Hard cold facts. . .

[minutebyminute]

I've been pinning after a man (the other man) for almost 8 months now.

Our relationship ended abruptly, as almost devine intervention took place. All the scenarios took place, the texting, the calling, the no contact broken all on my part not his because I don't think he ever loved me the way I loved him. I left him so many holes to give him an out, but he avoided each one. FORWARD. . .

 

Recently, my step father passed away. He was a man that I admired, that never let me down, who was always there for me, who was a hard person to have ANY man match him in anyway, just a good, honest, whole person.

It made me open my eyes and realize a lot of things.

 

[i let the other man know about him, and to this day have never heard anything back from him. What a ****ing looser.]

 

I made it just in time to see my step dad die. It was a wonderful to be there with him and my mom, something I feel honored to have been a part of, but truly traumatic as anyone with a pulse or feeling could imagine.

My Husband never called my mother to tell her how sorry he was, or to just check in on her. He did call about 2 minutes before he died to see how we were doing, i told him the situation, it was sad and I told him I would call him back. I did, I told him Jack passed away, he said he was sorry and all the things you say and we said our goodbyes. I talked with him briefly everyday while I was gone and to my kids as well.

We, the family, had a goodbye to Jack Saturday night sharing stories of our memories and experiences.

We drank, cried, laughed & loved.

The next afternoon (Sun), my Husband called, my mom answered my cell,( my mom & I had been talking & nursing our over abundance), and she said to him I fell asleep, but she would wake me. Then I heard her say no, no I'll go get her, here she is -her eyes are open & handed me the phone. It was a quick call the end, but He still said nothing to my mom.

 

I left on Tuesday. My mom came to me and asked my why my H never said anything, and I just didn't want to shield him anymore. I told her I didn't know why, and she said she understood.

 

He picked me up from the airport, said little to me. When we got home I put the kids in bed and went in to say goodnight to him, I wanted to stay up. He asked me if a will was read, as my step dad promised him something they had talked about and he really wanted.

 

I just walked out. It made me so ****ing mad. I confronted him two days later asking what the **** would make him like that. He said to me, Did you ever send a note to my mom when my uncle died, did you ever call my dad when my mom died, this is a double standard, you are a hypocrite.

 

I am the only one in our relationship that keeps in touch, so I know I wrote them a note, or sent flowers, or called them, but this was 15 years ago!

He then said," I don't do that, I never have, why would I change now?"

 

The realization is this. My husband is everything I ever suspected him of being and that is a piece of ****. I picked out a lover who was the same way, a piece of ****. I have been going back and forth between THE TWO trying to feel real and thinking I was a monster for looking for outside our relationship for love, when I thought I may have had it with him, BUT I NEVER DID. Who does something like this when you need them the most? Who would do this to your mother when her spouse died?

 

I honestly thought in my heart I would come back home and try so hard with the H to make things better for me, the kids and him, but he is a real piece of work. The next day smiling as if nothing ever happened.

 

I still have to face my family, they all think he is a creep and now I know why. I never truly saw it before.

 

Here is the insecure person-am I wrong in any way, is he hurting or is he just an animal? am I being too hard wanting him to be something he is not, am I ungrateful he took care of the kids while I was gone and he was sleep deprived, or am I JUST PLAIN ****ING STUPID? He made it seem like my step father wanted him to have something of his and it meant a lot to my H, but it was so inappropriate, so tasteless, so him.

 

I would really like to hear your input on this one. Thanks

Edited March 2, 2010 by minutebyminute
not finished

[califnan]

Hello MBM;

 

Apparently he lost his uncle and his mother - and is no stranger to death.. I don't know how close he was to his mother - but maybe he feels as if he has bared enough .. Not knowing him, I am only guessing..

 

My husband divorced me - then ten years later he and my father died in the same year. It made me weary .. When my husband divorced me, and then died, it was as if I lost him twice.. The only compassion I seem to have left is for those who loose their children - or offspring .. I could not handle that - and hurt for others who go through it ..

