it does not mean you are unhealthy emotionally. It does not mean you are co-dependant. It means you have found the person who in their wholeness, joins your wholeness and creates a new entity, a new wholeness.

 

In my opinion, it is when this happens that people are happiest. :love:

I do feel that I am already a happy person and I know that my guy is also generally a happy person too. Together, we could rule the world!

 

I admit that when I'm with him I feel healthier, have that extra bounce in my step and am at more peace, if that is possible. I am at peace, but somehow more at peace when together if that makes sense. Like I said, he enhances me, my wellbeing.

 

He says he has the ability to joke around and be silly and have the appearance of being the happy guy (which he is most of the time) but when he misses me he finds that he often 'fakes it'. While content away from me, with me he could be better. He also claims he is calmer and more at peace while he is with me.

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