Im so annoyed with myself- I brok NC!

[Getting_stronger]

Arrrrgh Im annoyed at myself- I broke NC! I am fine though- totally convinced that I am better off without him and really working on my marriage. Here's what happened.

 

After days of feeling concerned that he (exAP) was wrongly angry with me- I texted him today!! I said 'Hi' and he responded 'hello there, hope you are settling into your new job'. We have had NC since he ended it (although I was the one who suggested taking a break) a week ago.

 

I sent a further text saying the job was great and hope all is well.

 

So I guess I can relax that we havent ended on bad terms, and as I said, I am 100% sure that I am much better off now without him in my life. Apart from the fact that I was engaged in an affair, he actually was never the man I idealised him to be. So I get that part. But I have an annoying habit in that I really worry over what some people think of me- particularly him. Im not worried if they think I am good at my job, attractive etc- I worry that they are angry with me. I have since I was a child.

 

I accept that we did the wrong thing, accept that it has rightly ended, accept that I was stupid and that I am lucky that I realised what I had before I lost it. BUT WHY DO I CARE IF THIS JERK IS ANGRY AT ME!!! Why do I care what a cold, heartless, workaholic, lousy father, image-obsessed man thinks about me- and whether he is annoyed at me because I eventually called him on his behaviour (plus what we were doing was plain wrong). Thats all that bothers me! Isnt that stupid!!

 

So I am stronger in my resolve to go NC. He obviously isnt so angry that he launched into abuse or ignored me etc. tell myself that the anger issue is a non issue- so I have no excuse to text him etc. But I seriously have to heal- I need NC, I need to be 150% careless about what he thinks of me. We will never be friends, I dont want a person like that as a friend. I have a wonderful husband so this exAP brings nothing to my life!!

 

Oh why cant I just forget him and accept my wonderful life!!! ARGH

[pureinheart]

Hi GS....hummmm why do you care...mostlikely because you are a caring person naturally and are not in the habit of making enemies....

 

You could be experiencing some unresolved guilt from many things and reacting to that....because you have a heart...

 

You have a really good heart.

[Getting_stronger]

Thanks pure- I needed a boost

[Samantha0905]

 

 

So I guess I can relax that we havent ended on bad terms, and as I said, I am 100% sure that I am much better off now without him in my life. Apart from the fact that I was engaged in an affair, he actually was never the man I idealised him to be. So I get that part. But I have an annoying habit in that I really worry over what some people think of me- particularly him. Im not worried if they think I am good at my job, attractive etc- I worry that they are angry with me. I have since I was a child.

 

I accept that we did the wrong thing, accept that it has rightly ended, accept that I was stupid and that I am lucky that I realised what I had before I lost it. BUT WHY DO I CARE IF THIS JERK IS ANGRY AT ME!!! Why do I care what a cold, heartless, workaholic, lousy father, image-obsessed man thinks about me- and whether he is annoyed at me because I eventually called him on his behaviour (plus what we were doing was plain wrong). Thats all that bothers me! Isnt that stupid!!

 

How did the two of you end things and why do you call him a jerk? Just wondering. You must have liked something about him at one time.

 

We will never be friends, I dont want a person like that as a friend. I have a wonderful husband so this exAP brings nothing to my life!!

 

Agreed you shouldn't be friends if you are continuing in your marriage. Are you saying you were never friends since you refer to him as "a person like that"?

 

Oh why cant I just forget him and accept my wonderful life!!! ARGH

 

Why did you have an affair? Was there something not so wonderful about your life at the time? Are you going to IC? I'm just wondering because I had an affair and am getting counseling to help me to figure out why I had an affair. My XAP has some faults, but I don't think of him as a jerk. We both were, obviously, engaging in a relationship based on deceit. I don't think it makes either of us a jerk in our entirety.

 

I'm interested as to why so many people have so much disdain for their XAPs after the fact? I suppose it could be you've come to the conclusion you actually do not like him as a person, but you having issues forgetting him says you must miss something about the relationship.

[califnan]

I agree with PureInHeart and JThorne .. You did what you thought you should do because you were blessed to be a caring person .. Now you can continue to proceed with your life.. If you know it is over, it doesn't really matter what he thought about the communication ..

 

JThorne: thanks for the reminder "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" ..