 

Could it be that your husband has seen death - and just doesn't wish to deal with it anymore ..

 

And as for your former lover - if he was a mm, married lovers are selfish anyway ..

[Chrome Barracuda]

If your husband knows of the affair and the reason you was cheating, cut him some slack!!!

 

He didnt offer condolences, ok. maybe he's going through something right now. Maybe he's dealing with his grief in private.

 

And yes he didnt show compassion, but it's hard to show compassion to a woman who hasnt showed you much of any right?

 

It takes time to rebuild, not everything is gonna be perfect. But if you want to leave because he cannot say I'm sorry you lost your relative then hey, its your life, your choice.

 

I myself am sorry you lost your relative. I really am.

 

I hope you feel better.

[OWoman]

is he hurting or is he just an animal?

 

He lacks empathy and social skills. Whether or not he was angry with you does not excuse his behaviour towards your mother. His own history of loss does not excuse his behaviour towards your mother - if anything, it exacerbates it. Having experienced loss himself, he ought to know how to behave, and how the bereaved are likely to be feeling.

 

I'm not sure what kind of animal you've got in mind - many animals are remarkably perceptive of their owners' feelings, and respond appropriately to make them feel better. Perhaps an amoeba? A bacterium? A slug? But no, I don't really think he's an animal, just a human with stunted emotional growth.

 

If your OM was like that too, that suggests you might pick them out deliberately or subconsciously. I's spend a bit of time - in counselling, or reflection - figuring out why that might be, so that the next R you move on to can be with someone more emotionally adept.

[RedDevil66]

I'm not sure what kind of animal you've got in mind - many animals are remarkably perceptive of their owners' feelings, and respond appropriately to make them feel better. Perhaps an amoeba? A bacterium? A slug? But no, I don't really think he's an animal, just a human with stunted emotional growth.

 

.

 

For once, I have to agree with you on this.

[Confused4Now]

If your husband knows of the affair and the reason you was cheating, cut him some slack!!!

 

He didnt offer condolences, ok. maybe he's going through something right now. Maybe he's dealing with his grief in private.

 

And yes he didnt show compassion, but it's hard to show compassion to a woman who hasnt showed you much of any right?

 

It takes time to rebuild, not everything is gonna be perfect. But if you want to leave because he cannot say I'm sorry you lost your relative then hey, its your life, your choice.

 

I myself am sorry you lost your relative. I really am.

 

I hope you feel better.

For once, I have to agree with you on this.

[John Who]

Your H is no monster or assho**,he is dealing with his own problems,the W he is M to has been cheating on him.

 

Stop being selfesh,everyone is sorry for your loss,but your H has also lost something as well, give him a break.

[Samantha0905]

I've been pinning after a man (the other man) for almost 8 months now.

Our relationship ended abruptly, as almost devine intervention took place. All the scenarios took place, the texting, the calling, the no contact broken all on my part not his because I don't think he ever loved me the way I loved him. I left him so many holes to give him an out, but he avoided each one. FORWARD. . .

 

If you're still pining for him, your husband probably knows this. Even if he doesn't know of the affair, he more than likely senses something is amiss.

 

Recently, my step father passed away. He was a man that I admired, that never let me down, who was always there for me, who was a hard person to have ANY man match him in anyway, just a good, honest, whole person.

It made me open my eyes and realize a lot of things.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's really hard when people we love pass away. He was a strong male figure for you and I'm sure given the fact you seem to hold a lot of anger towards the other men in your life (XAP, husband) I imagine it made the loss even more difficult.

 

[i let the other man know about him, and to this day have never heard anything back from him. What a ****ing loser.]

If you feel he never loved you anyway -- and he has not contacted you any -- were you surprised he didn't respond?

 

I made it just in time to see my step dad die. It was a wonderful to be there with him and my mom, something I feel honored to have been a part of, but truly traumatic as anyone with a pulse or feeling could imagine.

