To expose or not....

[StoptheDrama]

If you had very good reason to believe that your xAP (or WS) had and/or is damaging your reputation (professionally in my case), would you expose him/her? Several things have been brought to my attention lately (professional insults, degredations, etc both internally and externally) and I am really struggling with this. I know that his wife would be hurt in the process and that is what keeps me from taking action but right now I feel really powerless to combat his nonsense and want it to stop. Part of me wants to expose him as the liar, manipulator, fraud that he is but I don't want to hurt the innocents any more than they already have.

 

As many of you may have read in my previous post, he has been unsuccessfully fishing lately. I have been trying to find another job but that is not going well and now I have good reason to believe that he may be contributing to that. So, do I fight fire with fire? I just don't know....

 

I accept my role in the A and do not blame him for my participation. I know why I did it and, more importantly, why I will never allow myself to be in that position again. I will not, however, take responsibility for his actions and should not suffer those consequences.

 

Any insight is appreciated.

[Hazyhead]

If it were me, and he was trying to hurt me in any way, I would do it. There is only so humble one can be. Good for you for wanting not to hurt anyone else, I completely admire that and would agree with you to do that if possible, but if he's hurting your career StD (ooh, unfortunate acronym ) then you have to look out for yourself.

 

Is there any way that you could give him a heads up and therefore a chance to make it right, taking away the need for you to react?

[StoptheDrama]

If it were me, and he was trying to hurt me in any way, I would do it. There is only so humble one can be. Good for you for wanting not to hurt anyone else, I completely admire that and would agree with you to do that if possible, but if he's hurting your career StD (ooh, unfortunate acronym ) then you have to look out for yourself.

 

Is there any way that you could give him a heads up and therefore a chance to make it right, taking away the need for you to react?

 

HazyHead - I've thought about approaching him directly but I don't think it would do any good. I feel my contacting him would more than likely either result in one of two responses - only encourage his fishing as he is so egotistical he would not believe that I would go through with it or encourage him to increase his attacks and I don't want to contribute to any advantage he may have. In the past I've tried the direct approach with him regarding other issues but to no avail.

 

You're right about the acronym - I didn't think of that when creating my account. I used my moniker as an expression of what I needed to do - sort of a self-help tactic

[StoptheDrama]

I'm worried this could backfire. What if he spins it that you are a just taudry homewrecker?

I'd personally tell him to know off the nonsense, or you will reveal the affair to his W. I'm not saying you should do that, but the threat of it may shut him up.

 

Jthorne - thanks for the response. I am concerned about that too. As I had feared he may do something like this, I have kept email and text correspondence illustrating the truth - that he was the instigator, that he pursued me. I was, however, a willing participant. Is it better or worse for people to know that he's lying because I ended the A and am not responding to his advances?....that I don't know....

[Hazyhead]

I see what you mean about going directly to him but I think if you were very matter-of-fact, 'This is the deal or...' then you may get the response you need. And, if that tiny bit of attention feeds his ego then, you know what, let him have it. Bless him. Clearly he's an insecure, narcissistic desparado. Look after number one here, Stop (I can't write the acronym again )

[awkward]

((StoptheDrama)) No advice but I'm sorry that you are going through this.

[Fallen Angel]

If it were me, and he was trying to hurt me in any way, I would do it. There is only so humble one can be. Good for you for wanting not to hurt anyone else, I completely admire that and would agree with you to do that if possible, but if he's hurting your career StD (ooh, unfortunate acronym ) then you have to look out for yourself.

 

Is there any way that you could give him a heads up and therefore a chance to make it right, taking away the need for you to react?

 

Sorry, just needed a laugh break. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! AAAAhahahahahahaha! I didn't notice that because I generally use whole names or parts thereof rather than the initials. Too funny!!!

 

Now.. StoptheDrama,

 

I think perhaps a letter or email explaining the behaviour that you want him to put a stop to, and a date on which, if he has not complied with your request, you will make full disclosure to his W should do the trick. If it does not, you must be prepared to follow through. If you threaten it and then do not follow through, things will only get worse for you.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

What exactly would you say to her??? I was having an affair with your H and it didn't really work out the way I planned. Infact, it turns out that he is a selfish manipulator, and is making my life miserable, so I figured I'd blow the whistle so that you could help me to get him to behave like a respectable human being.

 

After you've blown the whistle, what recourse would you have then.

 

Honestly, he doesn't sound like a real nice guy. I would think twice before threatening a man like that. If you feel the need to retaliate then by all means let his wife know but sans the "heads up".

[georgia girl]

Here's my two cents: this is very dangerous territory. First, because you both work at the same place, both of your professional reputations are on the line when you reveal - not just his, but yours as well. Unfortunately, you will be judged by a) the fact that you had a workplace affair, b) that you are choosing to discuss the affair in the workplace and c) that you are now making an allegation of misconduct based on the fallout of the affair.

 

If I were you, I would talk to him directly and not necessarilly threaten anything. I would simply ask if it has been happenning (which he'll likely deny) and then state that if it were to happen, that would be a form of harassment, slander and potentially, libel, if he were to continue to go forward with these same actions. That your clear expectation is that it will cease immediately.

 

I wouldn't do it in writing (no sense leaving a paper trail this time) and I would do it in a setting that has the expectation of privacy but is also a professional-type setting. After that, I would completely ignore anything the man said or did. Someone who would attempt to manipulate you in this way is not a friend.

 

In the end, he'll look like a cheap loser if he goes after you and you will come out looking professional by keeping personal matters out of the office place.

[georgia girl]

By the way, I forgot to add two important things:

 

1) I am a boss and I absolutely HATE it when employees bring their personal lives and personality conflicts into work and expect me to manage them. I simply don't care who you like or don't like at the office.