[Getting_stronger]

jt and califnan, thank you so much. Yes I am a terrible softy and I realy needed to know that he was not angry with me! I had tried to talk with him, explain my issues etc, but he was the one who got very defensive and treated me badly at the end. He has a huge ego though and two failed marriages- he doesnt see his responsibility in anything. Just gets mad and moves on coldly. I couldnt have managed to move on if I had been the receipient of that.

 

Samantha- he was wonderful to start with. Bt over time his natural workaholic tendencies kicked in, plus he started to feel more and more guilty about what we were doing. I can understand this (I did too). But he handled it by literally saying 'I love you' one day to 'lets not say words like that anymore' the next. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets defensive quickly. Eventually the cold treatment got to me and I suggested a break He got very angry and wouldnt even meet/talk on ph. I received a' have a nice day' text and that was it. Then he ignored me after that. Hence my anger and disappointment in him.

 

So its clear I have closure now- he isnt angry and anoyed. I really have to learn to not care what he thinks. And I have to go NC to heal and focus on my marriage.

[Samantha0905]

 

Samantha- he was wonderful to start with. Bt over time his natural workaholic tendencies kicked in, plus he started to feel more and more guilty about what we were doing. I can understand this (I did too). But he handled it by literally saying 'I love you' one day to 'lets not say words like that anymore' the next. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets defensive quickly. Eventually the cold treatment got to me and I suggested a break He got very angry and wouldnt even meet/talk on ph. I received a' have a nice day' text and that was it. Then he ignored me after that. Hence my anger and disappointment in him.

 

Mine kind of ended like that also. I don't think men like to discuss things or to deal with any type of confrontation. I heard the "I love you" one time when we were together and the next time "This MUST end" also. It sucks. Maybe many men react similarly. I don't mean to sound sexist, but there does seem to be a pattern the more I read here. I feel disappointed in my XAP's behavior also. I know you said yours is a father, but is he still married? Mine was single and I have to be empathetic to the fact a single OM probably has anger issues about me not leaving my spouse to be with him. I suppose both me and him should just own up to the fact the relationship shouldn't have happened period.

 

I understand being a softy. That has some nice aspects to it and also can be a form of self-torture. I'm the same type of person. I think it makes the coldness factor an even more difficult thing to handle.

 

I hope you feel better as time goes along.

[ladydesigner]

Samantha- he was wonderful to start with. Bt over time his natural workaholic tendencies kicked in, plus he started to feel more and more guilty about what we were doing. I can understand this (I did too). But he handled it by literally saying 'I love you' one day to 'lets not say words like that anymore' the next. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets defensive quickly. Eventually the cold treatment got to me and I suggested a break He got very angry and wouldnt even meet/talk on ph. I received a' have a nice day' text and that was it. Then he ignored me after that. Hence my anger and disappointment in him.

 

Mine kind of ended like that also. I don't think men like to discuss things or to deal with any type of confrontation. I heard the "I love you" one time when we were together and the next time "This MUST end" also. It sucks. Maybe many men react similarly. I don't mean to sound sexist, but there does seem to be a pattern the more I read here. I feel disappointed in my XAP's behavior also. I know you said yours is a father, but is he still married? Mine was single and I have to be empathetic to the fact a single OM probably has anger issues about me not leaving my spouse to be with him. I suppose both me and him should just own up to the fact the relationship shouldn't have happened period.

 

I understand being a softy. That has some nice aspects to it and also can be a form of self-torture. I'm the same type of person. I think it makes the coldness factor an even more difficult thing to handle.

 

I hope you feel better as time goes along.

 

Yep mine ended things the same way. I was told "I love you" and "couldn't wait to hear your voice" two days before ending:rolleyes:

 

I will never figure out why. How hard is it to say hey my feelings are starting to change and I am uncomfortable with this situation. We cannot participate in this A anymore. But no I guess the cold shoulder method works best for them.

 

I'm sorry I am still angry about the way my XOM ended things with me. He was young though. I guess I can't expect any more than what he gave. <sigh>

[Samantha0905]

 

I will never figure out why. How hard is it to say hey my feelings are starting to change and I am uncomfortable with this situation. We cannot participate in this A anymore. But no I guess the cold shoulder method works best for them.

 

I'm sorry I am still angry about the way my XOM ended things with me. He was young though. I guess I can't expect any more than what he gave. <sigh>

 

Mine was young too. How much younger was yours? How long have the two of you not spoken? I think mine couldn't let go because he liked me (he said love) and the sex, but at the same time struggled with the fact I was married and wanted someone who could be his around the clock. I understand all that, but a more mature delivery and not via text would have been appreciated. He could have said all of that and ended it in person the last time we saw each other. I do think he was angry because he wanted me to choose him. I wish it had felt that simple.