My Husband never called my mother to tell her how sorry he was, or to just check in on her. He did call about 2 minutes before he died to see how we were doing, i told him the situation, it was sad and I told him I would call him back. I did, I told him Jack passed away, he said he was sorry and all the things you say and we said our goodbyes. I talked with him briefly everyday while I was gone and to my kids as well.

We, the family, had a goodbye to Jack Saturday night sharing stories of our memories and experiences.

We drank, cried, laughed & loved.

Does your husband know about your affair? If so, he may feel uncomfortable speaking to your mother. He did, at least, bother to call to check on all of you.

 

The next afternoon (Sun), my Husband called, my mom answered my cell,( my mom & I had been talking & nursing our over abundance), and she said to him I fell asleep, but she would wake me. Then I heard her say no, no I'll go get her, here she is -her eyes are open & handed me the phone. It was a quick call the end, but He still said nothing to my mom.

He may just feel really uncomfortable with death -- or as I mentioned earlier, if he knows of your affair and thinks/knows your mother is aware of the situation -- he may be really uncomfortable. That seems justified.

 

I left on Tuesday. My mom came to me and asked my why my H never said anything, and I just didn't want to shield him anymore. I told her I didn't know why, and she said she understood.

If your mother isn't aware of the affair, it would be difficult to explain to her why your husband may be acting strange.

 

He picked me up from the airport, said little to me. When we got home I put the kids in bed and went in to say goodnight to him, I wanted to stay up. He asked me if a will was read, as my step dad promised him something they had talked about and he really wanted.

I have a huge family and must admit was concerned as we split up my parents things when they passed. It wasn't about things of monetary value -- just sentimental value. It all worked out. I think it sounds like your husband is just having a difficult time expressing things to you.

 

I just walked out. It made me so ****ing mad. I confronted him two days later asking what the **** would make him like that. He said to me, Did you ever send a note to my mom when my uncle died, did you ever call my dad when my mom died, this is a double standard, you are a hypocrite.

 

I am the only one in our relationship that keeps in touch, so I know I wrote them a note, or sent flowers, or called them, but this was 15 years ago!

He then said," I don't do that, I never have, why would I change now?"

He's angry at you.

 

The realization is this. My husband is everything I ever suspected him of being and that is a piece of ****. I picked out a lover who was the same way, a piece of ****. I have been going back and forth between THE TWO trying to feel real and thinking I was a monster for looking for outside our relationship for love, when I thought I may have had it with him, BUT I NEVER DID. Who does something like this when you need them the most? Who would do this to your mother when her spouse died?

Now it sounds like you don't really love him and are searching for reasons to justify the affair or the way you are feeling.

 

I honestly thought in my heart I would come back home and try so hard with the H to make things better for me, the kids and him, but he is a real piece of work. The next day smiling as if nothing ever happened.

If you're that unhappy in your marriage, why don't you both go to MC? Or just leave one another?

 

I still have to face my family, they all think he is a creep and now I know why. I never truly saw it before.

Do they know about the affair?

 

Here is the insecure person-am I wrong in any way, is he hurting or is he just an animal? am I being too hard wanting him to be something he is not, am I ungrateful he took care of the kids while I was gone and he was sleep deprived, or am I JUST PLAIN ****ING STUPID? He made it seem like my step father wanted him to have something of his and it meant a lot to my H, but it was so inappropriate, so tasteless, so him.

 

I would really like to hear your input on this one. Thanks

I don't really find it that tasteless. It may be something of sentimental value to your husband having to do with the friendship he shared with your stepfather?

 

I understand you have feelings and the affair was a poor choice you made when feeling something was lacking in your marriage. You have a right to your feelings and your husband has a right to his anger over the affair. If you're not willing to BOTH work on the marriage, move on. It sounds like you are still hung up on your XAP, but that may simply be because you feel rejected by him. Rejection has that effect.

 

If you are not both willing to get MC together, perhaps you should get IC. Good luck.

[fooled once]

I've been pinning after a man (the other man) for almost 8 months now.