 

2) The only card you ever have to play against him is telling his wife. He needs that secrecy; you don't. So, while I wouldn't threaten him, the threat is implied. BUT don't outwardly threaten what you're not prepared to do. That backfires everytime.

[NoIDidn't]

Wishes and georgia girl make excellent points.

 

One part of me feels you have no recourse. But the other part thinks surely he revealed something to you during the A that you could use as your Ace without resorting to telling his W.

 

Another poster here is going through something similar and speaking to him isn't helping her. Its actually making things worst as he lives in his own reality and is totally screwing with hers.

 

I hate that you are going through this. I wish I could offer something more than what I have. Keep your head up. He'll get snared in his own game soon enough, I hope.

[White Flower]

Sorry, just needed a laugh break. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! AAAAhahahahahahaha! I didn't notice that because I generally use whole names or parts thereof rather than the initials. Too funny!!!

 

Now.. StoptheDrama,

 

I think perhaps a letter or email explaining the behaviour that you want him to put a stop to, and a date on which, if he has not complied with your request, you will make full disclosure to his W should do the trick. If it does not, you must be prepared to follow through. If you threaten it and then do not follow through, things will only get worse for you.

Trust me, he doesn't want his W to know and my guess is he thinks you're too afraid to go through with it. He will never call your bluff though. I would email him or better yet confront him face to face. That way he can never print out the email as proof against you.

[White Flower]

Here's my two cents: this is very dangerous territory. First, because you both work at the same place, both of your professional reputations are on the line when you reveal - not just his, but yours as well. Unfortunately, you will be judged by a) the fact that you had a workplace affair, b) that you are choosing to discuss the affair in the workplace and c) that you are now making an allegation of misconduct based on the fallout of the affair.

 

If I were you, I would talk to him directly and not necessarilly threaten anything. I would simply ask if it has been happenning (which he'll likely deny) and then state that if it were to happen, that would be a form of harassment, slander and potentially, libel, if he were to continue to go forward with these same actions. That your clear expectation is that it will cease immediately.

 

I wouldn't do it in writing (no sense leaving a paper trail this time) and I would do it in a setting that has the expectation of privacy but is also a professional-type setting. After that, I would completely ignore anything the man said or did. Someone who would attempt to manipulate you in this way is not a friend.

 

In the end, he'll look like a cheap loser if he goes after you and you will come out looking professional by keeping personal matters out of the office place.

Yeah...what she said!!

 

GG, you put it in better words than I did.

[StoptheDrama]

Thank you all for the insight - several very good points have been made and you've given me a lot to think about. As I've tried in the past to deal with him directly regarding several issues and those attempts blew up in my face (he threw tantrums, denying everything/gaslighting, etc),I think right now the best course of action for me is no direct action. That, however, may be subject to change when my situation changes...

 

 

Thanks to you all for your perspectives.

[Pink_orchid]

Why is he doing this to you, is he bitter and twisted about something. Can you get any legal advice on this? If a lawyer or solicitor is out of the question, even going for an initial appointment with a people's advice centre might help you know your best move. I was thinking that it could get nasty if you try and deal with it yourself, and the good thing is if you have made an enquiry about where you stand legally with this harassment/problem you will:

a) hopefully be directed about what to do for the best and it will end the matter

b) be able to protect yourself if he turns nasty; because you would have already lodged an official record of the existence of the problems he is causing you, and why, and you're covered should you need proof of it for any reason, if it all blows up at work.

Hope things work out for you.

[lovelylove]

I work in a drama-filled setting and have learned (the hard way, lol) that it is ALWAYS better to keep your chin up and your mouth shut. Always.

 

People will say this and say that, but you will make things worse by becoming defensive or even acknowledging his chatter.

 

Act like you don't know and don't care, and perform professionally, be cheerful, and your behavior will prove your character.

 

My boss told me a long time ago, when I was faced with rumors being spread about me (they were true, but verrrry personal and embarrassing), "do you really want to say anything about this?"... sure enough, a year later I am garnering respect and the rumor-spreader looks like a catty b&*(^.

 

Besides, some other more interesting and new gossip will take hold before you know it. xoxoxox

[jj33]

Here's my two cents: this is very dangerous territory. First, because you both work at the same place, both of your professional reputations are on the line when you reveal - not just his, but yours as well. Unfortunately, you will be judged by a) the fact that you had a workplace affair, b) that you are choosing to discuss the affair in the workplace and c) that you are now making an allegation of misconduct based on the fallout of the affair.

 

If I were you, I would talk to him directly and not necessarilly threaten anything. I would simply ask if it has been happenning (which he'll likely deny) and then state that if it were to happen, that would be a form of harassment, slander and potentially, libel, if he were to continue to go forward with these same actions. That your clear expectation is that it will cease immediately.

 

I wouldn't do it in writing (no sense leaving a paper trail this time) and I would do it in a setting that has the expectation of privacy but is also a professional-type setting. After that, I would completely ignore anything the man said or did. Someone who would attempt to manipulate you in this way is not a friend.

 

In the end, he'll look like a cheap loser if he goes after you and you will come out looking professional by keeping personal matters out of the office place.

 

 

I agree 100%. But why no paper trail? Stop this man wants to get to you and wants your attention. When you speak to him it has to be somewhere like a conference room (do you have a glass conference room where people can see that you are seated across from each other but you can close the door? )

 

That way he cant ever turn that into you came on to him, you were seductive with him. You can also be seen being calm and professoinal. And if he screams or gets agitated there will be spectators...

 

And then you MUST ignore him. No trying to be friends no little laughs and jokes together. If you are telling him to stay away you HAVE to stay away.