[ladydesigner]

Mine was young too. How much younger was yours? How long have the two of you not spoken? I think mine couldn't let go because he liked me (he said love) and the sex, but at the same time struggled with the fact I was married and wanted someone who could be his around the clock. I understand all that, but a more mature delivery and not via text would have been appreciated. He could have said all of that and ended it in person the last time we saw each other. I do think he was angry because he wanted me to choose him. I wish it had felt that simple.

 

Mine was 14 years younger:o We have not spoken in 7 months. I initiated NC because I still had feelings for him. He had a long term girlfriend and realized, as we both should have, that we were not going to be compatible. First because of the age difference, and second he wanted kids and I had mine so that ended it right there for him and understandably. I realize now out of the affair fog that I never intended to leave my M for him, I'm sure he sensed that, and I was your typical cake eater. Well what started as a revenge A turned to cake eating at it's best:laugh:

 

I agree I felt my XOM could have ended things better and not in an email. I think he did it because he could not face me.

[whichwayisup]

So its clear I have closure now- he isnt angry and anoyed. I really have to learn to not care what he thinks. And I have to go NC to heal and focus on my marriage.

He doesn't care, and now it's time for you to NOT care either. What counts is how YOU feel and what your H feels.

 

Forgive and let yourself have closure. On your own, without him. (ex)

[Samantha0905]

Mine was 14 years younger:o We have not spoken in 7 months. I initiated NC because I still had feelings for him. He had a long term girlfriend and realized, as we both should have, that we were not going to be compatible. First because of the age difference, and second he wanted kids and I had mine so that ended it right there for him and understandably. I realize now out of the affair fog that I never intended to leave my M for him, I'm sure he sensed that, and I was your typical cake eater. Well what started as a revenge A turned to cake eating at it's best:laugh:

 

I agree I felt my XOM could have ended things better and not in an email. I think he did it because he could not face me.

 

Ahhhh. Mine was 14 younger also. Interesting. I never felt I would leave my marriage for him (or anyone), but the jury is still out on whether my marriage is going to survive.

[fooled once]

Arrrrgh Im annoyed at myself- I broke NC! I am fine though- totally convinced that I am better off without him and really working on my marriage. Here's what happened.

 

After days of feeling concerned that he (exAP) was wrongly angry with me- I texted him today!! I said 'Hi' and he responded 'hello there, hope you are settling into your new job'. We have had NC since he ended it (although I was the one who suggested taking a break) a week ago.

 

I sent a further text saying the job was great and hope all is well.

 

So I guess I can relax that we havent ended on bad terms, and as I said, I am 100% sure that I am much better off now without him in my life. Apart from the fact that I was engaged in an affair, he actually was never the man I idealised him to be. So I get that part. But I have an annoying habit in that I really worry over what some people think of me- particularly him. Im not worried if they think I am good at my job, attractive etc- I worry that they are angry with me. I have since I was a child.

 

I accept that we did the wrong thing, accept that it has rightly ended, accept that I was stupid and that I am lucky that I realised what I had before I lost it. BUT WHY DO I CARE IF THIS JERK IS ANGRY AT ME!!! Why do I care what a cold, heartless, workaholic, lousy father, image-obsessed man thinks about me- and whether he is annoyed at me because I eventually called him on his behaviour (plus what we were doing was plain wrong). Thats all that bothers me! Isnt that stupid!!

 

So I am stronger in my resolve to go NC. He obviously isnt so angry that he launched into abuse or ignored me etc. tell myself that the anger issue is a non issue- so I have no excuse to text him etc. But I seriously have to heal- I need NC, I need to be 150% careless about what he thinks of me. We will never be friends, I dont want a person like that as a friend. I have a wonderful husband so this exAP brings nothing to my life!!

 

Oh why cant I just forget him and accept my wonderful life!!! ARGH

 

My thoughts - because you don't want the Affair to be over with. Which is what prompted you to write him - you wanted a reaction out of him, you wanted to be told he misses you, wants to see you, etc.

[Getting_stronger]

My day went from bad to worse- I'll start a new thread if thats ok- Id love your support

[Getting_stronger]

The man I had an affair with, who ended it by text last week, who ignored all my pleas to talk/meet etc, the man who I broke no contact with yesterday texted me today. How would I feel about a more casual version of our former relationship. Not lovers but fb's. Sex when we want, occasional coffees etc. How woud I feel?