Our relationship ended abruptly, as almost devine intervention took place. All the scenarios took place, the texting, the calling, the no contact broken all on my part not his because I don't think he ever loved me the way I loved him. I left him so many holes to give him an out, but he avoided each one. FORWARD. . .

 

Recently, my step father passed away. He was a man that I admired, that never let me down, who was always there for me, who was a hard person to have ANY man match him in anyway, just a good, honest, whole person.

It made me open my eyes and realize a lot of things.

 

[i let the other man know about him, and to this day have never heard anything back from him. What a ****ing looser.]

 

I made it just in time to see my step dad die. It was a wonderful to be there with him and my mom, something I feel honored to have been a part of, but truly traumatic as anyone with a pulse or feeling could imagine.

My Husband never called my mother to tell her how sorry he was, or to just check in on her. He did call about 2 minutes before he died to see how we were doing, i told him the situation, it was sad and I told him I would call him back. I did, I told him Jack passed away, he said he was sorry and all the things you say and we said our goodbyes. I talked with him briefly everyday while I was gone and to my kids as well.

We, the family, had a goodbye to Jack Saturday night sharing stories of our memories and experiences.

We drank, cried, laughed & loved.

The next afternoon (Sun), my Husband called, my mom answered my cell,( my mom & I had been talking & nursing our over abundance), and she said to him I fell asleep, but she would wake me. Then I heard her say no, no I'll go get her, here she is -her eyes are open & handed me the phone. It was a quick call the end, but He still said nothing to my mom.

 

I left on Tuesday. My mom came to me and asked my why my H never said anything, and I just didn't want to shield him anymore. I told her I didn't know why, and she said she understood.

 

He picked me up from the airport, said little to me. When we got home I put the kids in bed and went in to say goodnight to him, I wanted to stay up. He asked me if a will was read, as my step dad promised him something they had talked about and he really wanted.

 

I just walked out. It made me so ****ing mad. I confronted him two days later asking what the **** would make him like that. He said to me, Did you ever send a note to my mom when my uncle died, did you ever call my dad when my mom died, this is a double standard, you are a hypocrite.

 

I am the only one in our relationship that keeps in touch, so I know I wrote them a note, or sent flowers, or called them, but this was 15 years ago!

He then said," I don't do that, I never have, why would I change now?"

 

The realization is this. My husband is everything I ever suspected him of being and that is a piece of ****. I picked out a lover who was the same way, a piece of ****. I have been going back and forth between THE TWO trying to feel real and thinking I was a monster for looking for outside our relationship for love, when I thought I may have had it with him, BUT I NEVER DID. Who does something like this when you need them the most? Who would do this to your mother when her spouse died?

 

I honestly thought in my heart I would come back home and try so hard with the H to make things better for me, the kids and him, but he is a real piece of work. The next day smiling as if nothing ever happened.

 

I still have to face my family, they all think he is a creep and now I know why. I never truly saw it before.

 

Here is the insecure person-am I wrong in any way, is he hurting or is he just an animal? am I being too hard wanting him to be something he is not, am I ungrateful he took care of the kids while I was gone and he was sleep deprived, or am I JUST PLAIN ****ING STUPID? He made it seem like my step father wanted him to have something of his and it meant a lot to my H, but it was so inappropriate, so tasteless, so him.

 

I would really like to hear your input on this one. Thanks

 

I am sorry for your loss.

 

I don't know your H or know if he is aware of the affair, the kind of person he is or his feelings regarding his FIL. But the bolded part --- how is HIM taking care of the kids something you should be grateful for? Are their your kids together? If so, that is called P-A-R-E-N-T-I-N-G. You don't have to be thankful to him.

[minutebyminute]

Wow. . .

I waited a while because I knew the replies would be varied, I have a lot to think about, and a lot of questions for all who responded. This may hold a path or a window, if you will, towards a better life for both(all) of us.

 

I have to re-read your comments, think it through and respond, don't give up on me, each and everyone of you have given me some "real" input to sort through.

 

Please check back, I want to know your interpretation.

Hey, Thanks.

[pureinheart]

He lacks empathy and social skills. Whether or not he was angry with you does not excuse his behaviour towards your mother. His own history of loss does not excuse his behaviour towards your mother - if anything, it exacerbates it. Having experienced loss himself, he ought to know how to behave, and how the bereaved are likely to be feeling.

 

I'm not sure what kind of animal you've got in mind - many animals are remarkably perceptive of their owners' feelings, and respond appropriately to make them feel better. Perhaps an amoeba? A bacterium? A slug? But no, I don't really think he's an animal, just a human with stunted emotional growth.

 

If your OM was like that too, that suggests you might pick them out deliberately or subconsciously. I's spend a bit of time - in counselling, or reflection - figuring out why that might be, so that the next R you move on to can be with someone more emotionally adept.

 

First off, I am so sorry MBM for your loss...your father was a big loss.

 

Cruel doesn't even begin to describe what happened in your situation....OW hit it right on the money.

[minutebyminute]

Sorry I just figured out the quote thing, but since I wrote all this follow along:

 

FROM:califnan Hello MBM;

 

Apparently he lost his uncle and his mother - and is no stranger to death.. I don't know how close he was to his mother - but maybe he feels as if he has bared enough .. Not knowing him, I am only guessing..

_______________________________________________________________

MY RESPONSE:

He had a "weird" relationship with his mom. She was the greatest yet disappointed him immensely. He still talks about her with disgust, that she wasn't what she could have been.

_______________________________________________________________

FROM:Chrome Barracuda

If your husband knows of the affair and the reason you was cheating, cut him some slack!!!

 

He didnt offer condolences, ok. maybe he's going through something right now. Maybe he's dealing with his grief in private.

 

And yes he didnt show compassion, but it's hard to show compassion to a woman who hasnt showed you much of any right?

 

It takes time to rebuild, not everything is gonna be perfect. But if you want to leave because he cannot say I'm sorry you lost your relative then hey, its your life, your choice.

 

I myself am sorry you lost your relative. I really am.

 

I hope you feel better.

___________________________________________________________

MY RESPONSE:

 

Maybe this is the H retaliation for the affair, he does know of it,but only the emotional part of it. I haven't shown much compassion for him, you are correct, but only because he starved me of love for so long I thought I wasn't worthy, I thought I was a freak, I thought I was ugly, fat, & stupid. Then this man came along (after 25 years of this ****) and showed me that not only was I a beautiful creature, very sexy, but smart as **** too!

 

You have given me a lot of **** Chrome B, but at least you sent your sympathies to me, someone you don't even know, someone that disgusts you by what I have done and become, you have forgiven me because I am human, but my H doesn't even know half of what you do and can't even give me the comfort you gave me even if it was in a primitive manner.

 

I have Chrome, tried to talk to my H about the affair, his reply is this, don't want to live in the past. Okay, an easy out for me,(and Him) but there is so much left unsaid, so much hurt in both our hearts, so much hatred towards situations and people including my immediate family.

My mom called, my brothers and sister and I got together to make sure my mom was taken care of, financially and mentally. We told her if she found herself "sleeping" a lot it was time to visit. I offered my house, as my mom feels safe with me. I discussed this with my H long before my dad died, he agreed with me. Today I got a call from my mom, she wants to visit, and I was so excited, so I came home and told my H my brother would fly to her house and drive her to mine so she would have her car and dog and no worries. Then he started in. It wasn't a good time, blah blah. I seriously wanted to ****ing punch his head in. Not only is this my mom, but my dad just died, the love of her life, and the love of mine. She's coming, I put my foot through the cement floor on this, but what is wrong with him.

 

I know I am skating all over this thread, but I just really don't understand this. He has always shut off doors/relationships from me. He doesn't want anyone else to enjoy my mind/company. I figured this out 10 years into the relationship, way too late. Regardless, I made friends and kept active, but he always plants his negativity into any relationship I make.