 

Like a hooker was what I wanted to say!

 

I am so hurt, shocked etc that he would say the sordid stuff he said. Sex was a great part of our r'ship but we both agreed it was secondary to the love we both felt. He loves sex but was sort of shy with it. But todays text was full on. Words Id never heard him use.

 

He is very keen- he texted many times to talk me into it. But OMG I was so hurt and cheapened by this. If you knew what we had shared, said, given to each other- you would be surprised too.

 

I didnt give him an answer, I used the texting to get some answers about why he broke off as he did. It was all about feeling stressed by the intensity of what we shared. Neither of us want to leave our spouses.

 

So I am still standing strong about where i want to be- with my husband. Im so angry with this man I can hardly explain it. But a very small part ogf me would like to take up his offer- make him fall for me again and then dump him. UGH he's making me nasty and Im not a nasty person.

 

Help?

[Getting_stronger]

My day went from bad to worse- I'll start a new thread if thats ok- Id love your support

 

I couldnt start a new one so I put it in here.

[Samantha0905]

The man I had an affair with, who ended it by text last week, who ignored all my pleas to talk/meet etc, the man who I broke no contact with yesterday texted me today. How would I feel about a more casual version of our former relationship. Not lovers but fb's. Sex when we want, occasional coffees etc. How woud I feel?

 

Like a hooker was what I wanted to say!

 

I am so hurt, shocked etc that he would say the sordid stuff he said. Sex was a great part of our r'ship but we both agreed it was secondary to the love we both felt. He loves sex but was sort of shy with it. But todays text was full on. Words Id never heard him use.

 

He is very keen- he texted many times to talk me into it. But OMG I was so hurt and cheapened by this. If you knew what we had shared, said, given to each other- you would be surprised too.

 

I didnt give him an answer, I used the texting to get some answers about why he broke off as he did. It was all about feeling stressed by the intensity of what we shared. Neither of us want to leave our spouses.

 

So I am still standing strong about where i want to be- with my husband. Im so angry with this man I can hardly explain it. But a very small part ogf me would like to take up his offer- make him fall for me again and then dump him. UGH he's making me nasty and Im not a nasty person.

 

Help?

 

That deserves no answer. If neither of you wants to leave your spouses, just end it. The ball is in your court now and you can end it knowing you did. You are obviously offended (as well you should be) by his suggestion to have a friends with benefits relationship. In effect, however, an affair is somewhat of a fwb relationship. While in the affair, most throw around words about love and being together -- but how realistic is a long term relationship between just the two of you if both of you are currently married? It's sad because in the beginning I thought my affair was some deep sort of love, but by the time the affair goes its course it felt like both of us had used each other. It may have very well had the potential to be true love -- had it not started as an affair. It started out nice and ended up feeling bitter and sordid. No fun, but deserved.

 

Your AP is being more realistic about what the two of you can actually have. I agree, it's not much. If you want to stay in your marriage do NOT take that option. Him offering it up isn't really reflective of him loving you.

[scatterd]

I think they are not commied to the wife.You would never trust each other if you was together and the same thing would happen to you with him.Have you both told your married partners?Hope alls okay,

[scatterd]

I was thinking how cold he was he probably does that to his wife too.she most likely has the feeling of something going on and has hurt also.You just

 

got a taste of the real person.He showed you his best in the begining feel

lucky you are not the wife wish I knew the whole story this teaches me.Try not to call you are beating your self time heals all.Good Luck

[califnan]

The man I had an affair with, who ended it by text last week, who ignored all my pleas to talk/meet etc, the man who I broke no contact with yesterday texted me today. How would I feel about a more casual version of our former relationship. Not lovers but fb's. Sex when we want, occasional coffees etc. How woud I feel?

 

Like a hooker was what I wanted to say!

 

I am so hurt, shocked etc that he would say the sordid stuff he said. Sex was a great part of our r'ship but we both agreed it was secondary to the love we both felt. He loves sex but was sort of shy with it. But todays text was full on. Words Id never heard him use.

 

He is very keen- he texted many times to talk me into it. But OMG I was so hurt and cheapened by this. If you knew what we had shared, said, given to each other- you would be surprised too.

 

I didnt give him an answer, I used the texting to get some answers about why he broke off as he did. It was all about feeling stressed by the intensity of what we shared. Neither of us want to leave our spouses.