 

I think he DROVE ME INTO THE ARMS OF ANOTHER MAN, AND THAT IS WHAT I THINK, AND I SHOULD HAVE ENDED IT WITH BOTH OF THEM AND MOVED ON, but I have children and they are fragile and don't deserve to be pitted in this triangle of psychological bull****.

 

Thank you for all the support and remarks on the death of my dad, it's so nice that you all have a heart, and feel and love. Someday, I hope I'm sitting here thinking that all of this was just so easy, right in front of my face, just had to make the movements, but right now it is so hard, so sad, so hurtful.

[califnan]

You are doing well in taking care of your mother .. and when she expresses lonliness and needs .. Your father would be happy you taking care of her as well .. Don't let your husband upset you too much .. he is what he is ... With your expressing love for your mother .. and him - he will come through .. what else can he do .. You know him well enough to not expect too much from him .. just continue in your own manner and do your own thing for now .. If he has underlying reasons for being upset, let him bring them forward - so you can get things out in the open, and discuss ..

[pureinheart]

___________________________________________________________

MY RESPONSE:

 

Maybe this is the H retaliation for the affair, he does know of it,but only the emotional part of it. I haven't shown much compassion for him, you are correct, but only because he starved me of love for so long I thought I wasn't worthy, I thought I was a freak, I thought I was ugly, fat, & stupid. Then this man came along (after 25 years of this ****) and showed me that not only was I a beautiful creature, very sexy, but smart as **** too!

 

I knew it....he wasn't crystle clear Mr. Wonderful, that the mean old MBM was just so bad to him (major sarcasm)

 

You have given me a lot of **** Chrome B, but at least you sent your sympathies to me, someone you don't even know, someone that disgusts you by what I have done and become, you have forgiven me because I am human, but my H doesn't even know half of what you do and can't even give me the comfort you gave me even if it was in a primitive manner.

 

I have Chrome, tried to talk to my H about the affair, his reply is this, don't want to live in the past. Okay, an easy out for me,(and Him) but there is so much left unsaid, so much hurt in both our hearts, so much hatred towards situations and people including my immediate family.

My mom called, my brothers and sister and I got together to make sure my mom was taken care of, financially and mentally. We told her if she found herself "sleeping" a lot it was time to visit. I offered my house, as my mom feels safe with me. I discussed this with my H long before my dad died, he agreed with me. Today I got a call from my mom, she wants to visit, and I was so excited, so I came home and told my H my brother would fly to her house and drive her to mine so she would have her car and dog and no worries. Then he started in. It wasn't a good time, blah blah. I seriously wanted to ****ing punch his head in. Not only is this my mom, but my dad just died, the love of her life, and the love of mine. She's coming, I put my foot through the cement floor on this, but what is wrong with him.

 

What is wrong with him....selfishness

 

I know I am skating all over this thread, but I just really don't understand this. He has always shut off doors/relationships from me. He doesn't want anyone else to enjoy my mind/company. I figured this out 10 years into the relationship, way too late. Regardless, I made friends and kept active, but he always plants his negativity into any relationship I make.

 

I think he DROVE ME INTO THE ARMS OF ANOTHER MAN, AND THAT IS WHAT I THINK, AND I SHOULD HAVE ENDED IT WITH BOTH OF THEM AND MOVED ON, but I have children and they are fragile and don't deserve to be pitted in this triangle of psychological bull****.

 

Thank you, well said

 

Thank you for all the support and remarks on the death of my dad, it's so nice that you all have a heart, and feel and love. Someday, I hope I'm sitting here thinking that all of this was just so easy, right in front of my face, just had to make the movements, but right now it is so hard, so sad, so hurtful.

 

MBM, I have dealt with much death lately, and in my life. It never ceases to amaze me the reactions that some people give, it is absolutely pathetic. Enough said as I will just get pissed.

 

My prayers are with you and your Family...your H has some bad spirits all over him...I'd keep your mother if I were you.