 

So I am still standing strong about where i want to be- with my husband. Im so angry with this man I can hardly explain it. But a very small part ogf me would like to take up his offer- make him fall for me again and then dump him. UGH he's making me nasty and Im not a nasty person.

 

Help?

 

 

Don't waste your time or your life - trying to Make him Feel Anything !

 

You are quite right with your Continued NC ... The only response I can think of for him, would to be: Sorry that you didn't notice during our relationship - but I don't have "sex". I make Love. - So obviously - your response of Continued NC ... would probably be Better than Any comment.

[ladydesigner]

Samantha is right. THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT. Don't miss this opportunity to do what's right. End it. Delete the texts, delete his contact info, continue the NC, focus on your marriage.

 

This is exactly it. YOU CAN TAKE YOUR POWER BACK NOW. I would go NC, tell him you are blocking his email, phone calls, and focusing on your marriage. What an a** he is for saying that to you. He deserves nothing from you but a door closing in his face.

 

My XOM said similar things to me upon ending that he couldn't do what we were doing anymore but that he still wanted to f**k me (in those words too ). I finally went NC with him 7 months ago after being LC for a year after the A ended. It was the singlemost best thing I have ever done. I just recently removed him as a contact form my LinkedIn business networking and that felt good too. They are not worth your time or your friendship.

 

Take your power back now while you still have the chance. Such a prime opportunity to do it too.

[jerrytodd]

This is exactly it. YOU CAN TAKE YOUR POWER BACK NOW. I would go NC, tell him you are blocking his email, phone calls, and focusing on your marriage. What an a** he is for saying that to you. He deserves nothing from you but a door closing in his face.

 

My XOM said similar things to me upon ending that he couldn't do what we were doing anymore but that he still wanted to f**k me (in those words too ). I finally went NC with him 7 months ago after being LC for a year after the A ended. It was the singlemost best thing I have ever done. I just recently removed him as a contact form my LinkedIn business networking and that felt good too. They are not worth your time or your friendship.

 

Take your power back now while you still have the chance. Such a prime opportunity to do it too.

 

Wow I agree, in your other thread I think you were a little stronger about your marriage etc. - you dont deserve his comment and I think extreme NC is the best thing for both of you at this point. You may be backsliding - you need to fix on one thing and I think it is your marriage.

[fooled once]

The man I had an affair with, who ended it by text last week, who ignored all my pleas to talk/meet etc, the man who I broke no contact with yesterday texted me today. How would I feel about a more casual version of our former relationship. Not lovers but fb's. Sex when we want, occasional coffees etc. How woud I feel?

Like a hooker was what I wanted to say!

 

I am so hurt, shocked etc that he would say the sordid stuff he said. Sex was a great part of our r'ship but we both agreed it was secondary to the love we both felt. He loves sex but was sort of shy with it. But todays text was full on. Words Id never heard him use.

 

He is very keen- he texted many times to talk me into it. But OMG I was so hurt and cheapened by this. If you knew what we had shared, said, given to each other- you would be surprised too.

 

I didnt give him an answer, I used the texting to get some answers about why he broke off as he did. It was all about feeling stressed by the intensity of what we shared. Neither of us want to leave our spouses.

 

So I am still standing strong about where i want to be- with my husband. Im so angry with this man I can hardly explain it. But a very small part ogf me would like to take up his offer- make him fall for me again and then dump him. UGH he's making me nasty and Im not a nasty person.

 

Help?

 

Yep - I would have felt that same way.

 

Real nice of him to cheapen what you thought you had with him. This should be the proof you need to keep your resolve to NOT have any more contact with him. You are good enough for sex, but that's about it.

 

What a jerk.

[Getting_stronger]

Thank you guys!!!! If I lived anywhere near you Id buy you a round xxx

 

I was NC today (so was he). I think he was NC to prove to me and him that he isnt into the friendship part anymore and I was NC because I am going to get the better of this.

 

I agree with what was said above- this is a great opportunity to see him for what he really is, get my power back and move on with my life.

 

I havent backslided with my resolve to fix my marriage. But having this man in my head is definately not what I need right now. So I need to stay focussed on keeping him out.

 

I have never ignored a text he sent me- bit of the doormat thing JT? But I will I will I will!!!

 

OK Day 1 of my NO CONTACT!!!! A zillion to go.

 

Give me strength God. Thanks LSers xxx